Office Space: Can you hear me now?

Just something quick here, an update I guess even thought I really don't do those. My hatred for my job will hopefully end within the next 4 days. Four days left of working my damn brain into a frazzle for nothing. In case no one has figured it out... I work for a large cell phone company right now (under an outsourcer). QA, Quality Assurance. You know when you call a company and it says "This call maybe monitored or recorded for Quality Assurance purposes"? Yeah, that's me. I LOVE the QA job, love teaching people how to do customer service. Love to give feedback and help them improve. Working for this new business doesn't let me do that. My job requirement is to sit at my desk all day and pump out an impossible number of evaluations that the agent never sees. Pointless. Ineffective. The number they are requiring is preventing me from doing them accurately. For the first time in the almost 11 years I've worked there I know I'm not doing a good job. They can have quality or quantity, not both. Hate this feeling of being totally useless. So when the previous client I worked for came back I was all over it. Loved the company. Even though I won't get to be a QA for them anymore. Just taking calls. FROM HOME. Starting next week. And it's not even my birthday...

To be continued...

Involuntary

I didn’t want to know.

I didn’t want your secret.

It weighs too much for me to carry.

It has totally changed how I see you both.

You should have known better, and yet you still won.

You have no idea that I know and why I can’t look at you anymore.

Sometimes it keeps me up at night, yet you seem fine. How do you live with yourself?

Live Like You Were Dying

There is a moment I think most have in there lives at sometime, towards the end, maybe during a horrific event, an odd diagnosis from a doctor. Fear isn't exactly the word for it. It's turning and facing your own mortality. Seeing that things may go on without you. Reflection on what you didn't do, that's where my mind went. Everything I haven't done. My moment came almost two years ago now. Walking in a daze from the retina specialist office after 3 hours of testing. Next they needed to send me to UCLA in California for a test they couldn't perform in this state. Just heard words like "stroke, blood clot, aneurysm, tumor". Pulling into the McDonald's on Green Valley this song came on the radio, alone, I cried not knowing if there was a time bomb in my head. Looking back now, I clung to that song. Identifying more with it than I ever had before. I lived it.

Remembering the first time I heard it really listened to it, almost brought me to my knees in the kitchen. Cooking dinner, I had the radio on instead of a CD. It couldn't have been more than a week or so after my step mom died of cancer. Her third time around they had only given her a few weeks. She held on 5 months to see her grand baby. Born on Sunday, she let go on Friday morning.

Gave forgiveness I'd been denying, I let my sister in again. Texting her to find out if they were one of the people stuck in the evacuation attempt out of Houston. The anticipated arrival of Hurricane Rita had the freeways gridlocked.

"Don't tell mom, we'll be fine and we're not leaving."
"Mom maybe be pretty unobservant sometimes but I think she may notice a big fkn hurricane heading for your city."

Our first conversation in 3 years. Eventually I let her know that she could blame the song for it.

Mac vs PC

Somebody gave me a Mac, well two of them actually. One is a pretty good paperweight (blueberry IMac) and the other I been thinking isn't so bad (Indigo IMac, 500mhz, 256MB Ram, CDRW) just really need it for internet and writing. Needs to be reloaded. I'm sure that must be the problem because surely no one would have ever used something intentionally for any length of time that acts like this does. It's not too slow but just unresponsive, and SELECTIVE about it's unresponsiveness. Backspace takes an enternity, can't login in to myspace, can't log in to blogger, but I can log in to gmail (where this post is about to come from). You tube videos skip and stutter even when fully buffered. Sometimes I think it's giving me the bird, it zipped thru the Flash update until the last 4 files. Wasn't done when I got up for work, but it was done when I got home. If this was all I had to use I would be inventing new swear words. Welcome to the world of Mac, the PC's retarded cousin.

However it has given me the silence I was looking for earlier... and an error when sending from Gmail in Safari (used IE and Dragon's Blood).

Am I awake and dreaming or dead and remembering...

Umm I sat on the below post for a week. Unsure if it even made sense. A week ago I couldn't trust my thoughts. A week ago I didn't have the attention span to proof read this.

How did I type that previous post below and not notice? It took me another, what four days, to get it. "Years ago I quit once using it and it worked well." It worked well. It didn't make me manic, paranoid, delusional, unfocused, hyper sensitive, irritable and angry. It didn't make me have the attention span of a lightening bolt. It didn't make me crazy, it didn't make me keep my ex husband on the phone for 2 hours Friday night (intermittently hanging up on him, or putting him on eternal hold), it didn't make me text my best friend in Utah crazy stuff at 11pm, it didn't make me snap and go off on another friend for no reason (that all in one night). Yeah do not EVER add alcohol to Wellbutrin. All those things are not things I do. My friend I snapped on? He says, "Don't apologize, it wasn't you who did that". Don't even remember any of it. Had to hear replays the next day. The consensus of my friends? Please stop taking the pills and start smoking again, the pills are making you crazy. Well I did stop with the pills, but I didn't start smoking again. Thank God I don't remember the worst of Friday night...

