Last night I dreamt of Manderley again...

I could not enter, the way was barred to me with a chain and padlock upon the gate... Been doing a lot of thinking today. So humor me while I wander through this. Some things have been happening over the last few months that I don't understand, changes in myself that I don't get. So, I went back to where was I this time last year. Read back through some things I wrote. At that time I was on the verge of breaking up with my then boyfriend, went to Denver and began plotting my escape from here. Just began to notice the decline in my spelling and that I was forgetting things. On the whole, everything was normal for me. Taking things as they came at me and pushing through it, no big deal. With the turmoil I have had within myself over these last few months, believe me, today is a moment of clarity. Trying to use it for what it's worth and take a huge step back, examining my situation and how I arrived here. I have done and said things to a few people that are so far out of character for me I don't know where they came from. It has gotten to the point where I don't recognize myself anymore. Like I'm wrapped in a nightmare filled with impulsiveness, emotional instability, paranoia, poor self image and selfishness that I can't wake up from. Who else am I going to lash out at for no reason? Things that would never cross my mind I can now hear coming out of my mouth. Like I'm fkn crazy. So bad that I'm actually scared to talk to anyone. It's as if I have no censorship mechanism. Not to mention the anxiety, most days the anxiety is so bad I feel like I have a brick in my stomach made up of fear, guilt, regret and embarrassment. Bad enough that I can't eat because I'll puke. For the last week I've been afraid to talk to my best friend. Tried talking to her Sunday and I couldn't focus on anything she was saying. What kind of friend can't listen? Scared I'm going to say or do some thing to hurt her now, too. Something occurred to me, going back to the MS/bipolar thing. If it changes your brain, eats it away, could it alter your personality? So I googled it. Eh, I just hope it goes away as quickly as it came on. Could I get some physical symptoms instead of the mental one's please??? Not that I want to lay blame there, or use this as a scapegoat. Bottom line, they are my actions, my words. I own them and I can't take them back.

Article one

Article two

Article three (I'm not forgetting I'm having a retrieval failure LOL)

Article Four