You are 16% geek

OK, so maybe you ain't a geek. You do, at least, show a bit of interest in the world around you. Either that, or you have enough of a sense of humor to pick some of the sillier answers on the test. Regardless, you're probably a pretty nifty, well-rounded person who gets along fine with people and can chat with just about anyone without fear of looking stupid or foolish or overly concerned with minutiae. God, I hate you.

Take the Polygeek Quiz at Thudfactor.com

A Woman

This is written in the Hebrew Talmud, the book where all of the sayings and preaching of Rabbis are conserved over time. It says: "Be very careful if you make a woman cry, because God counts her tears. The woman came out of a man's rib. Not from his feet to be walked on. Not from his head to be superior, but from the side to be equal. Under the arm to be protected, and next to the heart to be loved."

You speak eloquently and have seemingly read every
book ever published. You are a fountain of
endless (sometimes useless) knowledge, and
never fail to impress at a party.
What people love: You can answer almost any
question people ask, and have thus been
nicknamed Jeeves.
What people hate: You constantly correct their
grammar and insult their paperbacks.


What Kind of Elitist Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Red October
In the driveway I stood. My feet bare and cold on the wet concrete. Watching the wisps of purple grey clouds trying to hide the moon as it darkened. Cast in red. I stood watching thinking through the centuries of others who watched. Seeking knowledge, cowering in fear. How alone I felt, staring at that sphere. Hearing the cars go by and the shouts from the softball game across the street. All of us unaware of what the other was missing. In the end the clouds won, taking the red harvest moon from me.

On the other hand...
Red October moon + Red Sox= the curse is over!

isolation
It's a bad one and all I can think is 'hope has left the building'. With it went security (everything fails) and ambition (what's the point?). When you expect nothing you're rarely disappointed. This is the first time I've fallen back in my pit in awhile. At least I recognize it and it doesn't seem too be as deep. It doesn't lessen the pain any, though. Almost like having an epiphany and getting hit by a Mack truck at the same time. It came on so sudden and so hard. My own thoughts and emotions are my enemy. I know this. When I fall back down that's all I have. This may seem scattered, I'm rambling but at least I'm trying. If everything fails...maybe the meds are too?

A new addition...
In the right nav bar we have music...finally!

I have something too confess. I've wanted to for awhile but I wanted too make sure it was right. Also to make sure I was ok. After a long time with bouts of "the blues" and then periods of, what I thought was, being fine. It was getting worse and I didn't know it. No one around me could tell, I was a master at disguise. I started to really wonder when it started effecting my job. I couldn't focus on a thing. My entire job requires attention to detail and I didn't have it to give. That was my first clue that something might be wrong. My second clue was horrible. I had a panic attack. While I was driving. In 5 'o'clock fucking traffic. For no reason. Ya know how ya feel right before you faint? Like everything is swimming? I was crying, but couldn't breathe. My hands were shaking then numb, my face and feet went numb too. I thought I was having a stroke. It lasted almost an hour. I didn't know what a panic attack was until I told my friend what happened. I confessed too him one night everything. The intense highs and lows. The horrible thoughts. The time "I went crazy in my truck" (panic attack). I really thought I was going crazy. With his advise I went to the doctor. I'm not crazy. I'm bipolar. For the first time since I was a child I feel normal. I have middle ground again. My only wish is that I would have found out sooner. Thank god I did find out before it was too late.

Here is a meme I got from AC... The ones in bold I have done. Click here to continue...

Well beyond all the scam stuff I am still here. My truck broke. Ignition coil, timing belt, fuel pump and yes that would be all at the same time. I should have known that it would - it's summer. One exit further from where the tranny and clutch went last summer, which was one exit past where my van broke the summer before. I'm staying off the 95 during the summer. Somethings have been replaced and until other things are replaced I have a new place for the spiders to spin their webs. Then Rob's transmission went on Saturday and his phone got cut off. I also found out that if your drunk, homeless ex-husband breaks into your house, slams your head against the wall a few times that the police have no say in the matter if you're still married. So just to recap... My truck is broke, Rob's truck is broke (and phone shut off), cops no longer arrest people for domestic violence even if they live in the park across the street from your house. But they will go have a talk with him.

Rob did finally get to meet my ex's girlfriend, on accident. The only way I can think of describing his reaction is the look on a person's face after they have unknowingly taken a swig from a carton of rotten milk. You can't hide that reaction even if you are trying to be polite. All you can do is walk away. Like he did, and mutter "Oh my god, that thing is fuckin ugly." He finally looked up at me, with a half way grin, and said "Goddamn that scared me." It not so much that she's hideous, but she's a horrible wench.

Anyway at least I got Directv installed a couple weeks ago, with TiVo. Keeps me entertained. Plus I get to walk everywhere, which makes my ass smaller and that's a good thing lol.

ok, back to our regularly scheduled programming...

