Cleaning

There's a reason I think we keep stuff in storage. Sorting through that mess tonight I found things. Found memories. Crash landed in the middle of my past. Who would have thought 7 years later I would still be sorting through our stuff. Packed another box to take to him. Then there are things...what to do. Cards. Letters. Pictures. Yeah that box. A whole box of pictures. Some went back to when I was a kid. As I looked through some of them it dawned on me. I've hated myself since I was a kid. Well, hate may be a strong word. Three pictures of me opening my brand new roller skates when I was 8. Cute kid. I remember those pictures. Should say I remember I HATED those pictures. A handful of pictures of me when I was 15. Wow, I was actually pretty. Back then? I hated those pictures. Pictures my friends take now? Hate them all. Some of those pictures cracked me up though. The irony of me giving a piggy back ride to my 9 month old. In that one, I'm wearing the same Metallica shirt he wears now (not a reprint, but the SAME one). How young we all looked then. My puppy, he's really been gone 12 years now. Grandma and Grandpa and the peppermint pillow. Some of the first pictures of my ex husband. My 17th birthday when you were waiting outside for me, too nervous to ring the bell. In that picture I was positively glowing because I knew you were there. The boy hanging upside by his thighs because no baby gate could hold him back. Still won't forgive my mother for those pool pictures. Not enough time on that one. If we could learn to appreciate the present the same way we do the past...maybe that's when we can let happiness in.

Strong Enough To Bend

My volunteer maple tree that started growing in my yard about a year ago showed me something last night. During this time of year we have A LOT of wind. Blows damn near every day. Looking at the tree awhile back, after the leaves came in, I noticed the few forks of branches are always intertwined with each other. So I separated them. Mind you this is a lanky tree, easily 12-15 feet tall, no trunk to speak of just these spindly branches. Maybe, to protect from the wind, I need to tie it to something? A tall pole maybe? Watching it last night I saw how it bends, flowing with the wind. Not bending as much, not giving as much so it didn’t break. The branches were intertwined again and moved as one. With the support afforded from the group the tree could bend with the wind without breaking. Apart, I’m sure the branches wouldn’t have survived. Sometimes I get in a state of mind so bad that I want to withdraw and separate myself from everything and everyone. Nothing and no one holds my interest. In a way I’ve been drifting from some of my friends. One remains constant and I don’t think he’ll ever let me get very far away. Hell I doubt he even knows that he makes me feel better. Watching the tree last night I realized Mother Nature’s design is not for us to weather storms alone. Find something to wrap up with and bend…

"I come around all broken down and
Crowded out
And you're comfort
Sometimes the place I go
Is so deep and dark and desperate
I don't know, I don't know..."

-R.F.