Castles

So a friend told me this story a few nights ago. We were talking, joking, and somewhere along the way the conversation turned serious. At that exact moment it fit my frame of mind and almost brought me to tears. No way can I capture that moment but I can tell the story...

A man gets up on the soapbox in the middle of the town square. He shouts to the passersby "Would you like to see the most beautiful heart in all the world?" After a crowd gathers to view what he was speaking of, he unbuttons his shirt. There on the man's chest was the most beautiful heart, bright red, luminous, perfect in every way, no scars or bruises. The crowd oohed and awwed over this vision in front of them. They approached him, wanting to touch his beautiful heart. The man quickly became guarded, closing his shirt and yelling at them to get back. 'No one can touch me there, you'll fade it, scar it. It's beautiful, but no one can touch it.' He runs away before anyone gets too close. A feeble old man walks to the front to take the young man's place. He says to the crowd "Would any of you like to see the beauty of my heart?" Everyone stares as the old man unbuttons his shirt to reveal his heart. They gasp, it's faded, covered with nicks and scars, a large piece is actually missing. He points to the scars "My heart was not guarded. Allowing people to touch it they left there marks, I've loved and lost and loved again. This piece that's missing? I gave it to my wife when she died." He invited the crowd to him and let them touch his scarred, battered, beautiful heart.

When he told me the story I knew which was better, which was right. At that moment I knew, and friends are funny to say the thing you didn't know you needed to hear. After careful examination of my own heart and over thinking it like I do everything, I know that I'm that latter of the two. You know us, the one's who wear our heart's on our sleeves and stupidly let go. Still I'm having a hard time anymore believing that the first guy isn't better off.

Bridges

Something has flip flopped. Watching it fall away and knowing I may have had a hand in pushing it doesn't help. Did I really? Did it fall on it's own and I happened to be standing there. Being me I want to take the blame. Even though I'm not 100% sure what exactly it is I'm blaming myself for. Some rules somewhere say I haven't done a damn thing wrong. My heart says otherwise. The little crevice between us that opened one night has turned into a canyon. The bridges you tried to erect, well I guess I ignored them, set fire to them. Walked away. Right now, what I'm thinking is I miss my friend. Where we were once before things took a sharp turn left, wandered back to the center and stalled. What's left? Taking shots at me, and running a friend down that you never took the time to understand. Maybe it would be better if I just walked away completely, maybe I should have along time ago. It's easier to walk when things are good, the person is perfect, then you don't have to get to see what imperfections they have and watch them fall from the imaginary pedestal you put them on. You must be this tall to ride this ride? Right? Sound at all familiar to you?

Just a quick one...

Anyone checking in here from time to time has probably seen me reference this song and this artist more than once. He's a favorite of mine that you will never hear on the radio, well at least not him singing but you will hear his songs. Anyway, the man wrote my theme song, since the embedding from you tube is disabled click here to hear it. Feeling this way a lot lately...

One more just because it's awesome and, damn who hasn't felt like this?

What a day!

And damn did it turn out awesome! So I forget stuff. One thing I kept forgetting to do was actually buy tickets to the concert I went to last night. A few days ago a friend told me that another of our friend's had extras. So after calling the box office yesterday morning I found out he had better be right. The show was sold out. CRAP. Well I decide to go ahead a browse through the concert listings at the House Of Blues. Since I was there anyway. Didn't see anything I would actually pay to see until I got to the bottom. Last one listed was... (drum roll please) GARY ALLAN. May 29th. Texted best friend in Utah. Texted sister in Houston. Texted two friends here. Remembered what I was actually on the site for to begin with. Called to inquire about supposed extra tickets to the show. Hmmm he'll call around and find out. Boy did he come through for me! Hehe, and I talked him into going to the other concert with me (didn't require much talking). Friend in Utah called and she's on it too. She wants to see the love of her life and get trashed in Vegas. I now have three tickets to the House of Blues, seats 1800, which will be the equivalent of seeing him at a bar. So me, my best friend and my favorite Canadian are going to see THE MAN. Words can't describe how excited I am!!! Which reminds me I need to be sure that he knows the *incident* that happened during the show last night will never happen again. Ever, ever, ever...

Did I Break Your Concentration?

Umm a friend suggested since I can't talk about something maybe I should find an online board. So I went lurking. Reading through others comments, joking about there disease made me cry. It isn't just me and I'm screwed. There's one thing I've not mentioned on here, sometimes I feel like I'm getting dumber by the day. Sure I forget stuff, I may tell you the same thing 10 times and lock my keys in my car. My friends probably think I don't care to remember what they tell me, I'm sorry that suddenly Minnesota and Wisconsin are interchangeable to me. My spelling has declined to the point that spell check isn't to be dismissed. It looks right to me, but it never is. You know the sensation of having something on the tip of your tongue but can't get it out? Hehe, that's me on a daily. Had this happen tonight - Me and a friend were picking songs out of the new internet jukebox at our favorite bar. One of my selections was "Alright Guy" by Gary Allan (song cracks me up). Another guy comes up to me and asks who the singer is, says he's not really into country but he digs it. So I tell him the name and we start talking a bit. Ask me who some other artists I would recommend are, says he doesn't really like Big & Rich or Rascal Flatts, likes stuff with more of an edge (speaking my language). Drawing a complete blank I stare at my friend, I suddenly have no idea what the guy just asked me or what to say. Friend stares back and says Brad Paisley. Oh yea, I remember now. Sheepishly, I rattle off a few names to the guy. That's embarrassing, and I wish I could say a drink or three was involved but I was drinking water. It's like 90% of the time my brain is going so fast in so many directions that I can't keep up and then...sputter, stall, what was I doing? Sure I don't mind getting teased about it, nobody knows. At times it can be damn funny. Just hate that there have been times when they tell me things, important things, details about their lives and I forget. Believe me, I wish I didn't.

Blindsided...

How weird is this, I haven't thought of him in a long time. At least not in this way. I talk to him, talk about him. He's been part of my life for over half of it. Even if we're not together anymore he's still part of my life. How odd to miss something, yet not want it back. Telling someone a story earlier about teaching him a lesson must have stirred something distant in my mind. Awhile after, a long forgotten image popped into my head. Out of the blue, I was in the middle of working (how I hate the way my brain functions sometimes). Walking into the living room seeing him and the boy curled up together, the baby in his pajamas still clutching his bottle. Sleeping. They were my whole world. They were my home. So today, on a random Tuesday, an image from easily 13-14 years ago caused a small rip, a reopening of an old wound that doesn't seem to want to stay closed. It ached for awhile, still that same pain as if no time has passed. For a moment only, this will pass. For a moment, I felt a flicker of the girl who stood in the living room that night, that one who died a slow painful death starting in November of '01. The girl I try to forget ever existed because it hurts too much to miss her and to look in the mirror at what remains.

"There've been mornin's when I couldn't wake up
& evenin's when I couldn't sleep
My life will be fine for months at a time
Then I'll break down & cry for a week
'Cause when I told you I'd love you forever
I know you didn't think it was true
But forever is nothin'
Compared to some nights I've been through
In these years after you"

-John Conlee

Easy

He knows about this because I told him. When I get too much stuff buzzing around in my head I need to let some of it out. Writing it down for storage? For future reference or whatever. People don't amaze me a lot. I've got a great group of friends that I know I can rely on. Mostly just party with. The new addition I met a month ago is the one that's buzzing around in my head (not for that reason). He's surprised me for different reasons. I knew and I told him that he was bad for me, like chocolate. He makes me laugh, he makes me feel important, he's easy as hell to talk to about everything and on occasion, when I think we're going up on two wheels, he makes me scream. He's smart as anyone I've ever known, spontaneous (I still want to go to the zoo! or maybe Cedar?), unconventional, unpredictable, a little odd, a gentleman, and so different from anyone I've ever known. Like me in ways, but different. The time I spend with him is easy and natural, he doesn't weigh on me. He doesn't judge me.

