Tired

If for just one time there was something at the end of the struggle. A moment, a reason, time that happiness would touch me... Instead of paying for every occurrence. Like I pay ten times over for one shiny moment. To fall away into darkness again, down a twisted path where everything is just an obstacle. Nothing is easy. Not for a second. I'm tired, of everyday a struggle and nothing to show. Just one time I'd like have a moment that I don't end up paying for, a moment that doesn't have a dark biting reality to it, a moment to step back and say yeah I deserve this. Instead of just cold truths. That's me, that person that nothing quite works out for, yet things aren't quite that bad. Like walking down the center median. Tired of the status quo, just let me fail completely or... I dunno get it over with. Tired of being in the middle and looking at the bottom. I'm tired.

"It's like the bottom of the ninth
And I'm never gonna win
This life hasn't turned out
Quite the way I want it to be"

-Nickelback

"There's nothing ever wrong but nothing's ever right
Such a cruel contradiction"

-Shinedown

"My dad, he had a friend, lowdown till the end
Everything he did, it came out wrong
No matter how hard he tried
He never cheated, he never lied
Had a shotgun in his hand when he died

Everybody's got their own way, tomorrow's another day
Make of it what you will, as you're climbing up that hill
Always be prepared to pay"

-Cross Canadian Ragweed

Time Marches On

Tomorrow another year has passed. Another year older. As my friend pointed out the other night he's now closer to 30 than I am. Bite me. What did I do with it? Not much. Thinking tonight I may have surpassed the age where, if I were to die, people wouldn't see me with unfulfilled potential. I'd like to think that I still have some left. Some part of me is still longing to go to school, now before it's too late. Several fears associated with that. What if I sign up and I can't do it? Sometimes reading even a magazine article is difficult anymore. What field of study should I choose? What won't bore me and what would I be good at? Lastly, where the hell do I find the time? These questions loom whenever my mind wanders back to finishing the enrollment. Puts me in limbo again. If I sign up it also commits me to staying here. So I wait. Knowing there is a 50 year old me in the future probably aching to beat the hell out of a 32 year old me. Looking at that I should just do it, jump in, sink or swim. At least I could say I tried, or better yet maybe I could say I did it.

The future influences the present just as much as the past.

Alas! it is not till time, with reckless hand, has torn out half the leaves from the Book of Human Life, to light the fires of passion with, from day to day, that man begins to see that the leaves which remain are few in number.

— Longfellow

Who's Gonna Fill Their Shoes

So I went thru the country music chart today. Wondering what is happening to this genre of music that I was brought up listening to. Looking thru some of the names listed and I guess I just don't get it. One of the best songs listed, in my opinion, and maybe one of the most country songs out is by Darius Rucker. Remember him? Hootie and the Blowfish. He's gone country. At least he didn't go halfway. The beauty of country music is that there are so many sub-genres within it... bluegrass, folk, americana, outlaw, country fried rock, Bakersfield Sound, Western Swing, Rockabilly. It can and does encompass a lot of different styles. Now it seems to have gone to an extreme. It's become so commercial, diluted and soulless. Most of the crap that comes thru the radio, well it sucks. Listening to Taylor Swift the other day, really listening to her, the girl can't sing. She's nice to look at, writes some cute be-bop songs and bam straight to number one. That position used to be an honor, not a given due to marketing. But, damn girl, you look like you can sing. I thought payola was outlawed in the 60's? Been noticing that certain artists when their new songs come out within a few weeks that's where they are, number one. Quality of the music has become very bland and uninspired. The key item, the thing that's missing, write what you feel, from your heart and be damned if it's radio ready. Sing what you feel and somebody will identify with it. Thru the evolution of country very few artists actually do write their own material. Didn't mean it wasn't believable. You could feel George Strait's heart breaking during "Today My World Slipped Away" and he's happily married. You could feel Johnny Cash's envy of the people moving on the train in "Folsom Prison Blues", though he's never been incarcerated. It still came thru if even they didn't live it, it had substance and heart. Now we have been flooded by this influx of look alike, sound alike we're all "happy-not partying too much-we love our country-marry me for you are the air I breath" songs. Even some of the artists I do like are...going down the drain. They're balls have been removed. Like a conveyor belt of fabricated crap coming thru the radio. So diluted, so watered down, yet still so hard to swallow because it tastes like crap. Give it to me straight, make me laugh, make me dance, touch my heart or my mind. Get some emotion, or be over produced background noise.

