Let It Go

No the words to the song that just happened to come on the radio were not lost on me either. Not at all. You stopped and then started laughing... "Are you listening to the words?" Your laughter didn't stem from any kind of humor. Maybe you had the same thought I did. Which one in the song am I? What irony that was, coincidence whatever. You still don't believe me, I saw that when once again I tried to explain it. "Don't worry about it, it's not like I ever put a ring on your finger." Maybe that's your way of pushing me away. Fine, the whole thing is a bad idea anyway. No matter how right it feels. Today, I don't feel happy, excited, twitterpated or anything but sick because I didn't want it to go too far. Never wanted to feel this way. Never thought I would. No one my age is capable of a normal fkn relationship anyway, we're all too jaded, too scarred and too broken. We know how it ends before it even starts. No matter what clever things you say. Swore to myself months ago, the first time you tried during the concert, that I wouldn't let it happen again. So how many times have I lied to myself now? Distance and time that I put there didn't change damn thing. So, I just have stick to what I know is right.

You shouldn't kiss me like this
Unless you mean it like that
Cause I'll just close my eyes
And I won't know where I'm at
We'll get lost on this dance floor
Spinnin' around
And around
And around
And around

They're all watchin' us now
They think we're falling in love
They'd never believed we're just friends
When you kiss me like this
I think you mean it like that
If you do baby kiss me again

Everybody swears we make the perfect pair
But dancing is as far as it goes
Girl you've never moved me quite
The way you moved me tonight
I just wanted you to know

-Toby Keith

Seven Blunders Of The World

Not sure who to attribute this to but it's dead on... *Update* Apparently this was spoken by Gandhi.

"Seven Blunders of the World


1. Wealth without work

2. Pleasure without conscience

3. Knowledge without character

4. Commerce without morality

5. Science without humanity

6. Worship without sacrifice

7. Politics without principle"

Amen.

Don't

So what do I do with this? Do you really feel that way or was it the alcohol talking? How was I supposed to know you thought I was with him this whole time. Did I not make that clear to everybody who asked? Not my fault you never asked, but I remember we talked about it. You encouraged it, told me I was crazy not to go for it. Tried explaining to you then there was nothing to go for. There was no way I could do that. You think you have me figured out, but you're wrong. You said I know exactly what I want and how to get it. Not sure where you pulled that from. Must have me confused with someone else. Unless that's something I don't know about. Prefer to think maybe you know don't me as well as you think. Please don't put me on a pedestal built from expectations I can never live up to. Knowing that look, I've seen it on other faces and now on yours. How can I save you when my hands are bound too? I appreciate you, my friend, but this is one can of worms you don't want to break the seal on. We've had distance, we've had time. Give us a minute and we're right back where we've been. Nothing good can come of this and I don't want to lose anymore friends. So I can stop it now and prevent you from crossing a line there's no returning from. If I didn't care, it wouldn't matter.

Better As A Memory (insert woman, or girl, as needed)

I move on like a sinners prayer
Letting go like a levee breaks
Walk away as if I don't care
Learn to shoulder my mistakes
Built to fade like your favorite song
Get reckless when there's no need
Laugh as your stories ramble on
Break my heart, but it won't bleed
My only friends are pirates
That's just who I am
But I'm better as a memory than as your man

Never sure when the truth won't do
And pretty good on a lonely night
Move on the way a storm blows through
And never stay, but then again, I might.
I struggle sometimes to find the words
Always sure until I doubt
Walk a line until it blurs
Build walls too high to climb out
But I'm honest to a fault
That's just who I am
I'm better as a memory than as your man

I see you leaning, you're bound to fall
I don't want to be that mistake
I'm just a dreamer and nothing more
You should know it before it gets too late

Cause goodbyes are like a roulette wheel
You never know where they're gonna land
First you're spinning, then you're standing still
Left holding a losing hand
But one day you're gonna find someone
And right away you'll know it's true
That all of your seekin's done
It's just a part of the passing through
Right there in that moment you'll finally understand
That I was better as a memory than as your man
Better as a memory than as your man

by K.C.

Crossed Wires

Want to talk about this but Im not sure who to talk to about it. Several people I don't want to scare, like I am now, or have them think it's some drama crap. Sure, I've shared some but then let it go. One friend said, and he's right as usual, you could have been stressing over it this whole time. Little scared and a little pissed off. About two years ago I fainted at work, not the first time (or last) and I honestly wrote it off. Bit of rug burn on the forehead and a bump, not the end of the world. The next day my knee was killing me, so swollen I couldn't bend it (existed before falling) so I went to the clinic. They asked what happened to my head, so I told them. They were more concerned about me fainting than my knee, so they hooked my up to an EKG machine. Xrayed my knee and told me, even though it was the size of a softball, there was nothing wrong with it. However, on the EKG they found some blip that indicated Wolff Parkinson's White Syndrome. Wow, please explain? Basically it's an extra electrical pathway in the heart. May make your heart beat funny or cause palpitations from time to time. Nothing to worry about, have a nice day. That did explain the occasional erratic heartbeat and palpitations for as long as I can remember. Cool, at least now I knew what it was, end of story.

