Regret

You made me trust you more than anyone in a long time. Let you have a key to my truck, I would have given you a key to my house. You would never do anything to hurt me, either physically or emotionally. You were there for me so many times. Even just to talk to, you listened to me. I wanted to hear what you said. Never felt like u were raping my ear or forcing things on me. Not once. I learned so much from you, not just geeky stuff. Things about life, things about people and brought me back to a reality I had forgot was there. One that was not jaded. A genuine goodness I didn't know existed in people anymore. Sure we irritated each other sometimes, but you always made me laugh. You always made me feel good. I tried to do the same thing in return. We clicked. Ebb and flow. Sometimes I felt like our friendship was one sided, that you were doing all the work. Struggling with that, I tried to do everything I could for you. Tried to find a balance, maybe I was trying too hard. Sometimes I felt like my time with you was borrowed, you would do things at times that were so amazing to me surely you must be a dream that I would wake up from. You and Tammy are the best friend's I ever had in my life. I drank too much last night, even though I really didn't want to again after that one incident about 6 weeks ago, said somethings I shouldn't have and I lost you. Now I wonder if I really know how to be a friend and I'm sorry I hurt you. Now that everyone is gone no one will see that last lesson you taught me about drinking too much. Since no one is left does it matter?

"And it might take some time to patch me up inside
but I cant take it so I, I run away and hide
And I might find in time that you were always right
You're always right. "

"You were the one to show me how
Back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now.
This thing is slowly taking me apart.
Grey would be the color if I had a heart."

Office Space: Can you hear me now?

Just something quick here, an update I guess even thought I really don't do those. My hatred for my job will hopefully end within the next 4 days. Four days left of working my damn brain into a frazzle for nothing. In case no one has figured it out... I work for a large cell phone company right now (under an outsourcer). QA, Quality Assurance. You know when you call a company and it says "This call maybe monitored or recorded for Quality Assurance purposes"? Yeah, that's me. I LOVE the QA job, love teaching people how to do customer service. Love to give feedback and help them improve. Working for this new business doesn't let me do that. My job requirement is to sit at my desk all day and pump out an impossible number of evaluations that the agent never sees. Pointless. Ineffective. The number they are requiring is preventing me from doing them accurately. For the first time in the almost 11 years I've worked there I know I'm not doing a good job. They can have quality or quantity, not both. Hate this feeling of being totally useless. So when the previous client I worked for came back I was all over it. Loved the company. Even though I won't get to be a QA for them anymore. Just taking calls. FROM HOME. Starting next week. And it's not even my birthday...

To be continued...

Involuntary

I didn’t want to know.

I didn’t want your secret.

It weighs too much for me to carry.

It has totally changed how I see you both.

You should have known better, and yet you still won.

You have no idea that I know and why I can’t look at you anymore.

Sometimes it keeps me up at night, yet you seem fine. How do you live with yourself?

Live Like You Were Dying

There is a moment I think most have in there lives at sometime, towards the end, maybe during a horrific event, an odd diagnosis from a doctor. Fear isn't exactly the word for it. It's turning and facing your own mortality. Seeing that things may go on without you. Reflection on what you didn't do, that's where my mind went. Everything I haven't done. My moment came almost two years ago now. Walking in a daze from the retina specialist office after 3 hours of testing. Next they needed to send me to UCLA in California for a test they couldn't perform in this state. Just heard words like "stroke, blood clot, aneurysm, tumor". Pulling into the McDonald's on Green Valley this song came on the radio, alone, I cried not knowing if there was a time bomb in my head. Looking back now, I clung to that song. Identifying more with it than I ever had before. I lived it.

Remembering the first time I heard it really listened to it, almost brought me to my knees in the kitchen. Cooking dinner, I had the radio on instead of a CD. It couldn't have been more than a week or so after my step mom died of cancer. Her third time around they had only given her a few weeks. She held on 5 months to see her grand baby. Born on Sunday, she let go on Friday morning.

Gave forgiveness I'd been denying, I let my sister in again. Texting her to find out if they were one of the people stuck in the evacuation attempt out of Houston. The anticipated arrival of Hurricane Rita had the freeways gridlocked.

"Don't tell mom, we'll be fine and we're not leaving."
"Mom maybe be pretty unobservant sometimes but I think she may notice a big fkn hurricane heading for your city."

Our first conversation in 3 years. Eventually I let her know that she could blame the song for it.