Tired

If for just one time there was something at the end of the struggle. A moment, a reason, time that happiness would touch me... Instead of paying for every occurrence. Like I pay ten times over for one shiny moment. To fall away into darkness again, down a twisted path where everything is just an obstacle. Nothing is easy. Not for a second. I'm tired, of everyday a struggle and nothing to show. Just one time I'd like have a moment that I don't end up paying for, a moment that doesn't have a dark biting reality to it, a moment to step back and say yeah I deserve this. Instead of just cold truths. That's me, that person that nothing quite works out for, yet things aren't quite that bad. Like walking down the center median. Tired of the status quo, just let me fail completely or... I dunno get it over with. Tired of being in the middle and looking at the bottom. I'm tired.

"It's like the bottom of the ninth
And I'm never gonna win
This life hasn't turned out
Quite the way I want it to be"

-Nickelback

"There's nothing ever wrong but nothing's ever right
Such a cruel contradiction"

-Shinedown

"My dad, he had a friend, lowdown till the end
Everything he did, it came out wrong
No matter how hard he tried
He never cheated, he never lied
Had a shotgun in his hand when he died

Everybody's got their own way, tomorrow's another day
Make of it what you will, as you're climbing up that hill
Always be prepared to pay"

-Cross Canadian Ragweed

Time Marches On

Tomorrow another year has passed. Another year older. As my friend pointed out the other night he's now closer to 30 than I am. Bite me. What did I do with it? Not much. Thinking tonight I may have surpassed the age where, if I were to die, people wouldn't see me with unfulfilled potential. I'd like to think that I still have some left. Some part of me is still longing to go to school, now before it's too late. Several fears associated with that. What if I sign up and I can't do it? Sometimes reading even a magazine article is difficult anymore. What field of study should I choose? What won't bore me and what would I be good at? Lastly, where the hell do I find the time? These questions loom whenever my mind wanders back to finishing the enrollment. Puts me in limbo again. If I sign up it also commits me to staying here. So I wait. Knowing there is a 50 year old me in the future probably aching to beat the hell out of a 32 year old me. Looking at that I should just do it, jump in, sink or swim. At least I could say I tried, or better yet maybe I could say I did it.

The future influences the present just as much as the past.

Alas! it is not till time, with reckless hand, has torn out half the leaves from the Book of Human Life, to light the fires of passion with, from day to day, that man begins to see that the leaves which remain are few in number.

— Longfellow

Who's Gonna Fill Their Shoes

So I went thru the country music chart today. Wondering what is happening to this genre of music that I was brought up listening to. Looking thru some of the names listed and I guess I just don't get it. One of the best songs listed, in my opinion, and maybe one of the most country songs out is by Darius Rucker. Remember him? Hootie and the Blowfish. He's gone country. At least he didn't go halfway. The beauty of country music is that there are so many sub-genres within it... bluegrass, folk, americana, outlaw, country fried rock, Bakersfield Sound, Western Swing, Rockabilly. It can and does encompass a lot of different styles. Now it seems to have gone to an extreme. It's become so commercial, diluted and soulless. Most of the crap that comes thru the radio, well it sucks. Listening to Taylor Swift the other day, really listening to her, the girl can't sing. She's nice to look at, writes some cute be-bop songs and bam straight to number one. That position used to be an honor, not a given due to marketing. But, damn girl, you look like you can sing. I thought payola was outlawed in the 60's? Been noticing that certain artists when their new songs come out within a few weeks that's where they are, number one. Quality of the music has become very bland and uninspired. The key item, the thing that's missing, write what you feel, from your heart and be damned if it's radio ready. Sing what you feel and somebody will identify with it. Thru the evolution of country very few artists actually do write their own material. Didn't mean it wasn't believable. You could feel George Strait's heart breaking during "Today My World Slipped Away" and he's happily married. You could feel Johnny Cash's envy of the people moving on the train in "Folsom Prison Blues", though he's never been incarcerated. It still came thru if even they didn't live it, it had substance and heart. Now we have been flooded by this influx of look alike, sound alike we're all "happy-not partying too much-we love our country-marry me for you are the air I breath" songs. Even some of the artists I do like are...going down the drain. They're balls have been removed. Like a conveyor belt of fabricated crap coming thru the radio. So diluted, so watered down, yet still so hard to swallow because it tastes like crap. Give it to me straight, make me laugh, make me dance, touch my heart or my mind. Get some emotion, or be over produced background noise.

"Put some drive in your country to keep country driving on" -Travis Tritt

"What happened to the music I loved so long ago
It seems it’s been forgotten on our country radio
Where a steel guitar and fiddle have become a novelty
What I’d give to make things like the way they used to be

That carbon copy music don't mean a damn to me
Hank Williams wouldn’t make it now in Nashville Tennessee"

-Jason Boland


"You won't hear four-letter words
Just me tellin' her
That she's the every breath I draw
And how I can't live without her
And I could never doubt her
'Cause she could never do no wrong

Yeah, it's a three minute positive
Not to country up-tempo love song
It's a way to tell her that I love her
But it can't be too long
There'll be no drinkin', no cheatin',
No lyin', no leavin'
That stuff it just don't belong
In a three minute positive
Not too country up-tempo love song"

-Alan Jackson

Bushel of Apples

Been telling myself that I'm not going to screw this one up. No games, no trying to figure stuff out, just letting it flow. The only thing I'm thinking is hiding, which is what we do. It wouldn't be new. So when, for the second time in as many weekends, we walked in and I saw that guy sitting at the bar I wanted to turn around and walk back out. Telling myself fkn behave. So what if he looks identical to him, it isn't him. Behave and look away, focus on who brought you here. Watched him walk to the jukebox, from my vantage point I could see what his selections were, and I couldn't stop the smile. He knows. As the songs played you asked me if I put them in, you didn't see me get up. Nope, someone else must enjoy him too, it's not just me. You noticed him then and didn't leave my side until he was gone. Asked around to see who he was. This is where previous statements come back to bite me. Took you to that concert months ago because he is sooo much better live. You might remember comments I made back then. Something along the lines of wanting to be stranded on deserted island with him. Just to keep it clean. Am I tempted? Sure. Am I stupid? Nope. Tell God your plans, make sure to tell him you're serious. Listen for the laughter. Think you can behave and you're sure this is what you want? Fine here's a Gary Allan replica for ya! The ultimate temptation. Shiny apple.

Can still hear the echo of laughter.

PS

Normally I don't write things with the purpose of them going on here. Writing happens, some things I post some I don't. After re-reading the previous post I was going to delete it. Too negative. Instead I decided to do a PS sorta of thing. There was a lot of bitching going on. There a lot of people a whole lot worse off than I am, and a lot more who are better off. I know how lucky I am. Everyday I wake up and go to work. My vehicle is parked in front of the home that I help pay for. My son is at home to argue with me instead of out on the streets or gone. What kills me are the things he has to miss out on, either becuase it's out of our reach or now he's sentencing himself to a life of scraping by. Just wanted so much more for him.

Doomed to Repeat

Looking back on last night everything was fine until she came home. Resulting in another argument, but this time between the boy and me. He told me he had no intention of finishing high school, it's a waste of time. You didn't graduate and you're ok. What? I didn't have a choice! They kicked me out for being hospitalized because that put me over my allowed absences. You are making the choice. Be like me, what a great example. Struggle every paycheck, trying to figure out what to do when there's more month than there is money. There are no extras I can eliminate, no extravagances to let go of. What goes by the way side? For me it's medication, doctor's, dentist, clothing, gas, school, next is going to be the phone, the list is endless. If I can't afford it I don't need it. If I didn't earn it, I don't want it. Sure I'd love to get my teeth cleaned before I lose them, love to be able to discuss the knee MRI results with my doctor and find out why it keeps giving out. Hey I can still eat and walk, so it's not that bad. Nothing ibuprofen can't handle. Then there's the little things that I have, not that big a deal for others maybe, but when you don't have much every bit counts. The stereo in my truck for example, hours of entertainment and a great stress relief for me. Gone, stolen. When will it be replaced? Never. See the above list. In comparison where does a stereo rank? Good at prioritizing, usually. Rent before entertainment. What I'm getting at is I don't see an end to it. It just keeps going, going and going. Being beat down for so long, from so many angles in so many ways. You stop lifting your head up at all. Scared to hope or dream because it hurts when it dies, dream something long enough it becomes part of you. Some die hard. Try not to think about things in the past I could have changed, looking back you always know the answers. What scares me, what makes me lose sleep is the future. The fear that the outcome is always going to be the same and my ability to change it is as futile as trying to change what has passed. Stuck in this house, stuck in this city, stuck in this life that feels more like a tomb everyday. It was all worth it when I thought we were a team, now that I know we're not and the past is doomed to repeat itself on my son I feel like everything was for nothing. Left standing alone, still empty handed.