Spring vs Fall

When watching The Notebook tonight I realized what got me about him at first. You know that scene with the ferris wheel? That brashness that only youth can have. Too bad I'm not some pretty young thing like Allie was. That movie gets me every time, the first time I watched I must have cried for 20 minutes after it was over. Anyway, he's still so easy to talk to and I really like being around him. There's so much about him I like, we're both broken and we don't care. I just wish other people weren't jerks about it...

It's good to be right...

Back in previous post I was venting about country radio.... See I know a number one hit when I hear one! The newest single from one of my favorites that my local radio station initially refused to play has hit number one on the charts. Although on the Radio and Records chart it peaked at number 2. Not too bad.

Enough Rope

So this is going to be a bad one... This is what I'm looking at. All negative, my situation and my environment is putting these thoughts in my head. As of recently I hate my job. Working for a new client which basically caused me to lose my overtime, my bonus and my free Directv. In essence my rate of pay dropped like $3 an hour. So I'm working just hard enough to keep from getting fired and that's not like me. I didn't get where I am by being a slacker, my "don't give a shit" attitude has never been so strong for that place as it is right now. On a good note, the salary cap with the new client is higher than the old one, so I may get a raise. The first in three years. So help me God if they give me a quarter I'll quit. That's an insult. Why do I stay? I'm good at what I do and after 10 years I can get away with murder there. My recent job searches have been futile. Onto home life, my decision to help out my mother so she could sell her house and quit one of her jobs has turned into a living hell for me. Getting nagged and constantly having someone on my ass has gotten real old real fast. It's getting harder and harder to bite my tongue when nothing I do is enough. If I get out of that house and out of this state she will be screwed. It's killing me to stay here, I feel like I'm losing my soul. It's slowly being bitched out of me. Keep in mind I hate Vegas to begin with and this is just making it worse. Starting to feel like I've been cornered. Weigh down. Paralyzed. This isn't being depressed this is being done. Don't want to be home, work, anywhere really. Usually I find my way out of things but I don't know how anymore. There is no way out this time. Everything is a constant uphill battle. Medical bills are piling up too and I'm drowning... Can't I just chuck it all and move to Tahiti? No? Fuck it I'm going to the bar...

"Well I’m thankful for the things I have,
And all the things I don’t.
And I’ve got dreams that will come true,
And I’ve got some that won’t.
Most the time I just walk the line wherever it goes.
‘Cuz you can’t hang yourself if you ain’t got enough rope."

- Chris Knight

Rebif Sucks

Just took my shot before bed like you're supposed to, three times a week. Sunday is one of my three days. They better come up with a pill real goddamn fast because I'm tired of this. Yes, I know they are making advances all the time. The fact that I have any medication to take is an improvement and possibly a miracle blah, blah, blah... I just hate wondering "is this the shot that's going to make me sick?" Better have the extra blankets ready just in case. The fever caused me to shiver and shake so bad the other night I ended up with muscle cramps. Hmm muscle cramps seems like an inadequate description. Imagine the worst leg cramp ever, multiply it and have it start about mid back, through your hips and all the way into your calves, then add shooting pains on top of it. Every movement was a new exploration in pain. Walking was an adventure, to the medicine cabinet at 3am to try some ibuprofen because something had to make it stop. It did, when my alarm went off at 5am I was covered in sweat but the cramps had stopped. Is this crap really helping? It's no cure, it just a preventative. Supposed to stop scary stuff from happening. Still I wonder if it's worth it when I'm reading the computer screen at work and I realize one eye isn't focusing anymore and my left hand has gone numb again. It's a sick feeling to recognize that and wonder if it'll correct itself like before or if this time it'll stay that way, knowing there's not a damn thing that anyone can do if it does. Maybe writing about this will help, I don't want to talk to anybody about it. It felt kind of weird when one of my friend's figured out what I have because he knew what interferon was, so I had to tell him so he didn't think I had HIV or something. I didn't want him to know. Yea, I know you're not supposed to carry stuff like this on your own but I just don't want to explain it and I don't want to be treated differently. Maybe it's because there's no way I can put it so that anyone understands how scared I really am. The few times I tried it didn't sound right coming out of my mouth, or maybe nobody really wants to know. How these things may be minor inconveniences or annoying, but for me are a reminder of how it could get worse. Like waiting for the other shoe to drop. My goal is to live my life everyday like tomorrow may not come. I danced the other night and I didn't care who was watching. Keeping the urgency in my head, I remind myself to do it now and don't put it off. Tomorrow may be the day when you wake up and... (insert disability here).

S.S.D.D.

My Ipod has been repeating my newly purchased Stone Sour album during my trips to the gym. That album is safe because not a single song on it reminds me of you, well maybe just that last one. Hey, we gave it a good try. That's a lie? We made a half-assed, wounded attempt to go beyond friendship and failed, but not badly. Hehe, maybe we, or you, or even me doesn't know we failed for now. At least we're adult enough to go right back to where we were. That's the important thing here, I would have died if I lost your friendship. I wish you had never said anything. Actually, since I'm wishing, I wish you would have said something sooner. Probably wouldn't matter the result would have been the same just minus the mistakes on my side. Then again I may have made different one's. It's easier to blame this on my stupidity than it is to admit I may not be capable of going all in again. Letting go of past lessons seems to get harder every time and it was easier with you but I'm not the only one who's been burned. Letting go is not something you can do, not even for me. It hurts a little, but not too bad. If it was meant to happen it would have. We're still you and me and that's a good thing.

"What a wicked game to play, to make me feel this way.
What a wicked thing to do, to let me dream of you.
No, I don't want to fall in love.
With you. With you."

-Chris Isaak

"We call them cool
Those hearts that have no scars to show
The ones that never do let go
And risk the tables being turned

We call them fools
Who have to dance within the flame
Who chance the sorrow and the shame
That always come with getting burned

But you got to be tough when consumed by desire
'Cause it's not enough just to stand outside the fire "

-G. Brooks

Awake: The Fan

Amazingly after the last few days I woke up in a great mood this morning. Had I a revelation while I was sleeping? Everything is so clear now and makes sense again. Normally, through maturity and life experience, I have a pretty good understanding of the Fan and the way it works. Right before the shit hits it, I see it coming and step to the side of the Fan. Over the last few months I went off in a different direction and lost site of the Fan or had my back to it or
something. Sometimes it was just a little spray, but more often than not I got a full load all over me and was surprised it happened. Me and the Fan had an understanding and I broke the agreement through my own stupidity. If ever you gain this type of relationship remember this: Don't. Fuck. With. The FAN. Did it come to me in a dream I don't remember, through the food poisoning induced 26 hours of sleep on Saturday/Sunday? Couldn't tell you. There have been some mistakes and things I've done in the last few months where I was looking at myself saying WTF? Did you really just do that? People judge you by what you have already done, not by what you feel capable of doing. I lost site of that. What you meant to do, or wished you would have done doesn't matter. Actions are what's important and what lasts. To be cliche, hindsight is still 20/20 and for me a few times the repercussions and regret were immediate. When I woke up this morning it was more than in just the literal sense, my eyes felt clear, bright, focused and determined. Me and the Fan are tight again. No more mistakes, right buddy?

