My Epiphany

A couple of summers ago I was driving my piece of shit truck at mid-day. It was hot, 115 degrees hot. I'm thinking to myself what a loser I was. Sweating. Make-up ruined. Windows rolled down, split window open, hairs a mess. Wishing I had air-conditioning. Cursing at myself and my truck. Starting to feel sick from a heat you never quite get used to. In this frame of mind I'm sitting at a stop light. I look over to the right at the bus stop and see the people waiting there. It could be worse. I could be standing in the sun, waiting on a bus that may or may not have a/c. I could be walking in this shit. It could be worse.

At the end of the following summer my truck was broke and I was taking the bus. It took me two hours to get home everyday and I lived 5 minutes from work. What a loser I am. How did I let it get this bad. Oh look it's raining. Wonderful. I was having quite the pity party for myself sitting in the back of the bus. I was almost in tears. When I was getting off at my stop I noticed the man in front of me was on crutches, a plastic bag covering the cast on his leg to keep it dry. He hopped off the bus and onto the slippery sidewalk. I watched him carefully making his way down the street. I thought 'it could be worse, I could be him.' It could be worse.

Yesterday I was talking to a couple guys I work with. One of them had just lost 70lbs. He was sharing some tips and techniques he used to shed those pounds. Turns out the other guy I was talking to had dropped 130lbs a few years back. I had a hard time sharing. I have lost weight too, twice but was unable to stick with it either time and have put some of it back on. What a loser I am. If they can do it why can't I? I'm destined to be fat forever. I have been trying. I've been walking which worked for me before. I started in getting down on myself again. When I was leaving work this morbidly obese girl, about my age, went by me in a motorized wheel chair. As I walked past her, again I thought 'It could be worse.'

No matter how bad it gets...it could be worse.

If it gets to close
to the surface
and i can't breathe
my mask may fall
If I'm not careful
stuff it down
I'm still breathing
No one can get that close
to this part of me
My mouth is dry
but the danger is over
If I won again
why does it feel like
I always lose

-me

Noah has a book!

I know that I've been out of the blogging circle for quite some time now. Its a circle that can be very hard to get noticed in and, thru this last lapse in time, one can be very easily forgotten. There is really a lot of talent out there. Above all, my favorite talent and a real inspiration is Noah Grey. He now has a book. Way to go and I must say it's long over do. I'll be back to give a full report as soon as I get it.

I think that maybe the meds I take have killed my creativity. I used to write so much more than I do now. The sad thing is that I think it may be a fair trade. Let's see...writing in something I'm not too hot at anyway or being close to having cold steel against my teeth. I think I'll take the former and hope that I'm wrong. It's way better than the alternative...

what a long cold drive
my hearts a flame again
I should have known it would be
No resolve
The length of the prayer will bring no solace
the rain on my truck
in my hair and on your face
brings no baptism
no passage thru
and no cleansing
Forget you
when things were so right
Say what I want to hear
How could the truth be so foreign to you
When it is the gospel to me
so we pass by again
to leave this burning in front of us
and all we can do is stare
To stupid
either jump in
or put it out

-me