Almost
Probably won't count with this either. Always said I never wanted things to go very far. So what did I do? I basically dared you. If you mean what you say...Prove it. Show me. Over time I've learned that it's easier to let 'em go and walk away. You did try, I'll give you that. Been a awhile since someone treated me like a lady, and I was proud of you. So now I'll go, feeling like I forced something on you, though I was only following your footsteps. Potential regret looms so strong, like the first thunderheads forming of an impending storm. Can smell the rain. So I'll take the shelter now and hide from the disaster before it occurs. In awhile, I'll come back around. Maybe you'll smile then, and just maybe that friendship we almost sacrificed will still be ok. You being here means more than what might have been.
"I'm back out on that road again
Turn this beast into the wind
There are those that break and bend
I'm the other kind, I'm the other kind"
-Steve Earle
"Well, I feel the rain drops from the storm down in Mexico
Truck will go no further, out of gas
I cross the desert and disappear into the tumbleweeds
I tip the bottle and bite the lime
There ain't no moral to this story at all
Anything I tell you very well could be a lie
There ain't no morals to these stories at all
I been away from the living, I don't need to be forgiven
Im just waiting for that cold black sun-cracked numb-inside soul of mine
to come alive"
-The Refreshments
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Other People's Children
Last night I was texting the boy telling him to be home by 5. We'll go out to eat somewhere. His response, "I already ate can I stay the night at my friend's house?" Normally that response isn't a big deal. This time I was choking back tears as it hit me. He's growing up. What 15 year old wants to hang out with mom. He does better than most. We still talk, watch tv, watch movies, like most of the same music, laugh at Ron White, Dane Cook and Christopher Titus. Laugh at our inside jokes that others don't understand. We get along well. When he's out there, like he is right now, I'd like to think he listened and learned from the lessons I've tried to teach him. He'll make the right choices. The only sore spot we have is he doesn't do so hot in school, never has. No matter how hard I push. Relenting on that, I guess I'd rather him be the class clown than the class dope dealer. Bottom line is he's a good kid with a good heart and an amazing sense of humor.
So after I wrapped my brain around all of that I decided I'll go get something to eat by myself. Walked out to my truck and found the window broken and my stereo gone. So pissed I was ready to cry again. Why couldn't they have taken the XM one? Had to be kids, other stuff worth more than the stereo was left alone. Swearing out loud I went back in the house, fkn kids parents should have... With everything stacked against me from the beginning I still never raised a child who would ever consider doing something like that. You don't need to have money to have values, you need to have a parent who cares.
Silver lining too is that last year I got the heater and water pump fixed so hopefully I won't freeze with the busted window.
Last night I was texting the boy telling him to be home by 5. We'll go out to eat somewhere. His response, "I already ate can I stay the night at my friend's house?" Normally that response isn't a big deal. This time I was choking back tears as it hit me. He's growing up. What 15 year old wants to hang out with mom. He does better than most. We still talk, watch tv, watch movies, like most of the same music, laugh at Ron White, Dane Cook and Christopher Titus. Laugh at our inside jokes that others don't understand. We get along well. When he's out there, like he is right now, I'd like to think he listened and learned from the lessons I've tried to teach him. He'll make the right choices. The only sore spot we have is he doesn't do so hot in school, never has. No matter how hard I push. Relenting on that, I guess I'd rather him be the class clown than the class dope dealer. Bottom line is he's a good kid with a good heart and an amazing sense of humor.
So after I wrapped my brain around all of that I decided I'll go get something to eat by myself. Walked out to my truck and found the window broken and my stereo gone. So pissed I was ready to cry again. Why couldn't they have taken the XM one? Had to be kids, other stuff worth more than the stereo was left alone. Swearing out loud I went back in the house, fkn kids parents should have... With everything stacked against me from the beginning I still never raised a child who would ever consider doing something like that. You don't need to have money to have values, you need to have a parent who cares.
