Tired
If for just one time there was something at the end of the struggle. A moment, a reason, time that happiness would touch me... Instead of paying for every occurrence. Like I pay ten times over for one shiny moment. To fall away into darkness again, down a twisted path where everything is just an obstacle. Nothing is easy. Not for a second. I'm tired, of everyday a struggle and nothing to show. Just one time I'd like have a moment that I don't end up paying for, a moment that doesn't have a dark biting reality to it, a moment to step back and say yeah I deserve this. Instead of just cold truths. That's me, that person that nothing quite works out for, yet things aren't quite that bad. Like walking down the center median. Tired of the status quo, just let me fail completely or... I dunno get it over with. Tired of being in the middle and looking at the bottom. I'm tired.
"It's like the bottom of the ninth
And I'm never gonna win
This life hasn't turned out
Quite the way I want it to be"
-Nickelback
"There's nothing ever wrong but nothing's ever right
Such a cruel contradiction"
-Shinedown
"My dad, he had a friend, lowdown till the end
Everything he did, it came out wrong
No matter how hard he tried
He never cheated, he never lied
Had a shotgun in his hand when he died
Everybody's got their own way, tomorrow's another day
Make of it what you will, as you're climbing up that hill
Always be prepared to pay"
-Cross Canadian Ragweed
Showing posts with label Venting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Venting. Show all posts
Monday, December 29, 2008
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
Doomed to Repeat
Looking back on last night everything was fine until she came home. Resulting in another argument, but this time between the boy and me. He told me he had no intention of finishing high school, it's a waste of time. You didn't graduate and you're ok. What? I didn't have a choice! They kicked me out for being hospitalized because that put me over my allowed absences. You are making the choice. Be like me, what a great example. Struggle every paycheck, trying to figure out what to do when there's more month than there is money. There are no extras I can eliminate, no extravagances to let go of. What goes by the way side? For me it's medication, doctor's, dentist, clothing, gas, school, next is going to be the phone, the list is endless. If I can't afford it I don't need it. If I didn't earn it, I don't want it. Sure I'd love to get my teeth cleaned before I lose them, love to be able to discuss the knee MRI results with my doctor and find out why it keeps giving out. Hey I can still eat and walk, so it's not that bad. Nothing ibuprofen can't handle. Then there's the little things that I have, not that big a deal for others maybe, but when you don't have much every bit counts. The stereo in my truck for example, hours of entertainment and a great stress relief for me. Gone, stolen. When will it be replaced? Never. See the above list. In comparison where does a stereo rank? Good at prioritizing, usually. Rent before entertainment. What I'm getting at is I don't see an end to it. It just keeps going, going and going. Being beat down for so long, from so many angles in so many ways. You stop lifting your head up at all. Scared to hope or dream because it hurts when it dies, dream something long enough it becomes part of you. Some die hard. Try not to think about things in the past I could have changed, looking back you always know the answers. What scares me, what makes me lose sleep is the future. The fear that the outcome is always going to be the same and my ability to change it is as futile as trying to change what has passed. Stuck in this house, stuck in this city, stuck in this life that feels more like a tomb everyday. It was all worth it when I thought we were a team, now that I know we're not and the past is doomed to repeat itself on my son I feel like everything was for nothing. Left standing alone, still empty handed.
