Castles

So a friend told me this story a few nights ago. We were talking, joking, and somewhere along the way the conversation turned serious. At that exact moment it fit my frame of mind and almost brought me to tears. No way can I capture that moment but I can tell the story...

A man gets up on the soapbox in the middle of the town square. He shouts to the passersby "Would you like to see the most beautiful heart in all the world?" After a crowd gathers to view what he was speaking of, he unbuttons his shirt. There on the man's chest was the most beautiful heart, bright red, luminous, perfect in every way, no scars or bruises. The crowd oohed and awwed over this vision in front of them. They approached him, wanting to touch his beautiful heart. The man quickly became guarded, closing his shirt and yelling at them to get back. 'No one can touch me there, you'll fade it, scar it. It's beautiful, but no one can touch it.' He runs away before anyone gets too close. A feeble old man walks to the front to take the young man's place. He says to the crowd "Would any of you like to see the beauty of my heart?" Everyone stares as the old man unbuttons his shirt to reveal his heart. They gasp, it's faded, covered with nicks and scars, a large piece is actually missing. He points to the scars "My heart was not guarded. Allowing people to touch it they left there marks, I've loved and lost and loved again. This piece that's missing? I gave it to my wife when she died." He invited the crowd to him and let them touch his scarred, battered, beautiful heart.

When he told me the story I knew which was better, which was right. At that moment I knew, and friends are funny to say the thing you didn't know you needed to hear. After careful examination of my own heart and over thinking it like I do everything, I know that I'm that latter of the two. You know us, the one's who wear our heart's on our sleeves and stupidly let go. Still I'm having a hard time anymore believing that the first guy isn't better off.

Bridges

Something has flip flopped. Watching it fall away and knowing I may have had a hand in pushing it doesn't help. Did I really? Did it fall on it's own and I happened to be standing there. Being me I want to take the blame. Even though I'm not 100% sure what exactly it is I'm blaming myself for. Some rules somewhere say I haven't done a damn thing wrong. My heart says otherwise. The little crevice between us that opened one night has turned into a canyon. The bridges you tried to erect, well I guess I ignored them, set fire to them. Walked away. Right now, what I'm thinking is I miss my friend. Where we were once before things took a sharp turn left, wandered back to the center and stalled. What's left? Taking shots at me, and running a friend down that you never took the time to understand. Maybe it would be better if I just walked away completely, maybe I should have along time ago. It's easier to walk when things are good, the person is perfect, then you don't have to get to see what imperfections they have and watch them fall from the imaginary pedestal you put them on. You must be this tall to ride this ride? Right? Sound at all familiar to you?

Just a quick one...

Anyone checking in here from time to time has probably seen me reference this song and this artist more than once. He's a favorite of mine that you will never hear on the radio, well at least not him singing but you will hear his songs. Anyway, the man wrote my theme song, since the embedding from you tube is disabled click here to hear it. Feeling this way a lot lately...

One more just because it's awesome and, damn who hasn't felt like this?

What a day!

And damn did it turn out awesome! So I forget stuff. One thing I kept forgetting to do was actually buy tickets to the concert I went to last night. A few days ago a friend told me that another of our friend's had extras. So after calling the box office yesterday morning I found out he had better be right. The show was sold out. CRAP. Well I decide to go ahead a browse through the concert listings at the House Of Blues. Since I was there anyway. Didn't see anything I would actually pay to see until I got to the bottom. Last one listed was... (drum roll please) GARY ALLAN. May 29th. Texted best friend in Utah. Texted sister in Houston. Texted two friends here. Remembered what I was actually on the site for to begin with. Called to inquire about supposed extra tickets to the show. Hmmm he'll call around and find out. Boy did he come through for me! Hehe, and I talked him into going to the other concert with me (didn't require much talking). Friend in Utah called and she's on it too. She wants to see the love of her life and get trashed in Vegas. I now have three tickets to the House of Blues, seats 1800, which will be the equivalent of seeing him at a bar. So me, my best friend and my favorite Canadian are going to see THE MAN. Words can't describe how excited I am!!! Which reminds me I need to be sure that he knows the *incident* that happened during the show last night will never happen again. Ever, ever, ever...

Did I Break Your Concentration?

Umm a friend suggested since I can't talk about something maybe I should find an online board. So I went lurking. Reading through others comments, joking about there disease made me cry. It isn't just me and I'm screwed. There's one thing I've not mentioned on here, sometimes I feel like I'm getting dumber by the day. Sure I forget stuff, I may tell you the same thing 10 times and lock my keys in my car. My friends probably think I don't care to remember what they tell me, I'm sorry that suddenly Minnesota and Wisconsin are interchangeable to me. My spelling has declined to the point that spell check isn't to be dismissed. It looks right to me, but it never is. You know the sensation of having something on the tip of your tongue but can't get it out? Hehe, that's me on a daily. Had this happen tonight - Me and a friend were picking songs out of the new internet jukebox at our favorite bar. One of my selections was "Alright Guy" by Gary Allan (song cracks me up). Another guy comes up to me and asks who the singer is, says he's not really into country but he digs it. So I tell him the name and we start talking a bit. Ask me who some other artists I would recommend are, says he doesn't really like Big & Rich or Rascal Flatts, likes stuff with more of an edge (speaking my language). Drawing a complete blank I stare at my friend, I suddenly have no idea what the guy just asked me or what to say. Friend stares back and says Brad Paisley. Oh yea, I remember now. Sheepishly, I rattle off a few names to the guy. That's embarrassing, and I wish I could say a drink or three was involved but I was drinking water. It's like 90% of the time my brain is going so fast in so many directions that I can't keep up and then...sputter, stall, what was I doing? Sure I don't mind getting teased about it, nobody knows. At times it can be damn funny. Just hate that there have been times when they tell me things, important things, details about their lives and I forget. Believe me, I wish I didn't.

