Why I Don't Watch The News

Over the last year or more I have limited my “news” intake to items that I select. Picked out of the business, health, science and technology sections of websites mostly. Avoiding the local news and the large network news stations. Not because I’m not interested in the goings on in the world around, I care very much. Too much. To the point that I cannot handle hearing anymore the things people are doing to each other, their children and their animals. Information overload, and all of it sickening. Watching those broadcasts I don’t have a choice in the news they bring me. The focus on the horrific crimes committed over and over, the circumstances a little different, different names and faces but the end result is the same. What brought this on? I made the mistake of leaving the 10 o’ clock news play tonight after the show I was watching was over. No exaggeration, in five minutes (*skip this if you are at all like me*) a 20 year old bound and gagged his girlfriend’s 1 and 2 year old boys and left them in a garage so he could watch the NBA final’s at a bar. He didn’t think he had done anything wrong (physically the boys are ok). A 20 month old girl was beaten to death, raped and left in a dumpster by her mom’s boyfriend. Mom was busy being a prostitute in another state. A 9 year old was shot and killed in her apartment, someone just started shooting into the home. Another man is wanted for questioning in the beating death of his girlfriend’s two year old daughter (You can continue reading now)…and in other news how to protect yourself from identity theft. WTF?!? I think the least of our concerns is identity theft! Free parenting classes? How to spot a child abuser in a mate? In less than five minutes I was so far beyond tears, I just sat here sick, unbelieving and numb. There is no way am I saying that any of that stuff is NOT news worthy, please report it. Hopefully they’ll find the guilty and fry them. Somewhere amid all that horrendous stuff I'm sure sits a human interest story or two, something that would make me smile. For my sanity, it is not worth me wading thru all that real life horror to find it. Knowing bad things happen, doesn’t mean I need a daily dose. So, when someone says “did you hear about blah, blah, blah?” I will continue to tell them no, and from now on will add “and please don’t tell me I don’t want to know”.

Ignorance is bliss.

At least in this case.

Angels and Friends

We all fall down sometimes. You place enough weight on your own shoulders, you're bound to become top heavy and the slightest thing is going to knock you off balance. When that happens you're supposed to get back up, brush yourself off and continue. Then there are times when that load you were hauling buries you. So you lay there for awhile. Unsure of how to get back up. Eventually something clicks, you rearrange a thing or two or maybe cast another item aside. Breathing is possible. There is light there. If you are lucky enough you may have a person or three who notice you're not simply taking a nap. May offer to carry something for you, lighten your load and ease your troubles. Someone may offer to point out that all important step you missed, what you've forgotten about lately and what used to make you happy. Suddenly the load seems a little easier and your purpose a little clearer.

Thank you for showing me good still exists in people.

Thank you Cowboy for lighting the way...

"When life held troubled times, and had me down on my knees.
Theres always been someone there to come along and comfort me.
A kind word from a stranger, to lend a helping hand.
A phone call from a friend, just to say I understand.
And aint it kind of funny that at the dark end of the road.
Someone lights the way with just a single ray of hope.

Oh I believe there are angels among us.
Sent down to us from somewhere up above.
They come to you and me in our darkest hours.
To show us how to live, to teach us how to give.
To guide us with a light of love"

-Alabama

Other People's Children

Last night I was texting the boy telling him to be home by 5. We'll go out to eat somewhere. His response, "I already ate can I stay the night at my friend's house?" Normally that response isn't a big deal. This time I was choking back tears as it hit me. He's growing up. What 15 year old wants to hang out with mom. He does better than most. We still talk, watch tv, watch movies, like most of the same music, laugh at Ron White, Dane Cook and Christopher Titus. Laugh at our inside jokes that others don't understand. We get along well. When he's out there, like he is right now, I'd like to think he listened and learned from the lessons I've tried to teach him. He'll make the right choices. The only sore spot we have is he doesn't do so hot in school, never has. No matter how hard I push. Relenting on that, I guess I'd rather him be the class clown than the class dope dealer. Bottom line is he's a good kid with a good heart and an amazing sense of humor.

