Silence

At last for now there is silence. I wish my notebook still worked so I could hide in my room with it. So I cleaned my room instead. Funny thing was apparently my ferret was not very impressed that her things were trash, and that I removed them from my closet. She put them back. The silence is soothing. I don't want to be spoken too, leave me with my thoughts. As dark as they may be, they are mine. Don't break in with your television, music or questions. Don't talk to me today, I don't care. Probably won't care tomorrow either. Remembering this was like when they put me on Lithium and quickly took me off it. Bad drug for you, throw it away and try this instead. No more drugs for me. Not even the shot anymore (I can't afford it). Rebif only gives you maybe a 30% chance that it may or may not help. Well I know I have a 100% chance I'll need gas to go to work and I will probably get hungry and well it just doesn't fit in right now. I really don't even like taking Advil for a headache. So when my vision falters and my hands don't quite work right, or when the big muscle in my leg twitches or the little one in my lip I pretend it's not happening. That's not real. The silence is, for at least another 30 minutes the silence is real. Just the soothing sound of the air conditioner humming and the clicking of the ceiling fan. Alone is real, nobody to listen. Nobody to break or enjoy the silence with me.

"If they tell you that she died of sleeping pills you must know that she died of a wasting grief, of a slow bleeding at the soul."