Silver lining too is that last year I got the heater and water pump fixed so hopefully I won't freeze with the busted window.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Wonder Woman
Yesterday was quite the adventure for me and a friend of mine that I've mentioned on here before. We've been trying to spend more time together to see what happens(and prolly both praying it doesn't blow up in our faces), instead of constantly running from each other. Anyway the evening started out by him having to carry our favorite very drunk bartender, prince charming style, to bed. Pretty funny in itself. After I left he calls and asks me if I could please bring him a needle and length of thread when I come back. Wouldn't tell me why but the first thing that came to my mind was stitches. Turns out he broke up a fight between the two of the other inhabitants, large Akitas, and got bit in the process. Not a very long wound, maybe 3/4 of an inch, but it was deep, gaping and gross. Honestly it did need stitches and the local ER was not an option. Amazed me how tough the skin was to try and poke thru, and how tough he was, just stood there and allowed me to. Then he finished running it thru while I held the skin closed. A few knots and a little vodka later, both drank and used as a sterilizer, the finished product looked very professional. We settled in to watch a movie. That didn't last long. The two remaining residents came home drunk and arguing about an incident that happened earlier. We stayed out of it until it was brought to us, I don't want to get in the middle of a husband and wife fight. The arguing continued in the living room as the husband tried to lay down on the couch. She announced that she was so mad she should shoot him in his sleep. We both advised her that she can't do that. Wrong choice of words. My husband, my house, my gun and I can shoot him if I want to. With that she went in the bedroom with my friend right behind her. Could hear her arguing with my friend about a gun. Maybe against my better judgment, I went in the bedroom also. Found her standing there with two .38's, holding them with her fingers away from the trigger guard (my focused stayed on the position of her hands). My friend looked a little freaked but was still calm, explaining to her that this wasn't the answer. She said she knew that, she wasn't really going to shoot him but she could, she's just choosing not to. She wanted to show us she could. So, I told her I would feel a lot more comfortable if she would please hand me the weapons. In the back of my mind, I was thinking before something happens that we can't stitch up. She told me the same thing, I'm not going to do anything. Still, please? Accidents happen, and I'm sure we would both feel better. Are they loaded? She started crying again and handed me both revolvers (God she gave them to me barrel first). Checked the cylinder, both loaded. So that potentially bad situation averted, we were back to talking for the next...god knows how long.
After it was all said and done, the couple had gone to bed and we were left alone again, he turned to me and said "Movie night was effectively ruined. You know no one will believe this right? I carried a drunk bartender to bed, we stitched up my arm and you disarmed a drunk woman in the same night. You must be wonder woman or something. You did it all without hesitation. Still can't believe you stitched my arm without puking." Yeah me too.
In all fairness to the above couple, not once have I witnessed them fight before. The coolest lesson from last night (other than alcohol and guns don't mix)? Under pressure we work well together and are both cooler heads when needed.
Yesterday was quite the adventure for me and a friend of mine that I've mentioned on here before. We've been trying to spend more time together to see what happens(and prolly both praying it doesn't blow up in our faces), instead of constantly running from each other. Anyway the evening started out by him having to carry our favorite very drunk bartender, prince charming style, to bed. Pretty funny in itself. After I left he calls and asks me if I could please bring him a needle and length of thread when I come back. Wouldn't tell me why but the first thing that came to my mind was stitches. Turns out he broke up a fight between the two of the other inhabitants, large Akitas, and got bit in the process. Not a very long wound, maybe 3/4 of an inch, but it was deep, gaping and gross. Honestly it did need stitches and the local ER was not an option. Amazed me how tough the skin was to try and poke thru, and how tough he was, just stood there and allowed me to. Then he finished running it thru while I held the skin closed. A few knots and a little vodka later, both drank and used as a sterilizer, the finished product looked very professional. We settled in to watch a movie. That didn't last long. The two remaining residents came home drunk and arguing about an incident that happened earlier. We stayed out of it until it was brought to us, I don't want to get in the middle of a husband and wife fight. The arguing continued in the living room as the husband tried to lay down on the couch. She announced that she was so mad she should shoot him in his sleep. We both advised her that she can't do that. Wrong choice of words. My husband, my house, my gun and I can shoot him if I want to. With that she went in the bedroom with my friend right behind her. Could hear her arguing with my friend about a gun. Maybe against my better judgment, I went in the bedroom also. Found her standing there with two .38's, holding them with her fingers away from the trigger guard (my focused stayed on the position of her hands). My friend looked a little freaked but was still calm, explaining to her that this wasn't the answer. She said she knew that, she wasn't really going to shoot him but she could, she's just choosing not to. She wanted to show us she could. So, I told her I would feel a lot more comfortable if she would please hand me the weapons. In the back of my mind, I was thinking before something happens that we can't stitch up. She told me the same thing, I'm not going to do anything. Still, please? Accidents happen, and I'm sure we would both feel better. Are they loaded? She started crying again and handed me both revolvers (God she gave them to me barrel first). Checked the cylinder, both loaded. So that potentially bad situation averted, we were back to talking for the next...god knows how long.
