Rebif Sucks

Just took my shot before bed like you're supposed to, three times a week. Sunday is one of my three days. They better come up with a pill real goddamn fast because I'm tired of this. Yes, I know they are making advances all the time. The fact that I have any medication to take is an improvement and possibly a miracle blah, blah, blah... I just hate wondering "is this the shot that's going to make me sick?" Better have the extra blankets ready just in case. The fever caused me to shiver and shake so bad the other night I ended up with muscle cramps. Hmm muscle cramps seems like an inadequate description. Imagine the worst leg cramp ever, multiply it and have it start about mid back, through your hips and all the way into your calves, then add shooting pains on top of it. Every movement was a new exploration in pain. Walking was an adventure, to the medicine cabinet at 3am to try some ibuprofen because something had to make it stop. It did, when my alarm went off at 5am I was covered in sweat but the cramps had stopped. Is this crap really helping? It's no cure, it just a preventative. Supposed to stop scary stuff from happening. Still I wonder if it's worth it when I'm reading the computer screen at work and I realize one eye isn't focusing anymore and my left hand has gone numb again. It's a sick feeling to recognize that and wonder if it'll correct itself like before or if this time it'll stay that way, knowing there's not a damn thing that anyone can do if it does. Maybe writing about this will help, I don't want to talk to anybody about it. It felt kind of weird when one of my friend's figured out what I have because he knew what interferon was, so I had to tell him so he didn't think I had HIV or something. I didn't want him to know. Yea, I know you're not supposed to carry stuff like this on your own but I just don't want to explain it and I don't want to be treated differently. Maybe it's because there's no way I can put it so that anyone understands how scared I really am. The few times I tried it didn't sound right coming out of my mouth, or maybe nobody really wants to know. How these things may be minor inconveniences or annoying, but for me are a reminder of how it could get worse. Like waiting for the other shoe to drop. My goal is to live my life everyday like tomorrow may not come. I danced the other night and I didn't care who was watching. Keeping the urgency in my head, I remind myself to do it now and don't put it off. Tomorrow may be the day when you wake up and... (insert disability here).

S.S.D.D.

My Ipod has been repeating my newly purchased Stone Sour album during my trips to the gym. That album is safe because not a single song on it reminds me of you, well maybe just that last one. Hey, we gave it a good try. That's a lie? We made a half-assed, wounded attempt to go beyond friendship and failed, but not badly. Hehe, maybe we, or you, or even me doesn't know we failed for now. At least we're adult enough to go right back to where we were. That's the important thing here, I would have died if I lost your friendship. I wish you had never said anything. Actually, since I'm wishing, I wish you would have said something sooner. Probably wouldn't matter the result would have been the same just minus the mistakes on my side. Then again I may have made different one's. It's easier to blame this on my stupidity than it is to admit I may not be capable of going all in again. Letting go of past lessons seems to get harder every time and it was easier with you but I'm not the only one who's been burned. Letting go is not something you can do, not even for me. It hurts a little, but not too bad. If it was meant to happen it would have. We're still you and me and that's a good thing.

"What a wicked game to play, to make me feel this way.
What a wicked thing to do, to let me dream of you.
No, I don't want to fall in love.
With you. With you."

-Chris Isaak

"We call them cool
Those hearts that have no scars to show
The ones that never do let go
And risk the tables being turned

We call them fools
Who have to dance within the flame
Who chance the sorrow and the shame
That always come with getting burned

But you got to be tough when consumed by desire
'Cause it's not enough just to stand outside the fire "

-G. Brooks

Awake: The Fan

Amazingly after the last few days I woke up in a great mood this morning. Had I a revelation while I was sleeping? Everything is so clear now and makes sense again. Normally, through maturity and life experience, I have a pretty good understanding of the Fan and the way it works. Right before the shit hits it, I see it coming and step to the side of the Fan. Over the last few months I went off in a different direction and lost site of the Fan or had my back to it or
something. Sometimes it was just a little spray, but more often than not I got a full load all over me and was surprised it happened. Me and the Fan had an understanding and I broke the agreement through my own stupidity. If ever you gain this type of relationship remember this: Don't. Fuck. With. The FAN. Did it come to me in a dream I don't remember, through the food poisoning induced 26 hours of sleep on Saturday/Sunday? Couldn't tell you. There have been some mistakes and things I've done in the last few months where I was looking at myself saying WTF? Did you really just do that? People judge you by what you have already done, not by what you feel capable of doing. I lost site of that. What you meant to do, or wished you would have done doesn't matter. Actions are what's important and what lasts. To be cliche, hindsight is still 20/20 and for me a few times the repercussions and regret were immediate. When I woke up this morning it was more than in just the literal sense, my eyes felt clear, bright, focused and determined. Me and the Fan are tight again. No more mistakes, right buddy?

This was on a friend's Myspace page, in quotes, and I thought it sounded so cool...and so true. Don't know where it originally came from so I can't attribute it to anyone, but it was too perfect not to share.

"love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not spent, it is not excitement, it is not the issue of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and tis is both an art and a fortunate accident. It contains roots that have grown towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom falls from the branches it's found that the ones in love are one tree, not two."

Deep. Beautiful.