I'm taking it that due to the number of hits I've received from search engines (people searching for the 800 number) that the program the nice Indian fellow was talking about is a scam. No matter what Mr. Shotter says. Yes I did finally receive a response from him. Spewing more crap about how legimate the business is. He blames India based outsource companies for the misrepresentation of their wonderful grant program. I say bullshit. The email is entirely too long to post, I have not replied to it either. Honestly I'm a bit tired of the whole thing. If anyone would like to read it email me or leave a comment with your email addy.

I've been thinking about revamping the design of this site. I'm pretty tired of it like it is. As you can probably tell html is not my strong point. I know enough to get by. I've looked at a few sites that provide blog skins but I didn't see what I was looking for. If anyone has any ideas let me know.

An interesting turn...

An email in response to scam post on August 4th...

From: Sam Shotter
Subject: Those phonecalls

Hi! Natalie,
I came across your blog "I'd like to fly...". I read the part on "Government Grant" and you advising the agent to quit. The company is indeed based in Utah (St. George). However, it helps people get grant by supplying them with information and support that is self sufficient to get the grant. All citizens of the US are eligible to recieve government grants. The company follows a clear policy of refunding the $249 fee, in case the customer does not get a grant. It is sad that a good service was brought to you in an extremely distasteful way by the teleseller. I hope I have put a few of your doubts at rest. Coming back to account info, we so very readily give out cheques to strangers, if it was possible to 'scam' using the info on your cheque leaf, most of us would be bankrupt!
Do mail me, if you have any queries.

Regards,
Sam

My reply...

Hmmm that’s funny. Do you work for them? The guy identified himself as an employee of the federal government. Wouldn’t that alone be a crime? The government doesn’t solicit its grants over the phone. There was no talk of supplying information so that I may apply for a grant. He never spoke of a fee for this grant. Anyway I do have a few queries for you. Maybe you can answer them since he couldn’t? Why does no one answer that phone number? Why are so many scams associated with that phone number when they offer the same thing that he was? Why do FEMA, The Consumer Protection Division of West Virginia, WIXT of Syracuse, NY, SEMA of Missouri and the Better Business Bureau all have warnings associated with this number? Why is it associated with a credit card protection service as well? Why is the name of the company registered with the BBB in Utah different from the name of the company he gave me? Why does this company operate under 17 different names in Florida alone? If what you said is true about not being able to debit an account using the routing number and account number from my check then why can my utility companies do it, over the phone, with the same information he was asking for? I’m including a couple of links that you may find interesting.

http://www.bbbwestflorida.org/commonreport.html?bid=90004144

http://www.google.com/search?q=800-551-7099&hl=en&lr=&ie=UTF-8&filter=0

Still haven't received a response. Sam ya out there??? Well let's see if I get any of my questions answered...

Oooh! Oooh! I gotta share this before I forget. I have fun with telemarketers when they call if I'm bored. Well last Friday I was. I get a call from this guy, very "Indian" (dots not feathers) I mean he sounded fresh off the boat. In my experience they are not as fun as they don't get some American stuff. I decided to try anyway. He starts out the conversation saying that I have been awarded a grant from the government in the amount of $8,000. He then verfies my name and address...
me: why do I get this money?
guy: for being a good tax paying citizen
me: Cool so when will the check get here?
guy: we cannot send by check...
me: I'll take cash
guy: Ma'am we will deposit it directly into your bank account.
me: Oh sure, you must have that info on record from when I got my tax refund.
guy: Is your bank "x" with a routing number of "xxxx"?
me: Sounds right.
guy: I just need the next series of digits from your check book.
me: (laughing) Are you crazy? I'm not giving you my account number. Send me a check.
guy: I work for the federal government and I already have your routing number...
me: Anybody can get that number, I'm not impressed. What branch of the government do you work for?
guy: For the federal government of the United States..
me: I understand that, but what branch? What department?
guy: I don't understand...
me: What part of the Federal government do you work for...
guy: Utah
me: Utah? That's a state.
guy: Utah
me: What part of Utah?
guy: St. George, now if I can get your checking account number...
me: No, send me a check, send my bank a check I don't care but I'm not giving you that number. What do you do for people that don't have a bank account? Do that for me.
guy: We give them time to open an account and then we call them back.
me: Well I'm pretty busy, and I'll have to open another account just for this so give me your company name and number and I'll call you back when I have it.
guy: 1-800-551-7099
me: company name?
guy: New Federal Grant Information (continues trying to get checking info, but I'm dialing the 800 number on my cell)
me: Ok why does no one answer that number? I just get a recording saying thank you for calling customer service.
guy: We are very busy trying to help other...
me: But your company doesn't even identify itself on the recording, any legitimate business would at least identify itself...
guy: Ma'am I assure you this is the federal government...
me: Tell you what, I want the toll number, the local number to your office.
guy: What number? I don't have any other number...
me: What number do you use to call in sick? That's the number I want, if you're in St.George it should start area code 435...
guy: I can't give you that number...
me: You can't give me your local number and you want my checking account number? (googling 800 number now)
guy: Ma'am...
me: (I start reading him the news article from New York)
guy: Where are you getting this information from?
me: The internet (start reading article from Attorney General West Virginia). Do you understand what that means?
guy: No, I make calls they pay me hourly.
me: It's a scam. You are ripping people off. You get account numbers and who you work for takes the money out of their account.
guy: What I'm doing is a scam? Where are you reading this?
me: The internet, Attorney General for the State of West Virginia. They are looking for the people you work for and they are going to put them in jail.
guy: Jail?
me : yea it's illegal, look from one person to another I also work in a call center...
guy: You do? You make calls?
me: No, I take calls from customers for a legitimate business, you need to quit and find another job because they will put you in jail too. Ok?
guy: So I should quit.
me: Yes before you go to jail.
guy: Thank you.
me: You're welcome.

