Random act of kindness

So I've been going through the hiring process for a government job. Had the courage to apply, went through the testing phase, working on the SF86 background check form. I researched and researched this job and it seems to fit in every way. Today they called for the next phase, some kind of interview. The guy went through this ten minute spiel on the requirements and expectations of employment, most of it quoting verbatim from the website I already read. No surprise. Until he got to the part about visible tattoos...wtf? All the crap I read NEVER mentioned that, and I was looking for it. So I agreed to the interview anyway, not mentioning the red, white and blue butterfly on my hand. Then frantically began googling ways I might be able to cover it up. Found something called dermablend sold at Dillard's. Not someplace that I can afford to frequent but I went there anyway. My first trip to a make-up counter. So I explained my plight to the make-up magician. This woman worked and worked on me with a product she was not familiar with. Not her counter. Wrong color, wrong coverage, wrong this and that. She was hellbent on getting it to work though and brought in help. With the expertise of the new woman we finally got it covered up and it looked great. Dottie, the new woman, turned to the first and said "I know we just got all this new stuff in, just give her the color tester to take home, she shouldn't have to buy this stuff for an interview." She palmed the little jar and acted like she was shaking my hand, the jar disappeared in my pocket. The first woman brought me over to her counter to put powder on their creation and set it. She went over how important the right powder was, then got this puzzled look and said something about the jar being too big. Ducking behind the counter, she dumped a bunch of the powder from the tester in some kleenex. Folding it into a makeshift envelope, she taped it closed and handed it to me. All I could manage was 'thank you' when she wished me luck. I could feel the tears coming. How did they know? I never said a word. Unless they could see it on my face, this random act of kindness meant more to me that they could ever know.

This too shall pass...

You're the edge I just stepped off of... Why do I get nervous around you? I shouldn't be anymore. Dropping things, laughing too much, running red lights. I've not acted like such a retard in my life, I need a helmet... You're gonna bail. Leave me behind. Part of me wants you to go, get it over with. You will forget me and move on. There's something about you I can't put my finger on, so I think the worst. Is that "something" you've changed your mind or are you nervous too? You said you can't just turn it off and I believe you. While I fight with myself to keep from running, so I'm trying to stand back. You go out of your way for me, do things with me that I don't even have to ask for. People don't surprise me in a good way normally, and you've surprised me more than anyone I've ever known. The more I know the more I want to know, and that just doesn't happen. Still I feel like I've only scratched the surface, that there's something hiding beneath. We've both been too alone, too injured for too long for this to work right. We're teetering between friendship and the next level, friendship is easier. Friendship is not going to get me hurt. Friendship doesn't make promises destined to be broken. Being alone is easy, I'm used to it. If you don't try you are guaranteed to fail, but in this case the failure isn't that bad because maybe it never should have gone this far. Now that we've said it where do we go from here? Words could never express how sorry I am to have hurt you. That's one end I'm not used to being on, and actions I'm not used to making. Moments I never thought I was capable of. Why does something so good have to be so hard? And yet you're still here...

"I'm always easier to catch
Than I've ever been to hold
I'm a twisted rose, a tangled weed
The last thing that I need
Is to want you
Cause I don't want to"

-T.Y.

Maybe...ships passing

How many mistakes will you watch me make before you walk away? Working on quite the collection right now. How blind will you allow me to be? You tried to hide, but I saw, and I ignored it. It couldn't possibly be real, I had to of misunderstood. It was there every time, and I knew but pretended not to. So I stupidly ran. Maybe I fell down because something hurt when I ran. Are you being patient? Even when you said it out loud to me after I fucked up, I dismissed it and told you I didn't want to hurt you because I know how I am. It was never awkward, it never could be. It's you and me. What it must have taken for you to tell me and I barely acknowledged your words. Didn't want to hear them, couldn't believe you said them. Finally it caught up to me, in a ton of bricks sort of way, and I know it wasn't you I ran from. It was me. Did you know you can't run from what you feel inside? Distance and time never killed this, but my foolishness, stupidity and hurting you may have. Maybe I'll say it, maybe I can get it out before it's too late. Maybe the "what ifs" will stop keeping me up at night. Maybe you won't laugh at me and tell me to kick rocks. Maybe you won't be angry, maybe you're not angry now. If you are, I deserve it. Maybe you didn't have any "rights" to be pissed, but you weren't wrong for feeling the way you did. Maybe you forgave me, but I still have to forgive myself. Maybe your friendship is worth me keeping my mouth shut....maybe it won't hurt you if I do.

This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait?
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

-Nickelback