Hermit

Where to go...what to do... Over the last year I've lost more friends than I can count. There was something I wrote on Friday that I thought was pretty accurate, now I know it's not. More on that in a minute. The time here is to find something within, to buck up and deal with life on my own. Several months ago I believed life was not meant to be lived on your own, I wrote something on here about it. For me at the time that may have been true, the season has changed. After next month my two best friends will have moved away. When I saw them last in August I truly believed then would be the last. One more time, in about two weeks they will be here. Then everyone will be gone. As of this moment I haven't spoken to anyone since Monday, the urges I had to call or text I ignored and held it in. It just doesn't matter. Too many people are gone. Some for reasons known, others just vanished with no word to say why. Must be my fault in all cases, I shoulder the blame even when I know its not mine. Whatever the circumstance, I wish them well. Not feeling bad, just very alone. As it should be.

Funny how fast things can change, it wasn't my right to do this and now I know. This is what I wrote on Friday:

The silence craved, the avoidance of uncomfortable don't give a fuck conversations forced on me, ended by working from home. Don't have to talk to anybody if I don't want to, unless it's work related. A few months ago all I wanted was silence. My own internal turmoil, spinning in my brain, thoughts that I couldn't control or get any kind of handle on, craved absolute exterior silence. Except a couple select people. There was only a handful that I sought there voice, wanted there company. Would seek them out in moments of anguish just to listen to them speak, to hear something outside of my own head. The rest of the world reminded me of a Charlie Brown cartoon...Wah wah wah. Moving away from that now. Still seek them but gone is that desperate grip of the drowning. There are passing moments that feel like it's starting over, then I see clear skies and think it'll be alright.