Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Mac vs PC

Somebody gave me a Mac, well two of them actually. One is a pretty good paperweight (blueberry IMac) and the other I been thinking isn't so bad (Indigo IMac, 500mhz, 256MB Ram, CDRW) just really need it for internet and writing. Needs to be reloaded. I'm sure that must be the problem because surely no one would have ever used something intentionally for any length of time that acts like this does. It's not too slow but just unresponsive, and SELECTIVE about it's unresponsiveness. Backspace takes an enternity, can't login in to myspace, can't log in to blogger, but I can log in to gmail (where this post is about to come from). You tube videos skip and stutter even when fully buffered. Sometimes I think it's giving me the bird, it zipped thru the Flash update until the last 4 files. Wasn't done when I got up for work, but it was done when I got home. If this was all I had to use I would be inventing new swear words. Welcome to the world of Mac, the PC's retarded cousin.

However it has given me the silence I was looking for earlier... and an error when sending from Gmail in Safari (used IE and Dragon's Blood).

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Am I awake and dreaming or dead and remembering...

Umm I sat on the below post for a week. Unsure if it even made sense. A week ago I couldn't trust my thoughts. A week ago I didn't have the attention span to proof read this.

How did I type that previous post below and not notice? It took me another, what four days, to get it. "Years ago I quit once using it and it worked well." It worked well. It didn't make me manic, paranoid, delusional, unfocused, hyper sensitive, irritable and angry. It didn't make me have the attention span of a lightening bolt. It didn't make me crazy, it didn't make me keep my ex husband on the phone for 2 hours Friday night (intermittently hanging up on him, or putting him on eternal hold), it didn't make me text my best friend in Utah crazy stuff at 11pm, it didn't make me snap and go off on another friend for no reason (that all in one night). Yeah do not EVER add alcohol to Wellbutrin. All those things are not things I do. My friend I snapped on? He says, "Don't apologize, it wasn't you who did that". Don't even remember any of it. Had to hear replays the next day. The consensus of my friends? Please stop taking the pills and start smoking again, the pills are making you crazy. Well I did stop with the pills, but I didn't start smoking again. Thank God I don't remember the worst of Friday night...

So anyway, my point being I now have solid concrete proof that MS is what caused the bipolar and ADD. Because I took this medication before and it didn't do this to me. When they gave me that diagnoses, I just wanted it fixed. Give me meds so I can function. Then I researched it and it didn't add up. Never had any of the symptoms of ADD or bipolar (manic part) until I was 26-27, and it literally started over night. Took meds for roughly two years or so before they stopped working, or worked in weird ways that the doctors couldn't figure out (Lamictal gave me narcolepsy, Lithium made me homicidal). So I stopped taking all of it and was fine (the ADD was still there but not as bad). Happy to feel well, I tried not to think about it too much. It scared me too. How could it just go away? Will it come back? The answer? My brain repaired itself. Maybe not completely. My understanding of how MS works is similar to repairing damaged wires with electrical tape, blind folded. Like the body is more concerned with covering the exposed wires rather than making sure the signal/current is going thru unaltered. So if I happened to get a half assed repair on whatever was damaged, then couldn't it cause intermittent problems? Dropped data? May be a geek but I'm not a doctor.

Anyway, I came back...A little shook up and freaked out. Lesson learned, next..

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

I'm a quitter...

About a week and a half ago I found an old prescription for Wellbutrin, an anti-depressant that is also used as a stop smoking aid. Years ago I quit once using it and it worked well. Cool I’m going to try it again since the gum didn’t work. About the time I increased the dosage I noticed that I wasn’t sleeping well, couldn’t fall asleep or couldn’t stay asleep. Eh, whatever I’ve had insomnia before. Suddenly I realized my moods had changed from not wanting to get out of bed to waking before my alarm clock and feeling ok. Yet I had fleeting moments of depression and was quick to get angry or over react, no ability to focus – I’m like a ferret on crack. Maybe it’s the pills? Depression, fine I’ll admit it. It started again a couple months ago. Umm yeah they told me I was bipolar a few years ago but I’ve been medication free for two years without a problem. MS can cause bipolar, and fix it, and cause it again and…I’m manic. You don’t give antidepressants alone to a person with bipolar disorder, must be accompanied by a mood stabilizer (and I knew that but I'm not bipolar so it shouldn't matter). Otherwise you get exactly what I am right now. In every other aspect the pills are working great. Not smoked today, maybe smoked four or 5 times over the weekend and it doesn't even bother me. Yay for me, I'm a quitter! Then I'll quit taking the pills and we shall return to our regularly scheduled programming... It's worth it to be crazy for a week or so.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Time Travel

