Tuesday, April 22, 2003

The more I think of this the more I realize it's me....and maybe it's always been. Hard time making friends, feeling trapped in my own skin. I always think "They're really not going to wanna talk to me." Locked up when I'm around new people, especially in large groups (2 or more). Clamshell time. Today I went to my dad's house for Easter dinner. Everything was cool until my step brother's and there girlfriend's arrived. I might as well have been introduced to there girlfriends as the clamshell on the couch, cuz that's what I was doing. Ya know the old saying "it's better to remain silent and thought a fool than to speak up and remove all doubt." I felt just.... I dunno....like I crawled deep inside myself when they showed up. I prolly didn't speak for like an hour and half. Plenty of time to think. That's when it occurred to me, as they tried a few times to include me in the convo, that it really was me. Locked up tight in my shell...on guard, thinking over witty responses. Then thinking better of them and just sitting there. A few things finally did come out and I didn't flop. The uncomfortableness never really went away. I mean wtf?