How can he still look at me like that? How do we still know what the other is thinking? He shouldn’t be allowed to look at me like that, cuz I always knew before what it meant. I know what that smile says. Yet I also see him as he is, when I first see him. He won’t smile, he doesn’t laugh. Not at first. That’s when he’s still in his current life. After awhile he regains his old self. The one I knew. Then it’s time to go. Then I see it or he says it. The regret. I see him shredding himself from the inside out and no forgiveness from me will stop it. I usually cry, he does sometimes. Burying my needle on tha freeway gets me nowhere fast. My truck will never take me where it is I wanna go. Instead is taking me away. Not far enough. You can’t run from what’s inside. It will never be what I want it to. Maybe I’ll blow a tire and this will all be over. Then I won’t have to remember that smile and then later that look that says it all. The honest truth is I’ve got my own blender going on tha inside. Knowing that he is it. There will not be anyone else. I watch him walk away again.

After reading something earlier it reminded me of an incident that happened several years ago. I can't say it crosses my mind a lot but maybe it should. I do think of it each Christmas and wonder. Wonder where my friends have gone.

It was the beginning of December of 1998. My fiancée and I had tied the knot finally after 5 years, we were 6 months into our marriage. His father's family had invited us to there yearly Christmas party in Utah, outside Salt Lake. We had already left our house and was heading for the freeway when, as usual we realized something had been forgotten, an turned around. When we were heading back out my husband's ex friend showed up at the door, we both told him to leave and did not mention our trip to him. Utah was awesome, they received 15 inches of snow the night before. It was picture perfect, all of it.

That was the end of the perfection for several days. We walked into a house with dirty dishes everywhere, most of our food gone, cigarette butts everywhere (we did not smoke in the house). I will not describe the disgust left in the bathroom or the garage. He had slept in our bed, and worn my husbands clothes. Apparently a mutual friend of my husband's had let slip that we were going to be out of town for four days. His former friend, who had greeted us at the door when we were leaving, had broke into the house and stayed there while we were gone. It wasn't until I hit the ATM machine that I realized the full extent of the damage. He had taken my ATM card the night before and withdrew the daily limit. All of the money we had for Christmas and the bills, food etc. I lost it at that point. Not only had this prick violated my sense of security by breaking into my home, he had taken food and Christmas from my family. Over the next several days we put all the pieces together of what had happened, had all of our ATM cards destroyed and reissued with new PIN numbers, and borrowed what we could to meet our monthly obligations. Christmas was going to be bleak. We couldn't even afford a tree. Luckily we only had a little left to pay on the couple items we had in layaway for our son, so there were at least a few things that he would get. But no tree? No food? I had been looking forward to baking things with my son (not to mention just having money for dinner). Decorating a tree. Vacuuming pine needles for days. To me it's not Christmas until your house smells like pine and you have tinsel stuck to your clothes. I wouldn't be able to buy a thing for my husband, or he anything for me. We would get thru it somehow. It was only one Christmas. Yet I kept thinking it was the only Christmas our son would have when he was 5. He would be old enough to remember this as an adult. I wanted so much to instill the wonder of the season in him because I firmly believe it's something you learn as a child. Little did I know how much he would learn.

Several days later a mutual friend and my husbands co worker showed up at the door with bags and bags of groceries. She had heard about what happened, what he had done. God was I grateful for the food. Then this funny thing called pride popped up and I tried telling her that we would be fine. She knew better and ignored me (Thank you Barb, wherever you are). Later on the same day a friend of mine asked me to help him shop for groceries. He was very excited that he would have his children home for Christmas but was stumped on what to buy and how to make the money stretch for there stay. After going shopping with him we stopped by a Christmas tree lot. My son got very excited and asked if we were going to finally get a tree. I hushed him. My friend told me to wait in the car, but my son got out and ran after him. I saw him talking to one of the workers. I didn't want this to happen I KNEW what he was doing and up popped that pride again. The man was talking to my son and pointing at a small tree. He started jumping up and down. My friend walked back to the car with the tree and my son absolutely glowing. I asked what he thought he was doing. "Helping a friend, a friend who has helped me out too." I looked at him, I couldn't argue the point. He was right. Besides how could I say no? This wasn't about me, I kept reminding myself. Thank you, Anthony, I miss you.