So anyway, my point being I now have solid concrete proof that MS is what caused the bipolar and ADD. Because I took this medication before and it didn't do this to me. When they gave me that diagnoses, I just wanted it fixed. Give me meds so I can function. Then I researched it and it didn't add up. Never had any of the symptoms of ADD or bipolar (manic part) until I was 26-27, and it literally started over night. Took meds for roughly two years or so before they stopped working, or worked in weird ways that the doctors couldn't figure out (Lamictal gave me narcolepsy, Lithium made me homicidal). So I stopped taking all of it and was fine (the ADD was still there but not as bad). Happy to feel well, I tried not to think about it too much. It scared me too. How could it just go away? Will it come back? The answer? My brain repaired itself. Maybe not completely. My understanding of how MS works is similar to repairing damaged wires with electrical tape, blind folded. Like the body is more concerned with covering the exposed wires rather than making sure the signal/current is going thru unaltered. So if I happened to get a half assed repair on whatever was damaged, then couldn't it cause intermittent problems? Dropped data? May be a geek but I'm not a doctor.

Anyway, I came back...A little shook up and freaked out. Lesson learned, next..

I'm a quitter...

About a week and a half ago I found an old prescription for Wellbutrin, an anti-depressant that is also used as a stop smoking aid. Years ago I quit once using it and it worked well. Cool I’m going to try it again since the gum didn’t work. About the time I increased the dosage I noticed that I wasn’t sleeping well, couldn’t fall asleep or couldn’t stay asleep. Eh, whatever I’ve had insomnia before. Suddenly I realized my moods had changed from not wanting to get out of bed to waking before my alarm clock and feeling ok. Yet I had fleeting moments of depression and was quick to get angry or over react, no ability to focus – I’m like a ferret on crack. Maybe it’s the pills? Depression, fine I’ll admit it. It started again a couple months ago. Umm yeah they told me I was bipolar a few years ago but I’ve been medication free for two years without a problem. MS can cause bipolar, and fix it, and cause it again and…I’m manic. You don’t give antidepressants alone to a person with bipolar disorder, must be accompanied by a mood stabilizer (and I knew that but I'm not bipolar so it shouldn't matter). Otherwise you get exactly what I am right now. In every other aspect the pills are working great. Not smoked today, maybe smoked four or 5 times over the weekend and it doesn't even bother me. Yay for me, I'm a quitter! Then I'll quit taking the pills and we shall return to our regularly scheduled programming... It's worth it to be crazy for a week or so.

Time Travel

K update on the A/C thing... it was a blown fuse. Bah, took the guy like 5 minutes to fix. My mother kept saying something about a capacitor (I knew what she meant, but I also know the difference between a capacitor and a fuse). Couldn't help myself. "It wasn't the flux capacitor was it?" I giggled and she looked confused. Nice. She mentions the same thing to my brother, who asks her the same question. We both look at each other and laugh "Great Scott! 1.21 gigawatts!" and walk away (yes I am a geek, i said it). At least 6 hours later she asks me "what's a flux capacitor and why were you two laughing about it?" Being me I can't just say what it is. Have to be a smart ass and make her guess (gee I wonder where the boy gets that from). Mentioned the flux capacitor again, DeLorean, good ol' 1955 (that really threw her), 1.21 gigawatts generated by the bolt of lightening and the flux capacitor that makes time travel possible. Bing, I swear I actually saw the light bulb flicker and come on over her head...hehe...

Why July?

Why can't the air conditioner ever fail in May? Early June? September? Why does it have to be July? During the monsoon season? It may dip down to 84 degrees tonight with 48% humidity (being a desert dweller, humidity...well it sucks). At least the rain earlier cooled things off for a few minutes. Now the air is still, balmy and hot. The box fan I put in my window doesn't help if it's not cooling off at night, also the air can't penetrate the solar screens which I noticed are screwed into the stucco next to my second floor window. My dogs are looking at me and panting, I feel bad for them but I know they'll be fine (have to remember ice cubes for the fish tank). It's 2am and I know sleep isn't coming. Maybe if I would have known I would have just stayed at my friend's house instead of coming home. On the bright side, according to the weather forecast it's supposed to rain off and on tomorrow and it's only going to get up to 95 degrees. Possible downside, I've never had an A/C unit just not turn on (yes I checked the breaker). Is that bad? Seen units blow hot air, freeze up and one even blew smoke. Curious to know what component died, and how hard and expensive it is to fix. Hmmm, I think I'll try sleeping pills and see if I can put an end to one of the worst days I've had in a long time. Everything from earlier was my own doing, the A/C unit was merely the grand finale...

The Scarlet Ibis

Such a fine line between love and hate. A strong emotion for one person in either direction, the true opposite is indifference. You can feel both for a person at the same time. Those we befriend and let into our weird little worlds and those we travel thru life with as family, are often the one's we can treat the worst. They drive us crazy and yet they are usually the ones that will stand by us when it matters and the ones we would lay down in traffic for. Usually but not always. We don't think they'll ever go, but they can. My intentions are not to treat anyone badly, but I do. I catch myself. What is it that makes us think we can treat the ones we care for the most like that? Maybe they'll come after us if we block them out, maybe if we push them they'll be more like what we want. We can tell them what we really think, and from that I think is what springs the love/hate. That well runs deep and depending on the day, is what content fills the bucket we draw.