So after I wrapped my brain around all of that I decided I'll go get something to eat by myself. Walked out to my truck and found the window broken and my stereo gone. So pissed I was ready to cry again. Why couldn't they have taken the XM one? Had to be kids, other stuff worth more than the stereo was left alone. Swearing out loud I went back in the house, fkn kids parents should have... With everything stacked against me from the beginning I still never raised a child who would ever consider doing something like that. You don't need to have money to have values, you need to have a parent who cares.

Silver lining too is that last year I got the heater and water pump fixed so hopefully I won't freeze with the busted window.

Faith. Hope. Love.

Hope, something will change, via my own hand or fate's. Faith, things can't stay the way they are. Love. These three things inscribed and hang around my neck on a chain, reminding me. If lost, in ways, their importance exceeds that of food or water. Sustenance falls to the wayside when you get to that point. Pulling away from everybody, I still haven't lost these three things. Been without them before, recognizing the symptoms is easy. Hope that I find the peace I'm looking for. Faith that I can make things change. Love. Hope is what will keep you going when even your will to live is gone. You don't know it's there until the bottom. When you can look back and see how fate had a tug of war with the good and bad in your life. A balance that's sometimes skewed so badly that you can't tell what's what. When everything has been flipped upside down and all you can see is rocks for so long you forget to look up. Hope is what makes you remember there is another direction. Hope will make you look up. The voice inside that tells you this isn't it. There is more to come. Faith, believing that what comes will be better. No matter how much shit is waded thru to get there. Hope is the light at the end of the tunnel. Faith convinces you it's not a train. Love prevents you from doing something stupid in the darkest reaches of that tunnel.

Hermit

Where to go...what to do... Over the last year I've lost more friends than I can count. There was something I wrote on Friday that I thought was pretty accurate, now I know it's not. More on that in a minute. The time here is to find something within, to buck up and deal with life on my own. Several months ago I believed life was not meant to be lived on your own, I wrote something on here about it. For me at the time that may have been true, the season has changed. After next month my two best friends will have moved away. When I saw them last in August I truly believed then would be the last. One more time, in about two weeks they will be here. Then everyone will be gone. As of this moment I haven't spoken to anyone since Monday, the urges I had to call or text I ignored and held it in. It just doesn't matter. Too many people are gone. Some for reasons known, others just vanished with no word to say why. Must be my fault in all cases, I shoulder the blame even when I know its not mine. Whatever the circumstance, I wish them well. Not feeling bad, just very alone. As it should be.

Funny how fast things can change, it wasn't my right to do this and now I know. This is what I wrote on Friday:

The silence craved, the avoidance of uncomfortable don't give a fuck conversations forced on me, ended by working from home. Don't have to talk to anybody if I don't want to, unless it's work related. A few months ago all I wanted was silence. My own internal turmoil, spinning in my brain, thoughts that I couldn't control or get any kind of handle on, craved absolute exterior silence. Except a couple select people. There was only a handful that I sought there voice, wanted there company. Would seek them out in moments of anguish just to listen to them speak, to hear something outside of my own head. The rest of the world reminded me of a Charlie Brown cartoon...Wah wah wah. Moving away from that now. Still seek them but gone is that desperate grip of the drowning. There are passing moments that feel like it's starting over, then I see clear skies and think it'll be alright.

Pulling back from the brink...

Was I standing there, on the edge of a cliff, laughing, crying...dancing? Never noticed, I was too wrapped up in what was going on inside me to notice how close it was. The fall I was headed for no one could have saved me from. Not as if I was listening to anybody anyway. Not that I noticed that they stayed back and didn't follow. Weren't you there with me? Why did you walk away? Seeing you leave was the first step I took away from that abyss. The one I was oblivious to. Turning around now, it's not clear how I got there but I know those are not steps I want to retrace. Solitude can be found along the edge but it's not the kind anyone seeks. You can lose yourself there and be unaware of it, unhearing of other people warning you. Tires screeching that woke me up, yet the silence that followed was more deafening. What you left behind, burnt rubber on asphalt, reminds me everyday of what I did and what I can't take back. Not just that night, but everything before that too.

When we walked out of the bar/restaurant last night there was a song playing. I'm relieved you were ahead of me so you didn't see. That song was how I feel. Can't say anymore than I already have.