Tada! My work is done here. I finally got one to quit.

Somebody did it. Finally a song about what I was trying to explain in an earlier post. I heard it on the radio and it made my hair stand up. "We all have a song that somehow stamped our lives that takes us to another place and time." Thanks Mr. Chesney for explaining things again, making it make sense and then setting it to music.

Oh yea, just an FYI he also did "The Tinman" which is where I got my email addy and photo site name. Just another song that fit the time and place of the end of my first life and the beginning of my second. Riding in the car, with my then husband, that song played as we held hands and broke each others hearts.

When I see everyone else laughing and having fun, couples talking and holding hands, I feel so alone. Set apart from the world. Am I invisible? Does anyone know I'm here? Even with someone next to me I know it's fleeting. Someday it will end, too. Sure the facade I carry out is a great one. Big smile in place everyday. What a great mask it is. I think it may be crumbling away or I just don't care to carry it out anymore. What are you supposed to do when the past was so good it seems like someone else's life, the present has moments of happiness spread so thin that you daydream about them, and the future looks so bleak you don't care to see it?

It's funny how a song can take you back. The exact moment. The exact feeling. Suspended in time until the music brings it all rushing back. When 10 years ago seems like the present. I remember our first date. The casino was giving out those stupid playing cards at the door, the ones neither one of us was old enough to use. I think we missed most of that concert lost in conversation. Discovering each other. Watching your fascination with me as I was lost in you. Thrilled just holding your hand. A few weeks later I was teasing you about the amount of trash you could accumulate in the pockets of that big army jacket you wore back then. That night you had gotten the ace of hearts, it was still in your jacket. I wrote on that card the chorus to the lyrics that became our song. You kept that card for years. I wanted you to know how I was feeling. I tried to make it a joke even thou my heart was on my sleeve. You took it from me, I smiled. One tear. I saw it when you looked up. I knew I loved you then, but you actually said it.

I went and saw Fahrenheit 9/11 last night. I am not pro bush, I'm not in favor of the deaths of American serviceman for a cause like this. Still that movie pissed me off. First off I probably should have looked into a bit before seeing it. I thought it was a documentary about 9/11. My fault there. I didn't know it was anti-Bush propaganda movie. Beyond making fun of the president it made fun of Americans and it made fun of the troops. It made our soldiers out to be a bunch of ignorant baby killers. Specifically the Marines and the Army. When "facts" are thrown out there without support they are called opinions. This movie is nothing more than Michael Moore's opinion of events. I'm sure he'll get rich off it. It's also very convenient that this movie's release is right before the election. I wonder who helped fund it? Nice one, man.

WooHoo! A quiz for me...


Down in a Hole


What Alice in Chains song are you? (complete with pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

One for The Gipper...
He was the first president I remember. He's as much a part of my early memories as any other 80's icon. He was on the news that my father watched, without fail, every night. His image mingled with the smells of dinner cooking and other jumbled odds and ends. He was the president when I learned what a president was. Before that understanding, I remember knowing his importance as it seemed to radiate from him. Who else could interupt the nightly sit-coms and game shows on every channel? I may not have a particular memory about him, but I remember him.