The Dance

Choking on my words. Even if they are only in my head. Called you Saturday night because I owed you. Wanted to tell you we have to stop and it can go no further for the sake of our friendship. Those words were never spoken out loud. Lying to myself. Knowing when you hugged me that those words would never reach your ears, not tonight. We listened to "The Dance", my favorite song for the last 20 years, you explained how you fell for it when I showed it to you, we listened to "Look After You" and you asked me to sing it to you like I did one night a long time ago (you must be tone deaf). Lost in conversation about music for hours. If you ever reach me, if you ever get thru I think you may be on the right path. Using different songs to show me things. Speaking my language. Moments like that are tearing me in half, part saying we need to stop, part says this is amazing. Hard to walk away from, but it still has to be done.

Almost

Probably won't count with this either. Always said I never wanted things to go very far. So what did I do? I basically dared you. If you mean what you say...Prove it. Show me. Over time I've learned that it's easier to let 'em go and walk away. You did try, I'll give you that. Been a awhile since someone treated me like a lady, and I was proud of you. So now I'll go, feeling like I forced something on you, though I was only following your footsteps. Potential regret looms so strong, like the first thunderheads forming of an impending storm. Can smell the rain. So I'll take the shelter now and hide from the disaster before it occurs. In awhile, I'll come back around. Maybe you'll smile then, and just maybe that friendship we almost sacrificed will still be ok. You being here means more than what might have been.

"I'm back out on that road again
Turn this beast into the wind
There are those that break and bend
I'm the other kind, I'm the other kind"

-Steve Earle

"Well, I feel the rain drops from the storm down in Mexico
Truck will go no further, out of gas
I cross the desert and disappear into the tumbleweeds
I tip the bottle and bite the lime

There ain't no moral to this story at all
Anything I tell you very well could be a lie
There ain't no morals to these stories at all
I been away from the living, I don't need to be forgiven
Im just waiting for that cold black sun-cracked numb-inside soul of mine
to come alive"

-The Refreshments

Other People's Children

Last night I was texting the boy telling him to be home by 5. We'll go out to eat somewhere. His response, "I already ate can I stay the night at my friend's house?" Normally that response isn't a big deal. This time I was choking back tears as it hit me. He's growing up. What 15 year old wants to hang out with mom. He does better than most. We still talk, watch tv, watch movies, like most of the same music, laugh at Ron White, Dane Cook and Christopher Titus. Laugh at our inside jokes that others don't understand. We get along well. When he's out there, like he is right now, I'd like to think he listened and learned from the lessons I've tried to teach him. He'll make the right choices. The only sore spot we have is he doesn't do so hot in school, never has. No matter how hard I push. Relenting on that, I guess I'd rather him be the class clown than the class dope dealer. Bottom line is he's a good kid with a good heart and an amazing sense of humor.

So after I wrapped my brain around all of that I decided I'll go get something to eat by myself. Walked out to my truck and found the window broken and my stereo gone. So pissed I was ready to cry again. Why couldn't they have taken the XM one? Had to be kids, other stuff worth more than the stereo was left alone. Swearing out loud I went back in the house, fkn kids parents should have... With everything stacked against me from the beginning I still never raised a child who would ever consider doing something like that. You don't need to have money to have values, you need to have a parent who cares.

Silver lining too is that last year I got the heater and water pump fixed so hopefully I won't freeze with the busted window.

Wonder Woman

Yesterday was quite the adventure for me and a friend of mine that I've mentioned on here before. We've been trying to spend more time together to see what happens(and prolly both praying it doesn't blow up in our faces), instead of constantly running from each other. Anyway the evening started out by him having to carry our favorite very drunk bartender, prince charming style, to bed. Pretty funny in itself. After I left he calls and asks me if I could please bring him a needle and length of thread when I come back. Wouldn't tell me why but the first thing that came to my mind was stitches. Turns out he broke up a fight between the two of the other inhabitants, large Akitas, and got bit in the process. Not a very long wound, maybe 3/4 of an inch, but it was deep, gaping and gross. Honestly it did need stitches and the local ER was not an option. Amazed me how tough the skin was to try and poke thru, and how tough he was, just stood there and allowed me to. Then he finished running it thru while I held the skin closed. A few knots and a little vodka later, both drank and used as a sterilizer, the finished product looked very professional. We settled in to watch a movie. That didn't last long. The two remaining residents came home drunk and arguing about an incident that happened earlier. We stayed out of it until it was brought to us, I don't want to get in the middle of a husband and wife fight. The arguing continued in the living room as the husband tried to lay down on the couch. She announced that she was so mad she should shoot him in his sleep. We both advised her that she can't do that. Wrong choice of words. My husband, my house, my gun and I can shoot him if I want to. With that she went in the bedroom with my friend right behind her. Could hear her arguing with my friend about a gun. Maybe against my better judgment, I went in the bedroom also. Found her standing there with two .38's, holding them with her fingers away from the trigger guard (my focused stayed on the position of her hands). My friend looked a little freaked but was still calm, explaining to her that this wasn't the answer. She said she knew that, she wasn't really going to shoot him but she could, she's just choosing not to. She wanted to show us she could. So, I told her I would feel a lot more comfortable if she would please hand me the weapons. In the back of my mind, I was thinking before something happens that we can't stitch up. She told me the same thing, I'm not going to do anything. Still, please? Accidents happen, and I'm sure we would both feel better. Are they loaded? She started crying again and handed me both revolvers (God she gave them to me barrel first). Checked the cylinder, both loaded. So that potentially bad situation averted, we were back to talking for the next...god knows how long.

After it was all said and done, the couple had gone to bed and we were left alone again, he turned to me and said "Movie night was effectively ruined. You know no one will believe this right? I carried a drunk bartender to bed, we stitched up my arm and you disarmed a drunk woman in the same night. You must be wonder woman or something. You did it all without hesitation. Still can't believe you stitched my arm without puking." Yeah me too.

In all fairness to the above couple, not once have I witnessed them fight before. The coolest lesson from last night (other than alcohol and guns don't mix)? Under pressure we work well together and are both cooler heads when needed.

Denver to Oakland

Dammit, dammit, dammit. My favorite freakin player from my favorite freakin team got TRADED for crap. Matt Holliday for...for fkn Greg Smith??? I KNOW they need help in the pitching department, desperate help, but he ain't it! So they trade the All-Star LF Holliday for three pretty mediocre players from the A's. One pitcher maybe ok (Street), but the other two? Jesus I hope they at least got paid to remove them from Oakland! As a side note to sports writers...stop saying October was a fluke last year. It happened, they earned it, get over it. Did you even see the DL list this year? Did you see Atkins playing with strep throat during the road games? It was a bad year, but not as bad as it could have been. At one point they were only a few games behind the Dodgers and only finished ten games out at the end.

Good Stuff

Meaning to put something on here for at least a week but somehow I managed to be very busy. The creators of the website Zen Moments stopped by here in the last few weeks. Asked to me if I felt there was anything I might be able to contribute to the site. Being super critical of most anything I write, it took days for me to figure out what may be appropriate. After weighing thru things posted here and not, I settled on two. One turned out to be what they were seeking. Nothing could explain how flattered and proud I was that they connected with the piece and posted it on their site. Follow the below link:

Zen Moments: The Road Not Taken

Cross Road

For the first time, in more than 20 years of friendship, I don't know what to say. This is critical and I can't find the words to reach her. Struggled thru this for the last few days, I can't sleep again. In so many ways I felt the person I spent two hours on the phone with on Sunday was a stranger. There has to be someone else whispering in her ear and she's listening to him, instead of her husband or me. Part of me wants to select a large caliber weapon from the arsenal downstairs and take a road trip, put the fear of god in him. There is no respect I can find for a man, who not only has a girl at home, but is fine with chasing after someone's wife. Right, right it takes two to tango, but I don't think she would have ever heard the music if he hadn't asked her to dance. Now she's giving every excuse in the world to end her marriage and trying to make her husband believe it's all his doing, or they should see other people. For once, something tells me she's not telling me the whole truth. She knows I don't agree, and won't encourage her. Unless I thought it would make her happy, that he was a good stand up guy. If for even a second I thought this was for the best, no matter how I felt about it, I would give her my blessing. My gut says he's wrong. Knowing how stubborn she can be, she may never admit she made a mistake until it's too late. Thinking thru this now I came to a realization. This may be one mistake she'll have to make in order to appreciate what she had. Unfortunately, it's one you can't come back from.