K update on the A/C thing... it was a blown fuse. Bah, took the guy like 5 minutes to fix. My mother kept saying something about a capacitor (I knew what she meant, but I also know the difference between a capacitor and a fuse). Couldn't help myself. "It wasn't the flux capacitor was it?" I giggled and she looked confused. Nice. She mentions the same thing to my brother, who asks her the same question. We both look at each other and laugh "Great Scott! 1.21 gigawatts!" and walk away (yes I am a geek, i said it). At least 6 hours later she asks me "what's a flux capacitor and why were you two laughing about it?" Being me I can't just say what it is. Have to be a smart ass and make her guess (gee I wonder where the boy gets that from). Mentioned the flux capacitor again, DeLorean, good ol' 1955 (that really threw her), 1.21 gigawatts generated by the bolt of lightening and the flux capacitor that makes time travel possible. Bing, I swear I actually saw the light bulb flicker and come on over her head...hehe...
Why July?

Why can't the air conditioner ever fail in May? Early June? September? Why does it have to be July? During the monsoon season? It may dip down to 84 degrees tonight with 48% humidity (being a desert dweller, humidity...well it sucks). At least the rain earlier cooled things off for a few minutes. Now the air is still, balmy and hot. The box fan I put in my window doesn't help if it's not cooling off at night, also the air can't penetrate the solar screens which I noticed are screwed into the stucco next to my second floor window. My dogs are looking at me and panting, I feel bad for them but I know they'll be fine (have to remember ice cubes for the fish tank). It's 2am and I know sleep isn't coming. Maybe if I would have known I would have just stayed at my friend's house instead of coming home. On the bright side, according to the weather forecast it's supposed to rain off and on tomorrow and it's only going to get up to 95 degrees. Possible downside, I've never had an A/C unit just not turn on (yes I checked the breaker). Is that bad? Seen units blow hot air, freeze up and one even blew smoke. Curious to know what component died, and how hard and expensive it is to fix. Hmmm, I think I'll try sleeping pills and see if I can put an end to one of the worst days I've had in a long time. Everything from earlier was my own doing, the A/C unit was merely the grand finale...

Saturday, July 05, 2008

The Scarlet Ibis

Such a fine line between love and hate. A strong emotion for one person in either direction, the true opposite is indifference. You can feel both for a person at the same time. Those we befriend and let into our weird little worlds and those we travel thru life with as family, are often the one's we can treat the worst. They drive us crazy and yet they are usually the ones that will stand by us when it matters and the ones we would lay down in traffic for. Usually but not always. We don't think they'll ever go, but they can. My intentions are not to treat anyone badly, but I do. I catch myself. What is it that makes us think we can treat the ones we care for the most like that? Maybe they'll come after us if we block them out, maybe if we push them they'll be more like what we want. We can tell them what we really think, and from that I think is what springs the love/hate. That well runs deep and depending on the day, is what content fills the bucket we draw.

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

The Earth, Plus Plastic

A week has passed and I didn't say anything on here. That first time I saw one of his routines when I was 13, actually saw the whole thing, I about died laughing and was hooked. One of our local radio stations used to play parts of his Airline Safety Lecture routine was what got me wanting to hear more (Fuck You I'm getting in the plane! Seems to be less wind in here!). What got me about him was how he could take life's little moments that we all have and make them hysterical. Not only in words (what a way with words) but in the funny faces and actions. He pointed things out long before some of our newer comedians (have you went to shake some one's hand and realized it's not a complete hand?). I didn't always agree with him but he made me want to listen. Always thinking, always putting interesting twists on things and humorous yet functional solutions to the world's problems. It's all in the exaggeration right? Fortunately I was able to see him this past February, the first and last time. It's going to be hard not getting to hear his take on the way the world is headed, thank you for sharing your ideas, comedy and language...