Last Cigarette:: about 10 minutes ago
Last Alcoholic Drink:: heineken a week or two ago
Last Car Ride:: 3 hours ago to sunrise hospital and back (b/f works there)
Last Kiss:: about 3 hours ago
Last Good Cry:: Thursday
Last Library Book checked out:: ummm,uh, wow quite awhile ago. I vaguely remember getting "A River Runs Thru It" maybe 10 years ago? Does my son count?
Last movie Seen in Theatres:: The Hulk
Last Book Read:: The Summons by John Grisham
Last Movie Rented:: The Hours
Last Cuss Word Uttered:: Fuck, repeatedly
Last Beverage Drank:: coffee
Last Food Consumed:: muffin from the wheel of death at work
Last Crush:: No way am I putting that here. I had a crush on my b/f when he was the security guard at work, before he asked me out, does that count?
Last Phone Call:: My son who's in kansas til monday
Last TV Show Watched:: Friends is on right now
Last Time Showered:: 5am
Last Shoes Worn:: sandals and I wished I'd kept them on, damn stickers (see last cuss word uttered)
Last CD Played:: a burned one, last song was either "fine again" seether or "margaritaville" jimmy buffett
Last Item Bought:: see last food consumed
Last Download:: Tweak XP image resizer for my brother
Last Annoyance:: stickers dammit
Last Disappointment:: my paycheck
Last Soda Drank:: mountain dew tuesday
Last Thing Written:: see above
Last Key Used:: e
Last Word Spoken:: owwww shit
Last Sleep:: from 1am to 5am
Last IM:: eddie can't check his one hotmail account, it close the IE window, told him to clear cache and cookies, waiting on response...
Last Sexual Fantasy:: today about last night ;)
Last Weird Encounter:: ran into brooklyn bob at the smoke shop yesterday
Last Ice Cream Eaten: frosty from wendy's several weeks ago
Last Time Amused:: reminding Tammy why no one in her family should drink
Last Time Hugged:: about 3 hours ago
Last Time Scolded:: lol by someone else? two weeks ago. payday.
Last Time Resentful:: i plead the 5th
Last Chair Sat In:: umm at work, I'm on the couch now
Last Underwear Worn:: the ones i'm wearing
Last Bra Worn:: the one i'm wearing, too small, things are cramped lol
Last Shirt Worn:: black nylon starter shirt, the type with the little holes
Last Webpage Visited:: hotmail to see if I can get into eddie's mail

stolen from AC and Crazy Neighbor lady cuz they're my heroes. ;)

These were absolutely amazing, I had to grab the camera. The sunset seems to illuminate there faces. Take a look and see if you see the same thing I did.

Pictures

I had someone play this song for me last night, to me. It about broke my heart. I never thought anyone would see me in that light. I never meant too come across that way. Yet here I am. As I listened to the words it was worse, so much worse. When I realized what he was feeling towards me was how I feel towards someone else. I don't need or want the soap opera. If I could ever get the truth out of anyone... Hell I'd prolly still see it as a lie.

Sometimes things aren't funny until later. I let my dogs out like always but the bitchy old yorkie did not want to go out (she don't realize she needs to pee sometimes). So I booted her out. Well when ever I piss her off she runs away. Which usually means she walks from the back of the house to the front. So I shouldn't have been surprised when I went back out there and she was gone. What did surprise me, when I went back thru the house, was the sound of horns blaring out in front. The street in front of my house is a major 6 lane street, posted 45 mph. Traffic on the far side is stopped and I see my little dog run out from in front of all of it. Then I see an Explorer rear end a stopped car and the guy behind him slams into him. My dog is now in the center turning lane. Traffic is still flying by in the other three lanes. I closed my eyes, I couldn't watch. When I opened them she was in the driveway. I grabbed her, foot ball style, and ran in the house with her. Then it sunk in. There are three cars piled up out there because someone stopped for my dog. My dog. I'm responsible. What do I do? Do I go talk to them? What do you say? "Thanks for not hitting my dog and I'm real sorry about your car. I have to go to work now, I'm sure your boss will understand why you're late. Have a nice day!" I felt so horrible. Guilty. My dad said it wasn't my fault, they are not required to stop for an animal. So I went to work. Knowing in my gut it was wrong. The next day after thinking about it awhile I realized my dog made it across 6 lanes of rush hour traffic. Twice. Reminded me of a fucked up version of Frogger. It's been funny ever since.

I did redeem my self later that night...more on that later.

Three Questions

I must say that there was a particular question that I really had to think about for a loong time. The answer didn't come to me immediately as there were so many possibilities. Anyway...here's the answers:

1). how was your day? Well I've been up for an hour or two and have already gotten in a fight with somebody, so not so hot right now.
2). what's holiday plan for this coming May? I plan to go fishing at least a few days this month before it gets to hot, the trout leave after it warms up.
3). do you think its wierd that i come here for the first time and ask you 3 question? Not really.

1. What is your name? Natalie
2. What is your quest? Currently trying to finish Splinter Cell. Other than that just the usual, happiness and trying to pay the bills. I'd also like to see Dale Jr and Ryan Newman win a title in my lifetime lol.
3. What is the air-speed velocity of a Laden Swallow? African or European? Less than an unladen one? The first time I was ever asked that was during an interview for a promotion at work.