"I'm sorry I'm bad, I'm sorry I'm blue, I'm sorry about all things I said to you
And I know I can't take it back"

Cleaning

There's a reason I think we keep stuff in storage. Sorting through that mess tonight I found things. Found memories. Crash landed in the middle of my past. Who would have thought 7 years later I would still be sorting through our stuff. Packed another box to take to him. Then there are things...what to do. Cards. Letters. Pictures. Yeah that box. A whole box of pictures. Some went back to when I was a kid. As I looked through some of them it dawned on me. I've hated myself since I was a kid. Well, hate may be a strong word. Three pictures of me opening my brand new roller skates when I was 8. Cute kid. I remember those pictures. Should say I remember I HATED those pictures. A handful of pictures of me when I was 15. Wow, I was actually pretty. Back then? I hated those pictures. Pictures my friends take now? Hate them all. Some of those pictures cracked me up though. The irony of me giving a piggy back ride to my 9 month old. In that one, I'm wearing the same Metallica shirt he wears now (not a reprint, but the SAME one). How young we all looked then. My puppy, he's really been gone 12 years now. Grandma and Grandpa and the peppermint pillow. Some of the first pictures of my ex husband. My 17th birthday when you were waiting outside for me, too nervous to ring the bell. In that picture I was positively glowing because I knew you were there. The boy hanging upside by his thighs because no baby gate could hold him back. Still won't forgive my mother for those pool pictures. Not enough time on that one. If we could learn to appreciate the present the same way we do the past...maybe that's when we can let happiness in.

Strong Enough To Bend

My volunteer maple tree that started growing in my yard about a year ago showed me something last night. During this time of year we have A LOT of wind. Blows damn near every day. Looking at the tree awhile back, after the leaves came in, I noticed the few forks of branches are always intertwined with each other. So I separated them. Mind you this is a lanky tree, easily 12-15 feet tall, no trunk to speak of just these spindly branches. Maybe, to protect from the wind, I need to tie it to something? A tall pole maybe? Watching it last night I saw how it bends, flowing with the wind. Not bending as much, not giving as much so it didn’t break. The branches were intertwined again and moved as one. With the support afforded from the group the tree could bend with the wind without breaking. Apart, I’m sure the branches wouldn’t have survived. Sometimes I get in a state of mind so bad that I want to withdraw and separate myself from everything and everyone. Nothing and no one holds my interest. In a way I’ve been drifting from some of my friends. One remains constant and I don’t think he’ll ever let me get very far away. Hell I doubt he even knows that he makes me feel better. Watching the tree last night I realized Mother Nature’s design is not for us to weather storms alone. Find something to wrap up with and bend…

"I come around all broken down and
Crowded out
And you're comfort
Sometimes the place I go
Is so deep and dark and desperate
I don't know, I don't know..."

-R.F.

Life Lessons

Been doing some thinking lately. This was partly written for the boy. What would I want to pass on to him? What lessons in life have I learned? Some of this stuff should be common sense and isn't. It's a little long, could have been longer but I stopped.

Don't tell a joke that's not that funny more than once. Help strangers and friends when you see they need it. When you help someone, whether they asked you for it or not, do it with a smile and don't complain. Sometimes it takes a lot to ask for help and even more to accept it. Don't expect anything in return. When someone helps you, goes out of there way for you, buys/gives you something don't complain and don't ask for more. Accept it with a smile even if it wasn't exactly what you wanted or needed. There heart was where it should be and so should yours. Choose your battles wisely when arguing, you don't always have to prove your right. Sometimes it means more to the other person to believe that they are right. When you're wrong admit it. When you apologize mean it. If you don't know, say so. You can tell the character of a person by how they treat people they don't need, someone who is not nice to the waitress is not a nice person. Just because she is serving you doesn't make her less of a person. Be nice, smile. You never know what other jerks she may have just been dealing with. When you're ordering food, the more complicated you make the order the more likely they are to screw it up. Remember that and don't get mad when they do. You're the one that made it difficult. Tip well, if it's someplace you go to a lot, tip even more. If you can't afford the tip you can't afford to go out. Let the past live where it should, in the past. Don't let the lessons go, just the pain. If you can't change it, don't worry about it. Don't expend energy worrying about something you can't change (like the past). There's enough that you can change. You won't appreciate something handed to you as much as if you had earned it yourself. Just because it's free doesn't mean you need it. Hehe, and a somewhat cruel thing don't want for something too much, once you get it you may realize the dream and the struggle was worth more than getting it. Don't lend money you can't afford to live without. Money is not worth losing a friend over, don't hound them about it, they know. If they don't pay you back you know what you can't trust them with. Don't make fun of someone else's dreams, that may be all they have. You may not be able to control the situation you were pushed into but you can control your attitude and how you deal with it. When you're that angry don't talk, you may regret what comes out. Sleep on it, sometimes when you put a little distance on it the truth is clearer. Don't close your mind. Keep learning every chance you get. From people, books, TV, wikipedia where ever. Try new things every chance you get. Try old things again. Never say you don't like something you haven't tried (unless it's drugs or skydiving). When someone you care about or are getting to know wants to show you something, book, movie, restaurant song etc. Do it, they are sharing a part of themselves with you. Declining that is declining them. The tough times will make you appreciate the easier ones. When there's too much rain on the path you've taken you may want re-evaluate your path. No need in reminding you about the truth and your word. You got that one down. Just to expand on that though, don't do things you may feel you have to lie about later. Live well, work hard and remember in the end you are the one that has to live with yourself.

