Tuesday, October 29, 2002

So I haven't posted anything in a minute.... busy busy busy. Running in circles, getting lost, getting found, getting lost again.... I do have one major bitch about the time change. People who sleep at night, all normal, get an hour of extra sleep right? Those of us working graveyard get an extra hour of work. Yay!
My 2nd major bitch for this week will be lodged against my son's school read the letter here....it's titled "school board". It's way too long to post here.

I'm sure anyone who actually looks at this has noticed the color changes, please bear with me on this!

Wednesday, October 23, 2002

What the hell is a loser? After repeatedly having this discussion with a friend of mine, I'm trying to figure out what exactly a loser is. I always kind of thought I was one, somebody where things just never went quite right for, but stayed at a level decent enough to keep you from blowing your brains out. You can't ALWAYS lose. You win a few, lose many more. To me that was a loser. To me my friend is not a loser. He is a victim of circumstance. He has way too many positive qualities, things that people are just born with, to be a loser. His definitions of a loser has to do with material things (house, vehicle, job etc), or lack of. By his definition I am not a loser. If you have all those things and are not happy and are dead inside, existing day to day, no talents, no friends and nothing to look forward to would you still be a winner? I wouldn't think so. Being a loser is a frame of mind. Some people can't help it, they're just that way. But if you're happy does it really matter? I think that's the step a lot of people
miss, including myself. If you're not happy with yourself, you need to change it. You can't be anything or do anything if you're not happy with who you are. You can't be for anyone else either, if you're not comfortable with who you are how can you expect anyone else to be? It's like trying to start out on the third rung on the ladder, it's a bitch and you're eventually gonna wind up on yer ass. You have to be for yourself first. Starting from scratch sux and everyone has to at one time or another. It doesn't make you a loser just because you've lost material things. I think the only way yer a loser is when you lose yourself or compromise your values.

Tuesday, October 22, 2002

I had an amazing weekend. I love to drive. So when my friend in Long Beach said come get me - I did. Vegas to I think it was Lakewood or something like that in less that 4 hours. I burned a couple cds, which in hindsight I prolly should have burned more than a couple. They were fine for me on tha way there, but country mixed with metal on tha way back prolly didn't agree with him. So music, red bull, very little sleep and curiosity got me there. Curiosity? Cali. I hadn't been there in over 10 years and I've never driven there. I wanted to see the ocean. Get out of Vegas for a minute. I wanted to help my friend. I wanted to see his world. I wanted to see him. I know he was happy to see me and glad I got him back here. It was good catching up. Looking back on it thou, that does seem kind of weird for a girl to drive that far to pick somebody up. A guy. I must have alterior motives aye? If I do, I dunno what it is. Maybe to see the ocean.... and I love to drive. Sleep in a motel room. Be out of my world for awhile. Not think about it if I don't want to. My world currently sux. Then again my world with my friend added back to it seems a little more complete. Friends do that.

Friday, October 18, 2002

The little about me part may be difficult to sum up. I have chosen to start this blog near the end of the worst year of my life. I'm still trying to figure out who "me" is. I thought I knew who I was. I mean I can quote you facts...my fav colors are purple and green (yum), I love Nascar (Go Tony!) and I'm totally stuck on Alice in Chains right now. I was happy and totally comfortable in my day to day life. Work, husband, son, two dogs, a cat, two cars, a house, the whole suburban thing. I was totally living my dream. In less than a year all I have left is my two dogs and my son. And my job, sort of. In a way I guess I'm standing in the rubble, just trying to sort it out. I no longer have a clue as to what I want out of life. I had it all figured out at one time. Now I have no idea cuz those dreams were not mine alone. I'm starting to forget what those goals were. I'll tell you what it's a bitch to wake up every morning and not know why. I'd never lived like that before. Before I lived day to day always looking at the future. Now, it's like I'd rather hide my head than see what is up ahead. So it was just day to day...whatever to get me by. I'm learning a lot thou, about what I'm about. ME not the Me\Him anymore.... A good friend told me the bottom line is you have to live with yourself, you have to be happy with you. That's where I'm headed and that's the piece of advice I keep coming back to.

Thursday, October 17, 2002

Ok, so I did it. Now I have one. A blog of my very own.... Now what? Where from here? Maybe a little about me... I know that this will be much easier once I get this keyboard replaced, this one has gotten a little selective about the letters that work.