This was on a friend's Myspace page, in quotes, and I thought it sounded so cool...and so true. Don't know where it originally came from so I can't attribute it to anyone, but it was too perfect not to share.

"love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not spent, it is not excitement, it is not the issue of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and tis is both an art and a fortunate accident. It contains roots that have grown towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom falls from the branches it's found that the ones in love are one tree, not two."

Deep. Beautiful.

Random act of kindness

So I've been going through the hiring process for a government job. Had the courage to apply, went through the testing phase, working on the SF86 background check form. I researched and researched this job and it seems to fit in every way. Today they called for the next phase, some kind of interview. The guy went through this ten minute spiel on the requirements and expectations of employment, most of it quoting verbatim from the website I already read. No surprise. Until he got to the part about visible tattoos...wtf? All the crap I read NEVER mentioned that, and I was looking for it. So I agreed to the interview anyway, not mentioning the red, white and blue butterfly on my hand. Then frantically began googling ways I might be able to cover it up. Found something called dermablend sold at Dillard's. Not someplace that I can afford to frequent but I went there anyway. My first trip to a make-up counter. So I explained my plight to the make-up magician. This woman worked and worked on me with a product she was not familiar with. Not her counter. Wrong color, wrong coverage, wrong this and that. She was hellbent on getting it to work though and brought in help. With the expertise of the new woman we finally got it covered up and it looked great. Dottie, the new woman, turned to the first and said "I know we just got all this new stuff in, just give her the color tester to take home, she shouldn't have to buy this stuff for an interview." She palmed the little jar and acted like she was shaking my hand, the jar disappeared in my pocket. The first woman brought me over to her counter to put powder on their creation and set it. She went over how important the right powder was, then got this puzzled look and said something about the jar being too big. Ducking behind the counter, she dumped a bunch of the powder from the tester in some kleenex. Folding it into a makeshift envelope, she taped it closed and handed it to me. All I could manage was 'thank you' when she wished me luck. I could feel the tears coming. How did they know? I never said a word. Unless they could see it on my face, this random act of kindness meant more to me that they could ever know.

This too shall pass...

You're the edge I just stepped off of... Why do I get nervous around you? I shouldn't be anymore. Dropping things, laughing too much, running red lights. I've not acted like such a retard in my life, I need a helmet... You're gonna bail. Leave me behind. Part of me wants you to go, get it over with. You will forget me and move on. There's something about you I can't put my finger on, so I think the worst. Is that "something" you've changed your mind or are you nervous too? You said you can't just turn it off and I believe you. While I fight with myself to keep from running, so I'm trying to stand back. You go out of your way for me, do things with me that I don't even have to ask for. People don't surprise me in a good way normally, and you've surprised me more than anyone I've ever known. The more I know the more I want to know, and that just doesn't happen. Still I feel like I've only scratched the surface, that there's something hiding beneath. We've both been too alone, too injured for too long for this to work right. We're teetering between friendship and the next level, friendship is easier. Friendship is not going to get me hurt. Friendship doesn't make promises destined to be broken. Being alone is easy, I'm used to it. If you don't try you are guaranteed to fail, but in this case the failure isn't that bad because maybe it never should have gone this far. Now that we've said it where do we go from here? Words could never express how sorry I am to have hurt you. That's one end I'm not used to being on, and actions I'm not used to making. Moments I never thought I was capable of. Why does something so good have to be so hard? And yet you're still here...

"I'm always easier to catch
Than I've ever been to hold
I'm a twisted rose, a tangled weed
The last thing that I need
Is to want you
Cause I don't want to"

-T.Y.

Maybe...ships passing

How many mistakes will you watch me make before you walk away? Working on quite the collection right now. How blind will you allow me to be? You tried to hide, but I saw, and I ignored it. It couldn't possibly be real, I had to of misunderstood. It was there every time, and I knew but pretended not to. So I stupidly ran. Maybe I fell down because something hurt when I ran. Are you being patient? Even when you said it out loud to me after I fucked up, I dismissed it and told you I didn't want to hurt you because I know how I am. It was never awkward, it never could be. It's you and me. What it must have taken for you to tell me and I barely acknowledged your words. Didn't want to hear them, couldn't believe you said them. Finally it caught up to me, in a ton of bricks sort of way, and I know it wasn't you I ran from. It was me. Did you know you can't run from what you feel inside? Distance and time never killed this, but my foolishness, stupidity and hurting you may have. Maybe I'll say it, maybe I can get it out before it's too late. Maybe the "what ifs" will stop keeping me up at night. Maybe you won't laugh at me and tell me to kick rocks. Maybe you won't be angry, maybe you're not angry now. If you are, I deserve it. Maybe you didn't have any "rights" to be pissed, but you weren't wrong for feeling the way you did. Maybe you forgave me, but I still have to forgive myself. Maybe your friendship is worth me keeping my mouth shut....maybe it won't hurt you if I do.

This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait?
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

-Nickelback

Here's Your Sign

Watching one of my favorite comedian's (Bill Engvall) tonight reminded me of this incident... The morning I was to have that minor surgery, after Thanksgiving, I woke up with a raging headache. Not a migraine, but one that I could probably get rid of with some tylenol. Having been instructed not to eat or drink anything after midnight, I couldn't take anything. Driving to the hospital I was starting to feel like I was going to hurl. Outpatient surgery informed me that my surgery wasn't actually scheduled until 3:45, not 9am like the doc had told me. I still had to stay because of all this other crap they had to do to me. My friend Kim, who was there with me and has probably forgotten more medical crap than I have ever known, told me just take the pills with a sip of water. It'll all be out of my system long before the surgery. I'm a caffeine and breakfast kind of girl, so I'm already spiralling into a foul mood. After being assigned my room, the nurse starts asking me questions while I'm filling out some forms. Have I eaten or drank anything? Sure, see this bottle of water? I have drank this much (maybe 2 ounces). She was aghast, and proceeded to condemn me for doing such a horrible thing. "And we might just have to cancel your surgery and schedule it for another day and..." Hehe, really??? "Nothing against your staff, but the doctor and his staff have already pissed me off and if we could start over another day because I had a sip of water? Fine, let's do that. Can I go now?" She would have to check with the doctor. Well apparently the bit of water was A OK with the good doc. About a half hour later the same nurse came running back in..."Has anyone done a pregnancy test on you?" Hmmm don't think so? She handed me a cup and I lost it, completely lost it I was laughing so hard I could barely stand up. My thought was "Here's Your Sign" but instead I managed to say, through the bursts of laughter "If I wasn't supposed to have anything to eat or drink after midnight, how do you purpose I fill this? I bet you're glad I drank that water now!" The woman in the bed next to mine lost it...

Naming Names?