Now things were looking better. A little more like Christmas. We had a decorated tree, a few presents under it and some damn good friends. Christmas morning I heard the doorbell ringing. 7am, good god who could that be. There was nobody out there. I opened the door to look out but couldn't push the screen open. There was a huge box on the front porch. Puzzled, I hollered for my husband. He brought the box into the living room. Written in red marker on the top was "Merry Christmas from Santa Claus". It was huge microwave box full of boys toys, really nice things. I couldn't think of a single person I knew who would be awake at 7am let alone have the money for this. I got on the phone and woke them all up trying to find out who did this. I wouldn't deny my son the gifts but whoever it was deserved a thank you at least. Hanging the phone up. I turned to say something to my husband and very irritated he said "Nat, let it go. It's from Santa, it doesn't matter ok?" Our son was standing there looking at us both. He said "So there really is a Santa, or was it God? He knew we needed help." That was the best Christmas I remember, ever. And thank you God for sending those angels into our lives. I no longer wonder who it was, just happy that it was. Whoever you are, thank you.

Wow has it really been almost a month? This time has gone by so fast for some reason. Jesus and I turned (cough) 26. Did that really need to happen? I mean what's left now. I've already hit all the important age milestones:
16: Driving
18: voting, cigarettes and woohoo I'm an adult
21: BEER and LEGAL gambling (I'm in Vegas right)
25: Car insurance discount (lame I know)
So can the birthdays just stop now. I feel like I'm getting closer to 30. I feel it knocking on my door and I don't want to let it in. I'm getting closer to ages I thought were old when I was younger. I can honestly say it's been 10 years since I set foot inside my high school. The funny thing is I'm worse off now than when I was 18. Damn by 26 I should have all this shit together right? Hahaha, at 25 I did. Now I'm starting over and if the rumours I hear about bankruptcy are true I should be able to start my life again in oh say... 10 years. I'm living my life backwards. I really just hope I'm not saying all this when I'm 36. Did I really just use that in a sentence....just shoot me now.
Though I guess the bright side would be I still get carded all the time and it's still for cigarettes ;o)

Ex shows up to pick up our son as I was walking out the door to do the thing that I have found is easiest on all of us. Drop him off with the grandparents. My ex then retrieves him from there...grandparents get to see everyone, I don't have to, everything is good. Usually to see him for the 5 minutes it takes my son to gather his stuff to go leaves me with a feeling of wanting to blow my brains out. He reaches for me...I pull away...he says "What now you can't fucking touch me anymore?"

"I don't know can I? Didn't I lose that right when you walked out?"

"Nevermind."

And Whammo! he shuts down to anything I have to say after that and switches into Let's go! Let's go! mode. Which is frustrating as hell.
The funny thing is we still hang out. On the days we hang out everything is fine. We talk and get along great, just like when we were together. To the point of it's uncomfortable... kinda like "What the hell are we doing?" It feels like nothing is different. Everyone says it's not supposed to be that way. You get along for the kids, you distance yourself etc etc. When does that happen? When do you start blowing off yer best friend because you're supposed to? Am I supposed to hate him? Isn't he supposed to hate me? This is just soooooo confusing....

When the thoughts consume me
I go walk in there world
Silent as the stone beneath where they lay
There words have died
There stories have ended
But upon the walls and tombs
Are memories
Brought to them
By the bereaven
Who remember birth and death
Love and hate
Forgotten
About every worry
All they know is that they may never have said
They knew the difference
Young and old
Side by side
Some too soon
Others maybe not soon enough
There walls empty
Faded flowers
Which would I be
Trespasses forgotten
Or forgotten?
If now I’m gone
My chapter closed
Are all the words written where I want?
When time passes by
What will there be
Ashes
But will there be anyone
Who remembers me

- me

So I haven't posted anything in a minute.... busy busy busy. Running in circles, getting lost, getting found, getting lost again.... I do have one major bitch about the time change. People who sleep at night, all normal, get an hour of extra sleep right? Those of us working graveyard get an extra hour of work. Yay!
My 2nd major bitch for this week will be lodged against my son's school read the letter here....it's titled "school board". It's way too long to post here.

