Against My Will

You're like a song stuck in my head. Written just for me, to music only I can hear. Setting my heart on fire. Playing back words and memories. Craving you. You're in every thought I have, every song I hear, every descision I make. I sought patience in myself that I didn't know was there. An understanding and selflessness I never knew I had. A calmness much more than any ideal setting can bring, and a fire that I thought long since had died. I give my best to you, you woke it up and you brought it to light.

Speed Bumps

Try to remember where we were yesterday, force that memory into my head when you act like you did this morning. Remember when you told me to ignore you, that it's not me. Doesn't hurt any less, did make going home easier though. When I need a resolution, I need to find compromise, an agreement or common ground now and you don't...makes my head hurt. Bide my time and bite my tongue. Not always an effective plan when, if I put any thought into it, I won't bring it up later. So it goes under the rug. It's getting lumpy. We can finish each other's sentences, always know where the other is coming from, we're agreeable and open minded. Yet, seldom do I know what's really going on in there, and I thought I was guarded. We have constructed walls that we're slowly chipping away at. Trying to upgrade a friendship into something else. Although its like starting out on the 15th date, still not easy as it may seem. There's so much more on the line. Never realized you were just as jaded as me. Still this shouldn't be so hard, you shouldn't weigh so heavy on my heart. So, when I think of this morning I will focus on how sweet you looked and how your arms felt around me. Before you woke up and a stranger lashed out at me for nothing. Hope it's not some darkness that I uncovered. One that I could never live with.

"Well you should have known better
Dead thoughts and lost horizons
And to take it further
It don't get any better
Well out here on the border
Ain't nobody asking questions
No I don't need a miracle
But I could use a push in the right direction"

-The Refreshments

"Over here, see the lights
Arranging twilight sages
Commence to reveal it to the others
You would never have the time
I would love to change your mind
You were there
And it was good in the beginning
You were there
We were good in the beginning"

-Pete Yorn

Grandma's Roses

When the tears started as we past the exit I was kind of surprised. Already gazing out the window, I didn't need to hide it. Exit 16, down to SR-9 and into Hurricane (pronounced "Hurrikin" by locals). So many years I never went beyond that exit. For some reason this time as we past it on our way to Cedar, I thought of Grandma's roses and the tears began to fall. Every spring she would walk around her yard with me. The most beautiful one's I remember were a large bush just below their bedroom window. Large blooms that reminded me of a sunset. Try not to remember the two years or so that happened after Grandpa died. That time was not fair to her, God shouldn't be allowed to take one without the other, not after 70 years. On our way back, I told my friend how I was feeling, we decided on a detour to the cemetery. At the store I browsed through the different flower arrangements and potted plants. Realized how pissed Grandma would be if I left a plant out there to die, so I selected a single rose. We had to drive past their old house to get to the cemetery and the tears started again. To see all those rose bushes dead, some of them gone, the house in shambles. Ugly old vehicles parked out front. The house was near the cemetery on purpose, Grandma told me once, so whoever went first could visit the other. He left me to visit the grave on my own. Told them how much I missed them, how angry I was to see somebody let her roses die and that I brought her just one. One that was nothing compared to what she grew, what they both grew, in there yard and in my heart.

After I was done, I invited my friend over to the marker. So beautiful.

Bushel of Apples

Been telling myself that I'm not going to screw this one up. No games, no trying to figure stuff out, just letting it flow. The only thing I'm thinking is hiding, which is what we do. It wouldn't be new. So when, for the second time in as many weekends, we walked in and I saw that guy sitting at the bar I wanted to turn around and walk back out. Telling myself fkn behave. So what if he looks identical to him, it isn't him. Behave and look away, focus on who brought you here. Watched him walk to the jukebox, from my vantage point I could see what his selections were, and I couldn't stop the smile. He knows. As the songs played you asked me if I put them in, you didn't see me get up. Nope, someone else must enjoy him too, it's not just me. You noticed him then and didn't leave my side until he was gone. Asked around to see who he was. This is where previous statements come back to bite me. Took you to that concert months ago because he is sooo much better live. You might remember comments I made back then. Something along the lines of wanting to be stranded on deserted island with him. Just to keep it clean. Am I tempted? Sure. Am I stupid? Nope. Tell God your plans, make sure to tell him you're serious. Listen for the laughter. Think you can behave and you're sure this is what you want? Fine here's a Gary Allan replica for ya! The ultimate temptation. Shiny apple.

