I'm feelin trapped, a little cornered. Like a dog on it's back. Some times I feel like screaming because I let myself get here. One line keeps running thru my head. "Show your belly like you want me to." I could walk away. I could run. Yet there's this little voice that keeps nagging me telling me to hold on. That he's actually worth it. It's so easy to listen to that voice and ignore the one that's telling me to get out now, before it's too late, before you're too far gone. What have I always lived by? "I could have missed the pain, but I'd of had to miss the dance." In other words I can't know happiness without the possibility of pain. No one ever mentioned to me that it would be hard to let someone in again. I feel like a dog that's been cornered and I'm trying really hard not to bite. That outstretched hand may not be a menace. Then again what's he holding behind his back...

Quotes Of The Week

"We judge ourselves by what we feel capable of doing, while others judge us by what we have already done." - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (credit to ac for that one)

I believe the internet is an information source, not a lifestyle choice.

Only dead fish go with the flow.

Education is the ability to listen to anything without losing your temper or self confidence.

There are times when I catch myself thinking and I wish I could stop. Just not think for awhile. Something gets into my brain and it's like a burr, a sliver, and I can't stop until it's been eradicated. Until I've picked it apart and seen it from every angle. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. No one should think like this. It's not healthy. This prevents me from enjoying simple things because I have to make them more than they are. I want to accept things at face value. No more turning over shiny pennies and looking for the tarnish, or for that matter, turning over cruddy pennies and looking for the shine. It's not pessimism here. I look for the good in the crap, and the crap in the good. Not everything can be multifaceted like I expect. Sometimes things just are and it's not for me to figure it out. What scares me is the quote I listed below... "Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know." Supposedly said by Ernest Hemingway. Anyone remember his cause of death?

Oh he's going to hurt me for this!!! He actually said "this better not end up on the internet..." He's goooooood thou, seriously good. Wanna hear? It's him singing at the Roadhouse. I'm going to try and get a better recording soon...

Friday Five

When was the last time you...

1. ...went to the doctor?
When the starter went out on my truck. I ruptured a disc in my back pushing my truck up and down the driveway for 45 minutes trying to get it to start. I was also beating on it with a wrench. So it went: Try to start it. Curse lots. Get out on my hands and knees in the gravel under the truck. Hit the starter. Back in the truck. Try to start it. Curse lots. Get out push it up and down the driveway. Try to start it. Curse lots. Repeat. I couldn't walk the next day.

2. ...went to the dentist?
October of 2002. I had an infection from jammed food in my gums. My gums swelled up enough to seperate my lower front teeth. The dentist likened it to removing a splinter. I'd rather give birth again. After 8 shots of novacain, lots of blood, some tears and about an hour he got it all out. He was nice enough to call me the next day, from home on a Saturday, to see how I was doin. Better than some guys I've dated.

3. ...filled your gas tank?
Ummm a month ago. Never fill it up unless I'm goin on a roadtrip. I'm pretty impatient and a $5 will usually do the trick.

4. ...got enough sleep?
Never, working graveyard makes that next to impossible.

5. ...backed up your computer?
This thing has a reverse??? ;) When the mood strikes. Not often enough. My pictures and my mp3's are permanetly located on an external USB drive. And yes I do tech support so I know the importance of backing up.

Just some random thoughts…hehehe….

I’m wondering what kind of grade I’m going to get on my son’s 5th grade science project…we used gummy bears.

Coke had the same effect that peroxide did…scary.

I’m proud of the hole my dog dug in the backyard, it’s impressive.

My boyfriend sang me Good Morning Beautiful on my voice mail once.

I once answered the “what are you thinking about” question honestly with my ex-boyfriend.

I was thinking about buying a paint by numbers. He laughed and said he loved me.

I did not return the favor.

I outran a cop once. In the same car my ex-husband drove off an overpass.

I should be cleaning, but I think I’m just going to go to sleep.

Ni-night.

New Addition
Quotes of the week:

Life gets interesting once you know you can bail yourself out instantly.

When life hands you lemons ask for tequila and salt.

"Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know" - Ernest Hemingway

To fall in love is to create a religion that has a fallible god.

She knows this all too well. Pulling deep inside herself. Isolation. Trying to hide. Turn off the burning, radiating from the inside out. A fire fueled with deception and lies. Every road leads here. Shunned or accepted. Acceptance is lies yet to be revealed. The path is the same only with different faces and names. Different lies to cover the same truth. You're not enough. Never will be. Nowhere do you belong.

Here I am. At work. Again. Bored. I knew that they would eventually move him to another post. That's what security companies do. I've been here six years I know this. What I didn't know is that I would miss him so fucking much. I don't even want to be here (not that I ever really did anyway). He made it bearable for the last couple of months. It's probably better that we don't work together. He's got a better position where they moved him to. It is a hospital so if he gets hurt, help is right there. Dammit, there are nurses thou. I'm trying to find a bright side to this and it's not working. I just want him here, with me, like always. I want to feel safe again. I don't feel like that with the toothless grandpa guarding the entrance now. Another side of it is maybe we can use the breathing room. I woke up this morning to 25 voice mails on my cell and 6 on my landline. The phones still ringing. He couldn't get a hold of me for two hours and was checking the hospital to see if I was there. How sweet, our first fight was on Valentine's Day. And here I sit, missing him so I guess it's all good.

Unconscious Mutterings
1 Identity:: thief
2 Reveal:: too much
3 Live:: loud
4 Attitude:: negative
5 Night:: dark
6 Nevada:: desert (my home btw)
7 Weekend:: sleep
8 Write:: blank (writer's block???)
9 Friend:: person
10 Seventeen:: magazine

Meghan did this really cool post about love. One of the best descriptions I've ever read.

On a side note... This is what a llama looks like about a second before it decides it does not want to be hugged...

Do men love the way that women do? Can you love that way more than once? I’m talking about that all consuming, heart pounding, knee weakening, insomnia causing kind of love. The kind of love that gradually turns into something deeper. Where you crave no one but her. Does that happen more than once in a lifetime? Or once burned do you always hold something back? I know that the whole magic to first love is that you really think that it will never end. Knowing that it can end, and the pain of real heart break, can a person ever love that way again? Comments Please!

This is a little screwy... How can it say that the probability of two disorders that seem the exact opposite of each other is high for me? That's crazy! Ummm or maybe I am??? ;) It would be like being pulled in two directions. I'm avoidant. I'm dependent. Ewww that would be confusing.

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Low
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	Moderate
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Moderate
Histrionic:	Moderate
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	High
Dependent:	Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Low
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

Unconscious Mutterings

1.Ignore:: blank
2.Death:: skeleton
3.Missy:: trouble
4.Ballet:: slippers
5.Guest:: card
6.Campus:: college
7.Lonely:: isolated
8.Company:: business
9.Helicopter:: blades
10.Sterile:: kids

Just a little word association...