Looking back on last night everything was fine until she came home. Resulting in another argument, but this time between the boy and me. He told me he had no intention of finishing high school, it's a waste of time. You didn't graduate and you're ok. What? I didn't have a choice! They kicked me out for being hospitalized because that put me over my allowed absences. You are making the choice. Be like me, what a great example. Struggle every paycheck, trying to figure out what to do when there's more month than there is money. There are no extras I can eliminate, no extravagances to let go of. What goes by the way side? For me it's medication, doctor's, dentist, clothing, gas, school, next is going to be the phone, the list is endless. If I can't afford it I don't need it. If I didn't earn it, I don't want it. Sure I'd love to get my teeth cleaned before I lose them, love to be able to discuss the knee MRI results with my doctor and find out why it keeps giving out. Hey I can still eat and walk, so it's not that bad. Nothing ibuprofen can't handle. Then there's the little things that I have, not that big a deal for others maybe, but when you don't have much every bit counts. The stereo in my truck for example, hours of entertainment and a great stress relief for me. Gone, stolen. When will it be replaced? Never. See the above list. In comparison where does a stereo rank? Good at prioritizing, usually. Rent before entertainment. What I'm getting at is I don't see an end to it. It just keeps going, going and going. Being beat down for so long, from so many angles in so many ways. You stop lifting your head up at all. Scared to hope or dream because it hurts when it dies, dream something long enough it becomes part of you. Some die hard. Try not to think about things in the past I could have changed, looking back you always know the answers. What scares me, what makes me lose sleep is the future. The fear that the outcome is always going to be the same and my ability to change it is as futile as trying to change what has passed. Stuck in this house, stuck in this city, stuck in this life that feels more like a tomb everyday. It was all worth it when I thought we were a team, now that I know we're not and the past is doomed to repeat itself on my son I feel like everything was for nothing. Left standing alone, still empty handed.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Crossed Wires
Want to talk about this but Im not sure who to talk to about it. Several people I don't want to scare, like I am now, or have them think it's some drama crap. Sure, I've shared some but then let it go. One friend said, and he's right as usual, you could have been stressing over it this whole time. Little scared and a little pissed off. About two years ago I fainted at work, not the first time (or last) and I honestly wrote it off. Bit of rug burn on the forehead and a bump, not the end of the world. The next day my knee was killing me, so swollen I couldn't bend it (existed before falling) so I went to the clinic. They asked what happened to my head, so I told them. They were more concerned about me fainting than my knee, so they hooked my up to an EKG machine. Xrayed my knee and told me, even though it was the size of a softball, there was nothing wrong with it. However, on the EKG they found some blip that indicated Wolff Parkinson's White Syndrome. Wow, please explain? Basically it's an extra electrical pathway in the heart. May make your heart beat funny or cause palpitations from time to time. Nothing to worry about, have a nice day. That did explain the occasional erratic heartbeat and palpitations for as long as I can remember. Cool, at least now I knew what it was, end of story.
Thursday I went to the doctor again, several reasons, one being that four times over the last month I've come damn close to fainting while having the sensation that my heart wasn't beating at all. Then it would start beating like a sledge hammer for five or ten minutes. He did another EKG (before I told him this). Asks me if I have ever been told I have WPW syndrome. Sure. Good so you're under treatment. Treatment? What treatment? He looked as surprised as I felt. You need to see a cardiologist asap. Went into explaining atrial fibrillation, ventricular fibrillation and how the two can be bad in my case. Guess Afib can cause Vfib because of the weird way the electrical impulses run through my heart. Vfib is fatal if not treated within a few minutes. Also some long word that started with a T that swear I've heard on House. So it can be serious? Yes. How serious? Go to a cardiologist. Right. So who do I believe? The doc that sent me on my way or the one telling me it needs treatment? So fkn tired of needles, tests, doctors, pills, machines, IVs - enough to last me a lifetime. I don't even like taking Advil for a headache anymore. Part of me wants to stick my head in the sand. Lived with it thus far. The thought that stuck...what if I faint while I'm driving and hurt someone else? What if I just fall out somewhere alone? Been sitting here half the weekend thinking about it. Crazily in tune with the way my chest feels. Wanting to call somebody, but there's no one I can talk to. Not this time. Maybe it is drama, maybe it is crap, maybe neither doctor knows what they're talking about. Maybe they were both right in there own way. Maybe I'm just defective and should let nature takes it's course.
