Sunday, June 29, 2008


One of my favorite sites to visit is Post Secret. It's sort of like being able to read someone's innermost thoughts and secrets, I've both laughed and cried there. Stepped back and felt not quite so alone, not quite so weird to see that sometimes other people feel the same. Some of human nature is shocking, some of it really is very common but we are all too chicken to say anything. At the bottom of this weeks selected postcards was this video about Hopeline, a privately funded suicide prevention hotline. The founder of this hotline lost his wife to suicide. Right now he is fighting to keep it out of our government's hands and basically needs help paying the phone bill. I'm sure they are helping someone as you are reading this... someone can get that low, come that close and no one knows. Watch the video below and donate whatever you can.

Saturday, June 28, 2008


At last for now there is silence. I wish my notebook still worked so I could hide in my room with it. So I cleaned my room instead. Funny thing was apparently my ferret was not very impressed that her things were trash, and that I removed them from my closet. She put them back. The silence is soothing. I don't want to be spoken too, leave me with my thoughts. As dark as they may be, they are mine. Don't break in with your television, music or questions. Don't talk to me today, I don't care. Probably won't care tomorrow either. Remembering this was like when they put me on Lithium and quickly took me off it. Bad drug for you, throw it away and try this instead. No more drugs for me. Not even the shot anymore (I can't afford it). Rebif only gives you maybe a 30% chance that it may or may not help. Well I know I have a 100% chance I'll need gas to go to work and I will probably get hungry and well it just doesn't fit in right now. I really don't even like taking Advil for a headache. So when my vision falters and my hands don't quite work right, or when the big muscle in my leg twitches or the little one in my lip I pretend it's not happening. That's not real. The silence is, for at least another 30 minutes the silence is real. Just the soothing sound of the air conditioner humming and the clicking of the ceiling fan. Alone is real, nobody to listen. Nobody to break or enjoy the silence with me.

"If they tell you that she died of sleeping pills you must know that she died of a wasting grief, of a slow bleeding at the soul."

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Thank You

Sometimes I don't make the best choices. Some where inside, in the back of my mind, I was considering that maybe you were giving me an ultimatum, even though you didn't say anything. Why would you make me choose when you were the one with the problem? Bending over backwards is my specialty but I'm not bending for you anymore. Keeping my new friend out of it, not mentioning him (but all I needed to do was wait because you would eventually just to shoot him down), not asking him to come along if I knew you were there. None of that was enough. You are not the nucleus that holds my life together. No one wronged you, no rules were broken unless it was one of your imaginary fucked up ones you create to justify how you treat people. Thank you for making it look so easy to just walk away like you don't care. Thank you for teaching me another lesson and thank you for making my decision easy. Friends don't require friends to make choices like that. Not by my definition. Apparently we define "friends" differently and to you they are easily discarded. A side of you I didn't know was there. This was never a choice I would have considered. Losing one was not what I wanted but apparently the right one is gone.