Castles

So a friend told me this story a few nights ago. We were talking, joking, and somewhere along the way the conversation turned serious. At that exact moment it fit my frame of mind and almost brought me to tears. No way can I capture that moment but I can tell the story...

A man gets up on the soapbox in the middle of the town square. He shouts to the passersby "Would you like to see the most beautiful heart in all the world?" After a crowd gathers to view what he was speaking of, he unbuttons his shirt. There on the man's chest was the most beautiful heart, bright red, luminous, perfect in every way, no scars or bruises. The crowd oohed and awwed over this vision in front of them. They approached him, wanting to touch his beautiful heart. The man quickly became guarded, closing his shirt and yelling at them to get back. 'No one can touch me there, you'll fade it, scar it. It's beautiful, but no one can touch it.' He runs away before anyone gets too close. A feeble old man walks to the front to take the young man's place. He says to the crowd "Would any of you like to see the beauty of my heart?" Everyone stares as the old man unbuttons his shirt to reveal his heart. They gasp, it's faded, covered with nicks and scars, a large piece is actually missing. He points to the scars "My heart was not guarded. Allowing people to touch it they left there marks, I've loved and lost and loved again. This piece that's missing? I gave it to my wife when she died." He invited the crowd to him and let them touch his scarred, battered, beautiful heart.

When he told me the story I knew which was better, which was right. At that moment I knew, and friends are funny to say the thing you didn't know you needed to hear. After careful examination of my own heart and over thinking it like I do everything, I know that I'm that latter of the two. You know us, the one's who wear our heart's on our sleeves and stupidly let go. Still I'm having a hard time anymore believing that the first guy isn't better off.

Blindsided...

How weird is this, I haven't thought of him in a long time. At least not in this way. I talk to him, talk about him. He's been part of my life for over half of it. Even if we're not together anymore he's still part of my life. How odd to miss something, yet not want it back. Telling someone a story earlier about teaching him a lesson must have stirred something distant in my mind. Awhile after, a long forgotten image popped into my head. Out of the blue, I was in the middle of working (how I hate the way my brain functions sometimes). Walking into the living room seeing him and the boy curled up together, the baby in his pajamas still clutching his bottle. Sleeping. They were my whole world. They were my home. So today, on a random Tuesday, an image from easily 13-14 years ago caused a small rip, a reopening of an old wound that doesn't seem to want to stay closed. It ached for awhile, still that same pain as if no time has passed. For a moment only, this will pass. For a moment, I felt a flicker of the girl who stood in the living room that night, that one who died a slow painful death starting in November of '01. The girl I try to forget ever existed because it hurts too much to miss her and to look in the mirror at what remains.

