Hindsight

For the most part I can actually say I'm totally happy with myself. That statement alone is pretty close to a miracle considering some of the crap I went thru a few years ago. Through out my life I've done pretty well at having no regrets and not looking back. I don't dwell in the past on mistakes I've made, it's done, over with and behind me. Learn from it and move on. This past weekend I feel like I made a huge mistake. This time words didn't get me in trouble, it was the lack of them that did. For the first time in my life I was so paranoid about making a good impression that I wasn't myself. He introduced me to the head of QA, potentially my new boss. Too scared of saying something stupid I didn't say anything at all. It was too important to me not to screw it up. Not only do I feel like I embarrassed myself, but I also probably embarrassed my friend who was kind of sticking his neck out for me. He placed an opportunity in front of me and I just stood there. A better job, in a better place, that would be hard at first but totally worth it. It's bad enough I'm disappointed in myself, but worse to think he might be too. He signed up for one person and got somebody else. He was funny, cute, weird and a gentlemen, everything I already knew he was. I totally enjoyed his company, I felt like this was someone I could be friends with for a long time. He showed me things I had never seen before. Sometimes I felt kind of naive or ignorant in the simplicity of those experiences. I had never drank beer at a baseball game before, or even been to an MLB game (Coors at Coors Field, coolest thing ever). Never had I seen a horse drawn carriage or rode on a train. No one has made me laugh hard enough that I blew snot out of my nose (luckily not coffee!) in I don't know how long. Never have I had someone be so sweet to me and not expect anything in return. What did I do? I think blew it because I wasn't myself. Trying to stay positive here, I don't know for a fact that this is a lost opportunity. If it doesn't happen, I'll know it was for a reason and move on. This I'll get through and I'll put it behind me, but if I lost his friendship that will be a hard one to get by.
Anyway, I hope I did better than I feel I did. When I first got there, my first impression of the city was that it felt like home. I could see myself living there. All that was just a gut reaction, before my friend showed me anything really. The prospect of moving scares me to death, but in a good way. So cross your fingers... say a prayer...burn a green candle, whatever you do for people and do it for me, and ask that this works out.