1) how tall are you? 5'7"
2) what's ur shoe size? 9
3) what's ur fav. animal (and/or color if you cant think of one)? dogs, purple and green

1. favorite computer operating system?XP, it what I'm using now and I'm content with it. I'm very burnt out on computers. I just want mine too work when I use it. I've wanted to play around with linux or BSD. I would really like to learn how to use a Mac if someone would like to donate me one. :D
2. what single word best describes you? my boyfriend said beautiful and I say complex
3. if you could bring one person back to life who would it be and why? I really thought about this for awhile. I thought about my grandpa, so grandma wouldn't be so lonely anymore, but then he would be in pain again. I thought about my friend that I watched die when I was 15, but how would that change me and my friend that was there? I thought about my mom's father so she could find out why he denied his family, but would that really help her? I thought about the man that was struck and killed by a drunk driver last summer in front of his son. The driver was three time over the legal limit and drove for a mile with him on his hood. He's in jail for a long time now. If that hadn't happened who else would be dead? While I'm at it how about we bring back layne staley for another album and chris farley for another movie. ;) In other words my answer is no one. Everyone's death serves a purpose no matter how obscure it may be. I just can't answer that one, too many possibilities.





Oh yea, and I did notice that the numbers doo the same thing on mine lol!

I'm not working, what I now know was a leasurely, graveyard shift in tech support anymore. I'm in hell. I'm on days. I've gone from taking maybe 10 to 20 calls a night, surfing the web, writing in my blog and playing cards to non stop calls. These people are wearing me the fuck out. One of these days my mute button will fail and I will be unemployed. Example:
Me: Click OK
Cust: Should I click OK?
Me: Yes, click OK.
Cust: So click on OK?
Me: (mute)No dumbass maybe if ya sit there and stare at it long enough it will click itself (unmute) Yes, Please click OK now (mute) so I can get tha fuck off this call (unmute) so we can continue.

In light of my new found 'love' of my job I am reposting this.

Guide When Calling Tech Support
I will not hold your hand. Please have your hearing aid on and your reading glasses available when you call. If you've had your pc for three years I hope you have a basic understanding of what it is, what it does and where things go. I will not giggle with you when you say you are computer stupid or "computer illiterate". Buy a book, educate yourself. That's not my job. Ford doesn't include any driving lessons when you buy a car. Know the difference between an area code and a zip code. Please be sober. The computer tower is not called a modem and I will not refer to it as such. Yes if you try to email 100 pics to your grandma/sister/uncle/cousin it will freeze your computer. Please speak English, not to be rude here, but if you can't understand me and I can't understand you things could get ugly. Please have your computer on. Know which version of Windows you are using, very simple it says it everytime you turn on your pc. Office 2000 Professional, Microsoft Word, ME/2000 and my favorite "Flying Windows" are not versions of Windows. Oh yea, and Windows 2000 only came in the professional version (as far as anyone I talk to knows), saying it doesn't impress me it only makes me realize your level of knowledge. Do not brag to me about your job, or that you're a system admin/consultant/your office's pc god. You are still calling me for help so let me do my job, because I promise that you will feel stupid and I will feel underpaid when I tell you that you have the phone cord plugged into the wrong jack. Yes your husband is visting porn sites, that's where the pop ups come from. Please muzzle your dog or put him somewhere. If your child/baby wakes up or is crying that should be your priority, not your computer. For God sakes KNOW THE ERROR. Write it down! Know where it happens or at least how to reproduce it. "It just doesn't work" doesn't help me, soo I won't help you.

I just watched "lost in translation". What an odd, deep, moving and solitary story, like trains passing in the night. I could totally identify with both characters. Sometimes I'm wandering thru my own Tokyo on a daily basis.

I also watched Gothika (or however you spell it). It deserves mention because that's the first movie to actually make me scream in forever. It's nice to know that when I jump and scream the only one left to defend me will be my brother's cat. Both my guardogs bailed, yea it was that loud. Funny thou, when someone else makes me scream they attack. ;)

Tickling! Get your mind out of the gutter! lol

I want everyone who reads this to ask me 3 questions, no more no less. Ask me anything you want. Then I want you to go to your journal, copy and paste this allowing your friends (including myself) to ask you anything.

Credit to AC...

Ya know why I like kids? It's like seeing everything, the first time, all over again.

April was a bad month for music. Two years ago today was when I first heard of his death. I remember I was driving home and they were playing "Nutshell" on the radio. I'd never heard it on the radio before. I guess I wasn't really surprised. Upset yes, but not surprised. Someone gave me "Facelift" when I was 13. That voice totally took me in. Hopefully he found the peace he was looking for.

With the other anniversary today I still can't watch that footage without crying. I know as a parent that's one of the scariest possibilities out there. You can't help but hug your own and thank God they're safe.