The Earth, Plus Plastic

A week has passed and I didn't say anything on here. That first time I saw one of his routines when I was 13, actually saw the whole thing, I about died laughing and was hooked. One of our local radio stations used to play parts of his Airline Safety Lecture routine was what got me wanting to hear more (Fuck You I'm getting in the plane! Seems to be less wind in here!). What got me about him was how he could take life's little moments that we all have and make them hysterical. Not only in words (what a way with words) but in the funny faces and actions. He pointed things out long before some of our newer comedians (have you went to shake some one's hand and realized it's not a complete hand?). I didn't always agree with him but he made me want to listen. Always thinking, always putting interesting twists on things and humorous yet functional solutions to the world's problems. It's all in the exaggeration right? Fortunately I was able to see him this past February, the first and last time. It's going to be hard not getting to hear his take on the way the world is headed, thank you for sharing your ideas, comedy and language...

Hopeline

One of my favorite sites to visit is Post Secret. It's sort of like being able to read someone's innermost thoughts and secrets, I've both laughed and cried there. Stepped back and felt not quite so alone, not quite so weird to see that sometimes other people feel the same. Some of human nature is shocking, some of it really is very common but we are all too chicken to say anything. At the bottom of this weeks selected postcards was this video about Hopeline, a privately funded suicide prevention hotline. The founder of this hotline lost his wife to suicide. Right now he is fighting to keep it out of our government's hands and basically needs help paying the phone bill. I'm sure they are helping someone as you are reading this... someone can get that low, come that close and no one knows. Watch the video below and donate whatever you can.

Silence

At last for now there is silence. I wish my notebook still worked so I could hide in my room with it. So I cleaned my room instead. Funny thing was apparently my ferret was not very impressed that her things were trash, and that I removed them from my closet. She put them back. The silence is soothing. I don't want to be spoken too, leave me with my thoughts. As dark as they may be, they are mine. Don't break in with your television, music or questions. Don't talk to me today, I don't care. Probably won't care tomorrow either. Remembering this was like when they put me on Lithium and quickly took me off it. Bad drug for you, throw it away and try this instead. No more drugs for me. Not even the shot anymore (I can't afford it). Rebif only gives you maybe a 30% chance that it may or may not help. Well I know I have a 100% chance I'll need gas to go to work and I will probably get hungry and well it just doesn't fit in right now. I really don't even like taking Advil for a headache. So when my vision falters and my hands don't quite work right, or when the big muscle in my leg twitches or the little one in my lip I pretend it's not happening. That's not real. The silence is, for at least another 30 minutes the silence is real. Just the soothing sound of the air conditioner humming and the clicking of the ceiling fan. Alone is real, nobody to listen. Nobody to break or enjoy the silence with me.

"If they tell you that she died of sleeping pills you must know that she died of a wasting grief, of a slow bleeding at the soul."

Thank You

Sometimes I don't make the best choices. Some where inside, in the back of my mind, I was considering that maybe you were giving me an ultimatum, even though you didn't say anything. Why would you make me choose when you were the one with the problem? Bending over backwards is my specialty but I'm not bending for you anymore. Keeping my new friend out of it, not mentioning him (but all I needed to do was wait because you would eventually just to shoot him down), not asking him to come along if I knew you were there. None of that was enough. You are not the nucleus that holds my life together. No one wronged you, no rules were broken unless it was one of your imaginary fucked up ones you create to justify how you treat people. Thank you for making it look so easy to just walk away like you don't care. Thank you for teaching me another lesson and thank you for making my decision easy. Friends don't require friends to make choices like that. Not by my definition. Apparently we define "friends" differently and to you they are easily discarded. A side of you I didn't know was there. This was never a choice I would have considered. Losing one was not what I wanted but apparently the right one is gone.

Cleaning

There's a reason I think we keep stuff in storage. Sorting through that mess tonight I found things. Found memories. Crash landed in the middle of my past. Who would have thought 7 years later I would still be sorting through our stuff. Packed another box to take to him. Then there are things...what to do. Cards. Letters. Pictures. Yeah that box. A whole box of pictures. Some went back to when I was a kid. As I looked through some of them it dawned on me. I've hated myself since I was a kid. Well, hate may be a strong word. Three pictures of me opening my brand new roller skates when I was 8. Cute kid. I remember those pictures. Should say I remember I HATED those pictures. A handful of pictures of me when I was 15. Wow, I was actually pretty. Back then? I hated those pictures. Pictures my friends take now? Hate them all. Some of those pictures cracked me up though. The irony of me giving a piggy back ride to my 9 month old. In that one, I'm wearing the same Metallica shirt he wears now (not a reprint, but the SAME one). How young we all looked then. My puppy, he's really been gone 12 years now. Grandma and Grandpa and the peppermint pillow. Some of the first pictures of my ex husband. My 17th birthday when you were waiting outside for me, too nervous to ring the bell. In that picture I was positively glowing because I knew you were there. The boy hanging upside by his thighs because no baby gate could hold him back. Still won't forgive my mother for those pool pictures. Not enough time on that one. If we could learn to appreciate the present the same way we do the past...maybe that's when we can let happiness in.

