Enough

There was a PS in there somewhere but I began to ramble and lost track like I do sometimes. Sometimes I forget that things going alright in an able body might not be long term for me. The other day I was thinking "I've had enough". So I ran with that negative mantra playing in my head for two days. Then I figuratively smacked myself, I have had enough. Enough food to gain a little weight back. Enough of a job to pay my bills. Enough friends to keep me busy. Enough fun to take the edge off. Enough injury to appreciate health. Enough pain to appreciate pleasure. Enough rain to coax the bloom of spring. Even with all the weeds, I need to remember this is my garden, I tend it. You reap what you sow and you can't expect a harvest of positive when you continually plant negative.

"Tomorrow's another day, I'm thirsty anyway. Bring on the rain." -JDM

Two Years In

So I'm thinking of a symptom check. How things have changed for the better and for the worse. Really, not bad at all, or I forgot. So the winner is for worst symptom, memory loss and cognitive ability. I'll group those together, usually I forget the things I've forgotten. Until I'm reminded, someone asks me something and it's like having a little tickle in my brain in a gap where the memory is gone and and...I don't know but I feel like I knew once. Frequent phrases - "That sounds familiar" or "Crap! I forgot" and "I'm sorry I don't remember" Some words won't come, like they fell out of my head, even though I may have just used it a few minutes ago. Word substitution, using the completely wrong word and thinking you used the right one (the looks on that are priceless). Get frustrated sometimes if I get interrupted, my train of thought doesn't always keep rolling in the background. The other scary thing is getting disoriented or forgetting where I am. Luckily it's only happened a couple times. Tonight I stepped out of the Binion's parking garage downtown and had no idea where I was. This is a place I've been hundreds of times (I've lived here 25 years). To the right was first street and to the left Casino center. The names meant nothing. Realized I didn't remember where I was supposed to meet my friend. So I started walking down First Street, hoping it would come to me. Then I heard music, the show started on the canopy above Fremont St. It all came back then. Spelling would be next on my list. Spell check is no longer an option. I did find relief from a surprising source. Text messaging on my cell. Guess it helps to practice. Other than the memory issues and cognitive ability, the one single item that saddens me the most is not being able to read books anymore. Since I was a kid I've been devouring large books, sometimes reading two or three at a time. In elementary school I had already started on authors like Jack London (the school librarian even quizzed me because she didn't think I would actually understand them). Able to blow thru 1500 page books in just a few days as I got older. The book I wanted, and got, for Christmas I'm 86 pages into. The last book I finished was a struggle. Simply can't concentrate for more than a few minutes, or I fall asleep. Hell, I have trouble reading an article online that runs for too long. Funny thing though, writing comes easier. Looking back thru earlier posts on here, it seems to have improved some. Physical symptoms are minimal. Mostly erratic vision loss that comes and goes, double, blurred or blacked out vision. Muscle twitching/weakness, numbness in my feet and hands. Not bad. The coolest part? No migraines for about 3 years now. Sure, I still get the aura, that kaleidoscope of lights that dance and zigzag across my vision for about thirty minutes. Previously when the visual effects had ended, bring on the worst headache you can imagine. Put me in a dark, quite room and let me die. Sure don't miss that at all. So there it is. Two years into knowing I have MS.

Angels and Friends

We all fall down sometimes. You place enough weight on your own shoulders, you're bound to become top heavy and the slightest thing is going to knock you off balance. When that happens you're supposed to get back up, brush yourself off and continue. Then there are times when that load you were hauling buries you. So you lay there for awhile. Unsure of how to get back up. Eventually something clicks, you rearrange a thing or two or maybe cast another item aside. Breathing is possible. There is light there. If you are lucky enough you may have a person or three who notice you're not simply taking a nap. May offer to carry something for you, lighten your load and ease your troubles. Someone may offer to point out that all important step you missed, what you've forgotten about lately and what used to make you happy. Suddenly the load seems a little easier and your purpose a little clearer.

Thank you for showing me good still exists in people.

Thank you Cowboy for lighting the way...

"When life held troubled times, and had me down on my knees.
Theres always been someone there to come along and comfort me.
A kind word from a stranger, to lend a helping hand.
A phone call from a friend, just to say I understand.
And aint it kind of funny that at the dark end of the road.
Someone lights the way with just a single ray of hope.

Oh I believe there are angels among us.
Sent down to us from somewhere up above.
They come to you and me in our darkest hours.
To show us how to live, to teach us how to give.
To guide us with a light of love"

-Alabama