Number 16

Tomorrow it starts. Open season. As of me writing this there is one hour and 12 minutes left of October. What will be on the plate for November this year? Having already hurt my ass recently that should be out of the line up (in case anybody missed it I fell down the stairs here about a month ago and broke my tailbone), no nails in sight. What's weighing heavy on my mind, and I'm trying hard not to think about it, is my best friend is having severe female problems. They did the biopsy and she goes back to get the results on the 10th. They are already talking about putting her on the schedule for a hysterectomy. She's one of the three, including me, effected by the November thing. Her husband being the the third one. My other half for 20 years, I'm scared. For her, for her husband, her kids and for me. She texted me this morning and asked if I realized all of this crap was going to happen in November. It was the first thing that came to mind when she told me. Don't make me think about it.

This would be the last Thanksgiving we have together too, they should be moving shortly after, and I can't go. There's no way that thing I drive will make it.

Faith. Hope. Love.

Hope, something will change, via my own hand or fate's. Faith, things can't stay the way they are. Love. These three things inscribed and hang around my neck on a chain, reminding me. If lost, in ways, their importance exceeds that of food or water. Sustenance falls to the wayside when you get to that point. Pulling away from everybody, I still haven't lost these three things. Been without them before, recognizing the symptoms is easy. Hope that I find the peace I'm looking for. Faith that I can make things change. Love. Hope is what will keep you going when even your will to live is gone. You don't know it's there until the bottom. When you can look back and see how fate had a tug of war with the good and bad in your life. A balance that's sometimes skewed so badly that you can't tell what's what. When everything has been flipped upside down and all you can see is rocks for so long you forget to look up. Hope is what makes you remember there is another direction. Hope will make you look up. The voice inside that tells you this isn't it. There is more to come. Faith, believing that what comes will be better. No matter how much shit is waded thru to get there. Hope is the light at the end of the tunnel. Faith convinces you it's not a train. Love prevents you from doing something stupid in the darkest reaches of that tunnel.

Hermit

Where to go...what to do... Over the last year I've lost more friends than I can count. There was something I wrote on Friday that I thought was pretty accurate, now I know it's not. More on that in a minute. The time here is to find something within, to buck up and deal with life on my own. Several months ago I believed life was not meant to be lived on your own, I wrote something on here about it. For me at the time that may have been true, the season has changed. After next month my two best friends will have moved away. When I saw them last in August I truly believed then would be the last. One more time, in about two weeks they will be here. Then everyone will be gone. As of this moment I haven't spoken to anyone since Monday, the urges I had to call or text I ignored and held it in. It just doesn't matter. Too many people are gone. Some for reasons known, others just vanished with no word to say why. Must be my fault in all cases, I shoulder the blame even when I know its not mine. Whatever the circumstance, I wish them well. Not feeling bad, just very alone. As it should be.

Funny how fast things can change, it wasn't my right to do this and now I know. This is what I wrote on Friday:

The silence craved, the avoidance of uncomfortable don't give a fuck conversations forced on me, ended by working from home. Don't have to talk to anybody if I don't want to, unless it's work related. A few months ago all I wanted was silence. My own internal turmoil, spinning in my brain, thoughts that I couldn't control or get any kind of handle on, craved absolute exterior silence. Except a couple select people. There was only a handful that I sought there voice, wanted there company. Would seek them out in moments of anguish just to listen to them speak, to hear something outside of my own head. The rest of the world reminded me of a Charlie Brown cartoon...Wah wah wah. Moving away from that now. Still seek them but gone is that desperate grip of the drowning. There are passing moments that feel like it's starting over, then I see clear skies and think it'll be alright.

Mmmm Cowboys...

One more thing...Sunday I got this really odd email. An official looking one from UNLV Tickets. According to this email there is one ticket to the PBR (Professional Bull Riding Finals, not Pabst Blue Ribbon) waiting for me at will call. There are two people in this world who know I would want to go. One of them doesn't have that particular email address, plus he's a pretty good distance away in Louisiana. So that narrows it down. Suspect number two, really the first person who popped into my head, denies any knowledge of it. Wish I could thank the right person and let them know, going by myself or not, I'm going to enjoy the hell out of it!

What Was I Thinking

Two dates in a week, that's pretty good for me I guess. Two ends of the spectrum. Not so nice guy, dinner and a movie carried a price with him. Set an expectation of what he was going to get by the end of the night, whether he had to take it or not. End result, fuck you leave me the hell alone. The other was the same, dinner and a movie with someone who was actually nice. Awesome night, no pressure just kinda flowed. The end result? The next day I thought about how great it was, yet still never want to see him again. Why ruin it? Part of the movie How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days kept playing thru my head. In the beginning of the movie, Andie is walking from Ben's apartment, he leans over the balcony and she waves he says, under his breath, "Oh you are already fallin in love with me." Down in the street, outside the cab, waving, she says thru forced smile, "I'm going to make you wish you were dead". So I accepted an invite to lunch. Focusing on the conversation. Not thinking about anything more than the moment. Not the end, not tomorrow. Knowing how I can be, now not willing to repeat the sins of the past. Go easy, refrain from those things I've seen me do to drive people away. Usually I set the bar too high, or throw the bar away all together. Equally bad and leave me feeling like shit. Thinkin I'll look for middle ground, hold on loosely and see what happens before I decide to go.

The rest of the story... He crossed my mind again, moving along the border of "this might be good". Brushing my teeth in the shower. Trying to keep from dropping the toothbrush again with my newly retarded right hand. It struck me, I had forgot exactly the reason for not wanting a boyfriend anymore. How should I tell him? When does it cross that line from being something withheld to keep from freaking him out right away to a lie by omission? Why would I burden anybody with it. Realized too, while I was struggling with the toothbrush, that he gave me an out. Gave me an out... Not interested in staying here any longer, he brought it up the other day. Would I be interested in leaving too? He plans on moving in the spring and asked if I would go. So, I just tell him I changed my mind. Who would get involved with anybody if they plan on moving away? Maybe not the best way, it would be an impasse and a choice he can easily make right now, before it goes to far. Kind of chickenshit, I know. There's no way I'll ask that of anyone, just not an option. What was I thinking.

On a side note...it's not fair to him either that I keep comparing him to someone. He'll fall short. Just like I did.