I think some times as long as I can write I'll be ok. I can sometimes literally feel the weight being lifted from my heart. Kinda like pulling the splinter or sucking out the poison. Thou it does make for some depressing shit sometimes because it's the worst. It's always the worst that comes out.


hate breathing
pain is seeping
from every pore
from the very core
of me
tired of weeping
gun up to the mouth
kiss it all goodbye
decision's final
when it hurts more
to stay
than to go

-me

I remember being very angry when he died. What a chickenshit way to go. Then when his wife read "the note" on MTV and it just reinforced those feelings. If ya didn't want to play anymore fine. Thanks for the music and go on your way. No need to die and leave behind your wife and daughter. About a year ago I found this site . Read the timeline and draw your own conclusion. It's not as black and white as a gun and a note.

I was watching "Rebel without a Cause" today after having this song stuck in my head for days. It also made me think of the old man at the cemetery behind my house. I used to go there a lot because my grandparents ashes are there. I missed them terribly after they died. They are in the mausoleum. The doors are locked sometimes, but the section of the wall where they are is right next to the window. So I would stand outside the window. Everytime I was there so was the old man, and even if he wasn't in sight his car was. Didn't matter the time of day, he was always there. If he saw me he would let me in and advise me that I should ask for a key. They had given him a key. I never asked why he was there. I guess I really didn't have to. I was there late one day and he left before I did. I walked over to his area. The most decorated part of that wall. She was beautiful and she had been there about 8 years.

I Wanna Be Loved Like That

Natalie Wood gave her heart to James Dean
The high school rebel and the teenage queen
Standin together in an angry world
One boy fightin for one girl

I wanna be loved like that, I wanna be loved like that
A promise you can't take back
If you're gonna love me
I wanna be loved like that

Daddy never gave Momma a diamond ring
But Momma never wanted for anything
But what he gave her it came from the heart
In a bond that was never torn apart

An old man kneeling all alone
Plants his flowers in a garden of stone
For seven years now she's been gone
And his devotion is still goin strong

I wanna be loved like that, I wanna be loved like that
A promise you can't take back
If you're gonna love me
I Wanna be loved like that

-Shenandoah

Yellow Vibes

Your Energy is Yellow. You are generous, bright, and expressive. An excellent communicator, you keep your audience captivated with your animated storytelling. Sometimes you talk too much, but when you learn to listen you will be sought out for your talents to advise. The communications field appeals to you as a profession. Public speaking, writing, radio, acting or teaching would also be good career choices.

What color is your energy?

Quotes of the Week:

Love energy cannot pass between two lives lived in lies. Only
truth is erotic.

Be true to yourself ...now ....because
Now is the only time that there is. - Shane

This one is not a quote but I dunno where else to post it...

A father noticed that his son was spending way too much time playing computer games.

In an effort to motivate the boy into focusing more attention on his
schoolwork, the father said to his son, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

The son replied, "Well, when Lincoln was your age, he was The President of The United States."

"Put on my blue suede shoes and I boarded the plane..."
I've gotten a burr again. This one has been festering for many years, thou. I want out of here, if only for a little while. There's a certain place that has been...I don't want to say "calling me" it sounds cheesy, but that's the only way I can think of. I have always had a serious love/hate relationship with living here. I thought my parents were insane when we moved. I remember at some point during the drive here, looking out the window at central Nevada, feeling sick. Where were the trees??? I had spent my life up to that point in Oregon and Washington. I have learned to see the beauty in the desert and appreciate it's differences. I will never get used to the people. I will never get used to the transient nature of Las Vegas. I swear to god nowhere else on earth are natives almost non existent. Everybody is from somewhere else. I got a little sidetracked there, I won't turn this into a rant about here. Anyway, I found where I want to go. I have no idea why, but 1500 miles is pretty far to go on a whim. It just seems right and maybe that's all I need. And a vacation. :)

Holy crap! I did the Blogger-Mobile-Bingo thing at The Purple Porch and somehow got 7 out of 9 right! Go try it!

I haven't gone anywhere. Just dealing with crap. Have you ever found yourself smack dab in the middle of a situation you swore to yourself would never be an issue for you? I can't even bring myself to say it outloud. So typing it is not going to happen. This is potentially a moral dilemma. Then again I could be wrong, but something tells me I'm not. I always thought this answer would be easy for me. Of course my heart being involved never crossed my mind either. It's easy to theorize things until your actually face to face with it. I feel adrift in the ocean, at the mercy of the tide. Storms are coming and there's no shore in sight. Please God, let me be wrong.

Quotes of the Week

It's a fearful thing to love what death can touch.

"Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within." -James Baldwin

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I --
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."
-Robert Frost

"... but you can love completely without complete understanding." -Norman Mclean

Drugs have taught an entire generation of American kids the metric system.

Simon

Catch your breath,
Hit the wall,
Scream out loud,
As you start to crawl
Back in your cage
The only place
Where they will
Leave you alone.
'Cause the weak will
Seek the weaker til they've broken them.
Could you get it back again?
Would it be the same?
Fulfillment to their lack of strength at your expense,
Left you with no defense;
They tore it down.

And I have felt the same as you,
I've felt the same as you,
I've felt the same.