Thursday I went to the doctor again, several reasons, one being that four times over the last month I've come damn close to fainting while having the sensation that my heart wasn't beating at all. Then it would start beating like a sledge hammer for five or ten minutes. He did another EKG (before I told him this). Asks me if I have ever been told I have WPW syndrome. Sure. Good so you're under treatment. Treatment? What treatment? He looked as surprised as I felt. You need to see a cardiologist asap. Went into explaining atrial fibrillation, ventricular fibrillation and how the two can be bad in my case. Guess Afib can cause Vfib because of the weird way the electrical impulses run through my heart. Vfib is fatal if not treated within a few minutes. Also some long word that started with a T that swear I've heard on House. So it can be serious? Yes. How serious? Go to a cardiologist. Right. So who do I believe? The doc that sent me on my way or the one telling me it needs treatment? So fkn tired of needles, tests, doctors, pills, machines, IVs - enough to last me a lifetime. I don't even like taking Advil for a headache anymore. Part of me wants to stick my head in the sand. Lived with it thus far. The thought that stuck...what if I faint while I'm driving and hurt someone else? What if I just fall out somewhere alone? Been sitting here half the weekend thinking about it. Crazily in tune with the way my chest feels. Wanting to call somebody, but there's no one I can talk to. Not this time. Maybe it is drama, maybe it is crap, maybe neither doctor knows what they're talking about. Maybe they were both right in there own way. Maybe I'm just defective and should let nature takes it's course.

Thank you for calling ____

So I'm a week into my fabulous new assignment. After my first day I was thinking what the hell did I get myself into. Oh sure I remember most of it (highest average score in the refresher class, 98%), but damn there's stuff I forgot and new things I didn't know about. Thank god my friend was here the first day, I couldn't remember how to put a customer on hold. All in all I'm remembering one of the things I loved about this client, the customers are cool. Easy to talk to, the product is solid, simple to troubleshoot, easy to sell and I'm no salesman. At the same time it's enough if a challenge to not be boring. Yesterday I was talking with one of the people who escaped the other client with me. This is EASY, we make a bit more money, the stress is minimal and it feels like a HUGE weight has been lifted off of us. Guess I never realized how the stress and hatred from my other job was impacting me outside of work. At the end of my shift my neck, shoulders, head and stomach don't hurt anymore. My stomach doesn't go into knots at the mere thought of having to return. I'm not carrying around stress, didn't even know it was there until it was gone. In comparison this feels like a vacation. When you help someone you know within a few minutes if it's been fixed. There is a lot of satisfaction in this job for me. Finally, once again, I feel productive and that I'm doing a good job (well maybe not that first day). Umm, it also appeals to my inner geek.

Pulling back from the brink...

Was I standing there, on the edge of a cliff, laughing, crying...dancing? Never noticed, I was too wrapped up in what was going on inside me to notice how close it was. The fall I was headed for no one could have saved me from. Not as if I was listening to anybody anyway. Not that I noticed that they stayed back and didn't follow. Weren't you there with me? Why did you walk away? Seeing you leave was the first step I took away from that abyss. The one I was oblivious to. Turning around now, it's not clear how I got there but I know those are not steps I want to retrace. Solitude can be found along the edge but it's not the kind anyone seeks. You can lose yourself there and be unaware of it, unhearing of other people warning you. Tires screeching that woke me up, yet the silence that followed was more deafening. What you left behind, burnt rubber on asphalt, reminds me everyday of what I did and what I can't take back. Not just that night, but everything before that too.

When we walked out of the bar/restaurant last night there was a song playing. I'm relieved you were ahead of me so you didn't see. That song was how I feel. Can't say anymore than I already have.

"I'm sorry I'm bad, I'm sorry I'm blue, I'm sorry about all things I said to you
And I know I can't take it back"

Where Were You?

Someone asked me this morning that all important question. Where were you? Not something anyone forgets. Me? I was sleeping. That week I was in a night training class, otherwise I would have been on my way to work. Even though she had just been outside a few hours before, my dog woke me up, dancing around like she needed out. Remember walking down the hallway and making the turn into the kitchen, I remember thinking who the hell left the TV on? Always turned it off before bed. Saw something was burning. Made it to the back door and opened it, only for the dog to stand there looking up at me, she didn't want out. That's when it registered what building that was burning on TV. The two together, and something with the flags, it clicked then. Going back in there I turned up the sound. Airplane, it was an airplane. Remember thinking what a huge mistake somebody made. Listening to see, what kind, what airline, who was to blame blah blah. When the second plane hit I went numb, the newscasters fell silent and couldn't hide there disbelief. They knew, as did the rest of the world that this was not an accident. The bottom of the screen at some point changed to "Attack On America". Three words that cut thru me, it was real and I was watching it live. Watched them fall, knowing not everyone got out, praying that they did anyway. We wondered for an hour what would happen to the two planes that were missing. They were gone, one into the Pentagon one went down fighting in a Pennsylvania field. Left to sort out what I just saw, hear the silence from the airport two miles away, I couldn't see the planes coming anymore. Feeling very small I called my dad, he always knows what to say. He did, he had already moved from shock to the pissed off part, and he went on in anger about the hell some nation had just brought down on themselves. There would be hell to pay.