"Put some drive in your country to keep country driving on" -Travis Tritt

"What happened to the music I loved so long ago
It seems it’s been forgotten on our country radio
Where a steel guitar and fiddle have become a novelty
What I’d give to make things like the way they used to be

That carbon copy music don't mean a damn to me
Hank Williams wouldn’t make it now in Nashville Tennessee"

-Jason Boland


"You won't hear four-letter words
Just me tellin' her
That she's the every breath I draw
And how I can't live without her
And I could never doubt her
'Cause she could never do no wrong

Yeah, it's a three minute positive
Not to country up-tempo love song
It's a way to tell her that I love her
But it can't be too long
There'll be no drinkin', no cheatin',
No lyin', no leavin'
That stuff it just don't belong
In a three minute positive
Not too country up-tempo love song"

-Alan Jackson

Bushel of Apples

Been telling myself that I'm not going to screw this one up. No games, no trying to figure stuff out, just letting it flow. The only thing I'm thinking is hiding, which is what we do. It wouldn't be new. So when, for the second time in as many weekends, we walked in and I saw that guy sitting at the bar I wanted to turn around and walk back out. Telling myself fkn behave. So what if he looks identical to him, it isn't him. Behave and look away, focus on who brought you here. Watched him walk to the jukebox, from my vantage point I could see what his selections were, and I couldn't stop the smile. He knows. As the songs played you asked me if I put them in, you didn't see me get up. Nope, someone else must enjoy him too, it's not just me. You noticed him then and didn't leave my side until he was gone. Asked around to see who he was. This is where previous statements come back to bite me. Took you to that concert months ago because he is sooo much better live. You might remember comments I made back then. Something along the lines of wanting to be stranded on deserted island with him. Just to keep it clean. Am I tempted? Sure. Am I stupid? Nope. Tell God your plans, make sure to tell him you're serious. Listen for the laughter. Think you can behave and you're sure this is what you want? Fine here's a Gary Allan replica for ya! The ultimate temptation. Shiny apple.

Can still hear the echo of laughter.

PS

Normally I don't write things with the purpose of them going on here. Writing happens, some things I post some I don't. After re-reading the previous post I was going to delete it. Too negative. Instead I decided to do a PS sorta of thing. There was a lot of bitching going on. There a lot of people a whole lot worse off than I am, and a lot more who are better off. I know how lucky I am. Everyday I wake up and go to work. My vehicle is parked in front of the home that I help pay for. My son is at home to argue with me instead of out on the streets or gone. What kills me are the things he has to miss out on, either becuase it's out of our reach or now he's sentencing himself to a life of scraping by. Just wanted so much more for him.

Doomed to Repeat

Looking back on last night everything was fine until she came home. Resulting in another argument, but this time between the boy and me. He told me he had no intention of finishing high school, it's a waste of time. You didn't graduate and you're ok. What? I didn't have a choice! They kicked me out for being hospitalized because that put me over my allowed absences. You are making the choice. Be like me, what a great example. Struggle every paycheck, trying to figure out what to do when there's more month than there is money. There are no extras I can eliminate, no extravagances to let go of. What goes by the way side? For me it's medication, doctor's, dentist, clothing, gas, school, next is going to be the phone, the list is endless. If I can't afford it I don't need it. If I didn't earn it, I don't want it. Sure I'd love to get my teeth cleaned before I lose them, love to be able to discuss the knee MRI results with my doctor and find out why it keeps giving out. Hey I can still eat and walk, so it's not that bad. Nothing ibuprofen can't handle. Then there's the little things that I have, not that big a deal for others maybe, but when you don't have much every bit counts. The stereo in my truck for example, hours of entertainment and a great stress relief for me. Gone, stolen. When will it be replaced? Never. See the above list. In comparison where does a stereo rank? Good at prioritizing, usually. Rent before entertainment. What I'm getting at is I don't see an end to it. It just keeps going, going and going. Being beat down for so long, from so many angles in so many ways. You stop lifting your head up at all. Scared to hope or dream because it hurts when it dies, dream something long enough it becomes part of you. Some die hard. Try not to think about things in the past I could have changed, looking back you always know the answers. What scares me, what makes me lose sleep is the future. The fear that the outcome is always going to be the same and my ability to change it is as futile as trying to change what has passed. Stuck in this house, stuck in this city, stuck in this life that feels more like a tomb everyday. It was all worth it when I thought we were a team, now that I know we're not and the past is doomed to repeat itself on my son I feel like everything was for nothing. Left standing alone, still empty handed.

The Dance

Choking on my words. Even if they are only in my head. Called you Saturday night because I owed you. Wanted to tell you we have to stop and it can go no further for the sake of our friendship. Those words were never spoken out loud. Lying to myself. Knowing when you hugged me that those words would never reach your ears, not tonight. We listened to "The Dance", my favorite song for the last 20 years, you explained how you fell for it when I showed it to you, we listened to "Look After You" and you asked me to sing it to you like I did one night a long time ago (you must be tone deaf). Lost in conversation about music for hours. If you ever reach me, if you ever get thru I think you may be on the right path. Using different songs to show me things. Speaking my language. Moments like that are tearing me in half, part saying we need to stop, part says this is amazing. Hard to walk away from, but it still has to be done.