Can still hear the echo of laughter.

The Dance

Choking on my words. Even if they are only in my head. Called you Saturday night because I owed you. Wanted to tell you we have to stop and it can go no further for the sake of our friendship. Those words were never spoken out loud. Lying to myself. Knowing when you hugged me that those words would never reach your ears, not tonight. We listened to "The Dance", my favorite song for the last 20 years, you explained how you fell for it when I showed it to you, we listened to "Look After You" and you asked me to sing it to you like I did one night a long time ago (you must be tone deaf). Lost in conversation about music for hours. If you ever reach me, if you ever get thru I think you may be on the right path. Using different songs to show me things. Speaking my language. Moments like that are tearing me in half, part saying we need to stop, part says this is amazing. Hard to walk away from, but it still has to be done.

Almost

Probably won't count with this either. Always said I never wanted things to go very far. So what did I do? I basically dared you. If you mean what you say...Prove it. Show me. Over time I've learned that it's easier to let 'em go and walk away. You did try, I'll give you that. Been a awhile since someone treated me like a lady, and I was proud of you. So now I'll go, feeling like I forced something on you, though I was only following your footsteps. Potential regret looms so strong, like the first thunderheads forming of an impending storm. Can smell the rain. So I'll take the shelter now and hide from the disaster before it occurs. In awhile, I'll come back around. Maybe you'll smile then, and just maybe that friendship we almost sacrificed will still be ok. You being here means more than what might have been.

"I'm back out on that road again
Turn this beast into the wind
There are those that break and bend
I'm the other kind, I'm the other kind"

-Steve Earle

"Well, I feel the rain drops from the storm down in Mexico
Truck will go no further, out of gas
I cross the desert and disappear into the tumbleweeds
I tip the bottle and bite the lime

There ain't no moral to this story at all
Anything I tell you very well could be a lie
There ain't no morals to these stories at all
I been away from the living, I don't need to be forgiven
Im just waiting for that cold black sun-cracked numb-inside soul of mine
to come alive"

-The Refreshments

Cross Road

For the first time, in more than 20 years of friendship, I don't know what to say. This is critical and I can't find the words to reach her. Struggled thru this for the last few days, I can't sleep again. In so many ways I felt the person I spent two hours on the phone with on Sunday was a stranger. There has to be someone else whispering in her ear and she's listening to him, instead of her husband or me. Part of me wants to select a large caliber weapon from the arsenal downstairs and take a road trip, put the fear of god in him. There is no respect I can find for a man, who not only has a girl at home, but is fine with chasing after someone's wife. Right, right it takes two to tango, but I don't think she would have ever heard the music if he hadn't asked her to dance. Now she's giving every excuse in the world to end her marriage and trying to make her husband believe it's all his doing, or they should see other people. For once, something tells me she's not telling me the whole truth. She knows I don't agree, and won't encourage her. Unless I thought it would make her happy, that he was a good stand up guy. If for even a second I thought this was for the best, no matter how I felt about it, I would give her my blessing. My gut says he's wrong. Knowing how stubborn she can be, she may never admit she made a mistake until it's too late. Thinking thru this now I came to a realization. This may be one mistake she'll have to make in order to appreciate what she had. Unfortunately, it's one you can't come back from.

Then what, what you gonna do
When the new wears off and the old shines through
And it aint really love and it aint really lust
You aint anybody anyone's gonna trust
Then what, where you gonna turn
When you cant turn back for the bridges you burn
Then What