"There've been mornin's when I couldn't wake up
& evenin's when I couldn't sleep
My life will be fine for months at a time
Then I'll break down & cry for a week
'Cause when I told you I'd love you forever
I know you didn't think it was true
But forever is nothin'
Compared to some nights I've been through
In these years after you"

-John Conlee

Awake: The Fan

Amazingly after the last few days I woke up in a great mood this morning. Had I a revelation while I was sleeping? Everything is so clear now and makes sense again. Normally, through maturity and life experience, I have a pretty good understanding of the Fan and the way it works. Right before the shit hits it, I see it coming and step to the side of the Fan. Over the last few months I went off in a different direction and lost site of the Fan or had my back to it or
something. Sometimes it was just a little spray, but more often than not I got a full load all over me and was surprised it happened. Me and the Fan had an understanding and I broke the agreement through my own stupidity. If ever you gain this type of relationship remember this: Don't. Fuck. With. The FAN. Did it come to me in a dream I don't remember, through the food poisoning induced 26 hours of sleep on Saturday/Sunday? Couldn't tell you. There have been some mistakes and things I've done in the last few months where I was looking at myself saying WTF? Did you really just do that? People judge you by what you have already done, not by what you feel capable of doing. I lost site of that. What you meant to do, or wished you would have done doesn't matter. Actions are what's important and what lasts. To be cliche, hindsight is still 20/20 and for me a few times the repercussions and regret were immediate. When I woke up this morning it was more than in just the literal sense, my eyes felt clear, bright, focused and determined. Me and the Fan are tight again. No more mistakes, right buddy?

Don't Blink

Whenever I watch this video I get a little misty-eyed, and I'm not really sure why. When I was a kid I remember people telling me how time flies as you get older, being a kid my attitude was "whatever". Of course, now I know what they were talking about. It's hard to believe I've been 30 for a year, and now I'm 31. Youth is truly wasted on the young. Time is slipping by and I'm trying to make the most of it, every chance I get. Doing things I may have put off and now I don't. We don't know how many tomorrow's we have been given so we might as well make the most of today.

Here's another song that kind of got me too. Don't you wish you could go back and tell yourself these things? An interesting twist on the "if I knew then what I know now".

If Love Was A Plane

There's something that the majority of us keep subjecting ourselves to over and over. Even though we have a 100% failure rate we still keep trying. Searching for that heart pounding, butterfly creating, sleep depriving, all consuming love. Praying that when that newness finally fades that it has shifted to something deeper. That you're not left standing there wondering what the hell you were thinking, or worse you have shifted and the other person is wondering what they were thinking. There are forever people and there are right now people. When you take that leap...know which one you are. Forever people know that there is an emotion, beyond the heart thudding giddiness, that develops when that fades away. "Right now" people are just that, in it for right now. Once they can sleep again and the butterflies have vanished they are collecting their DVD's and clothes in search of the next new thing. The magic is gone. Next. You can see where a forever person might get the shaft here. If one would stop and think for a moment "Can I trust myself with their heart?", listen to your gut, know if you're not thinking of their feelings - let them go. Know yourself. Even with the odds against us, we still try. All we need to do is win one hand.

Yea, there's a new guy. Knowing that my intentions are to leave here, I treaded lightly. My stupid heart doesn't need somebody trying to convince me to stay. So I probed. Do you really like living here? Luckily he's been here long enough to not care for it anymore, he's on the fence. Either that or he didn't want to express enthusiasm to one side or the other. Screw it, I told him I was leaving and gave him his chance to bail, before either of us is in too far. His reaction? Can I go? Wasn't expecting that. So, I told him we'd cross that bridge IF we get to it. Another reaction that I wasn't expecting was the wounded look. So I said, "Not implying that's where we're headed, but realistically, have you ever had a relationship that didn't end?"

"Imagine now, the pilots voice, on the intercom right before we leave the ground.
Sayin, folks thanks for flyin with us, but there's a 6 in 10 chance we're goin' down.
If love was a plane, nobody'd get on."
-Brad Paisley

