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So weeks have passed now and I've left you alone. Never wrote anything about it either. Didn't know where to begin. Probably shouldn't do it now, too much in my head. Looking at it from every angle it comes back to the same thing, somewhere I made a mistake. Unsure of what. One day we were fine, then we weren't. Maybe I was wrong and we never were. There are no words that come. Anything that comes to mind would probably make things worse. You always said that it pissed you off when people don't tell you what they're thinking. For me there's so much that I try not to think of you at all. It still happens, when I want to tell you something, ask you a question, reach out to you and all I get is this pain in my heart when I remember I can't. Leave you alone. Then I wonder how you're doing, how your job is going and I miss your conversation, listening, your stories, the way you take things and they way you approach situations. Like you already have the answer, the resolution, before the rest of the world has finished processing the information. Miss the way I knew you. Miss being your friend, sometimes I'm angry that you shut me out, never for long. So what am I thinking? You being happy, if there's no place for me in that, then I just have to deal with it. Do I understand it? Yes and no. Somewhere around the end of May a large part of me vanished. Didn't return until the beginning of September. You helped me thru it, though I wasn't much of a friend then and I leaned on you too much. Making it thru that I thought we had recovered, then you disappeared. That's the "No" part of the equation. Going back to the "anything I say will probably make it worse", I wrote this...this long ramble that you'll never see.