- Clay Walker

Title Unavailable

So weeks have passed now and I've left you alone. Never wrote anything about it either. Didn't know where to begin. Probably shouldn't do it now, too much in my head. Looking at it from every angle it comes back to the same thing, somewhere I made a mistake. Unsure of what. One day we were fine, then we weren't. Maybe I was wrong and we never were. There are no words that come. Anything that comes to mind would probably make things worse. You always said that it pissed you off when people don't tell you what they're thinking. For me there's so much that I try not to think of you at all. It still happens, when I want to tell you something, ask you a question, reach out to you and all I get is this pain in my heart when I remember I can't. Leave you alone. Then I wonder how you're doing, how your job is going and I miss your conversation, listening, your stories, the way you take things and they way you approach situations. Like you already have the answer, the resolution, before the rest of the world has finished processing the information. Miss the way I knew you. Miss being your friend, sometimes I'm angry that you shut me out, never for long. So what am I thinking? You being happy, if there's no place for me in that, then I just have to deal with it. Do I understand it? Yes and no. Somewhere around the end of May a large part of me vanished. Didn't return until the beginning of September. You helped me thru it, though I wasn't much of a friend then and I leaned on you too much. Making it thru that I thought we had recovered, then you disappeared. That's the "No" part of the equation. Going back to the "anything I say will probably make it worse", I wrote this...this long ramble that you'll never see.

Repeat

Here you are again. Lost in conversation. That smile, those arms. It's all so effortless, we fall right back into this every time, with no thought about it. Your words seem to flow easier now. Knowing I can tell you anything, gave you the run down of the crap that happened to me Saturday. Probably I shouldn't tell you those things, maybe you don't want to know. "Someday you'll forget those other guys, you'll come back to me like you always do and give me the chance to make you happy." Last night I believed you, last night you played that Toby Keith song on the jukebox. Last night. Today you're still so far away and I still know that this not what you really want. Not what anybody really wants. Maybe you can make me happy, but I'm scared to death I'll never be able to return the favor. Last night you made me vow not to disappear on you again, I couldn't promise it and I know neither can you. We make our plans, life happens and we go our own way. Yet we keep arriving back here. Others have pointed it out, apparently not just to me, as you relayed how odd it was they saw it before we did. What you also didn't see was the tears as I was driving home, thinking about your words and how desperate I am to not hurt you. Today is today, yesterday was yesterday. Leave it be and it will run it's course, whatever that may be. You'll need to push, because I won't.

Stupid

So you reap what you sow. Right, got that. Karma will bite, got that too. Practice what you preach is probably applicable. Sounds like a good cliche. Recently I had a conversation explaining why you don't read other people's text messages, you don't eve's drop. PERIOD. You are bound to hear or see something you didn't want to, don't understand and take it completely out of context. The only person who will get hurt is you. Well, on the other hand people should lock there phone before putting it in there pocket - and I should have listened to my own advice and hung up. My gut said he was lying about where he was going and I ignored it. There's no way I could ignore the conversation I was hearing. No where had we said we were exclusive, if we were then last Friday night for me never would have happened. The difference is I didn't lie to you. Now that I know you have, everything you have ever said to me is a lie. The end.

This must be a record breaking recovery too. Three hours later and I'm fine, actually I feel better. At this point, it's pretty damn funny. Welcome to November...

What Was I Thinking

Two dates in a week, that's pretty good for me I guess. Two ends of the spectrum. Not so nice guy, dinner and a movie carried a price with him. Set an expectation of what he was going to get by the end of the night, whether he had to take it or not. End result, fuck you leave me the hell alone. The other was the same, dinner and a movie with someone who was actually nice. Awesome night, no pressure just kinda flowed. The end result? The next day I thought about how great it was, yet still never want to see him again. Why ruin it? Part of the movie How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days kept playing thru my head. In the beginning of the movie, Andie is walking from Ben's apartment, he leans over the balcony and she waves he says, under his breath, "Oh you are already fallin in love with me." Down in the street, outside the cab, waving, she says thru forced smile, "I'm going to make you wish you were dead". So I accepted an invite to lunch. Focusing on the conversation. Not thinking about anything more than the moment. Not the end, not tomorrow. Knowing how I can be, now not willing to repeat the sins of the past. Go easy, refrain from those things I've seen me do to drive people away. Usually I set the bar too high, or throw the bar away all together. Equally bad and leave me feeling like shit. Thinkin I'll look for middle ground, hold on loosely and see what happens before I decide to go.

