I'm feelin trapped, a little cornered. Like a dog on it's back. Some times I feel like screaming because I let myself get here. One line keeps running thru my head. "Show your belly like you want me to." I could walk away. I could run. Yet there's this little voice that keeps nagging me telling me to hold on. That he's actually worth it. It's so easy to listen to that voice and ignore the one that's telling me to get out now, before it's too late, before you're too far gone. What have I always lived by? "I could have missed the pain, but I'd of had to miss the dance." In other words I can't know happiness without the possibility of pain. No one ever mentioned to me that it would be hard to let someone in again. I feel like a dog that's been cornered and I'm trying really hard not to bite. That outstretched hand may not be a menace. Then again what's he holding behind his back...

Quotes Of The Week

"We judge ourselves by what we feel capable of doing, while others judge us by what we have already done." - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (credit to ac for that one)

I believe the internet is an information source, not a lifestyle choice.

Only dead fish go with the flow.

Education is the ability to listen to anything without losing your temper or self confidence.

There are times when I catch myself thinking and I wish I could stop. Just not think for awhile. Something gets into my brain and it's like a burr, a sliver, and I can't stop until it's been eradicated. Until I've picked it apart and seen it from every angle. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. No one should think like this. It's not healthy. This prevents me from enjoying simple things because I have to make them more than they are. I want to accept things at face value. No more turning over shiny pennies and looking for the tarnish, or for that matter, turning over cruddy pennies and looking for the shine. It's not pessimism here. I look for the good in the crap, and the crap in the good. Not everything can be multifaceted like I expect. Sometimes things just are and it's not for me to figure it out. What scares me is the quote I listed below... "Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know." Supposedly said by Ernest Hemingway. Anyone remember his cause of death?

Oh he's going to hurt me for this!!! He actually said "this better not end up on the internet..." He's goooooood thou, seriously good. Wanna hear? It's him singing at the Roadhouse. I'm going to try and get a better recording soon...

Friday Five

When was the last time you...

1. ...went to the doctor?
When the starter went out on my truck. I ruptured a disc in my back pushing my truck up and down the driveway for 45 minutes trying to get it to start. I was also beating on it with a wrench. So it went: Try to start it. Curse lots. Get out on my hands and knees in the gravel under the truck. Hit the starter. Back in the truck. Try to start it. Curse lots. Get out push it up and down the driveway. Try to start it. Curse lots. Repeat. I couldn't walk the next day.

2. ...went to the dentist?
October of 2002. I had an infection from jammed food in my gums. My gums swelled up enough to seperate my lower front teeth. The dentist likened it to removing a splinter. I'd rather give birth again. After 8 shots of novacain, lots of blood, some tears and about an hour he got it all out. He was nice enough to call me the next day, from home on a Saturday, to see how I was doin. Better than some guys I've dated.

3. ...filled your gas tank?
Ummm a month ago. Never fill it up unless I'm goin on a roadtrip. I'm pretty impatient and a $5 will usually do the trick.

4. ...got enough sleep?
Never, working graveyard makes that next to impossible.

5. ...backed up your computer?
This thing has a reverse??? ;) When the mood strikes. Not often enough. My pictures and my mp3's are permanetly located on an external USB drive. And yes I do tech support so I know the importance of backing up.

Just some random thoughts…hehehe….

I’m wondering what kind of grade I’m going to get on my son’s 5th grade science project…we used gummy bears.

Coke had the same effect that peroxide did…scary.

I’m proud of the hole my dog dug in the backyard, it’s impressive.

My boyfriend sang me Good Morning Beautiful on my voice mail once.

I once answered the “what are you thinking about” question honestly with my ex-boyfriend.

I was thinking about buying a paint by numbers. He laughed and said he loved me.

I did not return the favor.

I outran a cop once. In the same car my ex-husband drove off an overpass.

I should be cleaning, but I think I’m just going to go to sleep.

Ni-night.

New Addition
Quotes of the week:

Life gets interesting once you know you can bail yourself out instantly.

When life hands you lemons ask for tequila and salt.

"Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know" - Ernest Hemingway

To fall in love is to create a religion that has a fallible god.

She knows this all too well. Pulling deep inside herself. Isolation. Trying to hide. Turn off the burning, radiating from the inside out. A fire fueled with deception and lies. Every road leads here. Shunned or accepted. Acceptance is lies yet to be revealed. The path is the same only with different faces and names. Different lies to cover the same truth. You're not enough. Never will be. Nowhere do you belong.