Aha! Someone was eve's dropping on my conversation the other day. We were talking about the latest coward in Omaha to go up against innocent lives with an automatic weapon. God, how pissed I was when the news was talking about his note saying at least he would be famous now. Well don't publish his name! Don't utter it on air. Ever. Don't give them what they were looking for. Remember the Virginia Tech shooting? He sent that package to the news station between shootings! In part, this article is true. Did I remember the name of the Columbine shooters? No I didn't. I don't remember the name of the guy who shot the people at Albertson's here. Already I had forgotten the name of the Virginia Tech guy. People remember the act more than the one who committed it or were victims of it. The media is who drills this information into our brains. There was a lot more reported about the shooter than the victims. Someone who is a little wacko, or a lot wacko, may see this as some kind of glory. Where the media is concerned I understand they have a certain obligation to report the news. Come on, if you don't glorify what the shooter did and focus on the humanity, the victims and there families and what they lost maybe, just maybe one guy out there will change his mind when he sees there's no recognition in it. No blaze of glory, no media frenzy. Could this maybe fall under a matter of public safety? If one channel, one broadcaster had the balls to set this kind of precedence or if the public clamored for it, maybe we could help end this type of thing. If it prevented it from happening once it would be worth it, "duty to informing the public" be damned.

Since I'm bitching about the media, on a separate note here, I really don't care what Paris Hilton, Lindsey Lohan or Britney Spears is doing! If it doesn't pertain to a movie or CD I don't want to know! Even then I really, really don't. Since Paris Hilton is only famous for being famous I would never have to hear about her again! I would put money on the fact that many reporters could not name one soldier killed in Iraq. Those are the names that should be headlines, not some twitty Hollywood starlets.

Stepping off my soapbox now...

Don't Blink

Whenever I watch this video I get a little misty-eyed, and I'm not really sure why. When I was a kid I remember people telling me how time flies as you get older, being a kid my attitude was "whatever". Of course, now I know what they were talking about. It's hard to believe I've been 30 for a year, and now I'm 31. Youth is truly wasted on the young. Time is slipping by and I'm trying to make the most of it, every chance I get. Doing things I may have put off and now I don't. We don't know how many tomorrow's we have been given so we might as well make the most of today.

Here's another song that kind of got me too. Don't you wish you could go back and tell yourself these things? An interesting twist on the "if I knew then what I know now".

It's got claws!?!

My friend's and I were talking about how maybe we got through November unscathed this year. Then I told her about putting the previous entry on here and her jaw dropped. Yup, I did it. Well November landed on my ass, literally. The day after I posted that. We made our traditional Thanksgiving trek to Utah, these friend's really are my family. Side note: Sometimes the meds I take give me a fever and sore throat for a day or so after so that was no indicator. Anyway, Thanksgiving night we were all drinking - a lot. Add a bit of snow to the rum and someone will fall on her ass, in the driveway, and not remember what she fell on. The next day I noticed a couple of scratches and what looked like two little holes on my rear. No pain, or a second thought about them. Still had the fever. Saturday night I leaned against the kitchen counter and it hurt, a lot. Still had the fever. Those two holes were now red, swollen, pea sized. The transformation from Saturday night to Sunday morning was remarkable. Now they were saucer sized, hot and bright red. After investigating the driveway I am still at a loss as to what could have caused those. On the drive home they opened up (ruined that pair of jeans) and I knew I was screwed. Already I knew what cellulitis (staph infection) was and I used Google to confirm my suspicions. Monday I was at the urgent care when they opened, by Tuesday I was in surgery to remove some of the tissue and assist in the drainage process. Gross. Morphine is very cool and I learned you can get a hangover from it. Also learned pain can be bad enough to make you black out and vomit. So here it is Sunday and I can now sit long enough to type up my tale of woe. No pun intended. It could have been worse, I know you can die from a staph infection. Thank God I recognized what it was, Thank God November is over for another year.

Somewhere I know this might be it, this maybe when. Maybe it will stop. I can hope. Writing this some time ago I never had the balls to put it in on here. I was told it's not the right time. When will it be? Twenty years? Thirty years? My death bed? Some may read this and think "get over it". You've not lived it. Sometimes during the year it crosses my mind but in October it begins to scratch my brain. It's coming. Open season. Maybe now I can and maybe, just maybe I'm not opening Pandora's box...

Wake Me Up When November Ends...

This may never see the light of day buy I'm writing it anyway. So if you see this and it disappears, I've changed my mind. There's a November thing that can't be explained, but I'm going to try. When I write about things that are bothering me it helps. Writing about this before (not here) scared me. Similar to that child like fear of the dark or monsters in the closet. If I put it on paper, the monster is real and not just in my head. The other day I realized its been 15 years, this November will be 15 years. Two people share this with me, we were together when it started and we've been together since. This is not the tie that binds us, but its a large thread woven into the fabric of our friendship. A "curse" sounds very over the top, mellow dramatic or whatever. There really isn't another name for it except "November" for the three of us. Usually I can be cryptic and vague on here and only tell exactly how much needs to be known. This can't be this way. Fuck it, here it goes...

When your fifteen it's not possible to look at your friend and think "dead". No matter how much blood there is, and not just blood. Even when the air is heavy with gun smoke. You can taste it. She's not moving. Some part of me knew and maybe that's what kept my feet weighted to floor. Kept me from going to her. Kept the nightmares from being worse than they were. When the cops arrived he couldn't hide the surprise on his face when I asked if she was alright. "She's gone, she never knew what hit her." He wanted to be sure I knew she didn't suffer. Not when it's a .357. She was here, and now she's not. Really part of me thought I could be wrong, maybe it was her leg he hit (there was blood there) and not her head. The whole thing is surreal, parts are in slow motion, yet I remember every detail as if it happened yesterday. The fear and complete shock on my two best friend's faces, must be exactly what they saw on mine.

That's where the November thing started. The following year my best friend's grandmother had a stroke and our friend Tim Purdy dropped dead at a movie theatre. We started to wonder. Two years later our grandparents were in a severe car accident and my husband lost his job, on the same day. We started to dread November. I won't go thru a whole timeline here, just some of the worst. Stella was shot on November 19th. Tim collapsed on November 19th, they pulled the plug November 21st. My stepmother lost her fight with cancer on November 19th. My son was mauled by a dog November 9th and my transmission went out two days later. My husband left on November 17th. My mother was in a car accident November 1st. My son had stitches in his head November 28th. My grandma passed away November 6th. I think you may get my point. I counted my blessings last November when the only thing that happened to me was my refrigerator quit working. The bottom line is it affected all three of us. Sometimes it's minor inconveniences, vehicles breaking or losing jobs. Death has touched this month repeatedly, no birth days in my family. We dread November and I'm tired of it. My original plan was to move to Colorado around the 15th of November if either of the jobs came thru. Screw the November thing. In the back of my mind something was saying do you really want to do that? With fourteen bad November's passed do you want to chance that the 15th one will be different somehow? My thought was maybe it was a good time to thumb my nose at it. Start something new. With the track record we have in this month it's probably not a good idea. Wake me up when November ends.

My People

Some thoughts were going thru my head after this last weekend. I really had fun. Live music, explosions, loud jets and men in uniform. What more could a girl ask for? Those things you can get anywhere most of the time. What really stuck out to me and made it fun was the people I was with. If it had just be me I would have enjoyed it, but it wouldn't have been the same. These are my people, my friends, the one's that know all about me and love me anyway. Taking the wrong bus and ending up lost at the speedway would have sucked if my friends weren't there laughing about how our fine Nevada "edumacation" was shining through. My friend and I both drooling over the same hotty in the straw cowboy hat downtown, laughing til we were in tears, arguing over which guy in the band (Halfway to Hazard) we were going to take home. Last night a couple of my friends had a great night and all we did was sit in the back of the truck drinking moonshine and bs'ing! Do I really want to leave that? Part of me knows you would never relocate for people, so why would you stay? The rule goes both ways right? For moments like that I could stay, might even be worth it. Then I think, sure it's easy to keep doing what I've been doing. Easier to stay miserable than take a huge leap of faith. I'll make friends in Colorado, I'm sure of it. This is the hardest part. They'll never compare to what I'm about to leave behind.