Strong Enough To Bend

My volunteer maple tree that started growing in my yard about a year ago showed me something last night. During this time of year we have A LOT of wind. Blows damn near every day. Looking at the tree awhile back, after the leaves came in, I noticed the few forks of branches are always intertwined with each other. So I separated them. Mind you this is a lanky tree, easily 12-15 feet tall, no trunk to speak of just these spindly branches. Maybe, to protect from the wind, I need to tie it to something? A tall pole maybe? Watching it last night I saw how it bends, flowing with the wind. Not bending as much, not giving as much so it didn’t break. The branches were intertwined again and moved as one. With the support afforded from the group the tree could bend with the wind without breaking. Apart, I’m sure the branches wouldn’t have survived. Sometimes I get in a state of mind so bad that I want to withdraw and separate myself from everything and everyone. Nothing and no one holds my interest. In a way I’ve been drifting from some of my friends. One remains constant and I don’t think he’ll ever let me get very far away. Hell I doubt he even knows that he makes me feel better. Watching the tree last night I realized Mother Nature’s design is not for us to weather storms alone. Find something to wrap up with and bend…

"I come around all broken down and
Crowded out
And you're comfort
Sometimes the place I go
Is so deep and dark and desperate
I don't know, I don't know..."

-R.F.

Life Lessons

Been doing some thinking lately. This was partly written for the boy. What would I want to pass on to him? What lessons in life have I learned? Some of this stuff should be common sense and isn't. It's a little long, could have been longer but I stopped.

Don't tell a joke that's not that funny more than once. Help strangers and friends when you see they need it. When you help someone, whether they asked you for it or not, do it with a smile and don't complain. Sometimes it takes a lot to ask for help and even more to accept it. Don't expect anything in return. When someone helps you, goes out of there way for you, buys/gives you something don't complain and don't ask for more. Accept it with a smile even if it wasn't exactly what you wanted or needed. There heart was where it should be and so should yours. Choose your battles wisely when arguing, you don't always have to prove your right. Sometimes it means more to the other person to believe that they are right. When you're wrong admit it. When you apologize mean it. If you don't know, say so. You can tell the character of a person by how they treat people they don't need, someone who is not nice to the waitress is not a nice person. Just because she is serving you doesn't make her less of a person. Be nice, smile. You never know what other jerks she may have just been dealing with. When you're ordering food, the more complicated you make the order the more likely they are to screw it up. Remember that and don't get mad when they do. You're the one that made it difficult. Tip well, if it's someplace you go to a lot, tip even more. If you can't afford the tip you can't afford to go out. Let the past live where it should, in the past. Don't let the lessons go, just the pain. If you can't change it, don't worry about it. Don't expend energy worrying about something you can't change (like the past). There's enough that you can change. You won't appreciate something handed to you as much as if you had earned it yourself. Just because it's free doesn't mean you need it. Hehe, and a somewhat cruel thing don't want for something too much, once you get it you may realize the dream and the struggle was worth more than getting it. Don't lend money you can't afford to live without. Money is not worth losing a friend over, don't hound them about it, they know. If they don't pay you back you know what you can't trust them with. Don't make fun of someone else's dreams, that may be all they have. You may not be able to control the situation you were pushed into but you can control your attitude and how you deal with it. When you're that angry don't talk, you may regret what comes out. Sleep on it, sometimes when you put a little distance on it the truth is clearer. Don't close your mind. Keep learning every chance you get. From people, books, TV, wikipedia where ever. Try new things every chance you get. Try old things again. Never say you don't like something you haven't tried (unless it's drugs or skydiving). When someone you care about or are getting to know wants to show you something, book, movie, restaurant song etc. Do it, they are sharing a part of themselves with you. Declining that is declining them. The tough times will make you appreciate the easier ones. When there's too much rain on the path you've taken you may want re-evaluate your path. No need in reminding you about the truth and your word. You got that one down. Just to expand on that though, don't do things you may feel you have to lie about later. Live well, work hard and remember in the end you are the one that has to live with yourself.

Dead End

Oh my I've been to the end of the road before. When I thought it was the end I managed to climb over the rocks and debris. Kicked it into 4 wheel drive a few times and made it through. Hmm I'm not sure 4 low is going to get me across a large brick wall. So I sit here idling. Breathing in the carbon monoxide trying to figure out how to go over it. Maybe it's a prison because it's seems to go all the way around. Having an idea of paradise I can see it in my review mirror. Somewhere through my mistakes and transgressions I missed the turn off. So here I sit. Waiting. Do I die here breathing fumes or see if I can tunnel. Sometimes life isn't meant for everyone.

They're Just Boys...