Here I am. At work. Again. Bored. I knew that they would eventually move him to another post. That's what security companies do. I've been here six years I know this. What I didn't know is that I would miss him so fucking much. I don't even want to be here (not that I ever really did anyway). He made it bearable for the last couple of months. It's probably better that we don't work together. He's got a better position where they moved him to. It is a hospital so if he gets hurt, help is right there. Dammit, there are nurses thou. I'm trying to find a bright side to this and it's not working. I just want him here, with me, like always. I want to feel safe again. I don't feel like that with the toothless grandpa guarding the entrance now. Another side of it is maybe we can use the breathing room. I woke up this morning to 25 voice mails on my cell and 6 on my landline. The phones still ringing. He couldn't get a hold of me for two hours and was checking the hospital to see if I was there. How sweet, our first fight was on Valentine's Day. And here I sit, missing him so I guess it's all good.

Unconscious Mutterings
1 Identity:: thief
2 Reveal:: too much
3 Live:: loud
4 Attitude:: negative
5 Night:: dark
6 Nevada:: desert (my home btw)
7 Weekend:: sleep
8 Write:: blank (writer's block???)
9 Friend:: person
10 Seventeen:: magazine

Meghan did this really cool post about love. One of the best descriptions I've ever read.

On a side note... This is what a llama looks like about a second before it decides it does not want to be hugged...

Do men love the way that women do? Can you love that way more than once? I’m talking about that all consuming, heart pounding, knee weakening, insomnia causing kind of love. The kind of love that gradually turns into something deeper. Where you crave no one but her. Does that happen more than once in a lifetime? Or once burned do you always hold something back? I know that the whole magic to first love is that you really think that it will never end. Knowing that it can end, and the pain of real heart break, can a person ever love that way again? Comments Please!

This is a little screwy... How can it say that the probability of two disorders that seem the exact opposite of each other is high for me? That's crazy! Ummm or maybe I am??? ;) It would be like being pulled in two directions. I'm avoidant. I'm dependent. Ewww that would be confusing.

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Low
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	Moderate
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Moderate
Histrionic:	Moderate
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	High
Dependent:	Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Low
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

Unconscious Mutterings

1.Ignore:: blank
2.Death:: skeleton
3.Missy:: trouble
4.Ballet:: slippers
5.Guest:: card
6.Campus:: college
7.Lonely:: isolated
8.Company:: business
9.Helicopter:: blades
10.Sterile:: kids

Just a little word association...

He gave me a book. I was short with him and he gave me a book. I was determined to ignore him. It wasn’t working. Nobody makes me nervous and nobody fills my stomach with butterflies. Nothing good could possibly come of it. He was too cute, too perfect. When he smiled I felt sick to my stomach. Best to ignore him. Besides the way the security companies do things at work he’d be switched out in a month or so anyway. I didn’t find any solace in that. I talked to him online after he asked for my yahoo id. He wanted to know why I was so hard to get. Because he was perfect, that’s why. On our first date I found out I wasn’t the only one with butterflies, he actually thought he was getting sick. Did I really have that effect on somebody? I know how I was feeling. Nervous. Nauseated. Self conscious. The first time we kissed I felt light headed, dizzy most of the way home. We call it “twitterpated”…I was walking along minding my own business and bam! Twitterpated. He would have asked for my phone number, but I was short with him. Being shy, he asked me if I wanted the book instead and hoped I’d figure it out. So it started with a book (and many more since) and we ended up in love. So much for ignoring him…

...and that was how November ended this year.

Riding in the truck on Friday with my son and my ex-husband, a rare experience itself, my son starts telling us about this amazing guy he saw on Ripley's Believe It or Not. The details are a little hazy coming from 10 year old. What I got from it, and what he was most impressed by, was that the man had been shot in the head, lost part of his skull and not only lived but only suffered minor brain damage. Lucky guy, right. My son starts telling us how they repaired his head thru plastic surgery. Repaired it using plastic. Me and his dad both tried assuring him that they did not use plastic to replace part of the skull, titanium maybe, but plastic definitely not. He insisted they used plastic. Luckily at this point we were sitting at a traffic light. I turned to my son and again explained that I was sure plastic was not involved. Very flustered and very loudly my son shouts "MOMMMM! Duuuuh! Why do you think they call it PLASTIC surgery for???" and then rolls his eyes in a "I can't believe you could be so stupid" sort of way. Of course at this point me and his dad are in a pretty good fit of laughter and he's looking at us like he missed something. Little moments....:)

