Pride Sucks

What's wrong with me! A friend of mine wants to pay for me to go to Homestead, FL for the final Nascar race of the season...and I can't say yes and I can't say no. Part of me is thinking my god that's a lot of money. Another part is thinking he can afford it and it's once in a lifetime experience. As big a Nascar fan as I am I've never been able to afford to go to a race. I believe, in most circumstances, if you didn't earn it you can't appreciate it. Everything I've gotten I've worked my ass off to get. This is seriously a case of the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and I don't know who to believe. Why is this so hard? Do I really have that much pride??? Just can't get past it, maybe I won't regret saying no, but I know I'll feel small for saying yes. That's my answer.

Until Next Year...

Yes, I watched every moment of the World Series. What movie was that line from? "Watch out kid, they'll break your heart." Not for me, my heart broke for them. Maybe it was the 8 days off, maybe they just went cold, maybe they finally met their match. They did improve over each game, had they made it to game 5 I think they may have won. Since they never made excuses, I'm not going to either. No matter how that series turned out, no one can take away what they accomplished in just getting there. They had a record setting season, that 13 inning game against the Padres will go down in history, won 21 out of 22 and swept the postseason teams they faced. They were the hottest thing in baseball for more than a month. No one can take that away.

Congrats to the Red Sox and their fans... I hope we kick your ass next year. :)

The Road Not Taken

Sometimes I get the feeling that people think I've not done anything interesting. Maybe I've not seen the skyscrapers of New York City, swam with dolphins in the Caribbean or even been to the Grand Canyon. Hell I've only been to the coast four times and I've never been further east than Iowa. Not that the world doesn't interest me, it just has to wait. Since sixteen my life has been another kind of adventure. You want excitement? Lose a two year old at the mall the day after Thanksgiving. In another state. You want a rush? Just see if you can reach the street before he does, when you can hear the car coming and he's at the age that it's fun to run from mommy. Barefoot, at a full run after him, that gravel driveway never seemed so long and so short all at once. Heart pounding thrills? Try to decipher "a fire in the garage" from a wailing three year old (sounds a lot like "I fell off the couch"). Then try to put that fire out before it spreads beyond the garage. Try not to be too mad at him when he brings you the phone saying "Mama, there's a lady" because he called the fire department himself. Not 911, but the fire department. Beauty? Those big blue eyes peering over the bumper pad first thing in the morning. When the day before you swore he wouldn't see daylight again. You can learn to lie. When he's in a hospital bed and looking you in the eyes for your reaction to how bad the neighbor's dog mangled his leg. When all you want to do is puke, instead you smile and say "That's not so bad. They'll be able to fix that up no problem." Make an excuse to duck out into the hallway before your lunch and the tears come out. You can learn to act. When the dean tells you he started the largest food fight in the school's history. All you can think is "how does he not have an ounce of food on him?" and fight back giggles because you're the mom and that stuff's not supposed to be funny. But it is. Sure I remember how bitter cold the ocean was the first time the waves washed over my bare feet along the coast of Oregon. I've watched the sun disappear into the bay in San Diego. Once I saw a tornado in Nebraska (once will always be enough on that experience). I know how loud rain is when beating on the stalks of a cornfield and the how sulphur from a geyser smells. I remember falling asleep in the shade of the aspen trees along the banks of Deer Creek, and having him wake me up to show me the whole stringer of trout he caught by himself. He needed help getting the hook out of his thumb. I also remember the first time he smiled, his first steps, his first lunar eclipse (he exclaimed "Oh No! Mama the moon burned out"), when he learned to ride a bike (and learned to take a fall), when he caught his first fish, his first day of junior high, the first time he was able to pick me up and I can't count the number of times he's made me laugh to tears. Maybe I'm not as worldly, traveled or sophisticated as some but I'm not "missing" anything. Giving him everything he needs to be the best he can. No matter how tough it's been, this is the path that was taken and I wouldn't trade one second of it for a thousand trips around the world.

Well I’m thankful for the things I have,
And all the things I don’t.
And I’ve got dreams that will come true,
And I’ve got some that won’t.
- Chris Knight "Enough Rope"

Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
- Robert Frost

Did I mention?




WORLD SERIES BABY!

This last week was kind of rough. Usually I try not to let people get to me and drag me down. I had every right to be pissed at someone for a minute. We're both lucky we haven't spoken because I would have unloaded on him and been very childish about the whole thing. There were a few choice words that, I now know, were better left unspoken. My censorship mechanism would have been fully disengaged and it would have ended with me being the jerk. With the time that has passed I've been able to think things through. Being able to appreciate the reasons behind the lies doesn't change anything. Part of me is already over it, all of me will never be able to fully trust him again. That's what hurts more than anything.