If Love Was A Plane

There's something that the majority of us keep subjecting ourselves to over and over. Even though we have a 100% failure rate we still keep trying. Searching for that heart pounding, butterfly creating, sleep depriving, all consuming love. Praying that when that newness finally fades that it has shifted to something deeper. That you're not left standing there wondering what the hell you were thinking, or worse you have shifted and the other person is wondering what they were thinking. There are forever people and there are right now people. When you take that leap...know which one you are. Forever people know that there is an emotion, beyond the heart thudding giddiness, that develops when that fades away. "Right now" people are just that, in it for right now. Once they can sleep again and the butterflies have vanished they are collecting their DVD's and clothes in search of the next new thing. The magic is gone. Next. You can see where a forever person might get the shaft here. If one would stop and think for a moment "Can I trust myself with their heart?", listen to your gut, know if you're not thinking of their feelings - let them go. Know yourself. Even with the odds against us, we still try. All we need to do is win one hand.

Yea, there's a new guy. Knowing that my intentions are to leave here, I treaded lightly. My stupid heart doesn't need somebody trying to convince me to stay. So I probed. Do you really like living here? Luckily he's been here long enough to not care for it anymore, he's on the fence. Either that or he didn't want to express enthusiasm to one side or the other. Screw it, I told him I was leaving and gave him his chance to bail, before either of us is in too far. His reaction? Can I go? Wasn't expecting that. So, I told him we'd cross that bridge IF we get to it. Another reaction that I wasn't expecting was the wounded look. So I said, "Not implying that's where we're headed, but realistically, have you ever had a relationship that didn't end?"

"Imagine now, the pilots voice, on the intercom right before we leave the ground.
Sayin, folks thanks for flyin with us, but there's a 6 in 10 chance we're goin' down.
If love was a plane, nobody'd get on."
-Brad Paisley

Pride Sucks

What's wrong with me! A friend of mine wants to pay for me to go to Homestead, FL for the final Nascar race of the season...and I can't say yes and I can't say no. Part of me is thinking my god that's a lot of money. Another part is thinking he can afford it and it's once in a lifetime experience. As big a Nascar fan as I am I've never been able to afford to go to a race. I believe, in most circumstances, if you didn't earn it you can't appreciate it. Everything I've gotten I've worked my ass off to get. This is seriously a case of the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and I don't know who to believe. Why is this so hard? Do I really have that much pride??? Just can't get past it, maybe I won't regret saying no, but I know I'll feel small for saying yes. That's my answer.

Until Next Year...

Yes, I watched every moment of the World Series. What movie was that line from? "Watch out kid, they'll break your heart." Not for me, my heart broke for them. Maybe it was the 8 days off, maybe they just went cold, maybe they finally met their match. They did improve over each game, had they made it to game 5 I think they may have won. Since they never made excuses, I'm not going to either. No matter how that series turned out, no one can take away what they accomplished in just getting there. They had a record setting season, that 13 inning game against the Padres will go down in history, won 21 out of 22 and swept the postseason teams they faced. They were the hottest thing in baseball for more than a month. No one can take that away.

Congrats to the Red Sox and their fans... I hope we kick your ass next year. :)

The Road Not Taken

Sometimes I get the feeling that people think I've not done anything interesting. Maybe I've not seen the skyscrapers of New York City, swam with dolphins in the Caribbean or even been to the Grand Canyon. Hell I've only been to the coast four times and I've never been further east than Iowa. Not that the world doesn't interest me, it just has to wait. Since sixteen my life has been another kind of adventure. You want excitement? Lose a two year old at the mall the day after Thanksgiving. In another state. You want a rush? Just see if you can reach the street before he does, when you can hear the car coming and he's at the age that it's fun to run from mommy. Barefoot, at a full run after him, that gravel driveway never seemed so long and so short all at once. Heart pounding thrills? Try to decipher "a fire in the garage" from a wailing three year old (sounds a lot like "I fell off the couch"). Then try to put that fire out before it spreads beyond the garage. Try not to be too mad at him when he brings you the phone saying "Mama, there's a lady" because he called the fire department himself. Not 911, but the fire department. Beauty? Those big blue eyes peering over the bumper pad first thing in the morning. When the day before you swore he wouldn't see daylight again. You can learn to lie. When he's in a hospital bed and looking you in the eyes for your reaction to how bad the neighbor's dog mangled his leg. When all you want to do is puke, instead you smile and say "That's not so bad. They'll be able to fix that up no problem." Make an excuse to duck out into the hallway before your lunch and the tears come out. You can learn to act. When the dean tells you he started the largest food fight in the school's history. All you can think is "how does he not have an ounce of food on him?" and fight back giggles because you're the mom and that stuff's not supposed to be funny. But it is. Sure I remember how bitter cold the ocean was the first time the waves washed over my bare feet along the coast of Oregon. I've watched the sun disappear into the bay in San Diego. Once I saw a tornado in Nebraska (once will always be enough on that experience). I know how loud rain is when beating on the stalks of a cornfield and the how sulphur from a geyser smells. I remember falling asleep in the shade of the aspen trees along the banks of Deer Creek, and having him wake me up to show me the whole stringer of trout he caught by himself. He needed help getting the hook out of his thumb. I also remember the first time he smiled, his first steps, his first lunar eclipse (he exclaimed "Oh No! Mama the moon burned out"), when he learned to ride a bike (and learned to take a fall), when he caught his first fish, his first day of junior high, the first time he was able to pick me up and I can't count the number of times he's made me laugh to tears. Maybe I'm not as worldly, traveled or sophisticated as some but I'm not "missing" anything. Giving him everything he needs to be the best he can. No matter how tough it's been, this is the path that was taken and I wouldn't trade one second of it for a thousand trips around the world.

Well I’m thankful for the things I have,
And all the things I don’t.
And I’ve got dreams that will come true,
And I’ve got some that won’t.
- Chris Knight "Enough Rope"

Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
- Robert Frost

Did I mention?




WORLD SERIES BABY!

This last week was kind of rough. Usually I try not to let people get to me and drag me down. I had every right to be pissed at someone for a minute. We're both lucky we haven't spoken because I would have unloaded on him and been very childish about the whole thing. There were a few choice words that, I now know, were better left unspoken. My censorship mechanism would have been fully disengaged and it would have ended with me being the jerk. With the time that has passed I've been able to think things through. Being able to appreciate the reasons behind the lies doesn't change anything. Part of me is already over it, all of me will never be able to fully trust him again. That's what hurts more than anything.

Anyway today I am feeling way to damn good! Probably emphasized by the fact that I am moving on from that other crap. The Rockies won again last night and I really believe they are World Series bound, they are one win away! At this point they seem unstoppable. Honestly I think my excitement may have even surpassed the Angels winning the World Series in 2002. Remembering the Rockies starting out in the 90's I latched onto them back then, because they were new, but they never really went very far and I lost interest when they only made out of the regular season once. With the Angels choking in the post season I'm thrilled I still have a team to root for, and what amazing games these guys have delivered! Making history with every inning. All the way baby! Where's the broom?