Want to talk about this but Im not sure who to talk to about it. Several people I don't want to scare, like I am now, or have them think it's some drama crap. Sure, I've shared some but then let it go. One friend said, and he's right as usual, you could have been stressing over it this whole time. Little scared and a little pissed off. About two years ago I fainted at work, not the first time (or last) and I honestly wrote it off. Bit of rug burn on the forehead and a bump, not the end of the world. The next day my knee was killing me, so swollen I couldn't bend it (existed before falling) so I went to the clinic. They asked what happened to my head, so I told them. They were more concerned about me fainting than my knee, so they hooked my up to an EKG machine. Xrayed my knee and told me, even though it was the size of a softball, there was nothing wrong with it. However, on the EKG they found some blip that indicated Wolff Parkinson's White Syndrome. Wow, please explain? Basically it's an extra electrical pathway in the heart. May make your heart beat funny or cause palpitations from time to time. Nothing to worry about, have a nice day. That did explain the occasional erratic heartbeat and palpitations for as long as I can remember. Cool, at least now I knew what it was, end of story.
Thursday I went to the doctor again, several reasons, one being that four times over the last month I've come damn close to fainting while having the sensation that my heart wasn't beating at all. Then it would start beating like a sledge hammer for five or ten minutes. He did another EKG (before I told him this). Asks me if I have ever been told I have WPW syndrome. Sure. Good so you're under treatment. Treatment? What treatment? He looked as surprised as I felt. You need to see a cardiologist asap. Went into explaining atrial fibrillation, ventricular fibrillation and how the two can be bad in my case. Guess Afib can cause Vfib because of the weird way the electrical impulses run through my heart. Vfib is fatal if not treated within a few minutes. Also some long word that started with a T that swear I've heard on House. So it can be serious? Yes. How serious? Go to a cardiologist. Right. So who do I believe? The doc that sent me on my way or the one telling me it needs treatment? So fkn tired of needles, tests, doctors, pills, machines, IVs - enough to last me a lifetime. I don't even like taking Advil for a headache anymore. Part of me wants to stick my head in the sand. Lived with it thus far. The thought that stuck...what if I faint while I'm driving and hurt someone else? What if I just fall out somewhere alone? Been sitting here half the weekend thinking about it. Crazily in tune with the way my chest feels. Wanting to call somebody, but there's no one I can talk to. Not this time. Maybe it is drama, maybe it is crap, maybe neither doctor knows what they're talking about. Maybe they were both right in there own way. Maybe I'm just defective and should let nature takes it's course.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Why July?
Why can't the air conditioner ever fail in May? Early June? September? Why does it have to be July? During the monsoon season? It may dip down to 84 degrees tonight with 48% humidity (being a desert dweller, humidity...well it sucks). At least the rain earlier cooled things off for a few minutes. Now the air is still, balmy and hot. The box fan I put in my window doesn't help if it's not cooling off at night, also the air can't penetrate the solar screens which I noticed are screwed into the stucco next to my second floor window. My dogs are looking at me and panting, I feel bad for them but I know they'll be fine (have to remember ice cubes for the fish tank). It's 2am and I know sleep isn't coming. Maybe if I would have known I would have just stayed at my friend's house instead of coming home. On the bright side, according to the weather forecast it's supposed to rain off and on tomorrow and it's only going to get up to 95 degrees. Possible downside, I've never had an A/C unit just not turn on (yes I checked the breaker). Is that bad? Seen units blow hot air, freeze up and one even blew smoke. Curious to know what component died, and how hard and expensive it is to fix. Hmmm, I think I'll try sleeping pills and see if I can put an end to one of the worst days I've had in a long time. Everything from earlier was my own doing, the A/C unit was merely the grand finale...