The rest of the story... He crossed my mind again, moving along the border of "this might be good". Brushing my teeth in the shower. Trying to keep from dropping the toothbrush again with my newly retarded right hand. It struck me, I had forgot exactly the reason for not wanting a boyfriend anymore. How should I tell him? When does it cross that line from being something withheld to keep from freaking him out right away to a lie by omission? Why would I burden anybody with it. Realized too, while I was struggling with the toothbrush, that he gave me an out. Gave me an out... Not interested in staying here any longer, he brought it up the other day. Would I be interested in leaving too? He plans on moving in the spring and asked if I would go. So, I just tell him I changed my mind. Who would get involved with anybody if they plan on moving away? Maybe not the best way, it would be an impasse and a choice he can easily make right now, before it goes to far. Kind of chickenshit, I know. There's no way I'll ask that of anyone, just not an option. What was I thinking.

On a side note...it's not fair to him either that I keep comparing him to someone. He'll fall short. Just like I did.

Let It Go

No the words to the song that just happened to come on the radio were not lost on me either. Not at all. You stopped and then started laughing... "Are you listening to the words?" Your laughter didn't stem from any kind of humor. Maybe you had the same thought I did. Which one in the song am I? What irony that was, coincidence whatever. You still don't believe me, I saw that when once again I tried to explain it. "Don't worry about it, it's not like I ever put a ring on your finger." Maybe that's your way of pushing me away. Fine, the whole thing is a bad idea anyway. No matter how right it feels. Today, I don't feel happy, excited, twitterpated or anything but sick because I didn't want it to go too far. Never wanted to feel this way. Never thought I would. No one my age is capable of a normal fkn relationship anyway, we're all too jaded, too scarred and too broken. We know how it ends before it even starts. No matter what clever things you say. Swore to myself months ago, the first time you tried during the concert, that I wouldn't let it happen again. So how many times have I lied to myself now? Distance and time that I put there didn't change damn thing. So, I just have stick to what I know is right.

You shouldn't kiss me like this
Unless you mean it like that
Cause I'll just close my eyes
And I won't know where I'm at
We'll get lost on this dance floor
Spinnin' around
And around
And around
And around

They're all watchin' us now
They think we're falling in love
They'd never believed we're just friends
When you kiss me like this
I think you mean it like that
If you do baby kiss me again

Everybody swears we make the perfect pair
But dancing is as far as it goes
Girl you've never moved me quite
The way you moved me tonight
I just wanted you to know

-Toby Keith

Don't

So what do I do with this? Do you really feel that way or was it the alcohol talking? How was I supposed to know you thought I was with him this whole time. Did I not make that clear to everybody who asked? Not my fault you never asked, but I remember we talked about it. You encouraged it, told me I was crazy not to go for it. Tried explaining to you then there was nothing to go for. There was no way I could do that. You think you have me figured out, but you're wrong. You said I know exactly what I want and how to get it. Not sure where you pulled that from. Must have me confused with someone else. Unless that's something I don't know about. Prefer to think maybe you know don't me as well as you think. Please don't put me on a pedestal built from expectations I can never live up to. Knowing that look, I've seen it on other faces and now on yours. How can I save you when my hands are bound too? I appreciate you, my friend, but this is one can of worms you don't want to break the seal on. We've had distance, we've had time. Give us a minute and we're right back where we've been. Nothing good can come of this and I don't want to lose anymore friends. So I can stop it now and prevent you from crossing a line there's no returning from. If I didn't care, it wouldn't matter.

Better As A Memory (insert woman, or girl, as needed)

I move on like a sinners prayer
Letting go like a levee breaks
Walk away as if I don't care
Learn to shoulder my mistakes
Built to fade like your favorite song
Get reckless when there's no need
Laugh as your stories ramble on
Break my heart, but it won't bleed
My only friends are pirates
That's just who I am
But I'm better as a memory than as your man

Never sure when the truth won't do
And pretty good on a lonely night
Move on the way a storm blows through
And never stay, but then again, I might.
I struggle sometimes to find the words
Always sure until I doubt
Walk a line until it blurs
Build walls too high to climb out
But I'm honest to a fault
That's just who I am
I'm better as a memory than as your man

I see you leaning, you're bound to fall
I don't want to be that mistake
I'm just a dreamer and nothing more
You should know it before it gets too late

Cause goodbyes are like a roulette wheel
You never know where they're gonna land
First you're spinning, then you're standing still
Left holding a losing hand
But one day you're gonna find someone
And right away you'll know it's true
That all of your seekin's done
It's just a part of the passing through
Right there in that moment you'll finally understand
That I was better as a memory than as your man
Better as a memory than as your man

by K.C.