Anyway today I am feeling way to damn good! Probably emphasized by the fact that I am moving on from that other crap. The Rockies won again last night and I really believe they are World Series bound, they are one win away! At this point they seem unstoppable. Honestly I think my excitement may have even surpassed the Angels winning the World Series in 2002. Remembering the Rockies starting out in the 90's I latched onto them back then, because they were new, but they never really went very far and I lost interest when they only made out of the regular season once. With the Angels choking in the post season I'm thrilled I still have a team to root for, and what amazing games these guys have delivered! Making history with every inning. All the way baby! Where's the broom?

On a side note about the whole getting the hell out of sorryville... If everything goes ok between now and then I will be leaving here in January or February at the latest. A good friend offered me a place to stay, figuring I have enough to move with right now. That should give me enough time to get everything wrapped up here. God my stomach hurts thinking about it! Imagine me not in this hell hole anymore!

Karma Is A Bitch

Once a lie is out there you can't bring it back. It can't be untold. The trust can't be unbroken. The friendship didn't mean enough for you to tell me the truth. Makes me wonder what else you lied to me about because you didn't think I was worth the truth. Did you think I wouldn't notice? Apparently I wasn't that much to lose. Anyone who really knows me is aware of how I feel about lying. Honesty is crucial and its a deal breaker. On the flip side, I also believe in not doing things you will need to lie about later. Never would I have condemned you for your actions, I would have been surprised and got over it. Omission is one thing, but when I ask you a direct question... if you didn't want to say just tell me its none of my business, even if it does effect me. Now I don't believe you anymore. Forgiveness is simple as I will not carry this with me, forgetting will be a lot harder. It's not up to me to pass judgment, but it is up to me to decide the character of those I surround myself with. You reap what you sow. There's no way I'll be around for that harvest.

"I have seldom known anyone who deserted truth in trifles that could be trusted in matters of importance." - William Paley

Cleveland School

While at work today I wrote this... I guess it hit me hard because my son is the same age. His school was locked down last year because someone (an adult) brought a gun on campus.

Sometimes I wish we didn't have the news on in here. Right now all I want to do is go home and hug my son. I can't stop thinking about him. He's 14, too. What could make someone of that age do that? What could be so wrong? How could someone not know? How could a child get to that point and no one notice? At that age you really don't have the concept that death is forever. Now he is, dead at 14.

Everything feels like it has to be now. The kaleidoscope of lights and zig-zag lines across my vision is starting to happen everyday. They told me it was an ocular migraine. My eyeball has a headache. They've told me a lot of things. The best parts of my life, the parts that matter, I want to spend living, working and playing somewhere that appeals to me. Somewhere we can have a better life, somewhere I might be able to afford the medication that can prolong the parts that really matter. It has to be now because I don't know what kind of later there will be. Something's shouldn't be funny, but they have to be. Like when I was driving the other day and I realized if one of my not so great tires picked now to blow... I'm driving on my spare. Not being negative, maybe stupid, but not negative. That's a good indication of how this feels. Four bald tires and no spare. It became funny when I started comparing it to Nascar. Maybe I can get away with just a two tire change this stop for track position. You'll know when I get there. The car with sparks flying, riding on the rims and the driver praying the bearings don't seize. Maybe I can do a Clint Bowyer and cross the finish line upside down on fire. I have to laugh at this stuff because I refuse to cry.

"There comes a time in everyone's life when all you can see are the years passing by, and I have made up my mind those days are gone." - Rascal Flatts

Country Radio Part 2



Somehow on a previous post about country radio I think it may have ended up in a rant that included some artists. This is not a retraction but rather a further explanation. Some artists are radio icons, radio ready or whatever you want to call it. Having earned the place in heavy rotation through whatever means, which sometimes we forget, also includes talent. During other discussions I've had recently I realized the whole point was forgotten. It was not to criticize the artists who are fortunate enough to have their music on the radio, it was to complain about the radio beating those songs to death. To keep myself from burning out on some of my favorites (Tim McGraw, Rascal Flatts and Kenny Chesney) I stopped listening to country radio altogether. This was also to keep from hating the fresh fish that have started out in heavy rotation. Going back to XM radio I've fixed that problem. They play enough variety plus artists you will never find on any Clear Channel station (ie. Steve Earle, Chris Knight, Randy Rogers). Anyway, the argument was never aimed at the artists but radio for the lack of variety. No, I'm not one of those people who are now shutoff to radio all together, I just like to have choices. For someone who can listen to everything from Linkin Park and Blue October to Waylon and Willie, XM is the bomb!