After it was all said and done, the couple had gone to bed and we were left alone again, he turned to me and said "Movie night was effectively ruined. You know no one will believe this right? I carried a drunk bartender to bed, we stitched up my arm and you disarmed a drunk woman in the same night. You must be wonder woman or something. You did it all without hesitation. Still can't believe you stitched my arm without puking." Yeah me too.
In all fairness to the above couple, not once have I witnessed them fight before. The coolest lesson from last night (other than alcohol and guns don't mix)? Under pressure we work well together and are both cooler heads when needed.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Denver to Oakland
Dammit, dammit, dammit. My favorite freakin player from my favorite freakin team got TRADED for crap. Matt Holliday for...for fkn Greg Smith??? I KNOW they need help in the pitching department, desperate help, but he ain't it! So they trade the All-Star LF Holliday for three pretty mediocre players from the A's. One pitcher maybe ok (Street), but the other two? Jesus I hope they at least got paid to remove them from Oakland! As a side note to sports writers...stop saying October was a fluke last year. It happened, they earned it, get over it. Did you even see the DL list this year? Did you see Atkins playing with strep throat during the road games? It was a bad year, but not as bad as it could have been. At one point they were only a few games behind the Dodgers and only finished ten games out at the end.
Dammit, dammit, dammit. My favorite freakin player from my favorite freakin team got TRADED for crap. Matt Holliday for...for fkn Greg Smith??? I KNOW they need help in the pitching department, desperate help, but he ain't it! So they trade the All-Star LF Holliday for three pretty mediocre players from the A's. One pitcher maybe ok (Street), but the other two? Jesus I hope they at least got paid to remove them from Oakland! As a side note to sports writers...stop saying October was a fluke last year. It happened, they earned it, get over it. Did you even see the DL list this year? Did you see Atkins playing with strep throat during the road games? It was a bad year, but not as bad as it could have been. At one point they were only a few games behind the Dodgers and only finished ten games out at the end.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Good Stuff
Meaning to put something on here for at least a week but somehow I managed to be very busy. The creators of the website Zen Moments stopped by here in the last few weeks. Asked to me if I felt there was anything I might be able to contribute to the site. Being super critical of most anything I write, it took days for me to figure out what may be appropriate. After weighing thru things posted here and not, I settled on two. One turned out to be what they were seeking. Nothing could explain how flattered and proud I was that they connected with the piece and posted it on their site. Follow the below link:
Zen Moments: The Road Not Taken
Meaning to put something on here for at least a week but somehow I managed to be very busy. The creators of the website Zen Moments stopped by here in the last few weeks. Asked to me if I felt there was anything I might be able to contribute to the site. Being super critical of most anything I write, it took days for me to figure out what may be appropriate. After weighing thru things posted here and not, I settled on two. One turned out to be what they were seeking. Nothing could explain how flattered and proud I was that they connected with the piece and posted it on their site. Follow the below link:
Zen Moments: The Road Not Taken
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Cross Road
For the first time, in more than 20 years of friendship, I don't know what to say. This is critical and I can't find the words to reach her. Struggled thru this for the last few days, I can't sleep again. In so many ways I felt the person I spent two hours on the phone with on Sunday was a stranger. There has to be someone else whispering in her ear and she's listening to him, instead of her husband or me. Part of me wants to select a large caliber weapon from the arsenal downstairs and take a road trip, put the fear of god in him. There is no respect I can find for a man, who not only has a girl at home, but is fine with chasing after someone's wife. Right, right it takes two to tango, but I don't think she would have ever heard the music if he hadn't asked her to dance. Now she's giving every excuse in the world to end her marriage and trying to make her husband believe it's all his doing, or they should see other people. For once, something tells me she's not telling me the whole truth. She knows I don't agree, and won't encourage her. Unless I thought it would make her happy, that he was a good stand up guy. If for even a second I thought this was for the best, no matter how I felt about it, I would give her my blessing. My gut says he's wrong. Knowing how stubborn she can be, she may never admit she made a mistake until it's too late. Thinking thru this now I came to a realization. This may be one mistake she'll have to make in order to appreciate what she had. Unfortunately, it's one you can't come back from.
