Smoke Rings In The Dark

Still thinking and something else occurred to me. Part of the reason I broke up with my last boyfriend was, not only was I bored, but I didn't love him. Wanted to cut him lose right then so as not to make things worse further down the road, not to lead him on. Not saying it didn't hurt to lose him, I just didn't want to be reckless with his heart. The guy before him, dumped him mostly because he was an ass. It was only after that I realized I didn't love him either. Just examples. Sure, I experience the whole "twitterpated" thing. The fever you get for someone in the beginning, the attraction, the heat and butterflies that last for a few weeks, or even a month or three. Then it just fades. Never goes beyond that stage to being "in love". Sometimes "in lust", but not love. This meandering has arrived at a point where I'm wondering if I'm even capable of falling again. So many years have passed since I felt that way. There's been a few times when I thought it was coming on, and it just vanishes. Like dust in the wind.

Going to back to a friend I lost a few months ago, and following this thought process, I been evaluating it wrong. Knowing how he felt, even if he wouldn't follow through on it, his pain was real though I didn't think it was justified. He caused it and I helped see it through. All along I've said no way to another shot. What if he bailed again due to my choice in friends? Been looking at it wrong. He's better off, to get it out of the way and move on like he did. If I'm not capable of what he wanted all I would do is hurt him all over again.

"The rain falls where it wants to
The wind blows where it will
Everything on earth goes somewhere
But I swear we're standin' still
So I'm not going to wake you
I'll go easy on your heart
I'll just touch your face and drift away
Like smoke rings in the dark"

-Gary Allan