Somethings needs to be said. It's 2am and I've been awake for over twenty-four hours, not even able to count right now because I know it's been longer than that. So, if I write this the tears will stop so I can sleep. Two weeks ago I found out my best friend's nephew, who I've known since he was two-ish, is going to Iraq June 2nd. My first thought? Kidnap him, hide him. Shoot him in the foot. He can't go. Not him. Am I proud of him? Of course. He's still the cute little boy with blond curls to me. Not a soldier. Fast forward to tonight... an email that my brother's only boy is leaving for basic training June 3rd. His unit has already been put on alert to be deployed in November. This boy was offered not only a full ride football scholarship (University of Nebraska had him listed on there website for awhile), but an academic one as well. He was supposed to be safe in college, not joining the Army. Both good kids. Rewind to last summer... The night before his two week leave was over. Sitting on the balcony telling us he missed his unit, he needed to be back there. Staring off in the darkness, half gone twelve pack in his lap, telling us, if they didn't extend his tour again, how long it would be until he was home. February. He's still there.

"Life is a series of dogs"

To quote George Carlin... A good friend of mine just had to put there dog down today. Not knowing the dog that well I don't feel the loss but I feel his pain. There aren't a lot of things in life that are worse than making that choice. When I was 19 I had to make the call to put my black lab to sleep, I had gotten him for Christmas when I was 7. I remember the vet telling me about the tumors and what they were doing and all these horrible sounding treatment options that may not even work. Might only give him 3 or 4 more months. Through a blur of tears, and a voice that I'm sure he could barely hear, I asked him "And if it was your dog?" He stopped. He'd put him to sleep. Don't prolong his suffering. What a good dog he had been and who was I to put him through all that. Because I loved him I could end his life. Love between dogs and humans is so totally different, there really isn't anything to compare it to. Looking at my two girls now I know that there may come a day when I have to make that call again. Looking at them I know that they trust me to make the right decision for them, that's my job and that's what I signed up for when they agreed to love me back. Dog's teach us something too, besides to love unconditionally, I think they teach us selflessness. No matter how much it hurts.

Castles

So a friend told me this story a few nights ago. We were talking, joking, and somewhere along the way the conversation turned serious. At that exact moment it fit my frame of mind and almost brought me to tears. No way can I capture that moment but I can tell the story...

A man gets up on the soapbox in the middle of the town square. He shouts to the passersby "Would you like to see the most beautiful heart in all the world?" After a crowd gathers to view what he was speaking of, he unbuttons his shirt. There on the man's chest was the most beautiful heart, bright red, luminous, perfect in every way, no scars or bruises. The crowd oohed and awwed over this vision in front of them. They approached him, wanting to touch his beautiful heart. The man quickly became guarded, closing his shirt and yelling at them to get back. 'No one can touch me there, you'll fade it, scar it. It's beautiful, but no one can touch it.' He runs away before anyone gets too close. A feeble old man walks to the front to take the young man's place. He says to the crowd "Would any of you like to see the beauty of my heart?" Everyone stares as the old man unbuttons his shirt to reveal his heart. They gasp, it's faded, covered with nicks and scars, a large piece is actually missing. He points to the scars "My heart was not guarded. Allowing people to touch it they left there marks, I've loved and lost and loved again. This piece that's missing? I gave it to my wife when she died." He invited the crowd to him and let them touch his scarred, battered, beautiful heart.

When he told me the story I knew which was better, which was right. At that moment I knew, and friends are funny to say the thing you didn't know you needed to hear. After careful examination of my own heart and over thinking it like I do everything, I know that I'm that latter of the two. You know us, the one's who wear our heart's on our sleeves and stupidly let go. Still I'm having a hard time anymore believing that the first guy isn't better off.

Bridges

Something has flip flopped. Watching it fall away and knowing I may have had a hand in pushing it doesn't help. Did I really? Did it fall on it's own and I happened to be standing there. Being me I want to take the blame. Even though I'm not 100% sure what exactly it is I'm blaming myself for. Some rules somewhere say I haven't done a damn thing wrong. My heart says otherwise. The little crevice between us that opened one night has turned into a canyon. The bridges you tried to erect, well I guess I ignored them, set fire to them. Walked away. Right now, what I'm thinking is I miss my friend. Where we were once before things took a sharp turn left, wandered back to the center and stalled. What's left? Taking shots at me, and running a friend down that you never took the time to understand. Maybe it would be better if I just walked away completely, maybe I should have along time ago. It's easier to walk when things are good, the person is perfect, then you don't have to get to see what imperfections they have and watch them fall from the imaginary pedestal you put them on. You must be this tall to ride this ride? Right? Sound at all familiar to you?

Just a quick one...

Anyone checking in here from time to time has probably seen me reference this song and this artist more than once. He's a favorite of mine that you will never hear on the radio, well at least not him singing but you will hear his songs. Anyway, the man wrote my theme song, since the embedding from you tube is disabled click here to hear it. Feeling this way a lot lately...

One more just because it's awesome and, damn who hasn't felt like this?

What a day!