Then what, what you gonna do
When the new wears off and the old shines through
And it aint really love and it aint really lust
You aint anybody anyone's gonna trust
Then what, where you gonna turn
When you cant turn back for the bridges you burn
Then What
- Clay Walker
For the first time, in more than 20 years of friendship, I don't know what to say. This is critical and I can't find the words to reach her. Struggled thru this for the last few days, I can't sleep again. In so many ways I felt the person I spent two hours on the phone with on Sunday was a stranger. There has to be someone else whispering in her ear and she's listening to him, instead of her husband or me. Part of me wants to select a large caliber weapon from the arsenal downstairs and take a road trip, put the fear of god in him. There is no respect I can find for a man, who not only has a girl at home, but is fine with chasing after someone's wife. Right, right it takes two to tango, but I don't think she would have ever heard the music if he hadn't asked her to dance. Now she's giving every excuse in the world to end her marriage and trying to make her husband believe it's all his doing, or they should see other people. For once, something tells me she's not telling me the whole truth. She knows I don't agree, and won't encourage her. Unless I thought it would make her happy, that he was a good stand up guy. If for even a second I thought this was for the best, no matter how I felt about it, I would give her my blessing. My gut says he's wrong. Knowing how stubborn she can be, she may never admit she made a mistake until it's too late. Thinking thru this now I came to a realization. This may be one mistake she'll have to make in order to appreciate what she had. Unfortunately, it's one you can't come back from.
Then what, what you gonna do
When the new wears off and the old shines through
And it aint really love and it aint really lust
You aint anybody anyone's gonna trust
Then what, where you gonna turn
When you cant turn back for the bridges you burn
Then What
- Clay Walker
Saturday, November 08, 2008
Title Unavailable
So weeks have passed now and I've left you alone. Never wrote anything about it either. Didn't know where to begin. Probably shouldn't do it now, too much in my head. Looking at it from every angle it comes back to the same thing, somewhere I made a mistake. Unsure of what. One day we were fine, then we weren't. Maybe I was wrong and we never were. There are no words that come. Anything that comes to mind would probably make things worse. You always said that it pissed you off when people don't tell you what they're thinking. For me there's so much that I try not to think of you at all. It still happens, when I want to tell you something, ask you a question, reach out to you and all I get is this pain in my heart when I remember I can't. Leave you alone. Then I wonder how you're doing, how your job is going and I miss your conversation, listening, your stories, the way you take things and they way you approach situations. Like you already have the answer, the resolution, before the rest of the world has finished processing the information. Miss the way I knew you. Miss being your friend, sometimes I'm angry that you shut me out, never for long. So what am I thinking? You being happy, if there's no place for me in that, then I just have to deal with it. Do I understand it? Yes and no. Somewhere around the end of May a large part of me vanished. Didn't return until the beginning of September. You helped me thru it, though I wasn't much of a friend then and I leaned on you too much. Making it thru that I thought we had recovered, then you disappeared. That's the "No" part of the equation. Going back to the "anything I say will probably make it worse", I wrote this...this long ramble that you'll never see.
So weeks have passed now and I've left you alone. Never wrote anything about it either. Didn't know where to begin. Probably shouldn't do it now, too much in my head. Looking at it from every angle it comes back to the same thing, somewhere I made a mistake. Unsure of what. One day we were fine, then we weren't. Maybe I was wrong and we never were. There are no words that come. Anything that comes to mind would probably make things worse. You always said that it pissed you off when people don't tell you what they're thinking. For me there's so much that I try not to think of you at all. It still happens, when I want to tell you something, ask you a question, reach out to you and all I get is this pain in my heart when I remember I can't. Leave you alone. Then I wonder how you're doing, how your job is going and I miss your conversation, listening, your stories, the way you take things and they way you approach situations. Like you already have the answer, the resolution, before the rest of the world has finished processing the information. Miss the way I knew you. Miss being your friend, sometimes I'm angry that you shut me out, never for long. So what am I thinking? You being happy, if there's no place for me in that, then I just have to deal with it. Do I understand it? Yes and no. Somewhere around the end of May a large part of me vanished. Didn't return until the beginning of September. You helped me thru it, though I wasn't much of a friend then and I leaned on you too much. Making it thru that I thought we had recovered, then you disappeared. That's the "No" part of the equation. Going back to the "anything I say will probably make it worse", I wrote this...this long ramble that you'll never see.
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
History
Not until tonight did it truly register with me. Didn't think about it when I cast my ballot earlier today. The significance of what was going on. Having been saying for weeks, get in the booth and flip a coin. Not particularly caring for either candidate, I chose what I felt was the lesser of two evils. The same as I did four years ago. It wasn't until I watched it unfold on TV tonight. Something I never thought I would see, in ways I'm proud at the distance this country has traveled. What, 40 years ago he wouldn't of had the right to vote? Hell less that a hundred years ago neither would I. Sat here in amazement as I realized history was happening right in front of me. A black man in the white house. A house that black slaves help build. Elected to run a country partially built by slaves. Shameful part of our history. Truly amazing how far we've come.
