What Was I Thinking

Two dates in a week, that's pretty good for me I guess. Two ends of the spectrum. Not so nice guy, dinner and a movie carried a price with him. Set an expectation of what he was going to get by the end of the night, whether he had to take it or not. End result, fuck you leave me the hell alone. The other was the same, dinner and a movie with someone who was actually nice. Awesome night, no pressure just kinda flowed. The end result? The next day I thought about how great it was, yet still never want to see him again. Why ruin it? Part of the movie How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days kept playing thru my head. In the beginning of the movie, Andie is walking from Ben's apartment, he leans over the balcony and she waves he says, under his breath, "Oh you are already fallin in love with me." Down in the street, outside the cab, waving, she says thru forced smile, "I'm going to make you wish you were dead". So I accepted an invite to lunch. Focusing on the conversation. Not thinking about anything more than the moment. Not the end, not tomorrow. Knowing how I can be, now not willing to repeat the sins of the past. Go easy, refrain from those things I've seen me do to drive people away. Usually I set the bar too high, or throw the bar away all together. Equally bad and leave me feeling like shit. Thinkin I'll look for middle ground, hold on loosely and see what happens before I decide to go.

The rest of the story... He crossed my mind again, moving along the border of "this might be good". Brushing my teeth in the shower. Trying to keep from dropping the toothbrush again with my newly retarded right hand. It struck me, I had forgot exactly the reason for not wanting a boyfriend anymore. How should I tell him? When does it cross that line from being something withheld to keep from freaking him out right away to a lie by omission? Why would I burden anybody with it. Realized too, while I was struggling with the toothbrush, that he gave me an out. Gave me an out... Not interested in staying here any longer, he brought it up the other day. Would I be interested in leaving too? He plans on moving in the spring and asked if I would go. So, I just tell him I changed my mind. Who would get involved with anybody if they plan on moving away? Maybe not the best way, it would be an impasse and a choice he can easily make right now, before it goes to far. Kind of chickenshit, I know. There's no way I'll ask that of anyone, just not an option. What was I thinking.

On a side note...it's not fair to him either that I keep comparing him to someone. He'll fall short. Just like I did.