Rebif Sucks

Just took my shot before bed like you're supposed to, three times a week. Sunday is one of my three days. They better come up with a pill real goddamn fast because I'm tired of this. Yes, I know they are making advances all the time. The fact that I have any medication to take is an improvement and possibly a miracle blah, blah, blah... I just hate wondering "is this the shot that's going to make me sick?" Better have the extra blankets ready just in case. The fever caused me to shiver and shake so bad the other night I ended up with muscle cramps. Hmm muscle cramps seems like an inadequate description. Imagine the worst leg cramp ever, multiply it and have it start about mid back, through your hips and all the way into your calves, then add shooting pains on top of it. Every movement was a new exploration in pain. Walking was an adventure, to the medicine cabinet at 3am to try some ibuprofen because something had to make it stop. It did, when my alarm went off at 5am I was covered in sweat but the cramps had stopped. Is this crap really helping? It's no cure, it just a preventative. Supposed to stop scary stuff from happening. Still I wonder if it's worth it when I'm reading the computer screen at work and I realize one eye isn't focusing anymore and my left hand has gone numb again. It's a sick feeling to recognize that and wonder if it'll correct itself like before or if this time it'll stay that way, knowing there's not a damn thing that anyone can do if it does. Maybe writing about this will help, I don't want to talk to anybody about it. It felt kind of weird when one of my friend's figured out what I have because he knew what interferon was, so I had to tell him so he didn't think I had HIV or something. I didn't want him to know. Yea, I know you're not supposed to carry stuff like this on your own but I just don't want to explain it and I don't want to be treated differently. Maybe it's because there's no way I can put it so that anyone understands how scared I really am. The few times I tried it didn't sound right coming out of my mouth, or maybe nobody really wants to know. How these things may be minor inconveniences or annoying, but for me are a reminder of how it could get worse. Like waiting for the other shoe to drop. My goal is to live my life everyday like tomorrow may not come. I danced the other night and I didn't care who was watching. Keeping the urgency in my head, I remind myself to do it now and don't put it off. Tomorrow may be the day when you wake up and... (insert disability here).