Then what, what you gonna do
When the new wears off and the old shines through
And it aint really love and it aint really lust
You aint anybody anyone's gonna trust
Then what, where you gonna turn
When you cant turn back for the bridges you burn
Then What

- Clay Walker

Title Unavailable

So weeks have passed now and I've left you alone. Never wrote anything about it either. Didn't know where to begin. Probably shouldn't do it now, too much in my head. Looking at it from every angle it comes back to the same thing, somewhere I made a mistake. Unsure of what. One day we were fine, then we weren't. Maybe I was wrong and we never were. There are no words that come. Anything that comes to mind would probably make things worse. You always said that it pissed you off when people don't tell you what they're thinking. For me there's so much that I try not to think of you at all. It still happens, when I want to tell you something, ask you a question, reach out to you and all I get is this pain in my heart when I remember I can't. Leave you alone. Then I wonder how you're doing, how your job is going and I miss your conversation, listening, your stories, the way you take things and they way you approach situations. Like you already have the answer, the resolution, before the rest of the world has finished processing the information. Miss the way I knew you. Miss being your friend, sometimes I'm angry that you shut me out, never for long. So what am I thinking? You being happy, if there's no place for me in that, then I just have to deal with it. Do I understand it? Yes and no. Somewhere around the end of May a large part of me vanished. Didn't return until the beginning of September. You helped me thru it, though I wasn't much of a friend then and I leaned on you too much. Making it thru that I thought we had recovered, then you disappeared. That's the "No" part of the equation. Going back to the "anything I say will probably make it worse", I wrote this...this long ramble that you'll never see.

History

Not until tonight did it truly register with me. Didn't think about it when I cast my ballot earlier today. The significance of what was going on. Having been saying for weeks, get in the booth and flip a coin. Not particularly caring for either candidate, I chose what I felt was the lesser of two evils. The same as I did four years ago. It wasn't until I watched it unfold on TV tonight. Something I never thought I would see, in ways I'm proud at the distance this country has traveled. What, 40 years ago he wouldn't of had the right to vote? Hell less that a hundred years ago neither would I. Sat here in amazement as I realized history was happening right in front of me. A black man in the white house. A house that black slaves help build. Elected to run a country partially built by slaves. Shameful part of our history. Truly amazing how far we've come.

Repeat

Here you are again. Lost in conversation. That smile, those arms. It's all so effortless, we fall right back into this every time, with no thought about it. Your words seem to flow easier now. Knowing I can tell you anything, gave you the run down of the crap that happened to me Saturday. Probably I shouldn't tell you those things, maybe you don't want to know. "Someday you'll forget those other guys, you'll come back to me like you always do and give me the chance to make you happy." Last night I believed you, last night you played that Toby Keith song on the jukebox. Last night. Today you're still so far away and I still know that this not what you really want. Not what anybody really wants. Maybe you can make me happy, but I'm scared to death I'll never be able to return the favor. Last night you made me vow not to disappear on you again, I couldn't promise it and I know neither can you. We make our plans, life happens and we go our own way. Yet we keep arriving back here. Others have pointed it out, apparently not just to me, as you relayed how odd it was they saw it before we did. What you also didn't see was the tears as I was driving home, thinking about your words and how desperate I am to not hurt you. Today is today, yesterday was yesterday. Leave it be and it will run it's course, whatever that may be. You'll need to push, because I won't.

Stupid

So you reap what you sow. Right, got that. Karma will bite, got that too. Practice what you preach is probably applicable. Sounds like a good cliche. Recently I had a conversation explaining why you don't read other people's text messages, you don't eve's drop. PERIOD. You are bound to hear or see something you didn't want to, don't understand and take it completely out of context. The only person who will get hurt is you. Well, on the other hand people should lock there phone before putting it in there pocket - and I should have listened to my own advice and hung up. My gut said he was lying about where he was going and I ignored it. There's no way I could ignore the conversation I was hearing. No where had we said we were exclusive, if we were then last Friday night for me never would have happened. The difference is I didn't lie to you. Now that I know you have, everything you have ever said to me is a lie. The end.

This must be a record breaking recovery too. Three hours later and I'm fine, actually I feel better. At this point, it's pretty damn funny. Welcome to November...

Number 16

Tomorrow it starts. Open season. As of me writing this there is one hour and 12 minutes left of October. What will be on the plate for November this year? Having already hurt my ass recently that should be out of the line up (in case anybody missed it I fell down the stairs here about a month ago and broke my tailbone), no nails in sight. What's weighing heavy on my mind, and I'm trying hard not to think about it, is my best friend is having severe female problems. They did the biopsy and she goes back to get the results on the 10th. They are already talking about putting her on the schedule for a hysterectomy. She's one of the three, including me, effected by the November thing. Her husband being the the third one. My other half for 20 years, I'm scared. For her, for her husband, her kids and for me. She texted me this morning and asked if I realized all of this crap was going to happen in November. It was the first thing that came to mind when she told me. Don't make me think about it.

This would be the last Thanksgiving we have together too, they should be moving shortly after, and I can't go. There's no way that thing I drive will make it.

Faith. Hope. Love.

Hope, something will change, via my own hand or fate's. Faith, things can't stay the way they are. Love. These three things inscribed and hang around my neck on a chain, reminding me. If lost, in ways, their importance exceeds that of food or water. Sustenance falls to the wayside when you get to that point. Pulling away from everybody, I still haven't lost these three things. Been without them before, recognizing the symptoms is easy. Hope that I find the peace I'm looking for. Faith that I can make things change. Love. Hope is what will keep you going when even your will to live is gone. You don't know it's there until the bottom. When you can look back and see how fate had a tug of war with the good and bad in your life. A balance that's sometimes skewed so badly that you can't tell what's what. When everything has been flipped upside down and all you can see is rocks for so long you forget to look up. Hope is what makes you remember there is another direction. Hope will make you look up. The voice inside that tells you this isn't it. There is more to come. Faith, believing that what comes will be better. No matter how much shit is waded thru to get there. Hope is the light at the end of the tunnel. Faith convinces you it's not a train. Love prevents you from doing something stupid in the darkest reaches of that tunnel.

Hermit

Where to go...what to do... Over the last year I've lost more friends than I can count. There was something I wrote on Friday that I thought was pretty accurate, now I know it's not. More on that in a minute. The time here is to find something within, to buck up and deal with life on my own. Several months ago I believed life was not meant to be lived on your own, I wrote something on here about it. For me at the time that may have been true, the season has changed. After next month my two best friends will have moved away. When I saw them last in August I truly believed then would be the last. One more time, in about two weeks they will be here. Then everyone will be gone. As of this moment I haven't spoken to anyone since Monday, the urges I had to call or text I ignored and held it in. It just doesn't matter. Too many people are gone. Some for reasons known, others just vanished with no word to say why. Must be my fault in all cases, I shoulder the blame even when I know its not mine. Whatever the circumstance, I wish them well. Not feeling bad, just very alone. As it should be.

Funny how fast things can change, it wasn't my right to do this and now I know. This is what I wrote on Friday:

The silence craved, the avoidance of uncomfortable don't give a fuck conversations forced on me, ended by working from home. Don't have to talk to anybody if I don't want to, unless it's work related. A few months ago all I wanted was silence. My own internal turmoil, spinning in my brain, thoughts that I couldn't control or get any kind of handle on, craved absolute exterior silence. Except a couple select people. There was only a handful that I sought there voice, wanted there company. Would seek them out in moments of anguish just to listen to them speak, to hear something outside of my own head. The rest of the world reminded me of a Charlie Brown cartoon...Wah wah wah. Moving away from that now. Still seek them but gone is that desperate grip of the drowning. There are passing moments that feel like it's starting over, then I see clear skies and think it'll be alright.

Mmmm Cowboys...

One more thing...Sunday I got this really odd email. An official looking one from UNLV Tickets. According to this email there is one ticket to the PBR (Professional Bull Riding Finals, not Pabst Blue Ribbon) waiting for me at will call. There are two people in this world who know I would want to go. One of them doesn't have that particular email address, plus he's a pretty good distance away in Louisiana. So that narrows it down. Suspect number two, really the first person who popped into my head, denies any knowledge of it. Wish I could thank the right person and let them know, going by myself or not, I'm going to enjoy the hell out of it!