WooHooo! I made it thru November, and I'm pretty sure I'm unscathed. :D This month is starting out *excellent*... more on that later. ;)

I think that all the nasty shit that happened to me in August totally counted as November for this year. Maybe someday I might post on here what started the whole "November thing". Then again, maybe I won't. Might be too much. Anyway, I have no idea if anyone reads this or if anyone cares but I'm really going to try to post more on here. Hopefully it won't be just for my own amusement.

Guide When Calling Tech Support
I will not hold your hand. Please have your hearing aid on and your reading glasses available when you call. If you've had your pc for three years I hope you have a basic understanding of what it is, what it does and where things go. I will not giggle with you when you say you are computer stupid or "computer illiterate". Buy a book, educate yourself. That's not my job. Ford doesn't include any driving lessons when you buy a car. Know the difference between an area code and a zip code. Please be sober. The computer tower is not called a modem and I will not refer to it as such. Yes if you try to send 100 pics to your grandma/sister/uncle/cousin it will freeze your computer. Please speak English, not to be rude here, but if you can't understand me and I can't understand you things could get ugly. Please have your computer on. Know which version of Windows you are using, very simple it says it everytime you turn on your pc. Office 2000 Professional, Microsoft Word, ME/2000 and my favorite "Flying Windows" are not versions of Windows. Oh yea, and Windows 2000 only came in the professional version, saying it doesn't impress me it only makes me realize your level of knowledge. Do not brag to me about your job, or that you're a system admin/consultant/your office's pc god. You are still calling me for help so let me do my job, because I promise that you will feel stupid and I will feel underpaid when I tell you that you have the phone cord plugged into the wrong jack. Yes your husband is visting porn sites, that's where the pop ups come from. Please muzzle your dog or put him somewhere. If your child/baby wakes up or is crying that should be your priority, not your computer.

To be continued....

Umm yea... a little incident with the radio station this morning. Cool subject... what TV show should be re made? They were reading from some survey that had the top 10 answers. So I was thinkin about old shows that I liked, one's that would fit in with times today...blah, blah, blah. Well then they decided to make it a little more interesting. Guess the number one show and win Kiss\Aerosmith tickets. Ooooh, not exactly a priority show for me, but hey the price is right and I'm off tomorrow night anyway. So I call in thinkin Charlie's Angels because of the movies and everything, thinkin people would vote for that. So I actually get thru, accomplishment number one. I give the guy my answer and he gets excited and puts me on hold. I'm thinkin omg, no way. He comes back and tells me to make sure I tell the DJ's this...back on hold. For fifteen freakin minutes. I'm getting excited. Who am I gonna take? How good are the seats? Is my cell battery going to die before he comes back? I've accepted I've won, yay me! Next thing the DJ comes on and I'm live on the air and I give my answer and he starts playing the theme song for the show and my hearts pounding and then he says... "Ohhh I'm sorry not even in the top 10." Click. Peh. I started laughing. Hehehehe, assumption is a mother. The number one answer? A-Team, the name of my team when I was a supervisor...Irony. Love it.

i try to walk
with my head up
and ignore
the clouds above
as they grow darker
closer
and I fail to see
what's tripping me
I stumble
Catch myself
No other hand is outstretched
I walk alone
and I'm starting to think
Than I'm on E
How many more times
can I trip
before I finally fall
and don't have the fuel
to start again

- me

I heard you say it
I saw your smile
I felt your touch like a thousand times before
and I saw it
that look in your eyes
the one that was only for me
you said everything
and made it right
you took it all back
You left her standing
where she belongs
alone
Cuz sometimes ugly really is to the bone
We laughed
and oh my god your tears were so real
and your touch I can still feel
if only I were still sleeping
just another fkn dream