Smoke Rings In The Dark

Still thinking and something else occurred to me. Part of the reason I broke up with my last boyfriend was, not only was I bored, but I didn't love him. Wanted to cut him lose right then so as not to make things worse further down the road, not to lead him on. Not saying it didn't hurt to lose him, I just didn't want to be reckless with his heart. The guy before him, dumped him mostly because he was an ass. It was only after that I realized I didn't love him either. Just examples. Sure, I experience the whole "twitterpated" thing. The fever you get for someone in the beginning, the attraction, the heat and butterflies that last for a few weeks, or even a month or three. Then it just fades. Never goes beyond that stage to being "in love". Sometimes "in lust", but not love. This meandering has arrived at a point where I'm wondering if I'm even capable of falling again. So many years have passed since I felt that way. There's been a few times when I thought it was coming on, and it just vanishes. Like dust in the wind.

Going to back to a friend I lost a few months ago, and following this thought process, I been evaluating it wrong. Knowing how he felt, even if he wouldn't follow through on it, his pain was real though I didn't think it was justified. He caused it and I helped see it through. All along I've said no way to another shot. What if he bailed again due to my choice in friends? Been looking at it wrong. He's better off, to get it out of the way and move on like he did. If I'm not capable of what he wanted all I would do is hurt him all over again.

"The rain falls where it wants to
The wind blows where it will
Everything on earth goes somewhere
But I swear we're standin' still
So I'm not going to wake you
I'll go easy on your heart
I'll just touch your face and drift away
Like smoke rings in the dark"

-Gary Allan

Regret

You made me trust you more than anyone in a long time. Let you have a key to my truck, I would have given you a key to my house. You would never do anything to hurt me, either physically or emotionally. You were there for me so many times. Even just to talk to, you listened to me. I wanted to hear what you said. Never felt like u were raping my ear or forcing things on me. Not once. I learned so much from you, not just geeky stuff. Things about life, things about people and brought me back to a reality I had forgot was there. One that was not jaded. A genuine goodness I didn't know existed in people anymore. Sure we irritated each other sometimes, but you always made me laugh. You always made me feel good. I tried to do the same thing in return. We clicked. Ebb and flow. Sometimes I felt like our friendship was one sided, that you were doing all the work. Struggling with that, I tried to do everything I could for you. Tried to find a balance, maybe I was trying too hard. Sometimes I felt like my time with you was borrowed, you would do things at times that were so amazing to me surely you must be a dream that I would wake up from. You and Tammy are the best friend's I ever had in my life. I drank too much last night, even though I really didn't want to again after that one incident about 6 weeks ago, said somethings I shouldn't have and I lost you. Now I wonder if I really know how to be a friend and I'm sorry I hurt you. Now that everyone is gone no one will see that last lesson you taught me about drinking too much. Since no one is left does it matter?

"And it might take some time to patch me up inside
but I cant take it so I, I run away and hide
And I might find in time that you were always right
You're always right. "

"You were the one to show me how
Back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now.
This thing is slowly taking me apart.
Grey would be the color if I had a heart."

The Scarlet Ibis

Such a fine line between love and hate. A strong emotion for one person in either direction, the true opposite is indifference. You can feel both for a person at the same time. Those we befriend and let into our weird little worlds and those we travel thru life with as family, are often the one's we can treat the worst. They drive us crazy and yet they are usually the ones that will stand by us when it matters and the ones we would lay down in traffic for. Usually but not always. We don't think they'll ever go, but they can. My intentions are not to treat anyone badly, but I do. I catch myself. What is it that makes us think we can treat the ones we care for the most like that? Maybe they'll come after us if we block them out, maybe if we push them they'll be more like what we want. We can tell them what we really think, and from that I think is what springs the love/hate. That well runs deep and depending on the day, is what content fills the bucket we draw.