What Was I Thinking

Two dates in a week, that's pretty good for me I guess. Two ends of the spectrum. Not so nice guy, dinner and a movie carried a price with him. Set an expectation of what he was going to get by the end of the night, whether he had to take it or not. End result, fuck you leave me the hell alone. The other was the same, dinner and a movie with someone who was actually nice. Awesome night, no pressure just kinda flowed. The end result? The next day I thought about how great it was, yet still never want to see him again. Why ruin it? Part of the movie How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days kept playing thru my head. In the beginning of the movie, Andie is walking from Ben's apartment, he leans over the balcony and she waves he says, under his breath, "Oh you are already fallin in love with me." Down in the street, outside the cab, waving, she says thru forced smile, "I'm going to make you wish you were dead". So I accepted an invite to lunch. Focusing on the conversation. Not thinking about anything more than the moment. Not the end, not tomorrow. Knowing how I can be, now not willing to repeat the sins of the past. Go easy, refrain from those things I've seen me do to drive people away. Usually I set the bar too high, or throw the bar away all together. Equally bad and leave me feeling like shit. Thinkin I'll look for middle ground, hold on loosely and see what happens before I decide to go.

The rest of the story... He crossed my mind again, moving along the border of "this might be good". Brushing my teeth in the shower. Trying to keep from dropping the toothbrush again with my newly retarded right hand. It struck me, I had forgot exactly the reason for not wanting a boyfriend anymore. How should I tell him? When does it cross that line from being something withheld to keep from freaking him out right away to a lie by omission? Why would I burden anybody with it. Realized too, while I was struggling with the toothbrush, that he gave me an out. Gave me an out... Not interested in staying here any longer, he brought it up the other day. Would I be interested in leaving too? He plans on moving in the spring and asked if I would go. So, I just tell him I changed my mind. Who would get involved with anybody if they plan on moving away? Maybe not the best way, it would be an impasse and a choice he can easily make right now, before it goes to far. Kind of chickenshit, I know. There's no way I'll ask that of anyone, just not an option. What was I thinking.

On a side note...it's not fair to him either that I keep comparing him to someone. He'll fall short. Just like I did.

Let It Go

No the words to the song that just happened to come on the radio were not lost on me either. Not at all. You stopped and then started laughing... "Are you listening to the words?" Your laughter didn't stem from any kind of humor. Maybe you had the same thought I did. Which one in the song am I? What irony that was, coincidence whatever. You still don't believe me, I saw that when once again I tried to explain it. "Don't worry about it, it's not like I ever put a ring on your finger." Maybe that's your way of pushing me away. Fine, the whole thing is a bad idea anyway. No matter how right it feels. Today, I don't feel happy, excited, twitterpated or anything but sick because I didn't want it to go too far. Never wanted to feel this way. Never thought I would. No one my age is capable of a normal fkn relationship anyway, we're all too jaded, too scarred and too broken. We know how it ends before it even starts. No matter what clever things you say. Swore to myself months ago, the first time you tried during the concert, that I wouldn't let it happen again. So how many times have I lied to myself now? Distance and time that I put there didn't change damn thing. So, I just have stick to what I know is right.

You shouldn't kiss me like this
Unless you mean it like that
Cause I'll just close my eyes
And I won't know where I'm at
We'll get lost on this dance floor
Spinnin' around
And around
And around
And around

They're all watchin' us now
They think we're falling in love
They'd never believed we're just friends
When you kiss me like this
I think you mean it like that
If you do baby kiss me again

Everybody swears we make the perfect pair
But dancing is as far as it goes
Girl you've never moved me quite
The way you moved me tonight
I just wanted you to know

-Toby Keith

Seven Blunders Of The World

Not sure who to attribute this to but it's dead on... *Update* Apparently this was spoken by Gandhi.

"Seven Blunders of the World


1. Wealth without work

2. Pleasure without conscience

3. Knowledge without character

4. Commerce without morality

5. Science without humanity

6. Worship without sacrifice

7. Politics without principle"

Amen.

Don't

So what do I do with this? Do you really feel that way or was it the alcohol talking? How was I supposed to know you thought I was with him this whole time. Did I not make that clear to everybody who asked? Not my fault you never asked, but I remember we talked about it. You encouraged it, told me I was crazy not to go for it. Tried explaining to you then there was nothing to go for. There was no way I could do that. You think you have me figured out, but you're wrong. You said I know exactly what I want and how to get it. Not sure where you pulled that from. Must have me confused with someone else. Unless that's something I don't know about. Prefer to think maybe you know don't me as well as you think. Please don't put me on a pedestal built from expectations I can never live up to. Knowing that look, I've seen it on other faces and now on yours. How can I save you when my hands are bound too? I appreciate you, my friend, but this is one can of worms you don't want to break the seal on. We've had distance, we've had time. Give us a minute and we're right back where we've been. Nothing good can come of this and I don't want to lose anymore friends. So I can stop it now and prevent you from crossing a line there's no returning from. If I didn't care, it wouldn't matter.

Better As A Memory (insert woman, or girl, as needed)

I move on like a sinners prayer
Letting go like a levee breaks
Walk away as if I don't care
Learn to shoulder my mistakes
Built to fade like your favorite song
Get reckless when there's no need
Laugh as your stories ramble on
Break my heart, but it won't bleed
My only friends are pirates
That's just who I am
But I'm better as a memory than as your man

Never sure when the truth won't do
And pretty good on a lonely night
Move on the way a storm blows through
And never stay, but then again, I might.
I struggle sometimes to find the words
Always sure until I doubt
Walk a line until it blurs
Build walls too high to climb out
But I'm honest to a fault
That's just who I am
I'm better as a memory than as your man

I see you leaning, you're bound to fall
I don't want to be that mistake
I'm just a dreamer and nothing more
You should know it before it gets too late

Cause goodbyes are like a roulette wheel
You never know where they're gonna land
First you're spinning, then you're standing still
Left holding a losing hand
But one day you're gonna find someone
And right away you'll know it's true
That all of your seekin's done
It's just a part of the passing through
Right there in that moment you'll finally understand
That I was better as a memory than as your man
Better as a memory than as your man

by K.C.

Crossed Wires

Want to talk about this but Im not sure who to talk to about it. Several people I don't want to scare, like I am now, or have them think it's some drama crap. Sure, I've shared some but then let it go. One friend said, and he's right as usual, you could have been stressing over it this whole time. Little scared and a little pissed off. About two years ago I fainted at work, not the first time (or last) and I honestly wrote it off. Bit of rug burn on the forehead and a bump, not the end of the world. The next day my knee was killing me, so swollen I couldn't bend it (existed before falling) so I went to the clinic. They asked what happened to my head, so I told them. They were more concerned about me fainting than my knee, so they hooked my up to an EKG machine. Xrayed my knee and told me, even though it was the size of a softball, there was nothing wrong with it. However, on the EKG they found some blip that indicated Wolff Parkinson's White Syndrome. Wow, please explain? Basically it's an extra electrical pathway in the heart. May make your heart beat funny or cause palpitations from time to time. Nothing to worry about, have a nice day. That did explain the occasional erratic heartbeat and palpitations for as long as I can remember. Cool, at least now I knew what it was, end of story.

Thursday I went to the doctor again, several reasons, one being that four times over the last month I've come damn close to fainting while having the sensation that my heart wasn't beating at all. Then it would start beating like a sledge hammer for five or ten minutes. He did another EKG (before I told him this). Asks me if I have ever been told I have WPW syndrome. Sure. Good so you're under treatment. Treatment? What treatment? He looked as surprised as I felt. You need to see a cardiologist asap. Went into explaining atrial fibrillation, ventricular fibrillation and how the two can be bad in my case. Guess Afib can cause Vfib because of the weird way the electrical impulses run through my heart. Vfib is fatal if not treated within a few minutes. Also some long word that started with a T that swear I've heard on House. So it can be serious? Yes. How serious? Go to a cardiologist. Right. So who do I believe? The doc that sent me on my way or the one telling me it needs treatment? So fkn tired of needles, tests, doctors, pills, machines, IVs - enough to last me a lifetime. I don't even like taking Advil for a headache anymore. Part of me wants to stick my head in the sand. Lived with it thus far. The thought that stuck...what if I faint while I'm driving and hurt someone else? What if I just fall out somewhere alone? Been sitting here half the weekend thinking about it. Crazily in tune with the way my chest feels. Wanting to call somebody, but there's no one I can talk to. Not this time. Maybe it is drama, maybe it is crap, maybe neither doctor knows what they're talking about. Maybe they were both right in there own way. Maybe I'm just defective and should let nature takes it's course.