- me

My theory of how things go wrong is pretty simple, and proven. Bad things always come in three's, unless it's November then there is no limit. Some of the worst things that have ever happened to me have been in November. It's a dreaded month. Hey this is August thou, right? So the "three" rule is applicable. Well at this point I now have credit. Maybe it will negate November for this year. Last Friday I drive drove my son to Mesquite. That is the halfway point between Vegas and Cedar City, UT. My friend's husband was meeting me there so my son could spend a week in Utah. Made it there fine. On the way back my truck started acting *funny*, smelled *funny*. The smell was only there in 5th gear thou, so I left it in 4th, slowed down and started praying that I make it back to Vegas. I've towed a vehicle back from Mesquite, it sucks and it's expensive (for those of you unfamiliar with Nevada geography, there is nothing in the 90 miles between Vegas and Mesquite, except Glendale which is a gas station). My friend Tom, god love em, is reading the manual and advising me of the proper shift speeds. I let him know that I was sure those didn't apply anymore after losing a gear. I'm reasoning with myself that it's just the clutch, ummm maybe fluid, maybe my brother will know when I get home. I kept telling myself there's no way that it's the transmission. Until I got off the freeway at home. It wouldn't go into 4th, I fought with it and it went in. Over the next three days it randomly chose what gears it would allow me to drive in. All my friends were suddenly mechanics and I got a variety of answers from them. My brother and my husband insisted it was the fluids. Fine. I took it to the auto center down the street and explained to the guy there about the noise, the smell and how it would work fine one minute and refuse the next. He looked at me like a dog listens to a high pitched noise, said he would drive it and they would see what was wrong. Two hours later he's telling me it's the tranny and the clutch, gave me the estimate and advised me to get a 2nd opinion. I was stunned. Not both. Daaaaayuuuummmm....
The search for 2nd opinion. This had to start at my mom's because in Sprint's infinite wisdom they cut my phone off because I had exceeded my daytime minutes (what about all the night and weekend minutes I have left?). That argument is ongoing and might be another post there. Several opinions later... my truck might last me thru the day or it could last 6 months. It might cost anywhere from $500-$2000 to fix. I went home, I needed sleep. Sitting at the light around the corner from my house this very nice lady in a mini van rear ended me. I'm fine, my truck is not even scratched, her front end is messed up from where she hit my towing hitch. I'm going home, need sleep. There's a note on my front door from my brother saying to call him as the air conditioner is not working right...it's blowing smoke out of it. At this point as long as the smoke is cold I'm willing to deal with it. Fine, I'll call him. From a @*%$! payphone! LOL this is where the hysterical laughter began and lasted for about 10 minutes. I have to be to work in 6 hours, I have not slept yet and will not be able to sleep when it's 110 degrees with no a/c. I'm calling in sick. I went to the payphone called my brother and the landlord (to leave him my brother's number). Went home and my phone works. I called in sick. Then this very nice, sweet, cute guy I've been seeing calls and since I called in sick I should come over. Agreed. I wonder if he still would have invited me if he would have known he'd be pushing my truck? I have road side assistance thru my sprint phone, they pay for 3 miles worth of towing. For some reason my 15 mile tow was free...lol I guess that'll be my revenge on Sprint. Stay tuned...I haven't gotten it to a shop yet, I bet that will be interesting, too.

I taste like Bread. I am a staple in almost everyone's diet. Friends like me are a complement to any other friends I get on with almost everyone, remaining mostly in the background, but providing substance when it would otherwise be lacking. What Flavour Are You?

Ok, maybe I don't post here as much as I should and I definetly don't post as much as I want to. I think part of the reason on that is the realization that maybe blogging is a double edged sword. Some things are ike "Cool, the world should know." Yet it seems like the things that are really on my mind, be it bad or good, are often times the things I'm leary about posting on here. I'd hate to have the wrong person read it. Also writing for me can be tricky because unless it's something I'm passionate about it usually comes out sounding lame.