On a side note about the whole getting the hell out of sorryville... If everything goes ok between now and then I will be leaving here in January or February at the latest. A good friend offered me a place to stay, figuring I have enough to move with right now. That should give me enough time to get everything wrapped up here. God my stomach hurts thinking about it! Imagine me not in this hell hole anymore!

Karma Is A Bitch

Once a lie is out there you can't bring it back. It can't be untold. The trust can't be unbroken. The friendship didn't mean enough for you to tell me the truth. Makes me wonder what else you lied to me about because you didn't think I was worth the truth. Did you think I wouldn't notice? Apparently I wasn't that much to lose. Anyone who really knows me is aware of how I feel about lying. Honesty is crucial and its a deal breaker. On the flip side, I also believe in not doing things you will need to lie about later. Never would I have condemned you for your actions, I would have been surprised and got over it. Omission is one thing, but when I ask you a direct question... if you didn't want to say just tell me its none of my business, even if it does effect me. Now I don't believe you anymore. Forgiveness is simple as I will not carry this with me, forgetting will be a lot harder. It's not up to me to pass judgment, but it is up to me to decide the character of those I surround myself with. You reap what you sow. There's no way I'll be around for that harvest.

"I have seldom known anyone who deserted truth in trifles that could be trusted in matters of importance." - William Paley

Cleveland School

While at work today I wrote this... I guess it hit me hard because my son is the same age. His school was locked down last year because someone (an adult) brought a gun on campus.

Sometimes I wish we didn't have the news on in here. Right now all I want to do is go home and hug my son. I can't stop thinking about him. He's 14, too. What could make someone of that age do that? What could be so wrong? How could someone not know? How could a child get to that point and no one notice? At that age you really don't have the concept that death is forever. Now he is, dead at 14.

Everything feels like it has to be now. The kaleidoscope of lights and zig-zag lines across my vision is starting to happen everyday. They told me it was an ocular migraine. My eyeball has a headache. They've told me a lot of things. The best parts of my life, the parts that matter, I want to spend living, working and playing somewhere that appeals to me. Somewhere we can have a better life, somewhere I might be able to afford the medication that can prolong the parts that really matter. It has to be now because I don't know what kind of later there will be. Something's shouldn't be funny, but they have to be. Like when I was driving the other day and I realized if one of my not so great tires picked now to blow... I'm driving on my spare. Not being negative, maybe stupid, but not negative. That's a good indication of how this feels. Four bald tires and no spare. It became funny when I started comparing it to Nascar. Maybe I can get away with just a two tire change this stop for track position. You'll know when I get there. The car with sparks flying, riding on the rims and the driver praying the bearings don't seize. Maybe I can do a Clint Bowyer and cross the finish line upside down on fire. I have to laugh at this stuff because I refuse to cry.

"There comes a time in everyone's life when all you can see are the years passing by, and I have made up my mind those days are gone." - Rascal Flatts

Country Radio Part 2



Somehow on a previous post about country radio I think it may have ended up in a rant that included some artists. This is not a retraction but rather a further explanation. Some artists are radio icons, radio ready or whatever you want to call it. Having earned the place in heavy rotation through whatever means, which sometimes we forget, also includes talent. During other discussions I've had recently I realized the whole point was forgotten. It was not to criticize the artists who are fortunate enough to have their music on the radio, it was to complain about the radio beating those songs to death. To keep myself from burning out on some of my favorites (Tim McGraw, Rascal Flatts and Kenny Chesney) I stopped listening to country radio altogether. This was also to keep from hating the fresh fish that have started out in heavy rotation. Going back to XM radio I've fixed that problem. They play enough variety plus artists you will never find on any Clear Channel station (ie. Steve Earle, Chris Knight, Randy Rogers). Anyway, the argument was never aimed at the artists but radio for the lack of variety. No, I'm not one of those people who are now shutoff to radio all together, I just like to have choices. For someone who can listen to everything from Linkin Park and Blue October to Waylon and Willie, XM is the bomb!

Things Change

Enough time has gone by I doubt you read this anymore (or if you ever did). You know how writing makes me feel better, like removing a splinter. This one has festered long enough. Just for the record, and I know I told you anyway, I didn't mean to break your heart or mine in the process. Sometimes things change, at least we could agree on that. Losing someone else was never my intention and I never meant to push you away. There's so many things about you I miss, and some I don't. Muddling along was ok for me, for awhile, even after I knew it wasn't working out. It was like the elephant in the living room no one wants to talk about. Walking around it, setting your coffee on it and looking under it to watch TV doesn't mean it's not there anymore. We could talk about everything except us. Maybe if we had of things would have been different. Life lesson number 7,342... at the expense of something else that could have been good. Maybe not forever good, but for awhile good. We'll never know.

'There ought to be a town somewhere
Named for how I feel
Yeah I could be the mayor down there
And say ‘welcome to sorryville’
It wouldn’t be on a map no where
You might say that it don’t exist
But if you make enough wrong turns
It’d be hard to miss
There ought to be a bridge somewhere they could dedicate to me
I'd probably come to the ceremony with a can of gasoline
Walk on over to the other side
Where I'd light a match
Sit and stare through the smoke and flames and wonder how I'm gonna get back
Why do I do the things I do?
Was I born this way or am I self made fool?
I shoot the lights and I curse the dark
I need your love but I break your heart
And I know the words that’ll bring you back
But I don’t say nothing as I watch you pack
I had to work to become the jerk I've come to be
It ain’t easy being me.'

-Chris Knight

and that's all i have to say about that

Someone asked me the other day why I never told them I had MS. Eh, my answer was because I didn't think about it. Honestly the only time I ever think about it is when my thumb starts moving as if it has a mind of its own or when I have to take the shot every other day. Why would I want to remind myself that I have an incurable disease? That my immune system got bored (must be cuz I never get sick) and attacked my central nervous system? Fuck it, life's to short as it is, I'm not going to waste time on something I can't do anything about. Besides, I don't want the sympathy, I don't want to explain it and I don't want anyone looking at me differently. Nothing about me has changed, it's not like I grew a 3rd eye or something. Symptoms come and go, luckily for me they mostly go. Other than the bipolar that went away, and the shit curtain eye, the only other long term symptom I've had was about 8 years ago. My hand went numb for over a year. It started out with excruciating pain in my hand and arm. The doctor told me it was carpel tunnel. A few days later it went numb. Blistered-my-hand-on-the-oven-and-didn't-feel-it numb, I just knew "hmmm that should be hot". In my infinite wisdom at the time, no pain = no doctor. A year later I noticed I could feel it again. No pins and needles or anything to announce the arrival, it was just back. Anyway, maybe because of the manner in which the diagnoses took place it afforded me some relief. The guesses that were made prior, tumor, blood clot, stroke etc etc were way worse and potentially fatal. So when I heard multiple sclerosis my reaction was "that's it?" Yea, yea I know it is potentially disabling. Medically speaking the prognosis is better the younger you are, and I've already started treatment. In 8 years I've had three flare-ups, not too bad. Better than being dead. No sense in speculating the potential path it may or may not take. I'm fine, and no matter what the outcome is, I'll be fine anyway.

Here's the list I spoke of yesterday...