Thank you for calling ____

So I'm a week into my fabulous new assignment. After my first day I was thinking what the hell did I get myself into. Oh sure I remember most of it (highest average score in the refresher class, 98%), but damn there's stuff I forgot and new things I didn't know about. Thank god my friend was here the first day, I couldn't remember how to put a customer on hold. All in all I'm remembering one of the things I loved about this client, the customers are cool. Easy to talk to, the product is solid, simple to troubleshoot, easy to sell and I'm no salesman. At the same time it's enough if a challenge to not be boring. Yesterday I was talking with one of the people who escaped the other client with me. This is EASY, we make a bit more money, the stress is minimal and it feels like a HUGE weight has been lifted off of us. Guess I never realized how the stress and hatred from my other job was impacting me outside of work. At the end of my shift my neck, shoulders, head and stomach don't hurt anymore. My stomach doesn't go into knots at the mere thought of having to return. I'm not carrying around stress, didn't even know it was there until it was gone. In comparison this feels like a vacation. When you help someone you know within a few minutes if it's been fixed. There is a lot of satisfaction in this job for me. Finally, once again, I feel productive and that I'm doing a good job (well maybe not that first day). Umm, it also appeals to my inner geek.

Pulling back from the brink...

Was I standing there, on the edge of a cliff, laughing, crying...dancing? Never noticed, I was too wrapped up in what was going on inside me to notice how close it was. The fall I was headed for no one could have saved me from. Not as if I was listening to anybody anyway. Not that I noticed that they stayed back and didn't follow. Weren't you there with me? Why did you walk away? Seeing you leave was the first step I took away from that abyss. The one I was oblivious to. Turning around now, it's not clear how I got there but I know those are not steps I want to retrace. Solitude can be found along the edge but it's not the kind anyone seeks. You can lose yourself there and be unaware of it, unhearing of other people warning you. Tires screeching that woke me up, yet the silence that followed was more deafening. What you left behind, burnt rubber on asphalt, reminds me everyday of what I did and what I can't take back. Not just that night, but everything before that too.

When we walked out of the bar/restaurant last night there was a song playing. I'm relieved you were ahead of me so you didn't see. That song was how I feel. Can't say anymore than I already have.

"I'm sorry I'm bad, I'm sorry I'm blue, I'm sorry about all things I said to you
And I know I can't take it back"

Where Were You?

Someone asked me this morning that all important question. Where were you? Not something anyone forgets. Me? I was sleeping. That week I was in a night training class, otherwise I would have been on my way to work. Even though she had just been outside a few hours before, my dog woke me up, dancing around like she needed out. Remember walking down the hallway and making the turn into the kitchen, I remember thinking who the hell left the TV on? Always turned it off before bed. Saw something was burning. Made it to the back door and opened it, only for the dog to stand there looking up at me, she didn't want out. That's when it registered what building that was burning on TV. The two together, and something with the flags, it clicked then. Going back in there I turned up the sound. Airplane, it was an airplane. Remember thinking what a huge mistake somebody made. Listening to see, what kind, what airline, who was to blame blah blah. When the second plane hit I went numb, the newscasters fell silent and couldn't hide there disbelief. They knew, as did the rest of the world that this was not an accident. The bottom of the screen at some point changed to "Attack On America". Three words that cut thru me, it was real and I was watching it live. Watched them fall, knowing not everyone got out, praying that they did anyway. We wondered for an hour what would happen to the two planes that were missing. They were gone, one into the Pentagon one went down fighting in a Pennsylvania field. Left to sort out what I just saw, hear the silence from the airport two miles away, I couldn't see the planes coming anymore. Feeling very small I called my dad, he always knows what to say. He did, he had already moved from shock to the pissed off part, and he went on in anger about the hell some nation had just brought down on themselves. There would be hell to pay.

There's a scene from a movie I thought of today, don't remember the movie but the scene stood out to me (I think it was about a volcano) everyone is walking covered in ash and debris. A little boy said "Don't we all look the same, we're all the same now." That moment, on that day, we all were the same. From the business men running for there lives in Manhattan, the rescuers who went in when everyone else was running out, men and women on there way to work, truck drivers, cops, construction workers, waiters, pilots. Everyone united in grief for what just befell our country. There was a poster board someone overseas (in Europe but I don't remember where) held up that simply said "We're All Americans Now."

The first time I heard this song was what? Two months later? Driving down Pilot Rd to pick a friend up from work I had to pull over...

Smoke Rings In The Dark

Still thinking and something else occurred to me. Part of the reason I broke up with my last boyfriend was, not only was I bored, but I didn't love him. Wanted to cut him lose right then so as not to make things worse further down the road, not to lead him on. Not saying it didn't hurt to lose him, I just didn't want to be reckless with his heart. The guy before him, dumped him mostly because he was an ass. It was only after that I realized I didn't love him either. Just examples. Sure, I experience the whole "twitterpated" thing. The fever you get for someone in the beginning, the attraction, the heat and butterflies that last for a few weeks, or even a month or three. Then it just fades. Never goes beyond that stage to being "in love". Sometimes "in lust", but not love. This meandering has arrived at a point where I'm wondering if I'm even capable of falling again. So many years have passed since I felt that way. There's been a few times when I thought it was coming on, and it just vanishes. Like dust in the wind.

Going to back to a friend I lost a few months ago, and following this thought process, I been evaluating it wrong. Knowing how he felt, even if he wouldn't follow through on it, his pain was real though I didn't think it was justified. He caused it and I helped see it through. All along I've said no way to another shot. What if he bailed again due to my choice in friends? Been looking at it wrong. He's better off, to get it out of the way and move on like he did. If I'm not capable of what he wanted all I would do is hurt him all over again.

"The rain falls where it wants to
The wind blows where it will
Everything on earth goes somewhere
But I swear we're standin' still
So I'm not going to wake you
I'll go easy on your heart
I'll just touch your face and drift away
Like smoke rings in the dark"

-Gary Allan

Mud

If you're going to drunk dial someone in the middle of the night, telling them how much you miss them and how stupid you are... The least you can do is give them the chance to respond before you hang up. What the hell is it about alcohol that gives people the right to call like that? If you really feel that way, tell me sober. Then I might believe you.

Last night I dreamt of Manderley again...

I could not enter, the way was barred to me with a chain and padlock upon the gate... Been doing a lot of thinking today. So humor me while I wander through this. Some things have been happening over the last few months that I don't understand, changes in myself that I don't get. So, I went back to where was I this time last year. Read back through some things I wrote. At that time I was on the verge of breaking up with my then boyfriend, went to Denver and began plotting my escape from here. Just began to notice the decline in my spelling and that I was forgetting things. On the whole, everything was normal for me. Taking things as they came at me and pushing through it, no big deal. With the turmoil I have had within myself over these last few months, believe me, today is a moment of clarity. Trying to use it for what it's worth and take a huge step back, examining my situation and how I arrived here. I have done and said things to a few people that are so far out of character for me I don't know where they came from. It has gotten to the point where I don't recognize myself anymore. Like I'm wrapped in a nightmare filled with impulsiveness, emotional instability, paranoia, poor self image and selfishness that I can't wake up from. Who else am I going to lash out at for no reason? Things that would never cross my mind I can now hear coming out of my mouth. Like I'm fkn crazy. So bad that I'm actually scared to talk to anyone. It's as if I have no censorship mechanism. Not to mention the anxiety, most days the anxiety is so bad I feel like I have a brick in my stomach made up of fear, guilt, regret and embarrassment. Bad enough that I can't eat because I'll puke. For the last week I've been afraid to talk to my best friend. Tried talking to her Sunday and I couldn't focus on anything she was saying. What kind of friend can't listen? Scared I'm going to say or do some thing to hurt her now, too. Something occurred to me, going back to the MS/bipolar thing. If it changes your brain, eats it away, could it alter your personality? So I googled it. Eh, I just hope it goes away as quickly as it came on. Could I get some physical symptoms instead of the mental one's please??? Not that I want to lay blame there, or use this as a scapegoat. Bottom line, they are my actions, my words. I own them and I can't take them back.

Article one

Article two

Article three (I'm not forgetting I'm having a retrieval failure LOL)

Article Four

Regret

You made me trust you more than anyone in a long time. Let you have a key to my truck, I would have given you a key to my house. You would never do anything to hurt me, either physically or emotionally. You were there for me so many times. Even just to talk to, you listened to me. I wanted to hear what you said. Never felt like u were raping my ear or forcing things on me. Not once. I learned so much from you, not just geeky stuff. Things about life, things about people and brought me back to a reality I had forgot was there. One that was not jaded. A genuine goodness I didn't know existed in people anymore. Sure we irritated each other sometimes, but you always made me laugh. You always made me feel good. I tried to do the same thing in return. We clicked. Ebb and flow. Sometimes I felt like our friendship was one sided, that you were doing all the work. Struggling with that, I tried to do everything I could for you. Tried to find a balance, maybe I was trying too hard. Sometimes I felt like my time with you was borrowed, you would do things at times that were so amazing to me surely you must be a dream that I would wake up from. You and Tammy are the best friend's I ever had in my life. I drank too much last night, even though I really didn't want to again after that one incident about 6 weeks ago, said somethings I shouldn't have and I lost you. Now I wonder if I really know how to be a friend and I'm sorry I hurt you. Now that everyone is gone no one will see that last lesson you taught me about drinking too much. Since no one is left does it matter?