I keep telling myself "I Love my job, I love my job, I love my job...but dammit I HATE Microsoft." I walked into work tonight and there was about 50 calls in que waiting at 45 minutes. Just so you know, that is a shitload of calls. My first response...WTF???
Turns out it's a new worm/virus that takes advantage of security flaw in Windows XP. *Gasp*! Who'd a thunk it? Windows is flawed? Of course everyone calls there internet tech support because while your online you get a dialog box saying your pc will shut down in 59 seconds, but it only happens while your online. Anyway I guess it's kind of funny in a way. The only way to fix this problem for most computer users is to download the patch from Microsoft. Yet when you sign on to the internet that's when it shuts down your pc. Irony...gotta love it. I guess after all the stress of explaining to people that it really isn't our service and then explaining how to fix it (or for the exceptionally stupid or rude, referring them to the vendor) I was do for a mad case of the giggles at some point. Unfortunately for me it was during a call and at the customer's expense. This very pc challenged, but nice lady in Florida was really beginning to get on my last nerve when it dawned on me that she sounded exactly like Mrs. Roper (from Three's company). Thank god for the mute button cuz I was done. I expected her to say "Stanley? Stanley?" at any moment. When she spoke I could just picture her in one of those moo moo's...and was off again. Anyway by the end of the night I felt like a recording. I love my job...I love my job...I love my job...RIGHT.

to know how it is
to die from the inside out
to feel
best times in life
passed you by
when your head was down
getting ahead
see your dreams
in some one elses hands
and hope lies dead
when memories and time
are all u have left
and everything
stands
just out of your reach
when alone
is what you have
maybe then you can feel
everything about me

- me

The more I think of this the more I realize it's me....and maybe it's always been. Hard time making friends, feeling trapped in my own skin. I always think "They're really not going to wanna talk to me." Locked up when I'm around new people, especially in large groups (2 or more). Clamshell time. Today I went to my dad's house for Easter dinner. Everything was cool until my step brother's and there girlfriend's arrived. I might as well have been introduced to there girlfriends as the clamshell on the couch, cuz that's what I was doing. Ya know the old saying "it's better to remain silent and thought a fool than to speak up and remove all doubt." I felt just.... I dunno....like I crawled deep inside myself when they showed up. I prolly didn't speak for like an hour and half. Plenty of time to think. That's when it occurred to me, as they tried a few times to include me in the convo, that it really was me. Locked up tight in my shell...on guard, thinking over witty responses. Then thinking better of them and just sitting there. A few things finally did come out and I didn't flop. The uncomfortableness never really went away. I mean wtf?

When I walked into work last night the reality of what was going on in the world really hit me. It wasn’t the soaring gas prices or grocery stores running out of water and duck tape. It was the TV’s in the break room. We don’t have TV’s in the break room. The only other time they have ever been there was on 9/11. It gave me goosebumps. I’m scared. I’m scared for the men and women who are over there and for there families. I’m scared of potential retaliation on US soil. I’m scared of the unknown. I want to go about life as always. My son asked me if we should stock up on water and things, just in case. I need to look out for him no matter what. I will get the water, if it will set his mind at ease. At the same time I don’t want to do anything different, although somehow I feel different inside. I will not let some stone age rag heads a half a world away change me anymore than they already have (and those changes were for the better). I am an American, I stand behind our President and we will not back down.

Liberty or death, what we so proudly hail
once you provoke her, rattling of her tail
never begins it, never, but once engaged...
never surrenders, showing the fangs of rage
don't tread on me

To secure peace is to prepare for war

…we’ll put a boot in yer ass it’s the American way

I guess maybe a little lesson for everyone this week. Never give up hope. Hope and prayer and refusing to give up brought Elizabeth Smart home again. I followed closely this story of her abduction. Utah is like a second home to me. My son, my husband and his family are Mormon. It hit hard to me that someone like her was taken. Usually it’s a child from middle or lower class families and within a few weeks the body is found. In the back of my mind as the time slipped away I always expected that. One day I would be reading the news or watching TV and her body would be found in the wilderness of Utah. I felt so horrible for her family. How foolish they must be to continue to hold out after all this time. Nobody comes back after that amount of time. Not alive. Yet here she is, a living, breathing symbol of what hope, faith and determination can bring. Everytime I think of her I get a lump in my throat. I know her ordeal is not over, but belonging to a family like that I know she can get thru anything. My only bad thought on this are those parents who don’t know now and may never know what happened to there children. Who must be watching all this and rejoicing for the Smart family…yet secretly dying inside for there own loss. Not knowing if there question will be answered. Alive or dead? I’m sure at some point either answer is better just to stop the waiting and the unknown.

