Things Change

Enough time has gone by I doubt you read this anymore (or if you ever did). You know how writing makes me feel better, like removing a splinter. This one has festered long enough. Just for the record, and I know I told you anyway, I didn't mean to break your heart or mine in the process. Sometimes things change, at least we could agree on that. Losing someone else was never my intention and I never meant to push you away. There's so many things about you I miss, and some I don't. Muddling along was ok for me, for awhile, even after I knew it wasn't working out. It was like the elephant in the living room no one wants to talk about. Walking around it, setting your coffee on it and looking under it to watch TV doesn't mean it's not there anymore. We could talk about everything except us. Maybe if we had of things would have been different. Life lesson number 7,342... at the expense of something else that could have been good. Maybe not forever good, but for awhile good. We'll never know.

'There ought to be a town somewhere
Named for how I feel
Yeah I could be the mayor down there
And say ‘welcome to sorryville’
It wouldn’t be on a map no where
You might say that it don’t exist
But if you make enough wrong turns
It’d be hard to miss
There ought to be a bridge somewhere they could dedicate to me
I'd probably come to the ceremony with a can of gasoline
Walk on over to the other side
Where I'd light a match
Sit and stare through the smoke and flames and wonder how I'm gonna get back
Why do I do the things I do?
Was I born this way or am I self made fool?
I shoot the lights and I curse the dark
I need your love but I break your heart
And I know the words that’ll bring you back
But I don’t say nothing as I watch you pack
I had to work to become the jerk I've come to be
It ain’t easy being me.'

-Chris Knight

and that's all i have to say about that

Someone asked me the other day why I never told them I had MS. Eh, my answer was because I didn't think about it. Honestly the only time I ever think about it is when my thumb starts moving as if it has a mind of its own or when I have to take the shot every other day. Why would I want to remind myself that I have an incurable disease? That my immune system got bored (must be cuz I never get sick) and attacked my central nervous system? Fuck it, life's to short as it is, I'm not going to waste time on something I can't do anything about. Besides, I don't want the sympathy, I don't want to explain it and I don't want anyone looking at me differently. Nothing about me has changed, it's not like I grew a 3rd eye or something. Symptoms come and go, luckily for me they mostly go. Other than the bipolar that went away, and the shit curtain eye, the only other long term symptom I've had was about 8 years ago. My hand went numb for over a year. It started out with excruciating pain in my hand and arm. The doctor told me it was carpel tunnel. A few days later it went numb. Blistered-my-hand-on-the-oven-and-didn't-feel-it numb, I just knew "hmmm that should be hot". In my infinite wisdom at the time, no pain = no doctor. A year later I noticed I could feel it again. No pins and needles or anything to announce the arrival, it was just back. Anyway, maybe because of the manner in which the diagnoses took place it afforded me some relief. The guesses that were made prior, tumor, blood clot, stroke etc etc were way worse and potentially fatal. So when I heard multiple sclerosis my reaction was "that's it?" Yea, yea I know it is potentially disabling. Medically speaking the prognosis is better the younger you are, and I've already started treatment. In 8 years I've had three flare-ups, not too bad. Better than being dead. No sense in speculating the potential path it may or may not take. I'm fine, and no matter what the outcome is, I'll be fine anyway.

Here's the list I spoke of yesterday...

The things I liked:

The first thing I noticed was how nice the air smelled. There is a certain sweet, crisp quality to it. I believe it's called fresh air.
There was not a single house that was tan stucco with a red spanish tile roof. I swear every single house built here since the mid 80's is like that.
The city, even downtown, is very clean. Never really noticed how much trash you see in Vegas until now.
The light rail is also very clean. It had regular people on it, not weirdos like when you ride the city bus here.
No slot machines.
I don't remember seeing any pan handler's "will work for food" or homeless people. Maybe they keep them somewhere I didn't go, or maybe the city actually tries to take care of it's residents.
The buildings downtown are HUGE. Unlike the gaudy, neon covered hotels here these were very elegant looking.
You can go just a few miles one way or another and be in different terrain. Ponds, parks, trees, mountains and what looked like prairie.
The people are friendly. Probably all that fresh air.
Starbucks is everywhere. We were sitting next to a Starbucks and there was one across the street in a bookstore.
The tap water is not hard so it doesn't dry out my skin and hair(I remembered that from when my uncle lived there).
Groceries are cheaper.
The apartments there are amazing looking. Again, no stucco with red or blue tile roofs or off-pink wood siding. The apartments here don't even care if the colors look right together. My friend's apartment was one of the nicest I've ever seen.
It was kinda hot on one of the days, yet when you get in the shade you cool right off. The breeze felt cool, not like a hair dryer sucking all the moisture from you.
You don't have to walk through a casino to get to a movie theater, concert or restaurant.

Ok, there's only a couple things I didn't like:

The airport is out pretty far from town and there's a toll road going to it? I thought that was weird.
The oxygen is thin. On one hand I'm a cheap drunk, on the other hand I'm winded after walking a half mile (I normally walk/jog 2 miles without being winded).
No Roberto's.
No In 'N Out.