"And it might take some time to patch me up inside
but I cant take it so I, I run away and hide
And I might find in time that you were always right
You're always right. "

"You were the one to show me how
Back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now.
This thing is slowly taking me apart.
Grey would be the color if I had a heart."

Office Space: Can you hear me now?

Just something quick here, an update I guess even thought I really don't do those. My hatred for my job will hopefully end within the next 4 days. Four days left of working my damn brain into a frazzle for nothing. In case no one has figured it out... I work for a large cell phone company right now (under an outsourcer). QA, Quality Assurance. You know when you call a company and it says "This call maybe monitored or recorded for Quality Assurance purposes"? Yeah, that's me. I LOVE the QA job, love teaching people how to do customer service. Love to give feedback and help them improve. Working for this new business doesn't let me do that. My job requirement is to sit at my desk all day and pump out an impossible number of evaluations that the agent never sees. Pointless. Ineffective. The number they are requiring is preventing me from doing them accurately. For the first time in the almost 11 years I've worked there I know I'm not doing a good job. They can have quality or quantity, not both. Hate this feeling of being totally useless. So when the previous client I worked for came back I was all over it. Loved the company. Even though I won't get to be a QA for them anymore. Just taking calls. FROM HOME. Starting next week. And it's not even my birthday...

To be continued...

Involuntary

I didn’t want to know.

I didn’t want your secret.

It weighs too much for me to carry.

It has totally changed how I see you both.

You should have known better, and yet you still won.

You have no idea that I know and why I can’t look at you anymore.

Sometimes it keeps me up at night, yet you seem fine. How do you live with yourself?

Live Like You Were Dying

There is a moment I think most have in there lives at sometime, towards the end, maybe during a horrific event, an odd diagnosis from a doctor. Fear isn't exactly the word for it. It's turning and facing your own mortality. Seeing that things may go on without you. Reflection on what you didn't do, that's where my mind went. Everything I haven't done. My moment came almost two years ago now. Walking in a daze from the retina specialist office after 3 hours of testing. Next they needed to send me to UCLA in California for a test they couldn't perform in this state. Just heard words like "stroke, blood clot, aneurysm, tumor". Pulling into the McDonald's on Green Valley this song came on the radio, alone, I cried not knowing if there was a time bomb in my head. Looking back now, I clung to that song. Identifying more with it than I ever had before. I lived it.

Remembering the first time I heard it really listened to it, almost brought me to my knees in the kitchen. Cooking dinner, I had the radio on instead of a CD. It couldn't have been more than a week or so after my step mom died of cancer. Her third time around they had only given her a few weeks. She held on 5 months to see her grand baby. Born on Sunday, she let go on Friday morning.

Gave forgiveness I'd been denying, I let my sister in again. Texting her to find out if they were one of the people stuck in the evacuation attempt out of Houston. The anticipated arrival of Hurricane Rita had the freeways gridlocked.

"Don't tell mom, we'll be fine and we're not leaving."
"Mom maybe be pretty unobservant sometimes but I think she may notice a big fkn hurricane heading for your city."

Our first conversation in 3 years. Eventually I let her know that she could blame the song for it.

Mac vs PC

Somebody gave me a Mac, well two of them actually. One is a pretty good paperweight (blueberry IMac) and the other I been thinking isn't so bad (Indigo IMac, 500mhz, 256MB Ram, CDRW) just really need it for internet and writing. Needs to be reloaded. I'm sure that must be the problem because surely no one would have ever used something intentionally for any length of time that acts like this does. It's not too slow but just unresponsive, and SELECTIVE about it's unresponsiveness. Backspace takes an enternity, can't login in to myspace, can't log in to blogger, but I can log in to gmail (where this post is about to come from). You tube videos skip and stutter even when fully buffered. Sometimes I think it's giving me the bird, it zipped thru the Flash update until the last 4 files. Wasn't done when I got up for work, but it was done when I got home. If this was all I had to use I would be inventing new swear words. Welcome to the world of Mac, the PC's retarded cousin.

However it has given me the silence I was looking for earlier... and an error when sending from Gmail in Safari (used IE and Dragon's Blood).

Am I awake and dreaming or dead and remembering...

Umm I sat on the below post for a week. Unsure if it even made sense. A week ago I couldn't trust my thoughts. A week ago I didn't have the attention span to proof read this.

How did I type that previous post below and not notice? It took me another, what four days, to get it. "Years ago I quit once using it and it worked well." It worked well. It didn't make me manic, paranoid, delusional, unfocused, hyper sensitive, irritable and angry. It didn't make me have the attention span of a lightening bolt. It didn't make me crazy, it didn't make me keep my ex husband on the phone for 2 hours Friday night (intermittently hanging up on him, or putting him on eternal hold), it didn't make me text my best friend in Utah crazy stuff at 11pm, it didn't make me snap and go off on another friend for no reason (that all in one night). Yeah do not EVER add alcohol to Wellbutrin. All those things are not things I do. My friend I snapped on? He says, "Don't apologize, it wasn't you who did that". Don't even remember any of it. Had to hear replays the next day. The consensus of my friends? Please stop taking the pills and start smoking again, the pills are making you crazy. Well I did stop with the pills, but I didn't start smoking again. Thank God I don't remember the worst of Friday night...

So anyway, my point being I now have solid concrete proof that MS is what caused the bipolar and ADD. Because I took this medication before and it didn't do this to me. When they gave me that diagnoses, I just wanted it fixed. Give me meds so I can function. Then I researched it and it didn't add up. Never had any of the symptoms of ADD or bipolar (manic part) until I was 26-27, and it literally started over night. Took meds for roughly two years or so before they stopped working, or worked in weird ways that the doctors couldn't figure out (Lamictal gave me narcolepsy, Lithium made me homicidal). So I stopped taking all of it and was fine (the ADD was still there but not as bad). Happy to feel well, I tried not to think about it too much. It scared me too. How could it just go away? Will it come back? The answer? My brain repaired itself. Maybe not completely. My understanding of how MS works is similar to repairing damaged wires with electrical tape, blind folded. Like the body is more concerned with covering the exposed wires rather than making sure the signal/current is going thru unaltered. So if I happened to get a half assed repair on whatever was damaged, then couldn't it cause intermittent problems? Dropped data? May be a geek but I'm not a doctor.

Anyway, I came back...A little shook up and freaked out. Lesson learned, next..

I'm a quitter...

About a week and a half ago I found an old prescription for Wellbutrin, an anti-depressant that is also used as a stop smoking aid. Years ago I quit once using it and it worked well. Cool I’m going to try it again since the gum didn’t work. About the time I increased the dosage I noticed that I wasn’t sleeping well, couldn’t fall asleep or couldn’t stay asleep. Eh, whatever I’ve had insomnia before. Suddenly I realized my moods had changed from not wanting to get out of bed to waking before my alarm clock and feeling ok. Yet I had fleeting moments of depression and was quick to get angry or over react, no ability to focus – I’m like a ferret on crack. Maybe it’s the pills? Depression, fine I’ll admit it. It started again a couple months ago. Umm yeah they told me I was bipolar a few years ago but I’ve been medication free for two years without a problem. MS can cause bipolar, and fix it, and cause it again and…I’m manic. You don’t give antidepressants alone to a person with bipolar disorder, must be accompanied by a mood stabilizer (and I knew that but I'm not bipolar so it shouldn't matter). Otherwise you get exactly what I am right now. In every other aspect the pills are working great. Not smoked today, maybe smoked four or 5 times over the weekend and it doesn't even bother me. Yay for me, I'm a quitter! Then I'll quit taking the pills and we shall return to our regularly scheduled programming... It's worth it to be crazy for a week or so.