Why can't the air conditioner ever fail in May? Early June? September? Why does it have to be July? During the monsoon season? It may dip down to 84 degrees tonight with 48% humidity (being a desert dweller, humidity...well it sucks). At least the rain earlier cooled things off for a few minutes. Now the air is still, balmy and hot. The box fan I put in my window doesn't help if it's not cooling off at night, also the air can't penetrate the solar screens which I noticed are screwed into the stucco next to my second floor window. My dogs are looking at me and panting, I feel bad for them but I know they'll be fine (have to remember ice cubes for the fish tank). It's 2am and I know sleep isn't coming. Maybe if I would have known I would have just stayed at my friend's house instead of coming home. On the bright side, according to the weather forecast it's supposed to rain off and on tomorrow and it's only going to get up to 95 degrees. Possible downside, I've never had an A/C unit just not turn on (yes I checked the breaker). Is that bad? Seen units blow hot air, freeze up and one even blew smoke. Curious to know what component died, and how hard and expensive it is to fix. Hmmm, I think I'll try sleeping pills and see if I can put an end to one of the worst days I've had in a long time. Everything from earlier was my own doing, the A/C unit was merely the grand finale...
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Silence
At last for now there is silence. I wish my notebook still worked so I could hide in my room with it. So I cleaned my room instead. Funny thing was apparently my ferret was not very impressed that her things were trash, and that I removed them from my closet. She put them back. The silence is soothing. I don't want to be spoken too, leave me with my thoughts. As dark as they may be, they are mine. Don't break in with your television, music or questions. Don't talk to me today, I don't care. Probably won't care tomorrow either. Remembering this was like when they put me on Lithium and quickly took me off it. Bad drug for you, throw it away and try this instead. No more drugs for me. Not even the shot anymore (I can't afford it). Rebif only gives you maybe a 30% chance that it may or may not help. Well I know I have a 100% chance I'll need gas to go to work and I will probably get hungry and well it just doesn't fit in right now. I really don't even like taking Advil for a headache. So when my vision falters and my hands don't quite work right, or when the big muscle in my leg twitches or the little one in my lip I pretend it's not happening. That's not real. The silence is, for at least another 30 minutes the silence is real. Just the soothing sound of the air conditioner humming and the clicking of the ceiling fan. Alone is real, nobody to listen. Nobody to break or enjoy the silence with me.
"If they tell you that she died of sleeping pills you must know that she died of a wasting grief, of a slow bleeding at the soul."
At last for now there is silence. I wish my notebook still worked so I could hide in my room with it. So I cleaned my room instead. Funny thing was apparently my ferret was not very impressed that her things were trash, and that I removed them from my closet. She put them back. The silence is soothing. I don't want to be spoken too, leave me with my thoughts. As dark as they may be, they are mine. Don't break in with your television, music or questions. Don't talk to me today, I don't care. Probably won't care tomorrow either. Remembering this was like when they put me on Lithium and quickly took me off it. Bad drug for you, throw it away and try this instead. No more drugs for me. Not even the shot anymore (I can't afford it). Rebif only gives you maybe a 30% chance that it may or may not help. Well I know I have a 100% chance I'll need gas to go to work and I will probably get hungry and well it just doesn't fit in right now. I really don't even like taking Advil for a headache. So when my vision falters and my hands don't quite work right, or when the big muscle in my leg twitches or the little one in my lip I pretend it's not happening. That's not real. The silence is, for at least another 30 minutes the silence is real. Just the soothing sound of the air conditioner humming and the clicking of the ceiling fan. Alone is real, nobody to listen. Nobody to break or enjoy the silence with me.
"If they tell you that she died of sleeping pills you must know that she died of a wasting grief, of a slow bleeding at the soul."
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Dead End
Oh my I've been to the end of the road before. When I thought it was the end I managed to climb over the rocks and debris. Kicked it into 4 wheel drive a few times and made it through. Hmm I'm not sure 4 low is going to get me across a large brick wall. So I sit here idling. Breathing in the carbon monoxide trying to figure out how to go over it. Maybe it's a prison because it's seems to go all the way around. Having an idea of paradise I can see it in my review mirror. Somewhere through my mistakes and transgressions I missed the turn off. So here I sit. Waiting. Do I die here breathing fumes or see if I can tunnel. Sometimes life isn't meant for everyone.