And damn did it turn out awesome! So I forget stuff. One thing I kept forgetting to do was actually buy tickets to the concert I went to last night. A few days ago a friend told me that another of our friend's had extras. So after calling the box office yesterday morning I found out he had better be right. The show was sold out. CRAP. Well I decide to go ahead a browse through the concert listings at the House Of Blues. Since I was there anyway. Didn't see anything I would actually pay to see until I got to the bottom. Last one listed was... (drum roll please) GARY ALLAN. May 29th. Texted best friend in Utah. Texted sister in Houston. Texted two friends here. Remembered what I was actually on the site for to begin with. Called to inquire about supposed extra tickets to the show. Hmmm he'll call around and find out. Boy did he come through for me! Hehe, and I talked him into going to the other concert with me (didn't require much talking). Friend in Utah called and she's on it too. She wants to see the love of her life and get trashed in Vegas. I now have three tickets to the House of Blues, seats 1800, which will be the equivalent of seeing him at a bar. So me, my best friend and my favorite Canadian are going to see THE MAN. Words can't describe how excited I am!!! Which reminds me I need to be sure that he knows the *incident* that happened during the show last night will never happen again. Ever, ever, ever...

Did I Break Your Concentration?

Umm a friend suggested since I can't talk about something maybe I should find an online board. So I went lurking. Reading through others comments, joking about there disease made me cry. It isn't just me and I'm screwed. There's one thing I've not mentioned on here, sometimes I feel like I'm getting dumber by the day. Sure I forget stuff, I may tell you the same thing 10 times and lock my keys in my car. My friends probably think I don't care to remember what they tell me, I'm sorry that suddenly Minnesota and Wisconsin are interchangeable to me. My spelling has declined to the point that spell check isn't to be dismissed. It looks right to me, but it never is. You know the sensation of having something on the tip of your tongue but can't get it out? Hehe, that's me on a daily. Had this happen tonight - Me and a friend were picking songs out of the new internet jukebox at our favorite bar. One of my selections was "Alright Guy" by Gary Allan (song cracks me up). Another guy comes up to me and asks who the singer is, says he's not really into country but he digs it. So I tell him the name and we start talking a bit. Ask me who some other artists I would recommend are, says he doesn't really like Big & Rich or Rascal Flatts, likes stuff with more of an edge (speaking my language). Drawing a complete blank I stare at my friend, I suddenly have no idea what the guy just asked me or what to say. Friend stares back and says Brad Paisley. Oh yea, I remember now. Sheepishly, I rattle off a few names to the guy. That's embarrassing, and I wish I could say a drink or three was involved but I was drinking water. It's like 90% of the time my brain is going so fast in so many directions that I can't keep up and then...sputter, stall, what was I doing? Sure I don't mind getting teased about it, nobody knows. At times it can be damn funny. Just hate that there have been times when they tell me things, important things, details about their lives and I forget. Believe me, I wish I didn't.

Blindsided...

How weird is this, I haven't thought of him in a long time. At least not in this way. I talk to him, talk about him. He's been part of my life for over half of it. Even if we're not together anymore he's still part of my life. How odd to miss something, yet not want it back. Telling someone a story earlier about teaching him a lesson must have stirred something distant in my mind. Awhile after, a long forgotten image popped into my head. Out of the blue, I was in the middle of working (how I hate the way my brain functions sometimes). Walking into the living room seeing him and the boy curled up together, the baby in his pajamas still clutching his bottle. Sleeping. They were my whole world. They were my home. So today, on a random Tuesday, an image from easily 13-14 years ago caused a small rip, a reopening of an old wound that doesn't seem to want to stay closed. It ached for awhile, still that same pain as if no time has passed. For a moment only, this will pass. For a moment, I felt a flicker of the girl who stood in the living room that night, that one who died a slow painful death starting in November of '01. The girl I try to forget ever existed because it hurts too much to miss her and to look in the mirror at what remains.

"There've been mornin's when I couldn't wake up
& evenin's when I couldn't sleep
My life will be fine for months at a time
Then I'll break down & cry for a week
'Cause when I told you I'd love you forever
I know you didn't think it was true
But forever is nothin'
Compared to some nights I've been through
In these years after you"

-John Conlee

Easy

He knows about this because I told him. When I get too much stuff buzzing around in my head I need to let some of it out. Writing it down for storage? For future reference or whatever. People don't amaze me a lot. I've got a great group of friends that I know I can rely on. Mostly just party with. The new addition I met a month ago is the one that's buzzing around in my head (not for that reason). He's surprised me for different reasons. I knew and I told him that he was bad for me, like chocolate. He makes me laugh, he makes me feel important, he's easy as hell to talk to about everything and on occasion, when I think we're going up on two wheels, he makes me scream. He's smart as anyone I've ever known, spontaneous (I still want to go to the zoo! or maybe Cedar?), unconventional, unpredictable, a little odd, a gentleman, and so different from anyone I've ever known. Like me in ways, but different. The time I spend with him is easy and natural, he doesn't weigh on me. He doesn't judge me.

Spring vs Fall

When watching The Notebook tonight I realized what got me about him at first. You know that scene with the ferris wheel? That brashness that only youth can have. Too bad I'm not some pretty young thing like Allie was. That movie gets me every time, the first time I watched I must have cried for 20 minutes after it was over. Anyway, he's still so easy to talk to and I really like being around him. There's so much about him I like, we're both broken and we don't care. I just wish other people weren't jerks about it...

It's good to be right...

Back in previous post I was venting about country radio.... See I know a number one hit when I hear one! The newest single from one of my favorites that my local radio station initially refused to play has hit number one on the charts. Although on the Radio and Records chart it peaked at number 2. Not too bad.