I found something I wasn’t looking for. “Don’t Forget The Oatmeal”, a book my husband and I read to our son sooo much that the binding has been taped and re taped. We actually hid it from him at one point. That’s not what I was looking for. Packing tape. Just needed packing tape. I ended up in the room I never go in. The room full of the things we never unpacked, stacks of boxes. My old life is in there. Neatly packed away. Everything I was. Everything we were together. Maybe it would be easier now if we had of unpacked. I think if we would have unpacked we would have been ok. Made this place a home. We were too broken then. I’d rather die now than open one box. Some how I don’t feel like those things belong to me anymore. Some happy family’s stuff ended up in that room and I don’t know how. That’s where it will stay. I found the box that I know has his wedding ring in it. I didn’t look. I found the packing tape. Then the book. That’s how I ended up standing in a room full of boxes crying, holding packing tape and a Sesame Street book. If I hadn’t of remembered the packing tape, today would have been ok. Then I had to laugh. What better way to send back a box to Dell.... the packing tape has Compaq written all over it. LOL.... I love Dell thou.

How can he still look at me like that? How do we still know what the other is thinking? He shouldn’t be allowed to look at me like that, cuz I always knew before what it meant. I know what that smile says. Yet I also see him as he is, when I first see him. He won’t smile, he doesn’t laugh. Not at first. That’s when he’s still in his current life. After awhile he regains his old self. The one I knew. Then it’s time to go. Then I see it or he says it. The regret. I see him shredding himself from the inside out and no forgiveness from me will stop it. I usually cry, he does sometimes. Burying my needle on tha freeway gets me nowhere fast. My truck will never take me where it is I wanna go. Instead is taking me away. Not far enough. You can’t run from what’s inside. It will never be what I want it to. Maybe I’ll blow a tire and this will all be over. Then I won’t have to remember that smile and then later that look that says it all. The honest truth is I’ve got my own blender going on tha inside. Knowing that he is it. There will not be anyone else. I watch him walk away again.

After reading something earlier it reminded me of an incident that happened several years ago. I can't say it crosses my mind a lot but maybe it should. I do think of it each Christmas and wonder. Wonder where my friends have gone.

It was the beginning of December of 1998. My fiancée and I had tied the knot finally after 5 years, we were 6 months into our marriage. His father's family had invited us to there yearly Christmas party in Utah, outside Salt Lake. We had already left our house and was heading for the freeway when, as usual we realized something had been forgotten, an turned around. When we were heading back out my husband's ex friend showed up at the door, we both told him to leave and did not mention our trip to him. Utah was awesome, they received 15 inches of snow the night before. It was picture perfect, all of it.

That was the end of the perfection for several days. We walked into a house with dirty dishes everywhere, most of our food gone, cigarette butts everywhere (we did not smoke in the house). I will not describe the disgust left in the bathroom or the garage. He had slept in our bed, and worn my husbands clothes. Apparently a mutual friend of my husband's had let slip that we were going to be out of town for four days. His former friend, who had greeted us at the door when we were leaving, had broke into the house and stayed there while we were gone. It wasn't until I hit the ATM machine that I realized the full extent of the damage. He had taken my ATM card the night before and withdrew the daily limit. All of the money we had for Christmas and the bills, food etc. I lost it at that point. Not only had this prick violated my sense of security by breaking into my home, he had taken food and Christmas from my family. Over the next several days we put all the pieces together of what had happened, had all of our ATM cards destroyed and reissued with new PIN numbers, and borrowed what we could to meet our monthly obligations. Christmas was going to be bleak. We couldn't even afford a tree. Luckily we only had a little left to pay on the couple items we had in layaway for our son, so there were at least a few things that he would get. But no tree? No food? I had been looking forward to baking things with my son (not to mention just having money for dinner). Decorating a tree. Vacuuming pine needles for days. To me it's not Christmas until your house smells like pine and you have tinsel stuck to your clothes. I wouldn't be able to buy a thing for my husband, or he anything for me. We would get thru it somehow. It was only one Christmas. Yet I kept thinking it was the only Christmas our son would have when he was 5. He would be old enough to remember this as an adult. I wanted so much to instill the wonder of the season in him because I firmly believe it's something you learn as a child. Little did I know how much he would learn.