Locked inside
The only place
Where you feel sheltered,
Where you feel safe.
You lost yourself
In your search to find
Something else to hide behind.

The fearful always preyed upon your confidence.
Did they see the consequence,
when they pushed you around?
The arrogant build kingdoms made of the different ones,
Breaking them 'til they've become just another crown.

And I have felt the same as you,
I've felt the same as you,
I've felt the same.

Refuse to feel anything at all,
Refuse to slip,
Refuse to fall.
Can't be weak,
Can't stand still,
You watch your back 'cause no one will.
You don't know why they had to go this far,
Traded your worth for these scars,
For your only company.
And don't believe the lies
That they have told to you. Not one word was true
you're alright, you're alright, you're alright.

- Lifehouse

I'm feelin trapped, a little cornered. Like a dog on it's back. Some times I feel like screaming because I let myself get here. One line keeps running thru my head. "Show your belly like you want me to." I could walk away. I could run. Yet there's this little voice that keeps nagging me telling me to hold on. That he's actually worth it. It's so easy to listen to that voice and ignore the one that's telling me to get out now, before it's too late, before you're too far gone. What have I always lived by? "I could have missed the pain, but I'd of had to miss the dance." In other words I can't know happiness without the possibility of pain. No one ever mentioned to me that it would be hard to let someone in again. I feel like a dog that's been cornered and I'm trying really hard not to bite. That outstretched hand may not be a menace. Then again what's he holding behind his back...

Quotes Of The Week

"We judge ourselves by what we feel capable of doing, while others judge us by what we have already done." - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (credit to ac for that one)

I believe the internet is an information source, not a lifestyle choice.

Only dead fish go with the flow.

Education is the ability to listen to anything without losing your temper or self confidence.

There are times when I catch myself thinking and I wish I could stop. Just not think for awhile. Something gets into my brain and it's like a burr, a sliver, and I can't stop until it's been eradicated. Until I've picked it apart and seen it from every angle. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. No one should think like this. It's not healthy. This prevents me from enjoying simple things because I have to make them more than they are. I want to accept things at face value. No more turning over shiny pennies and looking for the tarnish, or for that matter, turning over cruddy pennies and looking for the shine. It's not pessimism here. I look for the good in the crap, and the crap in the good. Not everything can be multifaceted like I expect. Sometimes things just are and it's not for me to figure it out. What scares me is the quote I listed below... "Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know." Supposedly said by Ernest Hemingway. Anyone remember his cause of death?

Oh he's going to hurt me for this!!! He actually said "this better not end up on the internet..." He's goooooood thou, seriously good. Wanna hear? It's him singing at the Roadhouse. I'm going to try and get a better recording soon...

Friday Five

When was the last time you...

1. ...went to the doctor?
When the starter went out on my truck. I ruptured a disc in my back pushing my truck up and down the driveway for 45 minutes trying to get it to start. I was also beating on it with a wrench. So it went: Try to start it. Curse lots. Get out on my hands and knees in the gravel under the truck. Hit the starter. Back in the truck. Try to start it. Curse lots. Get out push it up and down the driveway. Try to start it. Curse lots. Repeat. I couldn't walk the next day.

2. ...went to the dentist?
October of 2002. I had an infection from jammed food in my gums. My gums swelled up enough to seperate my lower front teeth. The dentist likened it to removing a splinter. I'd rather give birth again. After 8 shots of novacain, lots of blood, some tears and about an hour he got it all out. He was nice enough to call me the next day, from home on a Saturday, to see how I was doin. Better than some guys I've dated.

3. ...filled your gas tank?
Ummm a month ago. Never fill it up unless I'm goin on a roadtrip. I'm pretty impatient and a $5 will usually do the trick.

4. ...got enough sleep?
Never, working graveyard makes that next to impossible.

5. ...backed up your computer?
This thing has a reverse??? ;) When the mood strikes. Not often enough. My pictures and my mp3's are permanetly located on an external USB drive. And yes I do tech support so I know the importance of backing up.

Just some random thoughts…hehehe….

I’m wondering what kind of grade I’m going to get on my son’s 5th grade science project…we used gummy bears.

Coke had the same effect that peroxide did…scary.

I’m proud of the hole my dog dug in the backyard, it’s impressive.

My boyfriend sang me Good Morning Beautiful on my voice mail once.

I once answered the “what are you thinking about” question honestly with my ex-boyfriend.

I was thinking about buying a paint by numbers. He laughed and said he loved me.

I did not return the favor.

I outran a cop once. In the same car my ex-husband drove off an overpass.

I should be cleaning, but I think I’m just going to go to sleep.

Ni-night.

New Addition
Quotes of the week:

Life gets interesting once you know you can bail yourself out instantly.

When life hands you lemons ask for tequila and salt.

"Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know" - Ernest Hemingway

To fall in love is to create a religion that has a fallible god.