Not until tonight did it truly register with me. Didn't think about it when I cast my ballot earlier today. The significance of what was going on. Having been saying for weeks, get in the booth and flip a coin. Not particularly caring for either candidate, I chose what I felt was the lesser of two evils. The same as I did four years ago. It wasn't until I watched it unfold on TV tonight. Something I never thought I would see, in ways I'm proud at the distance this country has traveled. What, 40 years ago he wouldn't of had the right to vote? Hell less that a hundred years ago neither would I. Sat here in amazement as I realized history was happening right in front of me. A black man in the white house. A house that black slaves help build. Elected to run a country partially built by slaves. Shameful part of our history. Truly amazing how far we've come.
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
Repeat
Here you are again. Lost in conversation. That smile, those arms. It's all so effortless, we fall right back into this every time, with no thought about it. Your words seem to flow easier now. Knowing I can tell you anything, gave you the run down of the crap that happened to me Saturday. Probably I shouldn't tell you those things, maybe you don't want to know. "Someday you'll forget those other guys, you'll come back to me like you always do and give me the chance to make you happy." Last night I believed you, last night you played that Toby Keith song on the jukebox. Last night. Today you're still so far away and I still know that this not what you really want. Not what anybody really wants. Maybe you can make me happy, but I'm scared to death I'll never be able to return the favor. Last night you made me vow not to disappear on you again, I couldn't promise it and I know neither can you. We make our plans, life happens and we go our own way. Yet we keep arriving back here. Others have pointed it out, apparently not just to me, as you relayed how odd it was they saw it before we did. What you also didn't see was the tears as I was driving home, thinking about your words and how desperate I am to not hurt you. Today is today, yesterday was yesterday. Leave it be and it will run it's course, whatever that may be. You'll need to push, because I won't.
Here you are again. Lost in conversation. That smile, those arms. It's all so effortless, we fall right back into this every time, with no thought about it. Your words seem to flow easier now. Knowing I can tell you anything, gave you the run down of the crap that happened to me Saturday. Probably I shouldn't tell you those things, maybe you don't want to know. "Someday you'll forget those other guys, you'll come back to me like you always do and give me the chance to make you happy." Last night I believed you, last night you played that Toby Keith song on the jukebox. Last night. Today you're still so far away and I still know that this not what you really want. Not what anybody really wants. Maybe you can make me happy, but I'm scared to death I'll never be able to return the favor. Last night you made me vow not to disappear on you again, I couldn't promise it and I know neither can you. We make our plans, life happens and we go our own way. Yet we keep arriving back here. Others have pointed it out, apparently not just to me, as you relayed how odd it was they saw it before we did. What you also didn't see was the tears as I was driving home, thinking about your words and how desperate I am to not hurt you. Today is today, yesterday was yesterday. Leave it be and it will run it's course, whatever that may be. You'll need to push, because I won't.
Saturday, November 01, 2008
Stupid
So you reap what you sow. Right, got that. Karma will bite, got that too. Practice what you preach is probably applicable. Sounds like a good cliche. Recently I had a conversation explaining why you don't read other people's text messages, you don't eve's drop. PERIOD. You are bound to hear or see something you didn't want to, don't understand and take it completely out of context. The only person who will get hurt is you. Well, on the other hand people should lock there phone before putting it in there pocket - and I should have listened to my own advice and hung up. My gut said he was lying about where he was going and I ignored it. There's no way I could ignore the conversation I was hearing. No where had we said we were exclusive, if we were then last Friday night for me never would have happened. The difference is I didn't lie to you. Now that I know you have, everything you have ever said to me is a lie. The end.
This must be a record breaking recovery too. Three hours later and I'm fine, actually I feel better. At this point, it's pretty damn funny. Welcome to November...
So you reap what you sow. Right, got that. Karma will bite, got that too. Practice what you preach is probably applicable. Sounds like a good cliche. Recently I had a conversation explaining why you don't read other people's text messages, you don't eve's drop. PERIOD. You are bound to hear or see something you didn't want to, don't understand and take it completely out of context. The only person who will get hurt is you. Well, on the other hand people should lock there phone before putting it in there pocket - and I should have listened to my own advice and hung up. My gut said he was lying about where he was going and I ignored it. There's no way I could ignore the conversation I was hearing. No where had we said we were exclusive, if we were then last Friday night for me never would have happened. The difference is I didn't lie to you. Now that I know you have, everything you have ever said to me is a lie. The end.
This must be a record breaking recovery too. Three hours later and I'm fine, actually I feel better. At this point, it's pretty damn funny. Welcome to November...
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