Enough Rope

So this is going to be a bad one... This is what I'm looking at. All negative, my situation and my environment is putting these thoughts in my head. As of recently I hate my job. Working for a new client which basically caused me to lose my overtime, my bonus and my free Directv. In essence my rate of pay dropped like $3 an hour. So I'm working just hard enough to keep from getting fired and that's not like me. I didn't get where I am by being a slacker, my "don't give a shit" attitude has never been so strong for that place as it is right now. On a good note, the salary cap with the new client is higher than the old one, so I may get a raise. The first in three years. So help me God if they give me a quarter I'll quit. That's an insult. Why do I stay? I'm good at what I do and after 10 years I can get away with murder there. My recent job searches have been futile. Onto home life, my decision to help out my mother so she could sell her house and quit one of her jobs has turned into a living hell for me. Getting nagged and constantly having someone on my ass has gotten real old real fast. It's getting harder and harder to bite my tongue when nothing I do is enough. If I get out of that house and out of this state she will be screwed. It's killing me to stay here, I feel like I'm losing my soul. It's slowly being bitched out of me. Keep in mind I hate Vegas to begin with and this is just making it worse. Starting to feel like I've been cornered. Weigh down. Paralyzed. This isn't being depressed this is being done. Don't want to be home, work, anywhere really. Usually I find my way out of things but I don't know how anymore. There is no way out this time. Everything is a constant uphill battle. Medical bills are piling up too and I'm drowning... Can't I just chuck it all and move to Tahiti? No? Fuck it I'm going to the bar...

"Well I’m thankful for the things I have,
And all the things I don’t.
And I’ve got dreams that will come true,
And I’ve got some that won’t.
Most the time I just walk the line wherever it goes.
‘Cuz you can’t hang yourself if you ain’t got enough rope."

- Chris Knight

Rebif Sucks

Just took my shot before bed like you're supposed to, three times a week. Sunday is one of my three days. They better come up with a pill real goddamn fast because I'm tired of this. Yes, I know they are making advances all the time. The fact that I have any medication to take is an improvement and possibly a miracle blah, blah, blah... I just hate wondering "is this the shot that's going to make me sick?" Better have the extra blankets ready just in case. The fever caused me to shiver and shake so bad the other night I ended up with muscle cramps. Hmm muscle cramps seems like an inadequate description. Imagine the worst leg cramp ever, multiply it and have it start about mid back, through your hips and all the way into your calves, then add shooting pains on top of it. Every movement was a new exploration in pain. Walking was an adventure, to the medicine cabinet at 3am to try some ibuprofen because something had to make it stop. It did, when my alarm went off at 5am I was covered in sweat but the cramps had stopped. Is this crap really helping? It's no cure, it just a preventative. Supposed to stop scary stuff from happening. Still I wonder if it's worth it when I'm reading the computer screen at work and I realize one eye isn't focusing anymore and my left hand has gone numb again. It's a sick feeling to recognize that and wonder if it'll correct itself like before or if this time it'll stay that way, knowing there's not a damn thing that anyone can do if it does. Maybe writing about this will help, I don't want to talk to anybody about it. It felt kind of weird when one of my friend's figured out what I have because he knew what interferon was, so I had to tell him so he didn't think I had HIV or something. I didn't want him to know. Yea, I know you're not supposed to carry stuff like this on your own but I just don't want to explain it and I don't want to be treated differently. Maybe it's because there's no way I can put it so that anyone understands how scared I really am. The few times I tried it didn't sound right coming out of my mouth, or maybe nobody really wants to know. How these things may be minor inconveniences or annoying, but for me are a reminder of how it could get worse. Like waiting for the other shoe to drop. My goal is to live my life everyday like tomorrow may not come. I danced the other night and I didn't care who was watching. Keeping the urgency in my head, I remind myself to do it now and don't put it off. Tomorrow may be the day when you wake up and... (insert disability here).

S.S.D.D.

My Ipod has been repeating my newly purchased Stone Sour album during my trips to the gym. That album is safe because not a single song on it reminds me of you, well maybe just that last one. Hey, we gave it a good try. That's a lie? We made a half-assed, wounded attempt to go beyond friendship and failed, but not badly. Hehe, maybe we, or you, or even me doesn't know we failed for now. At least we're adult enough to go right back to where we were. That's the important thing here, I would have died if I lost your friendship. I wish you had never said anything. Actually, since I'm wishing, I wish you would have said something sooner. Probably wouldn't matter the result would have been the same just minus the mistakes on my side. Then again I may have made different one's. It's easier to blame this on my stupidity than it is to admit I may not be capable of going all in again. Letting go of past lessons seems to get harder every time and it was easier with you but I'm not the only one who's been burned. Letting go is not something you can do, not even for me. It hurts a little, but not too bad. If it was meant to happen it would have. We're still you and me and that's a good thing.

"What a wicked game to play, to make me feel this way.
What a wicked thing to do, to let me dream of you.
No, I don't want to fall in love.
With you. With you."