Oh my I've been to the end of the road before. When I thought it was the end I managed to climb over the rocks and debris. Kicked it into 4 wheel drive a few times and made it through. Hmm I'm not sure 4 low is going to get me across a large brick wall. So I sit here idling. Breathing in the carbon monoxide trying to figure out how to go over it. Maybe it's a prison because it's seems to go all the way around. Having an idea of paradise I can see it in my review mirror. Somewhere through my mistakes and transgressions I missed the turn off. So here I sit. Waiting. Do I die here breathing fumes or see if I can tunnel. Sometimes life isn't meant for everyone.
Monday, March 03, 2008
Enough Rope
So this is going to be a bad one... This is what I'm looking at. All negative, my situation and my environment is putting these thoughts in my head. As of recently I hate my job. Working for a new client which basically caused me to lose my overtime, my bonus and my free Directv. In essence my rate of pay dropped like $3 an hour. So I'm working just hard enough to keep from getting fired and that's not like me. I didn't get where I am by being a slacker, my "don't give a shit" attitude has never been so strong for that place as it is right now. On a good note, the salary cap with the new client is higher than the old one, so I may get a raise. The first in three years. So help me God if they give me a quarter I'll quit. That's an insult. Why do I stay? I'm good at what I do and after 10 years I can get away with murder there. My recent job searches have been futile. Onto home life, my decision to help out my mother so she could sell her house and quit one of her jobs has turned into a living hell for me. Getting nagged and constantly having someone on my ass has gotten real old real fast. It's getting harder and harder to bite my tongue when nothing I do is enough. If I get out of that house and out of this state she will be screwed. It's killing me to stay here, I feel like I'm losing my soul. It's slowly being bitched out of me. Keep in mind I hate Vegas to begin with and this is just making it worse. Starting to feel like I've been cornered. Weigh down. Paralyzed. This isn't being depressed this is being done. Don't want to be home, work, anywhere really. Usually I find my way out of things but I don't know how anymore. There is no way out this time. Everything is a constant uphill battle. Medical bills are piling up too and I'm drowning... Can't I just chuck it all and move to Tahiti? No? Fuck it I'm going to the bar...
"Well I’m thankful for the things I have,
And all the things I don’t.
And I’ve got dreams that will come true,
And I’ve got some that won’t.
Most the time I just walk the line wherever it goes.
‘Cuz you can’t hang yourself if you ain’t got enough rope."
- Chris Knight
So this is going to be a bad one... This is what I'm looking at. All negative, my situation and my environment is putting these thoughts in my head. As of recently I hate my job. Working for a new client which basically caused me to lose my overtime, my bonus and my free Directv. In essence my rate of pay dropped like $3 an hour. So I'm working just hard enough to keep from getting fired and that's not like me. I didn't get where I am by being a slacker, my "don't give a shit" attitude has never been so strong for that place as it is right now. On a good note, the salary cap with the new client is higher than the old one, so I may get a raise. The first in three years. So help me God if they give me a quarter I'll quit. That's an insult. Why do I stay? I'm good at what I do and after 10 years I can get away with murder there. My recent job searches have been futile. Onto home life, my decision to help out my mother so she could sell her house and quit one of her jobs has turned into a living hell for me. Getting nagged and constantly having someone on my ass has gotten real old real fast. It's getting harder and harder to bite my tongue when nothing I do is enough. If I get out of that house and out of this state she will be screwed. It's killing me to stay here, I feel like I'm losing my soul. It's slowly being bitched out of me. Keep in mind I hate Vegas to begin with and this is just making it worse. Starting to feel like I've been cornered. Weigh down. Paralyzed. This isn't being depressed this is being done. Don't want to be home, work, anywhere really. Usually I find my way out of things but I don't know how anymore. There is no way out this time. Everything is a constant uphill battle. Medical bills are piling up too and I'm drowning... Can't I just chuck it all and move to Tahiti? No? Fuck it I'm going to the bar...
"Well I’m thankful for the things I have,
And all the things I don’t.
And I’ve got dreams that will come true,
And I’ve got some that won’t.
Most the time I just walk the line wherever it goes.
‘Cuz you can’t hang yourself if you ain’t got enough rope."