Time Travel

K update on the A/C thing... it was a blown fuse. Bah, took the guy like 5 minutes to fix. My mother kept saying something about a capacitor (I knew what she meant, but I also know the difference between a capacitor and a fuse). Couldn't help myself. "It wasn't the flux capacitor was it?" I giggled and she looked confused. Nice. She mentions the same thing to my brother, who asks her the same question. We both look at each other and laugh "Great Scott! 1.21 gigawatts!" and walk away (yes I am a geek, i said it). At least 6 hours later she asks me "what's a flux capacitor and why were you two laughing about it?" Being me I can't just say what it is. Have to be a smart ass and make her guess (gee I wonder where the boy gets that from). Mentioned the flux capacitor again, DeLorean, good ol' 1955 (that really threw her), 1.21 gigawatts generated by the bolt of lightening and the flux capacitor that makes time travel possible. Bing, I swear I actually saw the light bulb flicker and come on over her head...hehe...

Why July?

Why can't the air conditioner ever fail in May? Early June? September? Why does it have to be July? During the monsoon season? It may dip down to 84 degrees tonight with 48% humidity (being a desert dweller, humidity...well it sucks). At least the rain earlier cooled things off for a few minutes. Now the air is still, balmy and hot. The box fan I put in my window doesn't help if it's not cooling off at night, also the air can't penetrate the solar screens which I noticed are screwed into the stucco next to my second floor window. My dogs are looking at me and panting, I feel bad for them but I know they'll be fine (have to remember ice cubes for the fish tank). It's 2am and I know sleep isn't coming. Maybe if I would have known I would have just stayed at my friend's house instead of coming home. On the bright side, according to the weather forecast it's supposed to rain off and on tomorrow and it's only going to get up to 95 degrees. Possible downside, I've never had an A/C unit just not turn on (yes I checked the breaker). Is that bad? Seen units blow hot air, freeze up and one even blew smoke. Curious to know what component died, and how hard and expensive it is to fix. Hmmm, I think I'll try sleeping pills and see if I can put an end to one of the worst days I've had in a long time. Everything from earlier was my own doing, the A/C unit was merely the grand finale...

The Scarlet Ibis

Such a fine line between love and hate. A strong emotion for one person in either direction, the true opposite is indifference. You can feel both for a person at the same time. Those we befriend and let into our weird little worlds and those we travel thru life with as family, are often the one's we can treat the worst. They drive us crazy and yet they are usually the ones that will stand by us when it matters and the ones we would lay down in traffic for. Usually but not always. We don't think they'll ever go, but they can. My intentions are not to treat anyone badly, but I do. I catch myself. What is it that makes us think we can treat the ones we care for the most like that? Maybe they'll come after us if we block them out, maybe if we push them they'll be more like what we want. We can tell them what we really think, and from that I think is what springs the love/hate. That well runs deep and depending on the day, is what content fills the bucket we draw.

The Earth, Plus Plastic

A week has passed and I didn't say anything on here. That first time I saw one of his routines when I was 13, actually saw the whole thing, I about died laughing and was hooked. One of our local radio stations used to play parts of his Airline Safety Lecture routine was what got me wanting to hear more (Fuck You I'm getting in the plane! Seems to be less wind in here!). What got me about him was how he could take life's little moments that we all have and make them hysterical. Not only in words (what a way with words) but in the funny faces and actions. He pointed things out long before some of our newer comedians (have you went to shake some one's hand and realized it's not a complete hand?). I didn't always agree with him but he made me want to listen. Always thinking, always putting interesting twists on things and humorous yet functional solutions to the world's problems. It's all in the exaggeration right? Fortunately I was able to see him this past February, the first and last time. It's going to be hard not getting to hear his take on the way the world is headed, thank you for sharing your ideas, comedy and language...

Hopeline

One of my favorite sites to visit is Post Secret. It's sort of like being able to read someone's innermost thoughts and secrets, I've both laughed and cried there. Stepped back and felt not quite so alone, not quite so weird to see that sometimes other people feel the same. Some of human nature is shocking, some of it really is very common but we are all too chicken to say anything. At the bottom of this weeks selected postcards was this video about Hopeline, a privately funded suicide prevention hotline. The founder of this hotline lost his wife to suicide. Right now he is fighting to keep it out of our government's hands and basically needs help paying the phone bill. I'm sure they are helping someone as you are reading this... someone can get that low, come that close and no one knows. Watch the video below and donate whatever you can.

Silence

At last for now there is silence. I wish my notebook still worked so I could hide in my room with it. So I cleaned my room instead. Funny thing was apparently my ferret was not very impressed that her things were trash, and that I removed them from my closet. She put them back. The silence is soothing. I don't want to be spoken too, leave me with my thoughts. As dark as they may be, they are mine. Don't break in with your television, music or questions. Don't talk to me today, I don't care. Probably won't care tomorrow either. Remembering this was like when they put me on Lithium and quickly took me off it. Bad drug for you, throw it away and try this instead. No more drugs for me. Not even the shot anymore (I can't afford it). Rebif only gives you maybe a 30% chance that it may or may not help. Well I know I have a 100% chance I'll need gas to go to work and I will probably get hungry and well it just doesn't fit in right now. I really don't even like taking Advil for a headache. So when my vision falters and my hands don't quite work right, or when the big muscle in my leg twitches or the little one in my lip I pretend it's not happening. That's not real. The silence is, for at least another 30 minutes the silence is real. Just the soothing sound of the air conditioner humming and the clicking of the ceiling fan. Alone is real, nobody to listen. Nobody to break or enjoy the silence with me.

"If they tell you that she died of sleeping pills you must know that she died of a wasting grief, of a slow bleeding at the soul."

Thank You

Sometimes I don't make the best choices. Some where inside, in the back of my mind, I was considering that maybe you were giving me an ultimatum, even though you didn't say anything. Why would you make me choose when you were the one with the problem? Bending over backwards is my specialty but I'm not bending for you anymore. Keeping my new friend out of it, not mentioning him (but all I needed to do was wait because you would eventually just to shoot him down), not asking him to come along if I knew you were there. None of that was enough. You are not the nucleus that holds my life together. No one wronged you, no rules were broken unless it was one of your imaginary fucked up ones you create to justify how you treat people. Thank you for making it look so easy to just walk away like you don't care. Thank you for teaching me another lesson and thank you for making my decision easy. Friends don't require friends to make choices like that. Not by my definition. Apparently we define "friends" differently and to you they are easily discarded. A side of you I didn't know was there. This was never a choice I would have considered. Losing one was not what I wanted but apparently the right one is gone.

Cleaning

There's a reason I think we keep stuff in storage. Sorting through that mess tonight I found things. Found memories. Crash landed in the middle of my past. Who would have thought 7 years later I would still be sorting through our stuff. Packed another box to take to him. Then there are things...what to do. Cards. Letters. Pictures. Yeah that box. A whole box of pictures. Some went back to when I was a kid. As I looked through some of them it dawned on me. I've hated myself since I was a kid. Well, hate may be a strong word. Three pictures of me opening my brand new roller skates when I was 8. Cute kid. I remember those pictures. Should say I remember I HATED those pictures. A handful of pictures of me when I was 15. Wow, I was actually pretty. Back then? I hated those pictures. Pictures my friends take now? Hate them all. Some of those pictures cracked me up though. The irony of me giving a piggy back ride to my 9 month old. In that one, I'm wearing the same Metallica shirt he wears now (not a reprint, but the SAME one). How young we all looked then. My puppy, he's really been gone 12 years now. Grandma and Grandpa and the peppermint pillow. Some of the first pictures of my ex husband. My 17th birthday when you were waiting outside for me, too nervous to ring the bell. In that picture I was positively glowing because I knew you were there. The boy hanging upside by his thighs because no baby gate could hold him back. Still won't forgive my mother for those pool pictures. Not enough time on that one. If we could learn to appreciate the present the same way we do the past...maybe that's when we can let happiness in.

Strong Enough To Bend

My volunteer maple tree that started growing in my yard about a year ago showed me something last night. During this time of year we have A LOT of wind. Blows damn near every day. Looking at the tree awhile back, after the leaves came in, I noticed the few forks of branches are always intertwined with each other. So I separated them. Mind you this is a lanky tree, easily 12-15 feet tall, no trunk to speak of just these spindly branches. Maybe, to protect from the wind, I need to tie it to something? A tall pole maybe? Watching it last night I saw how it bends, flowing with the wind. Not bending as much, not giving as much so it didn’t break. The branches were intertwined again and moved as one. With the support afforded from the group the tree could bend with the wind without breaking. Apart, I’m sure the branches wouldn’t have survived. Sometimes I get in a state of mind so bad that I want to withdraw and separate myself from everything and everyone. Nothing and no one holds my interest. In a way I’ve been drifting from some of my friends. One remains constant and I don’t think he’ll ever let me get very far away. Hell I doubt he even knows that he makes me feel better. Watching the tree last night I realized Mother Nature’s design is not for us to weather storms alone. Find something to wrap up with and bend…

"I come around all broken down and
Crowded out
And you're comfort
Sometimes the place I go
Is so deep and dark and desperate
I don't know, I don't know..."