I'll get over that.

Sittin On Go

Maybe I'm a little crazy, but I don't think so. Not this time. How many years do I spend hating where I live? If after 24 years I don't have even a little affection for this town I don't think it's gonna happen. A friend asked me if there was anything about Vegas that I liked. Mulling that one over for awhile I had three answers - concerts, some 24 hour benefits and when I can see it disappearing in my review mirror. Sometimes I feel like it's weighing me down because I'm not happy here. The cost of living keeps going up and the wages stay the same. Two words - Nevada Power. We need lube when that bill arrives every month ($386 for this month). They just had a rate hike. Again. Anyway, I been thinking today. If, for whatever reason (because I blew it), I don't get a call about this job I'm outta here anyway. Utah would be great, but that's not going to happen unless I plan on living in poverty. Their cost of living is seriously off kilter from the wages. Not interested in California or Arizona. Colorado is nice and it looks like the price is right. I have years of experience in my line of work and it looks like there are a lot of employment opportunities there, even more than here. If it doesn't work out, I'll try somewhere else. I have a plan. All I'm doing here is spinning my wheels in the sand, getting nowhere. Stagnating. I wasn't born here and I hope to god I don't die here, but it's killing me to stay. Financially and emotionally killing me. Crazy? Not so much. Crazy is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

"When the way comes to an end - Change. Having changed you pass through." - I-Ching

"When I started pushing 30 it started pushing back." - Gary Allan

Hindsight

For the most part I can actually say I'm totally happy with myself. That statement alone is pretty close to a miracle considering some of the crap I went thru a few years ago. Through out my life I've done pretty well at having no regrets and not looking back. I don't dwell in the past on mistakes I've made, it's done, over with and behind me. Learn from it and move on. This past weekend I feel like I made a huge mistake. This time words didn't get me in trouble, it was the lack of them that did. For the first time in my life I was so paranoid about making a good impression that I wasn't myself. He introduced me to the head of QA, potentially my new boss. Too scared of saying something stupid I didn't say anything at all. It was too important to me not to screw it up. Not only do I feel like I embarrassed myself, but I also probably embarrassed my friend who was kind of sticking his neck out for me. He placed an opportunity in front of me and I just stood there. A better job, in a better place, that would be hard at first but totally worth it. It's bad enough I'm disappointed in myself, but worse to think he might be too. He signed up for one person and got somebody else. He was funny, cute, weird and a gentlemen, everything I already knew he was. I totally enjoyed his company, I felt like this was someone I could be friends with for a long time. He showed me things I had never seen before. Sometimes I felt kind of naive or ignorant in the simplicity of those experiences. I had never drank beer at a baseball game before, or even been to an MLB game (Coors at Coors Field, coolest thing ever). Never had I seen a horse drawn carriage or rode on a train. No one has made me laugh hard enough that I blew snot out of my nose (luckily not coffee!) in I don't know how long. Never have I had someone be so sweet to me and not expect anything in return. What did I do? I think blew it because I wasn't myself. Trying to stay positive here, I don't know for a fact that this is a lost opportunity. If it doesn't happen, I'll know it was for a reason and move on. This I'll get through and I'll put it behind me, but if I lost his friendship that will be a hard one to get by.
Anyway, I hope I did better than I feel I did. When I first got there, my first impression of the city was that it felt like home. I could see myself living there. All that was just a gut reaction, before my friend showed me anything really. The prospect of moving scares me to death, but in a good way. So cross your fingers... say a prayer...burn a green candle, whatever you do for people and do it for me, and ask that this works out.

Time In A Bottle

Something I was reading earlier made me want to finally put this out... I've been the rounds with this person and nothing helps. I've sat in my car and cried with her after I played "Live Like You Were Dying". Explaining to her this is the only life you have, the only one God has given you and the only chance you have and your pissing it all away. If you were to die tomorrow what would people remember about you? Is that the legacy you want? I held her hand while she dumped the bottle down the sink and held her while she cried and promised no more. Will I drive you to the store? No, but I will pick up whatever you need as long as it's not a bottle because I will not enable you. Taking the low road, crying again, I yelled at her "How many children does your mother have to bury? The only difference between your suicide and your brother's is a shotgun." She's done well so many times and I've been so proud of her, I tell her how good she looks when her eyes are clear and her face isn't swollen. I know when I see her when those stretches of time are over. When her bloodshot eyes can't meet mine. She lies. I told her all the things I thought would get through to her. Everything that should have been said has been said. The dead horse has been beaten. Sure, I still talk to her sometimes but I've walked away. She knows, because I told her, I can no longer watch her die. Do I have guilt? Not anymore. Not after what I've said to her, not after the things I've tried. I can, with a clear conscience, say I did everything in my power to reach her. You can't help someone who does not want to change or take your help