Several days later a mutual friend and my husbands co worker showed up at the door with bags and bags of groceries. She had heard about what happened, what he had done. God was I grateful for the food. Then this funny thing called pride popped up and I tried telling her that we would be fine. She knew better and ignored me (Thank you Barb, wherever you are). Later on the same day a friend of mine asked me to help him shop for groceries. He was very excited that he would have his children home for Christmas but was stumped on what to buy and how to make the money stretch for there stay. After going shopping with him we stopped by a Christmas tree lot. My son got very excited and asked if we were going to finally get a tree. I hushed him. My friend told me to wait in the car, but my son got out and ran after him. I saw him talking to one of the workers. I didn't want this to happen I KNEW what he was doing and up popped that pride again. The man was talking to my son and pointing at a small tree. He started jumping up and down. My friend walked back to the car with the tree and my son absolutely glowing. I asked what he thought he was doing. "Helping a friend, a friend who has helped me out too." I looked at him, I couldn't argue the point. He was right. Besides how could I say no? This wasn't about me, I kept reminding myself. Thank you, Anthony, I miss you.

Now things were looking better. A little more like Christmas. We had a decorated tree, a few presents under it and some damn good friends. Christmas morning I heard the doorbell ringing. 7am, good god who could that be. There was nobody out there. I opened the door to look out but couldn't push the screen open. There was a huge box on the front porch. Puzzled, I hollered for my husband. He brought the box into the living room. Written in red marker on the top was "Merry Christmas from Santa Claus". It was huge microwave box full of boys toys, really nice things. I couldn't think of a single person I knew who would be awake at 7am let alone have the money for this. I got on the phone and woke them all up trying to find out who did this. I wouldn't deny my son the gifts but whoever it was deserved a thank you at least. Hanging the phone up. I turned to say something to my husband and very irritated he said "Nat, let it go. It's from Santa, it doesn't matter ok?" Our son was standing there looking at us both. He said "So there really is a Santa, or was it God? He knew we needed help." That was the best Christmas I remember, ever. And thank you God for sending those angels into our lives. I no longer wonder who it was, just happy that it was. Whoever you are, thank you.

Wow has it really been almost a month? This time has gone by so fast for some reason. Jesus and I turned (cough) 26. Did that really need to happen? I mean what's left now. I've already hit all the important age milestones:
16: Driving
18: voting, cigarettes and woohoo I'm an adult
21: BEER and LEGAL gambling (I'm in Vegas right)
25: Car insurance discount (lame I know)
So can the birthdays just stop now. I feel like I'm getting closer to 30. I feel it knocking on my door and I don't want to let it in. I'm getting closer to ages I thought were old when I was younger. I can honestly say it's been 10 years since I set foot inside my high school. The funny thing is I'm worse off now than when I was 18. Damn by 26 I should have all this shit together right? Hahaha, at 25 I did. Now I'm starting over and if the rumours I hear about bankruptcy are true I should be able to start my life again in oh say... 10 years. I'm living my life backwards. I really just hope I'm not saying all this when I'm 36. Did I really just use that in a sentence....just shoot me now.
Though I guess the bright side would be I still get carded all the time and it's still for cigarettes ;o)

Ex shows up to pick up our son as I was walking out the door to do the thing that I have found is easiest on all of us. Drop him off with the grandparents. My ex then retrieves him from there...grandparents get to see everyone, I don't have to, everything is good. Usually to see him for the 5 minutes it takes my son to gather his stuff to go leaves me with a feeling of wanting to blow my brains out. He reaches for me...I pull away...he says "What now you can't fucking touch me anymore?"

"I don't know can I? Didn't I lose that right when you walked out?"

"Nevermind."

And Whammo! he shuts down to anything I have to say after that and switches into Let's go! Let's go! mode. Which is frustrating as hell.
The funny thing is we still hang out. On the days we hang out everything is fine. We talk and get along great, just like when we were together. To the point of it's uncomfortable... kinda like "What the hell are we doing?" It feels like nothing is different. Everyone says it's not supposed to be that way. You get along for the kids, you distance yourself etc etc. When does that happen? When do you start blowing off yer best friend because you're supposed to? Am I supposed to hate him? Isn't he supposed to hate me? This is just soooooo confusing....