-R.F.

Life Lessons

Been doing some thinking lately. This was partly written for the boy. What would I want to pass on to him? What lessons in life have I learned? Some of this stuff should be common sense and isn't. It's a little long, could have been longer but I stopped.

Don't tell a joke that's not that funny more than once. Help strangers and friends when you see they need it. When you help someone, whether they asked you for it or not, do it with a smile and don't complain. Sometimes it takes a lot to ask for help and even more to accept it. Don't expect anything in return. When someone helps you, goes out of there way for you, buys/gives you something don't complain and don't ask for more. Accept it with a smile even if it wasn't exactly what you wanted or needed. There heart was where it should be and so should yours. Choose your battles wisely when arguing, you don't always have to prove your right. Sometimes it means more to the other person to believe that they are right. When you're wrong admit it. When you apologize mean it. If you don't know, say so. You can tell the character of a person by how they treat people they don't need, someone who is not nice to the waitress is not a nice person. Just because she is serving you doesn't make her less of a person. Be nice, smile. You never know what other jerks she may have just been dealing with. When you're ordering food, the more complicated you make the order the more likely they are to screw it up. Remember that and don't get mad when they do. You're the one that made it difficult. Tip well, if it's someplace you go to a lot, tip even more. If you can't afford the tip you can't afford to go out. Let the past live where it should, in the past. Don't let the lessons go, just the pain. If you can't change it, don't worry about it. Don't expend energy worrying about something you can't change (like the past). There's enough that you can change. You won't appreciate something handed to you as much as if you had earned it yourself. Just because it's free doesn't mean you need it. Hehe, and a somewhat cruel thing don't want for something too much, once you get it you may realize the dream and the struggle was worth more than getting it. Don't lend money you can't afford to live without. Money is not worth losing a friend over, don't hound them about it, they know. If they don't pay you back you know what you can't trust them with. Don't make fun of someone else's dreams, that may be all they have. You may not be able to control the situation you were pushed into but you can control your attitude and how you deal with it. When you're that angry don't talk, you may regret what comes out. Sleep on it, sometimes when you put a little distance on it the truth is clearer. Don't close your mind. Keep learning every chance you get. From people, books, TV, wikipedia where ever. Try new things every chance you get. Try old things again. Never say you don't like something you haven't tried (unless it's drugs or skydiving). When someone you care about or are getting to know wants to show you something, book, movie, restaurant song etc. Do it, they are sharing a part of themselves with you. Declining that is declining them. The tough times will make you appreciate the easier ones. When there's too much rain on the path you've taken you may want re-evaluate your path. No need in reminding you about the truth and your word. You got that one down. Just to expand on that though, don't do things you may feel you have to lie about later. Live well, work hard and remember in the end you are the one that has to live with yourself.

Dead End

Oh my I've been to the end of the road before. When I thought it was the end I managed to climb over the rocks and debris. Kicked it into 4 wheel drive a few times and made it through. Hmm I'm not sure 4 low is going to get me across a large brick wall. So I sit here idling. Breathing in the carbon monoxide trying to figure out how to go over it. Maybe it's a prison because it's seems to go all the way around. Having an idea of paradise I can see it in my review mirror. Somewhere through my mistakes and transgressions I missed the turn off. So here I sit. Waiting. Do I die here breathing fumes or see if I can tunnel. Sometimes life isn't meant for everyone.

They're Just Boys...

Somethings needs to be said. It's 2am and I've been awake for over twenty-four hours, not even able to count right now because I know it's been longer than that. So, if I write this the tears will stop so I can sleep. Two weeks ago I found out my best friend's nephew, who I've known since he was two-ish, is going to Iraq June 2nd. My first thought? Kidnap him, hide him. Shoot him in the foot. He can't go. Not him. Am I proud of him? Of course. He's still the cute little boy with blond curls to me. Not a soldier. Fast forward to tonight... an email that my brother's only boy is leaving for basic training June 3rd. His unit has already been put on alert to be deployed in November. This boy was offered not only a full ride football scholarship (University of Nebraska had him listed on there website for awhile), but an academic one as well. He was supposed to be safe in college, not joining the Army. Both good kids. Rewind to last summer... The night before his two week leave was over. Sitting on the balcony telling us he missed his unit, he needed to be back there. Staring off in the darkness, half gone twelve pack in his lap, telling us, if they didn't extend his tour again, how long it would be until he was home. February. He's still there.

"Life is a series of dogs"

To quote George Carlin... A good friend of mine just had to put there dog down today. Not knowing the dog that well I don't feel the loss but I feel his pain. There aren't a lot of things in life that are worse than making that choice. When I was 19 I had to make the call to put my black lab to sleep, I had gotten him for Christmas when I was 7. I remember the vet telling me about the tumors and what they were doing and all these horrible sounding treatment options that may not even work. Might only give him 3 or 4 more months. Through a blur of tears, and a voice that I'm sure he could barely hear, I asked him "And if it was your dog?" He stopped. He'd put him to sleep. Don't prolong his suffering. What a good dog he had been and who was I to put him through all that. Because I loved him I could end his life. Love between dogs and humans is so totally different, there really isn't anything to compare it to. Looking at my two girls now I know that there may come a day when I have to make that call again. Looking at them I know that they trust me to make the right decision for them, that's my job and that's what I signed up for when they agreed to love me back. Dog's teach us something too, besides to love unconditionally, I think they teach us selflessness. No matter how much it hurts.

Castles

So a friend told me this story a few nights ago. We were talking, joking, and somewhere along the way the conversation turned serious. At that exact moment it fit my frame of mind and almost brought me to tears. No way can I capture that moment but I can tell the story...

A man gets up on the soapbox in the middle of the town square. He shouts to the passersby "Would you like to see the most beautiful heart in all the world?" After a crowd gathers to view what he was speaking of, he unbuttons his shirt. There on the man's chest was the most beautiful heart, bright red, luminous, perfect in every way, no scars or bruises. The crowd oohed and awwed over this vision in front of them. They approached him, wanting to touch his beautiful heart. The man quickly became guarded, closing his shirt and yelling at them to get back. 'No one can touch me there, you'll fade it, scar it. It's beautiful, but no one can touch it.' He runs away before anyone gets too close. A feeble old man walks to the front to take the young man's place. He says to the crowd "Would any of you like to see the beauty of my heart?" Everyone stares as the old man unbuttons his shirt to reveal his heart. They gasp, it's faded, covered with nicks and scars, a large piece is actually missing. He points to the scars "My heart was not guarded. Allowing people to touch it they left there marks, I've loved and lost and loved again. This piece that's missing? I gave it to my wife when she died." He invited the crowd to him and let them touch his scarred, battered, beautiful heart.

When he told me the story I knew which was better, which was right. At that moment I knew, and friends are funny to say the thing you didn't know you needed to hear. After careful examination of my own heart and over thinking it like I do everything, I know that I'm that latter of the two. You know us, the one's who wear our heart's on our sleeves and stupidly let go. Still I'm having a hard time anymore believing that the first guy isn't better off.

Bridges

Something has flip flopped. Watching it fall away and knowing I may have had a hand in pushing it doesn't help. Did I really? Did it fall on it's own and I happened to be standing there. Being me I want to take the blame. Even though I'm not 100% sure what exactly it is I'm blaming myself for. Some rules somewhere say I haven't done a damn thing wrong. My heart says otherwise. The little crevice between us that opened one night has turned into a canyon. The bridges you tried to erect, well I guess I ignored them, set fire to them. Walked away. Right now, what I'm thinking is I miss my friend. Where we were once before things took a sharp turn left, wandered back to the center and stalled. What's left? Taking shots at me, and running a friend down that you never took the time to understand. Maybe it would be better if I just walked away completely, maybe I should have along time ago. It's easier to walk when things are good, the person is perfect, then you don't have to get to see what imperfections they have and watch them fall from the imaginary pedestal you put them on. You must be this tall to ride this ride? Right? Sound at all familiar to you?

Just a quick one...

Anyone checking in here from time to time has probably seen me reference this song and this artist more than once. He's a favorite of mine that you will never hear on the radio, well at least not him singing but you will hear his songs. Anyway, the man wrote my theme song, since the embedding from you tube is disabled click here to hear it. Feeling this way a lot lately...

One more just because it's awesome and, damn who hasn't felt like this?