I'm sure anyone who actually looks at this has noticed the color changes, please bear with me on this!

What the hell is a loser? After repeatedly having this discussion with a friend of mine, I'm trying to figure out what exactly a loser is. I always kind of thought I was one, somebody where things just never went quite right for, but stayed at a level decent enough to keep you from blowing your brains out. You can't ALWAYS lose. You win a few, lose many more. To me that was a loser. To me my friend is not a loser. He is a victim of circumstance. He has way too many positive qualities, things that people are just born with, to be a loser. His definitions of a loser has to do with material things (house, vehicle, job etc), or lack of. By his definition I am not a loser. If you have all those things and are not happy and are dead inside, existing day to day, no talents, no friends and nothing to look forward to would you still be a winner? I wouldn't think so. Being a loser is a frame of mind. Some people can't help it, they're just that way. But if you're happy does it really matter? I think that's the step a lot of people
miss, including myself. If you're not happy with yourself, you need to change it. You can't be anything or do anything if you're not happy with who you are. You can't be for anyone else either, if you're not comfortable with who you are how can you expect anyone else to be? It's like trying to start out on the third rung on the ladder, it's a bitch and you're eventually gonna wind up on yer ass. You have to be for yourself first. Starting from scratch sux and everyone has to at one time or another. It doesn't make you a loser just because you've lost material things. I think the only way yer a loser is when you lose yourself or compromise your values.

I had an amazing weekend. I love to drive. So when my friend in Long Beach said come get me - I did. Vegas to I think it was Lakewood or something like that in less that 4 hours. I burned a couple cds, which in hindsight I prolly should have burned more than a couple. They were fine for me on tha way there, but country mixed with metal on tha way back prolly didn't agree with him. So music, red bull, very little sleep and curiosity got me there. Curiosity? Cali. I hadn't been there in over 10 years and I've never driven there. I wanted to see the ocean. Get out of Vegas for a minute. I wanted to help my friend. I wanted to see his world. I wanted to see him. I know he was happy to see me and glad I got him back here. It was good catching up. Looking back on it thou, that does seem kind of weird for a girl to drive that far to pick somebody up. A guy. I must have alterior motives aye? If I do, I dunno what it is. Maybe to see the ocean.... and I love to drive. Sleep in a motel room. Be out of my world for awhile. Not think about it if I don't want to. My world currently sux. Then again my world with my friend added back to it seems a little more complete. Friends do that.

The little about me part may be difficult to sum up. I have chosen to start this blog near the end of the worst year of my life. I'm still trying to figure out who "me" is. I thought I knew who I was. I mean I can quote you facts...my fav colors are purple and green (yum), I love Nascar (Go Tony!) and I'm totally stuck on Alice in Chains right now. I was happy and totally comfortable in my day to day life. Work, husband, son, two dogs, a cat, two cars, a house, the whole suburban thing. I was totally living my dream. In less than a year all I have left is my two dogs and my son. And my job, sort of. In a way I guess I'm standing in the rubble, just trying to sort it out. I no longer have a clue as to what I want out of life. I had it all figured out at one time. Now I have no idea cuz those dreams were not mine alone. I'm starting to forget what those goals were. I'll tell you what it's a bitch to wake up every morning and not know why. I'd never lived like that before. Before I lived day to day always looking at the future. Now, it's like I'd rather hide my head than see what is up ahead. So it was just day to day...whatever to get me by. I'm learning a lot thou, about what I'm about. ME not the Me\Him anymore.... A good friend told me the bottom line is you have to live with yourself, you have to be happy with you. That's where I'm headed and that's the piece of advice I keep coming back to.

Ok, so I did it. Now I have one. A blog of my very own.... Now what? Where from here? Maybe a little about me... I know that this will be much easier once I get this keyboard replaced, this one has gotten a little selective about the letters that work.