There's a scene from a movie I thought of today, don't remember the movie but the scene stood out to me (I think it was about a volcano) everyone is walking covered in ash and debris. A little boy said "Don't we all look the same, we're all the same now." That moment, on that day, we all were the same. From the business men running for there lives in Manhattan, the rescuers who went in when everyone else was running out, men and women on there way to work, truck drivers, cops, construction workers, waiters, pilots. Everyone united in grief for what just befell our country. There was a poster board someone overseas (in Europe but I don't remember where) held up that simply said "We're All Americans Now."

The first time I heard this song was what? Two months later? Driving down Pilot Rd to pick a friend up from work I had to pull over...

Smoke Rings In The Dark

Still thinking and something else occurred to me. Part of the reason I broke up with my last boyfriend was, not only was I bored, but I didn't love him. Wanted to cut him lose right then so as not to make things worse further down the road, not to lead him on. Not saying it didn't hurt to lose him, I just didn't want to be reckless with his heart. The guy before him, dumped him mostly because he was an ass. It was only after that I realized I didn't love him either. Just examples. Sure, I experience the whole "twitterpated" thing. The fever you get for someone in the beginning, the attraction, the heat and butterflies that last for a few weeks, or even a month or three. Then it just fades. Never goes beyond that stage to being "in love". Sometimes "in lust", but not love. This meandering has arrived at a point where I'm wondering if I'm even capable of falling again. So many years have passed since I felt that way. There's been a few times when I thought it was coming on, and it just vanishes. Like dust in the wind.

Going to back to a friend I lost a few months ago, and following this thought process, I been evaluating it wrong. Knowing how he felt, even if he wouldn't follow through on it, his pain was real though I didn't think it was justified. He caused it and I helped see it through. All along I've said no way to another shot. What if he bailed again due to my choice in friends? Been looking at it wrong. He's better off, to get it out of the way and move on like he did. If I'm not capable of what he wanted all I would do is hurt him all over again.

"The rain falls where it wants to
The wind blows where it will
Everything on earth goes somewhere
But I swear we're standin' still
So I'm not going to wake you
I'll go easy on your heart
I'll just touch your face and drift away
Like smoke rings in the dark"

-Gary Allan

Mud

If you're going to drunk dial someone in the middle of the night, telling them how much you miss them and how stupid you are... The least you can do is give them the chance to respond before you hang up. What the hell is it about alcohol that gives people the right to call like that? If you really feel that way, tell me sober. Then I might believe you.

Last night I dreamt of Manderley again...

I could not enter, the way was barred to me with a chain and padlock upon the gate... Been doing a lot of thinking today. So humor me while I wander through this. Some things have been happening over the last few months that I don't understand, changes in myself that I don't get. So, I went back to where was I this time last year. Read back through some things I wrote. At that time I was on the verge of breaking up with my then boyfriend, went to Denver and began plotting my escape from here. Just began to notice the decline in my spelling and that I was forgetting things. On the whole, everything was normal for me. Taking things as they came at me and pushing through it, no big deal. With the turmoil I have had within myself over these last few months, believe me, today is a moment of clarity. Trying to use it for what it's worth and take a huge step back, examining my situation and how I arrived here. I have done and said things to a few people that are so far out of character for me I don't know where they came from. It has gotten to the point where I don't recognize myself anymore. Like I'm wrapped in a nightmare filled with impulsiveness, emotional instability, paranoia, poor self image and selfishness that I can't wake up from. Who else am I going to lash out at for no reason? Things that would never cross my mind I can now hear coming out of my mouth. Like I'm fkn crazy. So bad that I'm actually scared to talk to anyone. It's as if I have no censorship mechanism. Not to mention the anxiety, most days the anxiety is so bad I feel like I have a brick in my stomach made up of fear, guilt, regret and embarrassment. Bad enough that I can't eat because I'll puke. For the last week I've been afraid to talk to my best friend. Tried talking to her Sunday and I couldn't focus on anything she was saying. What kind of friend can't listen? Scared I'm going to say or do some thing to hurt her now, too. Something occurred to me, going back to the MS/bipolar thing. If it changes your brain, eats it away, could it alter your personality? So I googled it. Eh, I just hope it goes away as quickly as it came on. Could I get some physical symptoms instead of the mental one's please??? Not that I want to lay blame there, or use this as a scapegoat. Bottom line, they are my actions, my words. I own them and I can't take them back.

Article one

Article two

Article three (I'm not forgetting I'm having a retrieval failure LOL)

Article Four