The things I liked:

The first thing I noticed was how nice the air smelled. There is a certain sweet, crisp quality to it. I believe it's called fresh air.
There was not a single house that was tan stucco with a red spanish tile roof. I swear every single house built here since the mid 80's is like that.
The city, even downtown, is very clean. Never really noticed how much trash you see in Vegas until now.
The light rail is also very clean. It had regular people on it, not weirdos like when you ride the city bus here.
No slot machines.
I don't remember seeing any pan handler's "will work for food" or homeless people. Maybe they keep them somewhere I didn't go, or maybe the city actually tries to take care of it's residents.
The buildings downtown are HUGE. Unlike the gaudy, neon covered hotels here these were very elegant looking.
You can go just a few miles one way or another and be in different terrain. Ponds, parks, trees, mountains and what looked like prairie.
The people are friendly. Probably all that fresh air.
Starbucks is everywhere. We were sitting next to a Starbucks and there was one across the street in a bookstore.
The tap water is not hard so it doesn't dry out my skin and hair(I remembered that from when my uncle lived there).
Groceries are cheaper.
The apartments there are amazing looking. Again, no stucco with red or blue tile roofs or off-pink wood siding. The apartments here don't even care if the colors look right together. My friend's apartment was one of the nicest I've ever seen.
It was kinda hot on one of the days, yet when you get in the shade you cool right off. The breeze felt cool, not like a hair dryer sucking all the moisture from you.
You don't have to walk through a casino to get to a movie theater, concert or restaurant.

Ok, there's only a couple things I didn't like:

The airport is out pretty far from town and there's a toll road going to it? I thought that was weird.
The oxygen is thin. On one hand I'm a cheap drunk, on the other hand I'm winded after walking a half mile (I normally walk/jog 2 miles without being winded).
No Roberto's.
No In 'N Out.

I'll get over that.

Sittin On Go

Maybe I'm a little crazy, but I don't think so. Not this time. How many years do I spend hating where I live? If after 24 years I don't have even a little affection for this town I don't think it's gonna happen. A friend asked me if there was anything about Vegas that I liked. Mulling that one over for awhile I had three answers - concerts, some 24 hour benefits and when I can see it disappearing in my review mirror. Sometimes I feel like it's weighing me down because I'm not happy here. The cost of living keeps going up and the wages stay the same. Two words - Nevada Power. We need lube when that bill arrives every month ($386 for this month). They just had a rate hike. Again. Anyway, I been thinking today. If, for whatever reason (because I blew it), I don't get a call about this job I'm outta here anyway. Utah would be great, but that's not going to happen unless I plan on living in poverty. Their cost of living is seriously off kilter from the wages. Not interested in California or Arizona. Colorado is nice and it looks like the price is right. I have years of experience in my line of work and it looks like there are a lot of employment opportunities there, even more than here. If it doesn't work out, I'll try somewhere else. I have a plan. All I'm doing here is spinning my wheels in the sand, getting nowhere. Stagnating. I wasn't born here and I hope to god I don't die here, but it's killing me to stay. Financially and emotionally killing me. Crazy? Not so much. Crazy is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

"When the way comes to an end - Change. Having changed you pass through." - I-Ching

"When I started pushing 30 it started pushing back." - Gary Allan

Hindsight

For the most part I can actually say I'm totally happy with myself. That statement alone is pretty close to a miracle considering some of the crap I went thru a few years ago. Through out my life I've done pretty well at having no regrets and not looking back. I don't dwell in the past on mistakes I've made, it's done, over with and behind me. Learn from it and move on. This past weekend I feel like I made a huge mistake. This time words didn't get me in trouble, it was the lack of them that did. For the first time in my life I was so paranoid about making a good impression that I wasn't myself. He introduced me to the head of QA, potentially my new boss. Too scared of saying something stupid I didn't say anything at all. It was too important to me not to screw it up. Not only do I feel like I embarrassed myself, but I also probably embarrassed my friend who was kind of sticking his neck out for me. He placed an opportunity in front of me and I just stood there. A better job, in a better place, that would be hard at first but totally worth it. It's bad enough I'm disappointed in myself, but worse to think he might be too. He signed up for one person and got somebody else. He was funny, cute, weird and a gentlemen, everything I already knew he was. I totally enjoyed his company, I felt like this was someone I could be friends with for a long time. He showed me things I had never seen before. Sometimes I felt kind of naive or ignorant in the simplicity of those experiences. I had never drank beer at a baseball game before, or even been to an MLB game (Coors at Coors Field, coolest thing ever). Never had I seen a horse drawn carriage or rode on a train. No one has made me laugh hard enough that I blew snot out of my nose (luckily not coffee!) in I don't know how long. Never have I had someone be so sweet to me and not expect anything in return. What did I do? I think blew it because I wasn't myself. Trying to stay positive here, I don't know for a fact that this is a lost opportunity. If it doesn't happen, I'll know it was for a reason and move on. This I'll get through and I'll put it behind me, but if I lost his friendship that will be a hard one to get by.
Anyway, I hope I did better than I feel I did. When I first got there, my first impression of the city was that it felt like home. I could see myself living there. All that was just a gut reaction, before my friend showed me anything really. The prospect of moving scares me to death, but in a good way. So cross your fingers... say a prayer...burn a green candle, whatever you do for people and do it for me, and ask that this works out.

Time In A Bottle

Something I was reading earlier made me want to finally put this out... I've been the rounds with this person and nothing helps. I've sat in my car and cried with her after I played "Live Like You Were Dying". Explaining to her this is the only life you have, the only one God has given you and the only chance you have and your pissing it all away. If you were to die tomorrow what would people remember about you? Is that the legacy you want? I held her hand while she dumped the bottle down the sink and held her while she cried and promised no more. Will I drive you to the store? No, but I will pick up whatever you need as long as it's not a bottle because I will not enable you. Taking the low road, crying again, I yelled at her "How many children does your mother have to bury? The only difference between your suicide and your brother's is a shotgun." She's done well so many times and I've been so proud of her, I tell her how good she looks when her eyes are clear and her face isn't swollen. I know when I see her when those stretches of time are over. When her bloodshot eyes can't meet mine. She lies. I told her all the things I thought would get through to her. Everything that should have been said has been said. The dead horse has been beaten. Sure, I still talk to her sometimes but I've walked away. She knows, because I told her, I can no longer watch her die. Do I have guilt? Not anymore. Not after what I've said to her, not after the things I've tried. I can, with a clear conscience, say I did everything in my power to reach her. You can't help someone who does not want to change or take your help

Falling Down

While watching something yesterday I heard a pretty accurate description of falling in love....

"Do you ever put your arms out and spin and spin really fast? That's what love is like, makes your heart race and turns your world upside down. If you're not careful, if you don't keep your eyes on something still, you can lose your balance. You can't see what's happening around you, you can't see you're about to fall."

May not be the most eloquent description, but it's still pretty close. It's not the falling that kills you, its the sudden stop. You never know how bad it will hurt until you land.

Persuasion and Snow

Somebody talked me into something. I agreed to it. If that somebody is reading this, I want you to know I have the worst case of butterflies ever. I haven't been on an airplane in 14 years. Pre- 9/11. The more I think about it though, the flying is not the part that is making me nervous. It's what happens after I get off the plane... How will we get along? How in love am I gonna fall with the city? It won't take much for me to want to move seeing how I hate living here so much. Hope he can handle being stuck with me for 3 days... and teaching me how to drive in the snow. It snows there, I just have to picture everything with three feet of snow on it...just keep telling myself that.