Blindsided...

How weird is this, I haven't thought of him in a long time. At least not in this way. I talk to him, talk about him. He's been part of my life for over half of it. Even if we're not together anymore he's still part of my life. How odd to miss something, yet not want it back. Telling someone a story earlier about teaching him a lesson must have stirred something distant in my mind. Awhile after, a long forgotten image popped into my head. Out of the blue, I was in the middle of working (how I hate the way my brain functions sometimes). Walking into the living room seeing him and the boy curled up together, the baby in his pajamas still clutching his bottle. Sleeping. They were my whole world. They were my home. So today, on a random Tuesday, an image from easily 13-14 years ago caused a small rip, a reopening of an old wound that doesn't seem to want to stay closed. It ached for awhile, still that same pain as if no time has passed. For a moment only, this will pass. For a moment, I felt a flicker of the girl who stood in the living room that night, that one who died a slow painful death starting in November of '01. The girl I try to forget ever existed because it hurts too much to miss her and to look in the mirror at what remains.

"There've been mornin's when I couldn't wake up
& evenin's when I couldn't sleep
My life will be fine for months at a time
Then I'll break down & cry for a week
'Cause when I told you I'd love you forever
I know you didn't think it was true
But forever is nothin'
Compared to some nights I've been through
In these years after you"

-John Conlee

Easy

He knows about this because I told him. When I get too much stuff buzzing around in my head I need to let some of it out. Writing it down for storage? For future reference or whatever. People don't amaze me a lot. I've got a great group of friends that I know I can rely on. Mostly just party with. The new addition I met a month ago is the one that's buzzing around in my head (not for that reason). He's surprised me for different reasons. I knew and I told him that he was bad for me, like chocolate. He makes me laugh, he makes me feel important, he's easy as hell to talk to about everything and on occasion, when I think we're going up on two wheels, he makes me scream. He's smart as anyone I've ever known, spontaneous (I still want to go to the zoo! or maybe Cedar?), unconventional, unpredictable, a little odd, a gentleman, and so different from anyone I've ever known. Like me in ways, but different. The time I spend with him is easy and natural, he doesn't weigh on me. He doesn't judge me.

Spring vs Fall

When watching The Notebook tonight I realized what got me about him at first. You know that scene with the ferris wheel? That brashness that only youth can have. Too bad I'm not some pretty young thing like Allie was. That movie gets me every time, the first time I watched I must have cried for 20 minutes after it was over. Anyway, he's still so easy to talk to and I really like being around him. There's so much about him I like, we're both broken and we don't care. I just wish other people weren't jerks about it...

It's good to be right...

Back in previous post I was venting about country radio.... See I know a number one hit when I hear one! The newest single from one of my favorites that my local radio station initially refused to play has hit number one on the charts. Although on the Radio and Records chart it peaked at number 2. Not too bad.

Enough Rope

So this is going to be a bad one... This is what I'm looking at. All negative, my situation and my environment is putting these thoughts in my head. As of recently I hate my job. Working for a new client which basically caused me to lose my overtime, my bonus and my free Directv. In essence my rate of pay dropped like $3 an hour. So I'm working just hard enough to keep from getting fired and that's not like me. I didn't get where I am by being a slacker, my "don't give a shit" attitude has never been so strong for that place as it is right now. On a good note, the salary cap with the new client is higher than the old one, so I may get a raise. The first in three years. So help me God if they give me a quarter I'll quit. That's an insult. Why do I stay? I'm good at what I do and after 10 years I can get away with murder there. My recent job searches have been futile. Onto home life, my decision to help out my mother so she could sell her house and quit one of her jobs has turned into a living hell for me. Getting nagged and constantly having someone on my ass has gotten real old real fast. It's getting harder and harder to bite my tongue when nothing I do is enough. If I get out of that house and out of this state she will be screwed. It's killing me to stay here, I feel like I'm losing my soul. It's slowly being bitched out of me. Keep in mind I hate Vegas to begin with and this is just making it worse. Starting to feel like I've been cornered. Weigh down. Paralyzed. This isn't being depressed this is being done. Don't want to be home, work, anywhere really. Usually I find my way out of things but I don't know how anymore. There is no way out this time. Everything is a constant uphill battle. Medical bills are piling up too and I'm drowning... Can't I just chuck it all and move to Tahiti? No? Fuck it I'm going to the bar...

"Well I’m thankful for the things I have,
And all the things I don’t.
And I’ve got dreams that will come true,
And I’ve got some that won’t.
Most the time I just walk the line wherever it goes.
‘Cuz you can’t hang yourself if you ain’t got enough rope."

- Chris Knight