Somewhere I know this might be it, this maybe when. Maybe it will stop. I can hope. Writing this some time ago I never had the balls to put it in on here. I was told it's not the right time. When will it be? Twenty years? Thirty years? My death bed? Some may read this and think "get over it". You've not lived it. Sometimes during the year it crosses my mind but in October it begins to scratch my brain. It's coming. Open season. Maybe now I can and maybe, just maybe I'm not opening Pandora's box...

Wake Me Up When November Ends...

This may never see the light of day buy I'm writing it anyway. So if you see this and it disappears, I've changed my mind. There's a November thing that can't be explained, but I'm going to try. When I write about things that are bothering me it helps. Writing about this before (not here) scared me. Similar to that child like fear of the dark or monsters in the closet. If I put it on paper, the monster is real and not just in my head. The other day I realized its been 15 years, this November will be 15 years. Two people share this with me, we were together when it started and we've been together since. This is not the tie that binds us, but its a large thread woven into the fabric of our friendship. A "curse" sounds very over the top, mellow dramatic or whatever. There really isn't another name for it except "November" for the three of us. Usually I can be cryptic and vague on here and only tell exactly how much needs to be known. This can't be this way. Fuck it, here it goes...

When your fifteen it's not possible to look at your friend and think "dead". No matter how much blood there is, and not just blood. Even when the air is heavy with gun smoke. You can taste it. She's not moving. Some part of me knew and maybe that's what kept my feet weighted to floor. Kept me from going to her. Kept the nightmares from being worse than they were. When the cops arrived he couldn't hide the surprise on his face when I asked if she was alright. "She's gone, she never knew what hit her." He wanted to be sure I knew she didn't suffer. Not when it's a .357. She was here, and now she's not. Really part of me thought I could be wrong, maybe it was her leg he hit (there was blood there) and not her head. The whole thing is surreal, parts are in slow motion, yet I remember every detail as if it happened yesterday. The fear and complete shock on my two best friend's faces, must be exactly what they saw on mine.

That's where the November thing started. The following year my best friend's grandmother had a stroke and our friend Tim Purdy dropped dead at a movie theatre. We started to wonder. Two years later our grandparents were in a severe car accident and my husband lost his job, on the same day. We started to dread November. I won't go thru a whole timeline here, just some of the worst. Stella was shot on November 19th. Tim collapsed on November 19th, they pulled the plug November 21st. My stepmother lost her fight with cancer on November 19th. My son was mauled by a dog November 9th and my transmission went out two days later. My husband left on November 17th. My mother was in a car accident November 1st. My son had stitches in his head November 28th. My grandma passed away November 6th. I think you may get my point. I counted my blessings last November when the only thing that happened to me was my refrigerator quit working. The bottom line is it affected all three of us. Sometimes it's minor inconveniences, vehicles breaking or losing jobs. Death has touched this month repeatedly, no birth days in my family. We dread November and I'm tired of it. My original plan was to move to Colorado around the 15th of November if either of the jobs came thru. Screw the November thing. In the back of my mind something was saying do you really want to do that? With fourteen bad November's passed do you want to chance that the 15th one will be different somehow? My thought was maybe it was a good time to thumb my nose at it. Start something new. With the track record we have in this month it's probably not a good idea. Wake me up when November ends.

My People

Some thoughts were going thru my head after this last weekend. I really had fun. Live music, explosions, loud jets and men in uniform. What more could a girl ask for? Those things you can get anywhere most of the time. What really stuck out to me and made it fun was the people I was with. If it had just be me I would have enjoyed it, but it wouldn't have been the same. These are my people, my friends, the one's that know all about me and love me anyway. Taking the wrong bus and ending up lost at the speedway would have sucked if my friends weren't there laughing about how our fine Nevada "edumacation" was shining through. My friend and I both drooling over the same hotty in the straw cowboy hat downtown, laughing til we were in tears, arguing over which guy in the band (Halfway to Hazard) we were going to take home. Last night a couple of my friends had a great night and all we did was sit in the back of the truck drinking moonshine and bs'ing! Do I really want to leave that? Part of me knows you would never relocate for people, so why would you stay? The rule goes both ways right? For moments like that I could stay, might even be worth it. Then I think, sure it's easy to keep doing what I've been doing. Easier to stay miserable than take a huge leap of faith. I'll make friends in Colorado, I'm sure of it. This is the hardest part. They'll never compare to what I'm about to leave behind.

If Love Was A Plane

There's something that the majority of us keep subjecting ourselves to over and over. Even though we have a 100% failure rate we still keep trying. Searching for that heart pounding, butterfly creating, sleep depriving, all consuming love. Praying that when that newness finally fades that it has shifted to something deeper. That you're not left standing there wondering what the hell you were thinking, or worse you have shifted and the other person is wondering what they were thinking. There are forever people and there are right now people. When you take that leap...know which one you are. Forever people know that there is an emotion, beyond the heart thudding giddiness, that develops when that fades away. "Right now" people are just that, in it for right now. Once they can sleep again and the butterflies have vanished they are collecting their DVD's and clothes in search of the next new thing. The magic is gone. Next. You can see where a forever person might get the shaft here. If one would stop and think for a moment "Can I trust myself with their heart?", listen to your gut, know if you're not thinking of their feelings - let them go. Know yourself. Even with the odds against us, we still try. All we need to do is win one hand.

Yea, there's a new guy. Knowing that my intentions are to leave here, I treaded lightly. My stupid heart doesn't need somebody trying to convince me to stay. So I probed. Do you really like living here? Luckily he's been here long enough to not care for it anymore, he's on the fence. Either that or he didn't want to express enthusiasm to one side or the other. Screw it, I told him I was leaving and gave him his chance to bail, before either of us is in too far. His reaction? Can I go? Wasn't expecting that. So, I told him we'd cross that bridge IF we get to it. Another reaction that I wasn't expecting was the wounded look. So I said, "Not implying that's where we're headed, but realistically, have you ever had a relationship that didn't end?"

"Imagine now, the pilots voice, on the intercom right before we leave the ground.
Sayin, folks thanks for flyin with us, but there's a 6 in 10 chance we're goin' down.
If love was a plane, nobody'd get on."
-Brad Paisley