The Road Not Taken

Sometimes I get the feeling that people think I've not done anything interesting. Maybe I've not seen the skyscrapers of New York City, swam with dolphins in the Caribbean or even been to the Grand Canyon. Hell I've only been to the coast four times and I've never been further east than Iowa. Not that the world doesn't interest me, it just has to wait. Since sixteen my life has been another kind of adventure. You want excitement? Lose a two year old at the mall the day after Thanksgiving. In another state. You want a rush? Just see if you can reach the street before he does, when you can hear the car coming and he's at the age that it's fun to run from mommy. Barefoot, at a full run after him, that gravel driveway never seemed so long and so short all at once. Heart pounding thrills? Try to decipher "a fire in the garage" from a wailing three year old (sounds a lot like "I fell off the couch"). Then try to put that fire out before it spreads beyond the garage. Try not to be too mad at him when he brings you the phone saying "Mama, there's a lady" because he called the fire department himself. Not 911, but the fire department. Beauty? Those big blue eyes peering over the bumper pad first thing in the morning. When the day before you swore he wouldn't see daylight again. You can learn to lie. When he's in a hospital bed and looking you in the eyes for your reaction to how bad the neighbor's dog mangled his leg. When all you want to do is puke, instead you smile and say "That's not so bad. They'll be able to fix that up no problem." Make an excuse to duck out into the hallway before your lunch and the tears come out. You can learn to act. When the dean tells you he started the largest food fight in the school's history. All you can think is "how does he not have an ounce of food on him?" and fight back giggles because you're the mom and that stuff's not supposed to be funny. But it is. Sure I remember how bitter cold the ocean was the first time the waves washed over my bare feet along the coast of Oregon. I've watched the sun disappear into the bay in San Diego. Once I saw a tornado in Nebraska (once will always be enough on that experience). I know how loud rain is when beating on the stalks of a cornfield and the how sulphur from a geyser smells. I remember falling asleep in the shade of the aspen trees along the banks of Deer Creek, and having him wake me up to show me the whole stringer of trout he caught by himself. He needed help getting the hook out of his thumb. I also remember the first time he smiled, his first steps, his first lunar eclipse (he exclaimed "Oh No! Mama the moon burned out"), when he learned to ride a bike (and learned to take a fall), when he caught his first fish, his first day of junior high, the first time he was able to pick me up and I can't count the number of times he's made me laugh to tears. Maybe I'm not as worldly, traveled or sophisticated as some but I'm not "missing" anything. Giving him everything he needs to be the best he can. No matter how tough it's been, this is the path that was taken and I wouldn't trade one second of it for a thousand trips around the world.

Well I’m thankful for the things I have,
And all the things I don’t.
And I’ve got dreams that will come true,
And I’ve got some that won’t.
- Chris Knight "Enough Rope"

Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
- Robert Frost

Time In A Bottle

Something I was reading earlier made me want to finally put this out... I've been the rounds with this person and nothing helps. I've sat in my car and cried with her after I played "Live Like You Were Dying". Explaining to her this is the only life you have, the only one God has given you and the only chance you have and your pissing it all away. If you were to die tomorrow what would people remember about you? Is that the legacy you want? I held her hand while she dumped the bottle down the sink and held her while she cried and promised no more. Will I drive you to the store? No, but I will pick up whatever you need as long as it's not a bottle because I will not enable you. Taking the low road, crying again, I yelled at her "How many children does your mother have to bury? The only difference between your suicide and your brother's is a shotgun." She's done well so many times and I've been so proud of her, I tell her how good she looks when her eyes are clear and her face isn't swollen. I know when I see her when those stretches of time are over. When her bloodshot eyes can't meet mine. She lies. I told her all the things I thought would get through to her. Everything that should have been said has been said. The dead horse has been beaten. Sure, I still talk to her sometimes but I've walked away. She knows, because I told her, I can no longer watch her die. Do I have guilt? Not anymore. Not after what I've said to her, not after the things I've tried. I can, with a clear conscience, say I did everything in my power to reach her. You can't help someone who does not want to change or take your help

Chocolates

I don't know whether to laugh or cry reading this.... it's funny but not, taken at the surface it's only funny. When you get the depth to it...weird.

"Life is like a box of chocolates: A cheap, thoughtless, perfunctory gift that nobody ever asks for, unreturnable, because all you get back is another box of chocolates. So you're stuck with this undefinable whipped mint crap that you mindlessly wolf down when there's nothing else left to eat. Sure, once in a while there's a peanut butter cup or English toffee, but they're gone too fast and the taste is fleeting. So you end up with nothing but broken bits filled with hardened jelly and teeth-shattering nuts. And if you're desperate enough to eat those, all you've got left is an empty box filled with useless brown paper wrappers. "

My addition... You will get wiser in your selections as you pick thru the box. You will still end up picking the crappy stuff on occasion. The real hard pieces will make your teeth stronger and appreciative of the softer ones. It's still chocolate. Even when it's bad, its still pretty good and better than no box at all.

credit to the widow