- Chris Knight
Friday, October 12, 2007
Karma Is A Bitch
Once a lie is out there you can't bring it back. It can't be untold. The trust can't be unbroken. The friendship didn't mean enough for you to tell me the truth. Makes me wonder what else you lied to me about because you didn't think I was worth the truth. Did you think I wouldn't notice? Apparently I wasn't that much to lose. Anyone who really knows me is aware of how I feel about lying. Honesty is crucial and its a deal breaker. On the flip side, I also believe in not doing things you will need to lie about later. Never would I have condemned you for your actions, I would have been surprised and got over it. Omission is one thing, but when I ask you a direct question... if you didn't want to say just tell me its none of my business, even if it does effect me. Now I don't believe you anymore. Forgiveness is simple as I will not carry this with me, forgetting will be a lot harder. It's not up to me to pass judgment, but it is up to me to decide the character of those I surround myself with. You reap what you sow. There's no way I'll be around for that harvest.
"I have seldom known anyone who deserted truth in trifles that could be trusted in matters of importance." - William Paley
Once a lie is out there you can't bring it back. It can't be untold. The trust can't be unbroken. The friendship didn't mean enough for you to tell me the truth. Makes me wonder what else you lied to me about because you didn't think I was worth the truth. Did you think I wouldn't notice? Apparently I wasn't that much to lose. Anyone who really knows me is aware of how I feel about lying. Honesty is crucial and its a deal breaker. On the flip side, I also believe in not doing things you will need to lie about later. Never would I have condemned you for your actions, I would have been surprised and got over it. Omission is one thing, but when I ask you a direct question... if you didn't want to say just tell me its none of my business, even if it does effect me. Now I don't believe you anymore. Forgiveness is simple as I will not carry this with me, forgetting will be a lot harder. It's not up to me to pass judgment, but it is up to me to decide the character of those I surround myself with. You reap what you sow. There's no way I'll be around for that harvest.
"I have seldom known anyone who deserted truth in trifles that could be trusted in matters of importance." - William Paley
Monday, November 14, 2005
Must bitch now. Yes this is Vegas ba-by! Land of fantasy, intrigue, movie stars, casinos, ferarri's, whores, strippers etc etc... And when you move here with an attitude like that "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas." Just leave your money when you go. Did you move here with a bankroll? Good! Then you are not who I'm addressing. Did you move here to seek out a good job or make fast buck on our booming, overpriced real estate market? Good! I'm not talking to you either. I'm talking about all the 20 and 30 somethings who come here on vacation and fall in love with the party life and decide to move to the adult disneyland. Helllloooooo, you couldn't party all the time back wherever it was you came from and make a living what the hell makes you think this would be any different??? There are real people here. With real families, jobs and responsiblities. Its like any other city. Except we have legalized gaming everywhere, there is no last call and the weather is lovely in the winter. What pisses me off are the influx of 5000+ people a month who move here seeking god knows what. Local officials keep tabs on the population boom but what I would like to know is how many people run from here with their tail between there legs? Having lived here for 22 years (I had no choice in moving here I was a child) and pretty much grown up here. I know how this place goes. Growing up with the transient nature of Las Vegas I've compared it to being a military brat... only I didn't do the moving. Honestly, I think people leave the worsts of themselves in Vegas. The good parts are what they take when they go. That's why anywhere must be better than here.
PS. To everyone who swears everything is better everywhere else...Go Home. If you miss it that much, sheesh. I've heard for days who has the best pizza, best chinese, best italian food, best skiing, best air, nicest people, least traffic, bluest skies...yada yada yada. If it sux so bad here why'd you leave where you were??? Go home, make my commute easier LOL.
PS. To everyone who swears everything is better everywhere else...Go Home. If you miss it that much, sheesh. I've heard for days who has the best pizza, best chinese, best italian food, best skiing, best air, nicest people, least traffic, bluest skies...yada yada yada. If it sux so bad here why'd you leave where you were??? Go home, make my commute easier LOL.
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