Thank You

Sometimes I don't make the best choices. Some where inside, in the back of my mind, I was considering that maybe you were giving me an ultimatum, even though you didn't say anything. Why would you make me choose when you were the one with the problem? Bending over backwards is my specialty but I'm not bending for you anymore. Keeping my new friend out of it, not mentioning him (but all I needed to do was wait because you would eventually just to shoot him down), not asking him to come along if I knew you were there. None of that was enough. You are not the nucleus that holds my life together. No one wronged you, no rules were broken unless it was one of your imaginary fucked up ones you create to justify how you treat people. Thank you for making it look so easy to just walk away like you don't care. Thank you for teaching me another lesson and thank you for making my decision easy. Friends don't require friends to make choices like that. Not by my definition. Apparently we define "friends" differently and to you they are easily discarded. A side of you I didn't know was there. This was never a choice I would have considered. Losing one was not what I wanted but apparently the right one is gone.

Strong Enough To Bend

My volunteer maple tree that started growing in my yard about a year ago showed me something last night. During this time of year we have A LOT of wind. Blows damn near every day. Looking at the tree awhile back, after the leaves came in, I noticed the few forks of branches are always intertwined with each other. So I separated them. Mind you this is a lanky tree, easily 12-15 feet tall, no trunk to speak of just these spindly branches. Maybe, to protect from the wind, I need to tie it to something? A tall pole maybe? Watching it last night I saw how it bends, flowing with the wind. Not bending as much, not giving as much so it didn’t break. The branches were intertwined again and moved as one. With the support afforded from the group the tree could bend with the wind without breaking. Apart, I’m sure the branches wouldn’t have survived. Sometimes I get in a state of mind so bad that I want to withdraw and separate myself from everything and everyone. Nothing and no one holds my interest. In a way I’ve been drifting from some of my friends. One remains constant and I don’t think he’ll ever let me get very far away. Hell I doubt he even knows that he makes me feel better. Watching the tree last night I realized Mother Nature’s design is not for us to weather storms alone. Find something to wrap up with and bend…

"I come around all broken down and
Crowded out
And you're comfort
Sometimes the place I go
Is so deep and dark and desperate
I don't know, I don't know..."

-R.F.

"Life is a series of dogs"

To quote George Carlin... A good friend of mine just had to put there dog down today. Not knowing the dog that well I don't feel the loss but I feel his pain. There aren't a lot of things in life that are worse than making that choice. When I was 19 I had to make the call to put my black lab to sleep, I had gotten him for Christmas when I was 7. I remember the vet telling me about the tumors and what they were doing and all these horrible sounding treatment options that may not even work. Might only give him 3 or 4 more months. Through a blur of tears, and a voice that I'm sure he could barely hear, I asked him "And if it was your dog?" He stopped. He'd put him to sleep. Don't prolong his suffering. What a good dog he had been and who was I to put him through all that. Because I loved him I could end his life. Love between dogs and humans is so totally different, there really isn't anything to compare it to. Looking at my two girls now I know that there may come a day when I have to make that call again. Looking at them I know that they trust me to make the right decision for them, that's my job and that's what I signed up for when they agreed to love me back. Dog's teach us something too, besides to love unconditionally, I think they teach us selflessness. No matter how much it hurts.

Bridges

Something has flip flopped. Watching it fall away and knowing I may have had a hand in pushing it doesn't help. Did I really? Did it fall on it's own and I happened to be standing there. Being me I want to take the blame. Even though I'm not 100% sure what exactly it is I'm blaming myself for. Some rules somewhere say I haven't done a damn thing wrong. My heart says otherwise. The little crevice between us that opened one night has turned into a canyon. The bridges you tried to erect, well I guess I ignored them, set fire to them. Walked away. Right now, what I'm thinking is I miss my friend. Where we were once before things took a sharp turn left, wandered back to the center and stalled. What's left? Taking shots at me, and running a friend down that you never took the time to understand. Maybe it would be better if I just walked away completely, maybe I should have along time ago. It's easier to walk when things are good, the person is perfect, then you don't have to get to see what imperfections they have and watch them fall from the imaginary pedestal you put them on. You must be this tall to ride this ride? Right? Sound at all familiar to you?