-Chris Isaak

"We call them cool
Those hearts that have no scars to show
The ones that never do let go
And risk the tables being turned

We call them fools
Who have to dance within the flame
Who chance the sorrow and the shame
That always come with getting burned

But you got to be tough when consumed by desire
'Cause it's not enough just to stand outside the fire "

-G. Brooks

Awake: The Fan

Amazingly after the last few days I woke up in a great mood this morning. Had I a revelation while I was sleeping? Everything is so clear now and makes sense again. Normally, through maturity and life experience, I have a pretty good understanding of the Fan and the way it works. Right before the shit hits it, I see it coming and step to the side of the Fan. Over the last few months I went off in a different direction and lost site of the Fan or had my back to it or
something. Sometimes it was just a little spray, but more often than not I got a full load all over me and was surprised it happened. Me and the Fan had an understanding and I broke the agreement through my own stupidity. If ever you gain this type of relationship remember this: Don't. Fuck. With. The FAN. Did it come to me in a dream I don't remember, through the food poisoning induced 26 hours of sleep on Saturday/Sunday? Couldn't tell you. There have been some mistakes and things I've done in the last few months where I was looking at myself saying WTF? Did you really just do that? People judge you by what you have already done, not by what you feel capable of doing. I lost site of that. What you meant to do, or wished you would have done doesn't matter. Actions are what's important and what lasts. To be cliche, hindsight is still 20/20 and for me a few times the repercussions and regret were immediate. When I woke up this morning it was more than in just the literal sense, my eyes felt clear, bright, focused and determined. Me and the Fan are tight again. No more mistakes, right buddy?

This was on a friend's Myspace page, in quotes, and I thought it sounded so cool...and so true. Don't know where it originally came from so I can't attribute it to anyone, but it was too perfect not to share.

"love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not spent, it is not excitement, it is not the issue of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and tis is both an art and a fortunate accident. It contains roots that have grown towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom falls from the branches it's found that the ones in love are one tree, not two."

Deep. Beautiful.

Random act of kindness

So I've been going through the hiring process for a government job. Had the courage to apply, went through the testing phase, working on the SF86 background check form. I researched and researched this job and it seems to fit in every way. Today they called for the next phase, some kind of interview. The guy went through this ten minute spiel on the requirements and expectations of employment, most of it quoting verbatim from the website I already read. No surprise. Until he got to the part about visible tattoos...wtf? All the crap I read NEVER mentioned that, and I was looking for it. So I agreed to the interview anyway, not mentioning the red, white and blue butterfly on my hand. Then frantically began googling ways I might be able to cover it up. Found something called dermablend sold at Dillard's. Not someplace that I can afford to frequent but I went there anyway. My first trip to a make-up counter. So I explained my plight to the make-up magician. This woman worked and worked on me with a product she was not familiar with. Not her counter. Wrong color, wrong coverage, wrong this and that. She was hellbent on getting it to work though and brought in help. With the expertise of the new woman we finally got it covered up and it looked great. Dottie, the new woman, turned to the first and said "I know we just got all this new stuff in, just give her the color tester to take home, she shouldn't have to buy this stuff for an interview." She palmed the little jar and acted like she was shaking my hand, the jar disappeared in my pocket. The first woman brought me over to her counter to put powder on their creation and set it. She went over how important the right powder was, then got this puzzled look and said something about the jar being too big. Ducking behind the counter, she dumped a bunch of the powder from the tester in some kleenex. Folding it into a makeshift envelope, she taped it closed and handed it to me. All I could manage was 'thank you' when she wished me luck. I could feel the tears coming. How did they know? I never said a word. Unless they could see it on my face, this random act of kindness meant more to me that they could ever know.

This too shall pass...

You're the edge I just stepped off of... Why do I get nervous around you? I shouldn't be anymore. Dropping things, laughing too much, running red lights. I've not acted like such a retard in my life, I need a helmet... You're gonna bail. Leave me behind. Part of me wants you to go, get it over with. You will forget me and move on. There's something about you I can't put my finger on, so I think the worst. Is that "something" you've changed your mind or are you nervous too? You said you can't just turn it off and I believe you. While I fight with myself to keep from running, so I'm trying to stand back. You go out of your way for me, do things with me that I don't even have to ask for. People don't surprise me in a good way normally, and you've surprised me more than anyone I've ever known. The more I know the more I want to know, and that just doesn't happen. Still I feel like I've only scratched the surface, that there's something hiding beneath. We've both been too alone, too injured for too long for this to work right. We're teetering between friendship and the next level, friendship is easier. Friendship is not going to get me hurt. Friendship doesn't make promises destined to be broken. Being alone is easy, I'm used to it. If you don't try you are guaranteed to fail, but in this case the failure isn't that bad because maybe it never should have gone this far. Now that we've said it where do we go from here? Words could never express how sorry I am to have hurt you. That's one end I'm not used to being on, and actions I'm not used to making. Moments I never thought I was capable of. Why does something so good have to be so hard? And yet you're still here...

"I'm always easier to catch
Than I've ever been to hold
I'm a twisted rose, a tangled weed
The last thing that I need
Is to want you
Cause I don't want to"

-T.Y.

Maybe...ships passing

How many mistakes will you watch me make before you walk away? Working on quite the collection right now. How