When the thoughts consume me
I go walk in there world
Silent as the stone beneath where they lay
There words have died
There stories have ended
But upon the walls and tombs
Are memories
Brought to them
By the bereaven
Who remember birth and death
Love and hate
Forgotten
About every worry
All they know is that they may never have said
They knew the difference
Young and old
Side by side
Some too soon
Others maybe not soon enough
There walls empty
Faded flowers
Which would I be
Trespasses forgotten
Or forgotten?
If now I’m gone
My chapter closed
Are all the words written where I want?
When time passes by
What will there be
Ashes
But will there be anyone
Who remembers me

- me

So I haven't posted anything in a minute.... busy busy busy. Running in circles, getting lost, getting found, getting lost again.... I do have one major bitch about the time change. People who sleep at night, all normal, get an hour of extra sleep right? Those of us working graveyard get an extra hour of work. Yay!
My 2nd major bitch for this week will be lodged against my son's school read the letter here....it's titled "school board". It's way too long to post here.

I'm sure anyone who actually looks at this has noticed the color changes, please bear with me on this!

What the hell is a loser? After repeatedly having this discussion with a friend of mine, I'm trying to figure out what exactly a loser is. I always kind of thought I was one, somebody where things just never went quite right for, but stayed at a level decent enough to keep you from blowing your brains out. You can't ALWAYS lose. You win a few, lose many more. To me that was a loser. To me my friend is not a loser. He is a victim of circumstance. He has way too many positive qualities, things that people are just born with, to be a loser. His definitions of a loser has to do with material things (house, vehicle, job etc), or lack of. By his definition I am not a loser. If you have all those things and are not happy and are dead inside, existing day to day, no talents, no friends and nothing to look forward to would you still be a winner? I wouldn't think so. Being a loser is a frame of mind. Some people can't help it, they're just that way. But if you're happy does it really matter? I think that's the step a lot of people
miss, including myself. If you're not happy with yourself, you need to change it. You can't be anything or do anything if you're not happy with who you are. You can't be for anyone else either, if you're not comfortable with who you are how can you expect anyone else to be? It's like trying to start out on the third rung on the ladder, it's a bitch and you're eventually gonna wind up on yer ass. You have to be for yourself first. Starting from scratch sux and everyone has to at one time or another. It doesn't make you a loser just because you've lost material things. I think the only way yer a loser is when you lose yourself or compromise your values.

I had an amazing weekend. I love to drive. So when my friend in Long Beach said come get me - I did. Vegas to I think it was Lakewood or something like that in less that 4 hours. I burned a couple cds, which in hindsight I prolly should have burned more than a couple. They were fine for me on tha way there, but country mixed with metal on tha way back prolly didn't agree with him. So music, red bull, very little sleep and curiosity got me there. Curiosity? Cali. I hadn't been there in over 10 years and I've never driven there. I wanted to see the ocean. Get out of Vegas for a minute. I wanted to help my friend. I wanted to see his world. I wanted to see him. I know he was happy to see me and glad I got him back here. It was good catching up. Looking back on it thou, that does seem kind of weird for a girl to drive that far to pick somebody up. A guy. I must have alterior motives aye? If I do, I dunno what it is. Maybe to see the ocean.... and I love to drive. Sleep in a motel room. Be out of my world for awhile. Not think about it if I don't want to. My world currently sux. Then again my world with my friend added back to it seems a little more complete. Friends do that.

The little about me part may be difficult to sum up. I have chosen to start this blog near the end of the worst year of my life. I'm still trying to figure out who "me" is. I thought I knew who I was. I mean I can quote you facts...my fav colors are purple and green (yum), I love Nascar (Go Tony!) and I'm totally stuck on Alice in Chains right now. I was happy and totally comfortable in my day to day life. Work, husband, son, two dogs, a cat, two cars, a house, the whole suburban thing. I was totally living my dream. In less than a year all I have left is my two dogs and my son. And my job, sort of. In a way I guess I'm standing in the rubble, just trying to sort it out. I no longer have a clue as to what I want out of life. I had it all figured out at one time. Now I have no idea cuz those dreams were not mine alone. I'm starting to forget what those goals were. I'll tell you what it's a bitch to wake up every morning and not know why. I'd never lived like that before. Before I lived day to day always looking at the future. Now, it's like I'd rather hide my head than see what is up ahead. So it was just day to day...whatever to get me by. I'm learning a lot thou, about what I'm about. ME not the Me\Him anymore.... A good friend told me the bottom line is you have to live with yourself, you have to be happy with you. That's where I'm headed and that's the piece of advice I keep coming back to.

Ok, so I did it. Now I have one. A blog of my very own.... Now what? Where from here? Maybe a little about me... I know that this will be much easier once I get this keyboard replaced, this one has gotten a little selective about the letters that work.