She knows this all too well. Pulling deep inside herself. Isolation. Trying to hide. Turn off the burning, radiating from the inside out. A fire fueled with deception and lies. Every road leads here. Shunned or accepted. Acceptance is lies yet to be revealed. The path is the same only with different faces and names. Different lies to cover the same truth. You're not enough. Never will be. Nowhere do you belong.

Here I am. At work. Again. Bored. I knew that they would eventually move him to another post. That's what security companies do. I've been here six years I know this. What I didn't know is that I would miss him so fucking much. I don't even want to be here (not that I ever really did anyway). He made it bearable for the last couple of months. It's probably better that we don't work together. He's got a better position where they moved him to. It is a hospital so if he gets hurt, help is right there. Dammit, there are nurses thou. I'm trying to find a bright side to this and it's not working. I just want him here, with me, like always. I want to feel safe again. I don't feel like that with the toothless grandpa guarding the entrance now. Another side of it is maybe we can use the breathing room. I woke up this morning to 25 voice mails on my cell and 6 on my landline. The phones still ringing. He couldn't get a hold of me for two hours and was checking the hospital to see if I was there. How sweet, our first fight was on Valentine's Day. And here I sit, missing him so I guess it's all good.

Unconscious Mutterings
1 Identity:: thief
2 Reveal:: too much
3 Live:: loud
4 Attitude:: negative
5 Night:: dark
6 Nevada:: desert (my home btw)
7 Weekend:: sleep
8 Write:: blank (writer's block???)
9 Friend:: person
10 Seventeen:: magazine

Meghan did this really cool post about love. One of the best descriptions I've ever read.

On a side note... This is what a llama looks like about a second before it decides it does not want to be hugged...

Do men love the way that women do? Can you love that way more than once? I’m talking about that all consuming, heart pounding, knee weakening, insomnia causing kind of love. The kind of love that gradually turns into something deeper. Where you crave no one but her. Does that happen more than once in a lifetime? Or once burned do you always hold something back? I know that the whole magic to first love is that you really think that it will never end. Knowing that it can end, and the pain of real heart break, can a person ever love that way again? Comments Please!

This is a little screwy... How can it say that the probability of two disorders that seem the exact opposite of each other is high for me? That's crazy! Ummm or maybe I am??? ;) It would be like being pulled in two directions. I'm avoidant. I'm dependent. Ewww that would be confusing.

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Low
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	Moderate
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Moderate
Histrionic:	Moderate
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	High
Dependent:	Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Low
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

Unconscious Mutterings

1.Ignore:: blank
2.Death:: skeleton
3.Missy:: trouble
4.Ballet:: slippers
5.Guest:: card
6.Campus:: college
7.Lonely:: isolated
8.Company:: business
9.Helicopter:: blades
10.Sterile:: kids

Just a little word association...

He gave me a book. I was short with him and he gave me a book. I was determined to ignore him. It wasn’t working. Nobody makes me nervous and nobody fills my stomach with butterflies. Nothing good could possibly come of it. He was too cute, too perfect. When he smiled I felt sick to my stomach. Best to ignore him. Besides the way the security companies do things at work he’d be switched out in a month or so anyway. I didn’t find any solace in that. I talked to him online after he asked for my yahoo id. He wanted to know why I was so hard to get. Because he was perfect, that’s why. On our first date I found out I wasn’t the only one with butterflies, he actually thought he was getting sick. Did I really have that effect on somebody? I know how I was feeling. Nervous. Nauseated. Self conscious. The first time we kissed I felt light headed, dizzy most of the way home. We call it “twitterpated”…I was walking along minding my own business and bam! Twitterpated. He would have asked for my phone number, but I was short with him. Being shy, he asked me if I wanted the book instead and hoped I’d figure it out. So it started with a book (and many more since) and we ended up in love. So much for ignoring him…

...and that was how November ended this year.

Riding in the truck on Friday with my son and my ex-husband, a rare experience itself, my son starts telling us about this amazing guy he saw on Ripley's Believe It or Not. The details are a little hazy coming from 10 year old. What I got from it, and what he was most impressed by, was that the man had been shot in the head, lost part of his skull and not only lived but only suffered minor brain damage. Lucky guy, right. My son starts telling us how they repaired his head thru plastic surgery. Repaired it using plastic. Me and his dad both tried assuring him that they did not use plastic to replace part of the skull, titanium maybe, but plastic definitely not. He insisted they used plastic. Luckily at this point we were sitting at a traffic light. I turned to my son and again explained that I was sure plastic was not involved. Very flustered and very loudly my son shouts "MOMMMM! Duuuuh! Why do you think they call it PLASTIC surgery for???" and then rolls his eyes in a "I can't believe you could be so stupid" sort of way. Of course at this point me and his dad are in a pretty good fit of laughter and he's looking at us like he missed something. Little moments....:)