New "Country"

There is something I've known for awhile but only recently have gotten pissed about. Country radio. I was reading something earlier and I see I am not the only one who feels the same way. Listen to rock, metal, alternative what ever the hell they call it these days. If you tune to our local rock station you will hear anything from the Beatles to the newest release from Daughtry. Back to back. No special time set aside for those "classic rock" moments. They are what our current music was built on and built from. They are honored by having their hits as well as their newest releases played on the radio, usually daily. When Ozzy comes out with something new you definetly know about it right away. Then there is this embarassment of a genre of country music. How can you ignore everything that helped you get where you are? Other than Country Chuck on Sundays here you will never hear anything older than the mid 90's on country radio. I feel so sorry for the newer country listeners. They have no idea what the music they are listening to was based on. They have probably never heard George Jones, Waylon Jennings or Buck Owens. What was the Bakersfield Sound? Jimmy Dean was not originally famous for sausages. Most artists, aside from George Strait and Alan Jackson, who have that old country sound are completely ignored. There are artists that I thought had fallen off the map, like Tracy Byrd and Vince Gill. They're still around...they went country. Don't get me wrong there are some excellent contemporary artists out there. Brad Paisley, Toby Keith (he actually got Willie Nelson on the radio!), Josh Turner and some others are doing a fine job. I'm sorry Keith Urban and Rascal Flatts are not country. The O' Brother Where Art Thou? soundtrack sold over 6 million copies with no radio airplay. Peh. How could that have gone unnoticed? Right now I'm just frustrated to hear the same songs by the same handful of artists over and over again on the radio. While in the background living legends are completely ignored. The whole thing that started this is my local stations refusing to play the new Gary Allan single. Now that I know what's missing I wonder what else I've been missing? What other great songs are out there that I've missed because it was a square peg that didn't fall into the round hole country has become.

Watching Airplanes...

I saw him play this song during the show at Sunset Station back in May and absolutely loved it. I waited patiently for the single to be released. Now that it's available, I've yet to hear any of my local stations play it. To me it sounded like a number one hit. I found the damn thing myself and now I can hear it anytime I want to. So there. Oh yea, and if anyone else wants to hear it look to the right...no video, just the song.

Chocolates

I don't know whether to laugh or cry reading this.... it's funny but not, taken at the surface it's only funny. When you get the depth to it...weird.

"Life is like a box of chocolates: A cheap, thoughtless, perfunctory gift that nobody ever asks for, unreturnable, because all you get back is another box of chocolates. So you're stuck with this undefinable whipped mint crap that you mindlessly wolf down when there's nothing else left to eat. Sure, once in a while there's a peanut butter cup or English toffee, but they're gone too fast and the taste is fleeting. So you end up with nothing but broken bits filled with hardened jelly and teeth-shattering nuts. And if you're desperate enough to eat those, all you've got left is an empty box filled with useless brown paper wrappers. "

My addition... You will get wiser in your selections as you pick thru the box. You will still end up picking the crappy stuff on occasion. The real hard pieces will make your teeth stronger and appreciative of the softer ones. It's still chocolate. Even when it's bad, its still pretty good and better than no box at all.

credit to the widow

What a difference a year makes part II...

Many previous posts were fueled by a crazy part of my life. Roughly four years ago I was, what I know now, misdiagnosed as being bipolar. I had bouts of depression prior to that but who doesn't? I just never had the mood swings flip so freaking often. One minute I was full of energy and was the best thing on the planet and the next I was ready to die. So I went to the doctor, was given pills, and went on with my life. Not too much thought went into any previous medical history. The doctor assured me this was normal to suddenly develop this. After awhile the meds stopped working. After fighting thru several changes in medication and dealing with all the side effects (one was narcolepsy, what fun that was). I stopped taking the crap. I was fine. No more mood swings, panic attacks...nothing. Wait, isn't bipolar a life-long thing? Why did mine go away? I still had the racing thoughts occasionally and some difficulty concentrating, but was pretty much ok. My thought was eh, whatever. If it comes back I'll deal with it. For other reasons I had started losing weight and was pretty much enjoying my life. That was last summer.
The beginning of October a small dot appeared in the peripheral vision of my left eye. Over the course of a few days it spread completely across that eye. Imagine watching a tv with the brightness turned up, the contrast turned down and thru a piece of frosted glass. Most colors were washed out and light was blinding. A few guys at work were telling me "detached retina". I went to an opthamologist who told me it was an "ocular migraine". Hmm, new medical terms need to be googled. Well upon further research I found that's not what it was (they last about 30 minutes). It did explain another issue, I'll go into that later. So I went to another eye doc who was also baffled. At least he didn't bullshit me. Instead he referred me to a retina specialist and to my primary doc. The retina specialist was first. After yet another dilation of my eyes and this time injected dyes and pictures, they were also baffled. She then told me I may have had a mild stroke. Something called TIA and that I should see a neurologist right away. So I left that office thinking I may have a time bomb in my head.
The following day at work I fainted. Freaking out my co-worker who was aware of the problems I was having. That actually ended up to be pretty funny. Hehe, make fun of me about having an aneurysm. So next was my primary care doctor. She is just the coolest and I have the utmost faith in her. The blood test she ordered, my god, it took them 30 minutes just to drain enough blood to fill all the vials ordered. Brain MRI, carotid ultra sound and an echo cardiogram later the only thing she found was that I had a genetic condition that made it more likely for my blood to clot (Factor V Leiden and MTHFR). No tumors, MS or sign of a stroke. The MRI machine proved to me that I can be claustrophobic. What a horrible machine. So off to the neurologist I went. The first neurologist must have been the biggest asshole of a doctor I have ever encountered. That long ass form I had to fill out before I came in for the appointment, he never looked at it. He did not listen to me at all. He asked me questions, didn't wait for a response. Blew off every symptom to something he couldn't do anything about. The eye problem? Go back to your ophthalmologist we don't deal with eye problems here. I argued back that the optic nerve is part of the body he deals with. Even his assistant was looking at him like he was nuts. By the time I left I was so completely pissed off I couldn't speak. I waited 3 weeks for that appointment. What a waste of time. At that point I was done. No more doctor's. No more tests. I'll live with the eye problem. It had been 5 months and I kinda got used to it. Well, sometimes friends can be a real pain in the ass. Three of my friends diligently worked to convince me to go back to my primary care doctor and explain how I was treated by the doctor she referred me to. The "what if" that drove the point home was "and if you get the shit curtain on your other eye?" Fine. If only so they'd leave me alone.
The next guy was as a doctor should be. He actually read that lengthy questionnaire I filled out. He asked questions and listened to my answers, he made me feel that I was the only patient he had to see that day. More blood work and another MRI (evil fkn machine). One more trip to see him and I could shut everybody up. All he had to say was "I'm baffled, too." Then I would be done. Instead on February 20th he told me I had optic neuritis, an inflammation of the optic nerve, and judging from the other lesions on my brain it was caused by multiple sclerosis. Did I freak? Not really. I was relieved. Another MRI (grrrrr) and a spinal tap later he proved it was MS. In the meantime, he did cure my shit curtain eye with a 5 day round of IV steroids. If my luck prevails I won't ever have to take that crap again.
For doctors out there the moral of the story is... listen to your patients and take a complete medical history. It should not have taken 6 months and 6 doctors to diagnose this when I presented with two of the most common symptoms - extremity numbness and vision loss. Not to forget about the "bipolar" that went away. I'm not a doctor I don't know what dots to connect.